More Kindness in Shidduchim Reference Calls, Please

By anonymous

Our community relies on the holy work of many hands to unite two halves of a soul in a shidduch. Shadchanim and references, friends, relatives, mentors, and parents are essential partners in this sacred process. Much of this work is done quietly, voluntarily, and from a place of deep love and chesed for singles and for Klal Yisrael.

Because of this, a reminder is necessary:

Please be kind when calling references or speaking with shadchanim.

What does kind mean? Sadly, it needs to be spelled out.

Kind means asking respectful, thoughtful questions that help you understand whether a single may be shayich for your child, friend, or relative. Kind does not mean interrogating, aggressive questioning, or excessive probing into extended family histories. That approach does not serve the purpose of getting to know the individual, nor does it honor the system or the people who give of themselves to support it.

Please also be mindful of when and how you call. Ask if it is a good time or when it would be convenient to speak. Remember that references and shadchanim have families, responsibilities, and lives of their own. Be considerate of the length of the call and the emotional energy you are asking of them.

It is important to remember that references are often people who genuinely care about the single you are inquiring about. Aggressive or rude questioning can raise red flags, not about the single, but about the family making the call. No one wants to see a friend or loved one enter a family that appears harsh or unkind.

And while we are on this topic, we must speak honestly about lashon hara. Lashon hara is always harmful, and in shidduchim it can be devastating, destroying opportunities and causing lasting damage. Yes, honesty matters, but so does responsibility. There is a critical difference between necessary, constructive information and gossip or slander that travels far beyond its source and causes irreversible harm.

Included in honesty is the reference to share the capacity in which they know the single, as a friend, relative, coworker, or old classmate, as we all have varying relationships with people. If you are not current, state that clearly, such as, “I knew her/him ten years ago.” People grow, mature, and change.

If the call comes when you are not in a good mood or are busy, state that now is not a good time for you, as your tone can be misinterpreted as negative toward someone you care greatly about. Let’s create opportunity, not break opportunity.

Let us partner as a community to protect the dignity of singles, respect those doing this sacred work, and uphold the values on which we want our homes built. The way we speak, ask, and listen in the shidduch process is not a minor detail. It reflects who we are and the kind of families we are striving to build.