By a parent and member of a school administration
There is one thing that is infuriating to those of us who work in Jewish education: parents who do not respect the school they send their children to for hours every day.
When a child sees that his parents have no respect for the school which teaches Torah, no matter how aidel or smart or dedicated s/he is to learning, the child reads the clear message from his parents between the lines: his beloved teachers and their subjects are somehow deficient. This message of disrespect is conveyed both by the parents’ financial priorities and their verbal cues.
Using money which belongs to the school in tuition payments to instead give a child extra luxuries or a nice family vacation is stealing. Speaking disrespectfully about the moisad, about the staff, about a particular teacher, about the policies and rules – is stealing. The school is robbed of funding and a good reputation. However, it is stealing not just from the school and payment of its staff, but also from your own child. The child is being robbed of a proper and appropriate respect for honest payment of dues and of respect for Torah role models and authority.
Are you a parent who demands discounts, who complains non-stop to administration about every aspect of the school, who publicly and privately disparages certain teachers, who campaigns to undermine school decisions, who criticizes the school to their friends (even in earshot of their children, chas v’shalom), who buys luxuries beyond their means, who goes on vacations with the family that would suit a gvir?
Your children are watching this show. What are they to think? What are they to conclude about their parents’ real priorities?
Maybe your own parents spoke badly about the school you went to, or didn’t pay tuition, and as a result you think this is appropriate? All the more crucial that you break the pattern.
Many people bemoan the deficiency of yiras shomayim in their children. Maybe it is because your child watched as his Jewish education was stolen. Maybe his tuition was not paid honestly. Or maybe the dignity he should have seen towards Yiddishkeit was embezzled. Without respect for education and educators, the parents have stripped away a main ingredient of education: yiras shomayim. They have stolen their own child’s Jewish education.
It is Elul. Time for a true cheshbon and rectification. This year, make a hachlata to show your children where your deepest priorities are. Champion the authority of your school, the school staff and all the teachers. Resolve to work out issues with the faculty in a respectful, gentle and kind way. Work hard to be partners with the school to the betterment of your child’s chinuch. Plan to properly pay the moisad their well-deserved tuition to the best of your financial ability, and show your children that you sacrifice for their education. Be grateful, and express your gratitude to your children’s teachers. Hold yourself to high standards in giving the benefit of the doubt to the school about their decisions.
There may be a teacher who errs in knowledge, midos or behavior. We are all human. However, more important than setting the teacher straight is doing so like a mentch. If you do have complaints, find a way to work them out in a peaceful and respectful way.
Show your children by example where your priorities are – that at all costs, you want them to revere Yiddishkeit and honesty and their education.
For those who have children who have finished school, you can still make a donation to the school they attended. Donate to rectify anything ‘stolen’ by your previous non-payment or by your previous attitude about the moisad, which may have impacted negatively on your child’s chinuch or yiras shomayim.
Chinuch is a huge job. We all want our children to get the best, all-round Jewish education possible – which should manifest in real mentchlichkeit and yiras shomayim. To do so, we need to work supportively with the schools we have. And we have to avoid these thefts at all costs.
Wishing Jewish schools and their parent and student bodies a kesiva v’chasima tovah,
A Parent and School Administrator outside of Crown Heights
that this article is not about what the schools deserve. It’s about appropriate parental attitudes towards educators and education. And it for sure has a negative impact on the children when their parents kvetch and don’t pay the tuition.
If there are problems, which there are likely to be, the parents must deal with them.. but in a mentchlich way.
#19 says the author should sign their name. But how can the author write a name without casting blame on the members of the school parent body where he or she works??
I’ve been there too. Now, that is called robbery. Skip the
tuition. May Hashem give understanding to those who err
and save those who pay the price…..
Ksivah Vachasimah Tova
BS”D Wow, you’re right. I should be better. Iy”H I will be better. HaShem will iy”H bentch all of us to be able to pay full tuition and additional and have all we need, and that there should be peace between administrative bodies and talmidim and parents. Ksiva vchasima tova and blessing!
Depicting an extreme to make a point, maybe makes a point, but it’s noteworthy to clarify it’s an extreme. I’m guessing the author doesn’t think all parents are as depicted, and the point is that parents should acknowledge and respect well-meaning and hard-working teachers. And many parents do. And most teachers respect and acknowledge parents for their love and worry for their children, and the financial sacrifices made for their education. A problem I see in this conversation, and focusing on the teachers and school admin since that’s the author’s position: Regardless of good intention and hard work, the majority… Read more »
does it say you should never address your child’s valid concerns. The question is how you are doing it. Your child suffers from your outward disrespect of school and teachers.
