Originally published in the Nshei Chabad Newsletter. To read more articles of enduring value such as this one, subscribe now.
My Brother Was An Abuser
"We discussed molesters, or monsters as I called them, never realizing that I was talking about these monsters... to a monster." Full Story
"We discussed molesters, or monsters as I called them, never realizing that I was talking about these monsters... to a monster." Full Story
https://www.nytimes.com/2017/09/12/opinion/when-junk-science-about-sex-offenders-infects-the-supreme-court.html
I never understood why an entire family is besmirched for the terrible ‘sins’ or ineptitude of another family member. Virtually every family has at least one member who is ‘nicht normal’ in some way, they just don’t mention it for fear of the inevitable repercussions, blame, ostracism and false pity that follows.
I never understood why an entire family is besmirched for the terrible ‘sins’ or ineptitude of another family member. Virtually every family has at least one member who is ‘nicht normal’ in some way, they just don’t mention it for fear of the inevitable repercussions, blame, ostracism and false pity that follows.
reading all these comments is heartbreaking
my heart breaks first and foremost for victims of abuse who haven’t been able to heal
and second of all for the innocent wives, children, siblings, of abusers, whose humiliation and pain is so great
So you can let’s say publish my fathers/ brothers name but don’t be rude to the kids because we are also having a tough time
Rather to be hurt from your father or brother publicly exposed than for more innocent victims to be hurt far worse.
But do you know how much it pains his kids???? Why should I be hurt and walk around with a broken heart because you spread my fathers name all around town??????
Don’t spread his name to punish him. Spread his name to help him.
He doesn’t and won’t have enough control over himself not to fulfill his desires.
However, if everyone knows who he is, they will be able to stop him, when he can’t stop himself. Meaning, when people and kids know he has an issue, they will not let him do anything, and they will stop him when he can’t stop himself
In short, when he is open that he has an issue, and makes sure that people know, then he can live in society.
Never judge anyone until you know and llived every second of their life, even one minor detail in their life that is different than yours or someone you know in an almost identical situation can make their struggle different. No one is in a position to judge another person ever so especially all of you out there because there are many of you ,that have not experienced verbal abuse, rape , be grateful you didn’t learn…. maybe try not to tell victims they’re using abusive terms out of context if they lack evidence or tell them their exaggerating or fabricating… Read more »
This is a really important piece you shared. Helping people going through something similar express vulnerability and also helping people on the outside understand what your experience is like.
Also pretty sure, 47,48,49 are the same poster who seems to be personally perturbed…
you’re right that yichud wouldn’t prevent abuse between family members for whom yichud doesn’t apply
but it would prevent SOME cases of molestation.
Child abuse and same gender abuse can’t be protected by yichud either.
No they don’t can’t just “go back to normal”. They can “survive” it with painful, hard effort.
I know.
Maybe some education on how the brain processes trauma would do you some good.
Maybe stop belittling it because that hurts so badly.
To #3
Please don’t call it a taiva.
To everyone posting about yichud:
How is yichud supposed to help anything if it doesn’t apply to close family who are usually the victims? If an abuser could just lock the door etc.? If someone who would abuse wouldn’t be stopped by yichud? Yichud is for taavos. This is not a taava.
may gd bless you!
To everyone on here saying second chances etc. etc. Please understand that B”H we nowadays understand this sickness. A telling off, a slap on the wrist, being shipped out to another country or neighbourhood with a warning… (or even a severe beating for that matter) DOES NOT CURE THIS SICKNESS. A person who molests is sick and needs to be kept away from children. They may well have pastoral and spiritual needs – so let them be serviced either in prison or even out by a rabbi etc. yes have rachmanos but DO NOT let them NEAR or ALONE WITH… Read more »
i am # 48
i did not mean unconsenting
i saw a story of a 17 years old girl claming that she was “abused” becuase she was under 18 ( although she kepd these encounters for many years)
I never comment in a public forum like this but in this instance I’ll make an exception. My brother was also an abuser but unfortunately the survivor was myself. After 10 years of silence I managed to extricate myself and prosecuted him in court. No one has ever stated it better than you did. People like to paint someone as a monster but the reality is that people are just that-people. Yes, he is my abuser but he is also my brother. No I don’t talk to him and he went to jail.
To #54 you took a lot of words out of my mouth! Thanks 😉 To #53: his children….are a pandora’s Box. Some chose to fully back and support their father and want nothing to do with anyone within the family who has “abandoned” him or “spread lies”. There are 2-3 children who we are very close with and who sufferedfrom his manipulation and are BH doing well post therapy. They are stronger because of the boundaries set. His wife does not believe a word and has cut off all contact with us for being unsupportive . We have kept our… Read more »
It’s really sick to be a pedophile and desire children of any gender and it’s not sick to desire an adult but what is sick and abusive is if it’s with an unconsenting adult. Definitely worse for a child but it doesn’t mean an adult can’t be abused. I’m not a man so maybe they have stronger urges but men who aren’t abusive will not force an unconsenting adult into doing anything.
Two problems from the side of punishing at any cost: A. You wish to say that the guy is an evil monster at the same time as saying that the chance of rehabilitating him is near zero. If near zero it’s obviously a psychological problem as evil people only strike when they feel they can get away with the crime. If someone knows he’s exposed but can’t help himself, it’s not evil, it’s a mental disorder (criminally insane as opposed to criminally evil). That doesn’t mean he shouldn’t be incarcerated, he should, but out of protecting the public, not out… Read more »
A friend who recognized this article as mine, emailed me saying “Maybe you should take it down…people can be so judgmental. Doesn’t that hurt?” BH I’ve got pretty thick skin and am in a leadership position for enough years that this doesn’t get to me but I’ve chosen not to tell some of our family about this article because the comments may trigger them. I also feel that this is a sensitive and explosive topic where each one of us is coming with very strong emotions and projections. Naturally, things will get heated and I appreciate the many different views.… Read more »
Graphology will alert the community asap. Please all schools must employ this technique. It shows everything about a person. Please please don’t laugh at me. All teachers should have graphologist to sift through the writing. Please believe me
I use this all the time. Save lived.
I would like to attempt an explanation as to why the author chose to post her article now. To the author- if I am wrong I apologize. The author was not trying to explain how she perceives her brother, that wasn’t the point of the article. It wasn’t to either defend or accuse him, though accuse him she most certainly did. This article is not about the abuser. It was about the pain she and her family experienced. Yes, she could have written something different to clarify how she feels about her brother, but that’s not her goal. Her goal… Read more »
YOU GET A LOT OF CREDIT IN MY BOOK
and to collive too for publishing
and to the N’shei Chabad Newsletter too.
these are realities. people do these things. and the people who do these things have innocent relatives.
my question to the author is, you let go of your brother. you have no contact and you are not paying his legal fees. but what about that man’s wife and children? i hope you are not rejecting of them…? they are as innocent as you are
it’s not that way at all.
it’s not that “the acts were already done” at all
the acts CONTINUE to be done unless the perp is stopped in a permanent and forced (no trust!) manner.
Your deeply painful and personal experience giving all of us a perspective that we (Bh) don’t have. This allows us to be more compassionate in a situation that can be shocking and confusing. It’s important to know how to relate to the ppl closest and involved. May you find healing in this difficult time. You have our support as a brothers and sisters of am yisroel always do, no matter what the circumstance.
What an amazing individual you are.
So very proud of your attitude!
First of all the three of the commentators should learn to look up the research. These crimes have a low rate of committing another crime again. The rates for the same rate offense is one of the lowest in the criminal justice system. There has been many studies of this, and everyone points to that same fact.
In my understanding a sick abuser is someone who go to people from his own sex. Or little children I won’t call abuser to a man who had an intimate relationship with young lady ( a man is a man and because he transgressed Ichud , he could not resist his lust ) this is the way men are created in this why the Torah doesn’t allow men to be alone with women , To call “sick” to someone who is a man and can’t control his desires ? The Talmud says that a man is not allowed to look… Read more »
Who did you want them to tell? His family? If they were told, what would you have done ?The acts were already done. Maybe you should write advice about what the think could be done by family members who are informed of such a situation.
If this was written “early on in your recovery”, why post it now? Why didn’t you read through it & re-write 3 years later, when a lot of things have changed; namely, your own perception of your brother. In the Op-ed you were saying what a great person he was. Today, you see him as a narcissistic predator who believes he has been wronged. COL, perhaps you can take this whiny piece down & maybe the author can write her feelings today, based on her brother’s lack of remorse & probability of re-offending. Posting this piece of pathos is scamming… Read more »
Obviously there’s a possibility of him changing his behaviors, regretting his past, and attempting to move forward on a clean page, you need to understand something. Sexual abusers can’t be trusted every again, no matter how long they’ve been locked up. Regardless of what he says, feels, changes, he’s always at risk of committing another crime. It’s the way these people are wired. And believe me, if he was only exposed in his 30’s-40’s, chances are he was screwing around since he was much younger but it only caught up with him now. I understand that when it’s of this… Read more »
Agree with 23 and 27, Not empathy for the abuser!! but the family.