B”H, never heard a negative word about the teachers or schools we went to, from our parents!
Be very careful where you go. We live “out of town” in a place where the school has a great reputation from the outside. Not so much from the inside. It usually takes families a few years of living in a place to realize the real story. The sorry truth is that the entire Lubavitch educational system is very mediocre, to be generous.
goes in all directions, any number of reasons can bring default to smooth function of the schools,once mrs. gorowitz said you really have to look at the situation, sometimes it can be the teacher, some times the child all situations are different personally our in laws helped us with tution-but you should know that it was a very hard thing for them, there home was very run down-so we always paid tution, even if we didn’t have a extra penny in our pockets,100k for all our children isn’t nothing to sneeze about, l must say k’ah my mother in law… Read more »
While the child does need to see parents display civility and respect, the school is working for the parents and not the other way around.
Also, it is unhealthy for a child to see parents give absloyte authority to a school. Then, if and when the school makes mistakes towarss the child, the parent is not there to support their child, let alone the lines that have been blurred in allowing school personell free reign for physical, verbal or sexual abuse if tempted.
They need more teachers like you.
thank you for writing!
If it was a private citizen who had authored this piece it wouldn’t be half as bad. But as a school administrator he has only verified all our fears: an arrogant and judgemental individual who wallows in his own sanctimony, and shows zero signs of possessing even the basic humility. If he is the face of our schools, no wonder there is such little respect!
I know tons of families that still did not pay for tuition last year and they still go around Europe and Israel during the summer and when it comes to registration the school does not let them get registrated when they still owe for 3 years 40,000
Most parents started off on the right track but lost hope along the way. Corruption in the schools. On top of that, very few families pay full tuition and many of these are not wealthy families. The burden is unfair and overwhelming. I only wish it were as simple as the article describes.
What about administration not respecting teachers…..
The students figure that out very quickly
respect is earned not forced
Have Lubavitch boys had enough secular education to enable them to have good careers and be able to earn enough to keep their future famlies. From what I have witnessed, I think not
So sad but today’s parents priorities are so messed up. It is a “ME”, generation, they feel they have an entitlement to everything. They have to have the best clothes , jewelry, car, vacations , newest shatels most expensive and homes in the country , and mid winter vacations in warm places or Europe or Israel, mind you some of these moms don’t work. And those parents who do not qualify for Head Start, because they are on the books or legitimately married,yes they want to pay the tuition, but when they their friends lie and cheat, they are off… Read more »
Why do we have to keep pestering people who do things differently than the authors? Personally we have only had to deal with the struggle of tuition this year, but no I didn’t steal my kids education. Why not write something more uplifting and less admonishing, such as lets get school vouchers passed? Do you know how much money Jewish schools could benefit from if we could get public funding? And lets talk about something else. Parents trash-talk schools when they feel like they have no other choice, but when they choose something different like homeschooling or sending their kids… Read more »
When my children were younger, my parents gave us money a few years to go on a short vacation (max a week) to Florida. Their logic was, you will always find money for tuition but not for a much-needed break. We didn’t pay full tuition but we paid a lot. Don’t assume that every “luxury” is paid for by parents; B”H many of us are blessed with generous and understanding families. As for talking against the school: I think everyone is guilty of that at one time or another, especially if there is a particular staff member who displays wrongful… Read more »
Until there is transparency with the school budgets, how the tuitions are set and where the tuitions go parents should negotiate the best possible rates. Schools are often run as private family businesses and there is room to say the parents prefer to spend their money on family needs and not subsidize the extravagencies of the administrator’s family.
this means nothing unless you put your name to it. sorry buddy, believe in what you say and sign your name.