Also 27; very important to learn halacha of YICHUD ,this will protect our holy nation, to keep yichud and the Torah will protect us ;Ki Heym Chayainu! Wishing your family a good sweet year, and Moshiach Now!
Years ago, a frum pediatrician told me that those who molest children are usually molesting THEIR OWN children at home. To pity the molester because “nebach,he has a family that needs him” is misguided. It’s likely they are victims as well. My heart goes out to the sister who wrote this article. What a betrayal! How much you must suffer! May Hashem comfort you, and thank you for sharing your experience. To all those “Pesach Sheini, give a second chance folks out there, beware! Unfortunately, there is no therapy proven effective in reforming child molesters. Awareness and prevention are the… Read more »
Some that have it the hardest to forgive and move on are those who have forgiven and forgotten in a never ending cycle of abuse. Because they have come to realize after a lot of times that their abuser will keep on repeating why they scan get away with and was never really sorry bec they lack empathy. Probably the most hardest to change of the mentally ill are psychopaths because they lack true empathy .they can onlyact like they care or convince themselves they do through learned behaviour and speech. Usually they’re scarred from being brought up without love… Read more »
Every year since I was raped I have one or two yearly breakdown and I do not see it coming , it’s justwhen I think I have it all together. Everyone posting about giving a second chance, most abusers are free in the most surprising ways living like normal people, can be your unassuming neighbors with kids of their own because do you really think that while someone is being raped they’re collecting evidence? How about after? Are they gathering evidence after? No! They’re trembling I fear and traumatized and barely surviving and aren’t making rational decisions or speaking to… Read more »
While mentally ill people suffer and are harmless and empathetic to others even though they can be very self absorbed because of their struggles, psychopaths and sociopaths are on the extreme spectrum of narcissism and suffer only when harm is done to them. They have the same desires in regards to unconsenting young woman as most men on this planet or deranged desires if they’re a pedophile ,they just will act on it without caring about the harm they’re inflicting. In fact if someone is a real hardcore psychopath like someone in my own life I deal with that’s what… Read more »
Of course they’re mentally ill! It’s called being a psychopath and sociopath which is a mental illness. But it’s not like cancer or other mental illnesses where the mentally ill sufferbexause sociopaths don’t suffer unless something is done to them. A lot of ppl have desires for ppl they can’t be with , they don’t just go around molesting whoever they desire and can control.
Yes, the victim, wife, children and family are all suffering but before you attack the abuser, read up on it; educate yourself, speak to professionals and you’ll see that he needs to be viewed as a sick person like someone who is diabetic and the only way he can recover is by going for help. while he is recovering he needs all the support he can get. Remember, he is in tremendous pain – there have been suicides connected to this – so help him get the help he needs and he can come out of it an even greater… Read more »
A molsester does have an illness. I believe it is the worst possible illness to have because it affects not just themselves. Family members become victims as well. That’s just the horrendous situation.
Suffers forever! But with help
And time can heal. There will be times a victim
Is perfectly fine funtioning well etc and times of sadness when it resurfAces. However, when it resurfAces with the right type of support the victim will be able to address it more healthily
And less painfully and move right on. Hashem yerachem!
Wall of shame is shameful. Not fair to innocent victims intact cruel. Abuser needs punishment and life long help. They are very sick. Poor families poor children!!!
Wow! It’s been a ride to read the feedback to my article. No, I don’t support any program that protects abusers. Yes, I contributed to his defense fund out of total confusion and as soon as some more details came to light, we quietly pulled out and didn’t give any more. No, I don’t believe prison heals. In fact, he has turned down every effort at therapy both individual and group therapy in prison and is not penalized for it at all. He will come out in a couple of years believing he has been wronged and possibly giving in… Read more »
This person is sick. He will do it again and again because his brain us sick…and to all the victims including his wife and children they will not fully be able to recover bc this is a terrible terrible trauma. I am SO SICK of Rabbis not doing the right thing….expecting victims to simply MOVE ON when no one stops to help the innocent victim. Do you have gags in your mouths..or are donations and a following so important to you. That you turn a deaf ear and blind eye. Do you not see when a child is bullied. Abused..tormented…so… Read more »
JUST BECAUSE HE RUINED THE LIVES OF THOSE KIDS (WHOSE LIFE CAN GO BACK TO NORMAL) DOESNT MEAN YOU GOTTA RUIN THE LIVES OF HIS FAMILy
update for you. not all children’s lives go back to normal. some are permanently scarred and damaged. yes this is the truth. and no amount of “just get over it” will change that. i work with these people. something snapped inside them when they were abused. you can’t easily put it back together. sometimes you never can.
Thank you!!! You explained everything I wanted to say
My friends husband is very sick in the hospital. his wife, children, parents, siblings are all suffering. (victims). Why did G-D do this to them as well as to him? Don’t know the ways of Hashem. A molester chose to make his wife and family suffer. Hashem made them the family of the molester. We all need to know his name to stay away from him as when he gets out of prison will just do it again. Hashem yirachem on his victims
As the details in this story have been changed, I don’t know whether this aspect of the story is true or not. But assuming it is: Torah gives us the laws of tznius. Included in these laws are the general separation of the sexes, especially in private. In this case, he doesn’t necessarily sound like a horrible abuser to me. He is a man who was not keeping the laws of tznius who was overcome with lust of a young woman who, in Torah’s perspective, is of marriageable age. This story should be a wake-up call to all that men… Read more »
Sad read, unlike #3 who mentions close wall of shame, rather had you been anyone with a brain you would realize wall of shame actually has helped put major dent in this despicable saga that has gone on for so so many decades.
How pathetic a comment, and it says mountains on which side you are.
This was a great eye opener and COL gets credit for posting this as many a family is suffering indeed for the deeds of there family members.
Yes his wife is innocent but she is a victim. Just like a wife is a victim and suffers if her husband gets very sick and needs a lot of help and care. She suffers. There are sicknesses in the world but it id an act of g-d. Here the monster set out and planned it and killed an innocent child and made an entire family and extended family suffer. Yes his name should be told to all to be careful as he will plan and fo it again. The wife and family of a sick man who passes away… Read more »
It’s time to be a little more strict on the halochos of yichud. That way it won’t be possible for such things to occur. There is a reason why the Torah forbids yichud and there are pages in the shulchan oruch discussing what is allowed and what is not…
You are making this nightmare into a pity-party where YOU are the victim. Where is your compassion for his wife and children? You go through the PC motions of caring about the victim (s) but sorry, I don’t see any real depth of feeling, only when you talk about yourself. It isn’t about you. It is about a man who abused children for self-gratification. Instead of weeping for YOUR lost innocence of believing your brother was a good person, try getting involved with JCW to help the siblings of other abusers. Channel your self-pity into something positive, never let your… Read more »
THANK G-D FOR THE WALL OF SHAME
PURGE THE MOLESTORS AMONGST US AND IT WILL BE A DETERRENT AND SAVE KIDS LIVES
It’s people like you that talk about “pesach sheni” “second chance” and “don’t post his name on the web” that are enablers that basically want to allow and assist them in continuing the crime. Why you would want to protect someone that commited those crimes and has a mental illness that will urge him to do it over and over again is mind boggling!
I don’t think her point was against spreading his name for what he did or lighten the response in any way. Her point was about herself and the family, to understand that contrary to how people perceive the family of an abuser, in truth the family is often unaware and the family- NOT the abuser- needs a lot of support and not made to feel like freaks in the community. Her point is not to change any systems, but rather the mindsets of all of us to be more compassionate to the family and understand that the family is not… Read more »
Once you do that you have forfeited any rights you might have had to privacy and forgiveness
There is only one individual of importance and that is the abused
No Mashpia no Rov can say otherwise
Look at the mess that one of the known victims exposed
She is one of us and despite that got horribly abused first by the abuser then by the system
you all seem to be professionals wow!! I find this very very hard to know how to handle this and what to expect in the future. es is nisht gut not for abuser not for victims. i feel bad for abuser, i feel bad for his family i fell horrible for victims but they are all victims. i truly think the abuser is a victim of some sort. i admit i would not know how to handle this. i dont want his name plastered everytwhere but maybe it is a deterrent for others?
We just read in the previous Torah portion how rape is considered like murder in the eyes of H-Shem. Before you run to tear down the wall of shame – would you do the same if they were serial killers? On the other hand – we beieve in innocent until being proven guilty. The family did nothing wrong trying to prove his innocence. Unfortunately he was guilty so they couldn’t do that. If c”vs someone was accused of murder his family should try to prove his innocence too. However that person is the rapist/murderer not his whole family. They aren’t… Read more »
Let’s stop posting stories about him, I’m sure he feels terrible about himself!!