HELLO? LET THE SCHOOLS YESHIVAHS SEMINARIES STOP CHARGING ABSURD CRAZY FEES,WHICH ARE ONLY AFFORDABLE BY GEVIRIM AND WHICH ARE TOTALLY DISPROPORTIONATE TO MOST PARENTS INCOMES. ADMINISTRATORS INSTEAD OF BEING JUDGE ABD JURY AS TO WHAT PARENTS CAN AFFORD AND HOW THEY CHOOSE TO SPEND THEIR HARD EARNED INCOMES IS FRANKLY NOBODYS BUSINESS. IF ADMINSTRATORS CARE SO MUCH LET THEM SET UP COMMITEES TO FUND RAISE OR FIGHT FOR STATE FUNDING LIKE OTHER JEWISH SCHOOLS AND FIND A BALANCE BETWEEN A KODESH CURRICULUM AND A CHOL CURRICULUM SO AS TO CATER FOR ALL AND KEEP FEES AT A SENSIBLE AFFORDABLE LEVEL.… Read more »
i work in a school and i agree with this 100%
well said
הגונב מן הגנב פטור
I find this article to be judgmental and a bit unfair. Who are you that you have the right to judge the way others handle their children’s chinuch / money / vacations, etc.? Calling this genaiva is an extremely strong term. For you to pass judgment on the community is promoting the very behavior you are trying to condemn. Parents are doing the best they can in a tough world. They are trying to support their students in school, make ends meet, keep their children happy and fulfilled in their Yiddishe lives, and in general be everywhere at once. Be… Read more »
I was married to a borderline personality disorderd wife whose main focus is putting everything around her down. Our kids go to a Lubavitch school where we live which is growing steadily, and all she does is bash the school bash the teachers bash the administrators always looking for something wrong to agitate about. Is everything perfect in the school? No. Does it have the same challenges like most other places? Yes. There is no profession in the world. It’s just how these types of destructive creatures operate — they thrive on tearing down rather than supporting and building up,… Read more »
the problem is that most of the parents in Beis Rivkah don’t have a choice. BR is basically like a frum public school. The education is hit or miss at best, generally sub-par, and for the most part there is no accountability. Honestly, I think it’s important for the kids to know that this is not ideal, and often not ok. Do you really want me to sing the praises of the teacher who didn’t smile once the entire year? Best case scenario our kids waste half the day every year (that policy of teaming up one good teacher with… Read more »
and the damage could extend well beyond the immediate children R”L, but Teshuvah is always possible!.
Do not ask your child if they like their teachers- this is a non educational question.
If they express displeasure you can ask them what is bothering them and help them see through the issue.
Just as we do not encourage labeling …asking your child if they like their teachers encourages them to label their teacher and not the behavior.
Respect starts at home ! Parents keep this in mind as the beginning of school and through out the year.
I can’t tell you how much it irks me when I hear parents complaining about the school that they CHOOSE to send their kids. Especially when they post about it or mock teachers on social media. It’s the worse lesson you can impart on your children to lack respect. If you don’t like the school , then choose one better suited to your needs. If you think the school can make improvements, like most schools can benefit from growth than volunteer and see how you can make the school grow to the better. Complaining is beyond detrimental. I worked in… Read more »
There is one thing that is infuriating to those of us who work nonstop and are pressured into paying huge sums of money we don’t have in order for our children to have a Jewish education: board members, administrators and teachers who do not respect the stressed out and overburdened parents upon who’s backs (at least quantitatively speaking) the success of these schools are able to function.
when the schools respect the hard earned money that parents are spending by ensuring that the principals, teachers and education are respectable, I have no doubt that parents will feel the responsibility to keep the schools well funded
Point taken
What I call stealing one’s child education are those parents who use up federal grants to pay tuition thereby limiting the child’s means of getting proper college education later in life.
Agree!
The reverse has also proven to be very true.
Parents entrust their most precious treasures to
teachers and administrators for hours every day .
Hashem granted them a good child who is deprived
of being themselves and developing their potential when
the environment is not right and teachers are clueless and
use snap judgement to form opinions.
I hope this line serves as an eye opener for those who
need to realize the above.
The most honest and true thing that collive ever posted.
I’m not even sure the point.
A reputation is earned- it’s just the way life is.
If a school has a bad reputation they should do an honest cheshbon hanefesh to see why, and change their ways.
It fits perfectly with this “Elul theme”
Leave the parents alone.
Same parent body…different schools… different attitudes.
Explain that!
This is SO important!!!! While no school is flawless, do your kids a favor and only send them to a school you respect 100%, even if it is not in Crown Heights, if you feel nothing here is good enough. There is a four-part equation: Hashem, the student, the school (including its teachers), and the parents. While Hashem is there to support all three of the other parts of this equation, If those three can’t all work together AND SUPPORT EACH OTHER, the student is the one who suffers the most. And ultimately, the student won’t look up to his/her… Read more »