And about doing it again, I’m sure he’d like NOT TO, and iyh he will get the therapy he needs because yes it’s a real taavah,
The abuser will not stop due to prison. He will just feel as if HE is a victim! Words of forgiveness are to say, while ingrained behavior is a nightmare to change. Just as he didn’t think about his wife and children WHILE he was committing abuse, he won’t care after.
I’m sorry, the truth hurts. But it hurts his victims and family more than him.
He is not bad or selfish. If you’ll do some research you will learn that it is a sickness over which he has no control and it’s not his fault. The only way he can control it is thru proper therapy, he cannot do it himself. That’s with every addiction. These people are suffering and in a lot of pain. They need our support while they go thru therapy and follow the program. His family and friends should be there for him and help him heal. He needs their warmth and friendship. The more support he gets, the quicker and… Read more »
Maybe this abuser in your life is “extra special” and won’t do it again like the 99 percent of other abusers who abuse again if he’s given a second chance
Molesters need to get the death penalty. And I hate when people say it’s a sickness like cancer. No! A molester ruins other people’s lives
That’s not true I really see it that he will stop and he won’t continue and it doesn’t make sense what your saying, that we should put him all over as the bad guy does that help????????????? NO IT DOESNT HELP
SO GIVE HIM A SECOND CHANGE LIKE PESACH SHENI SND DONT POST HIS NAME ALL OVER THE WEB!!!!!
TJANK YOU!!!!
Moshiach now
And only good new s
To fix the damage done by an abuser is an uphill battle. Better that we teach all young ones before anything happens, that life includes abuse and trauma for some, and in case you experience abuse and trauma, here’s how to handle the resulting feelings. This way they are not completely blown away by the shattered innocence, and are equipped with some type of informational tools with which to deal with the experience. In other words, instead of sheltering people from the inevitably of life’s cruelty, inoculate them with knowledge and information. It won’t necessarily prevent bad things from happening,… Read more »
He’s selfish enough to abuse and to continue he won’t stop because of his suffering wife, statisticwise. Unfortunately she’s among many suffering wives who are in denial of their predator husbands and the lenient sentences they get is a danger to society.
I disagree…..
It’s hard to see your wife suffer for so long
HE WILL NOT DO IT AGAIN……
JUST LEAVE THEM KIDS ALONE AND LET THEM LIVE BEFORE THE WHOLE STORY BLEW UP, JUST BECAUSE HE RUINED THE LIVES OF THOSE KIDS (WHOSE LIFE CAN GO BACK TO NORMAL) DOESNT MEAN YOU GOTTA RUIN THE LIVES OF HIS FAMILy…..
IF YOU DONT WANNA MARRY ME BECAUSE OF WHAT MY FATHER DID THEN GET OUT OF HERE I DONT NEED TOU
After sitting in prison and not seeing his family trust me he will do it again. The legal system is too lenient towards s offenders and once they’re free again they’ll be more careful to not get caught.
I doubt he will do it again after all this suffering like literally
So you have to ruin the lives of his children too!?????????? Just because he ruined other lives????
Nekama is that good????
For his children to cry and not have any more tears is that good???
I know all about how this could “ruin sheduchim” and shmutz the family etc. but that is total baloney. protecting the perpetrator boggles my mind. the only focus the only thing that counts is protecting the victim and stopping the abuse. people have to focus on that and only that. everything else has to be put on the side no matter what. with that said the only thing i don’t understand in this article is why they contributed money to this guys defense. that part is beyond me.
This article is heartbreaking. Not only because of the story itself, but because it shows the harmful consequences of dealing with these issues in the way the goyim around us instead of Torah.
Every person in our community who wants to react properly to this terrible stuff should find a Mashpia who has clarity on it and follow his/her advice closely.
as soon as he is out he will do it again. it is an obsession like gambling or drinking.It is a sick taayveh. but he can help it. Hashem does not forbid something that is beyond a persons ability to withstand. the lives he ruined of children! just like saving one person you save an entire world so he killed future generations!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
All the research suggests that he will do it again, unfortunately.
So stop with the wall of shame and all that because it doesn’t help anyone it just makes the family more humiliated and hurts everyone who is part of that family, and then people cry Add Matti, it doesn’t help if your blaming people
It’s so sad….. just people stop blaming the kids and family of the person who was arrested….it’s not there fault… it’s the test hashem gave them and with your help they will pass the test so please….
Thanks
P.S. I know you might be worried he will do it again and that’s why you will tell everyone to watch out, but trust me after sitting in prison for 5 years and not seeing his family daily he won’t do it again
Please G-d End the golus allready