Create Account
ב"ה
Monday, 25 Av, 5779
  |  August 26, 2019
    < >

    Why I Cried Alone on Shabbos

    From the COLlive inbox: A student completing 9th grade high school in Crown Heights writes why she cried alone on Shabbos. Full Story

    Man Throws Rock at Jewish Girl

    Next Story »

    Business Expo to Take Place in NJ

    111
    Opinions and Comments

    To keep track of your comments, follow a conversation or flag a comment Login
    avatar
      Subscribe  
    newest oldest most voted
    Notify of
    Not just girls
    Guest
    Not just girls

    Bochurim too have this issue. Although bochurim have an easier time handling it and can eat in 770 or an ufruf Shabbos day, for Shabbos night they really need a meal. Oh, if you’re inviting girls or have girls around that age, please don’t invite bochurim to those meals.

    Leah
    Guest
    Leah

    You’ve said what so many girls feel!
    Hope people get the message!!

    not only girls, not only 9th grade
    Guest
    not only girls, not only 9th grade

    This problem applies to bochrim of all ages too. Everyone prefers sitting at a normal Shabbos table over a yeshiva dining room. It’s not just about the food. It’s about the atmosphere. Yeshiva food can be good. At times it’s better than what you’ll be offered at people ‘s houses. But eating your meal in 15 minutes isn’t the same as a two hour shabbos meal. It’s not as if every Friday night is of the type that makes you cry. Sometimes you can sit and schmooze for a long time. But there are plenty of times it’s really not… Read more »

    I can relate!
    Guest
    I can relate!

    I am a high school girl that has experienced the same thing! Shabbos away from home is hard, especially when you dont feel wanted.

    Sorry to hear
    Guest
    Sorry to hear

    I am really sorry to hear that and I can only imagine how big a mesiras nefesh it is to be a Shlucha.
    All the best.
    Moshiah now

    100%
    Guest
    100%

    The “come whenever you want” invite doesn’t work, people don’t like to invite themselves over.
    If you actually want to be nice to someone it needs to be a specific invite.
    Unless you are just wanting to feel that your a good person, or family member, then you can say come whenever you want

    Yankel Todres
    Guest
    Yankel Todres

    B”H It sounds terrible, heartrending! This is something that the school principal (and teachers) should encourage all the students to participate in. All the girls should be asking their friends to eat with them on Shabbos and their parents to allow them to invite guests. Then the dorm mother too should have the weekly obligation to make sure that all the girls have places to be on Shabbos. I’m sure that Chassideshe families that already have girls at the table would be happy to be on a list that the dorm mother could call whenever needed to help care for… Read more »

    yes yes....
    Guest
    yes yes....

    i went thru a painfull yr of sem in the same situation..,i cried myself a few Friday nights…but BH had the Rebbes farbrenguen once a month shabbos day that made it all worth it…………. i find that people in -CH are amaaazing, the hachnosas orchim unequal, just that its non stop for them, they have hardly any private time for thier own familly, and when now i ask for places for our mekurovim, or ourselves to stay,) a task i definatly dont enjoy ), they even apologize if they have no phisical space!!!, and most times very warmly offer meals.… Read more »

    Same here
    Guest
    Same here

    Would love to get invited and not hear “oh ppl actually need meals?”

    sign in sheet
    Guest
    sign in sheet

    Maybe there should be a sheet up in class or in a hallway where people can sign when their families could host. This way families have notice so they have time to prep for guests and the people that are happy to host may not even realize this struggle is going on and will be aware with the sheet. This also takes care of the problem of asking. I am sure if the whole grade or class sees the sheet, between you going home for holidays and the remaining shabbosim you would actually be here the weeks would full up… Read more »

    To #1
    Guest
    To #1

    Yasher koach, we all needed that little laugh that brightened up this article😂😂😂😂

    Don’t have a daughter in high school
    Guest
    Don’t have a daughter in high school

    Would love to host out of town high school girls on shabbos maybe the school can set something up where families who are happy to host can sign up to host My younger daughter would love it

    From a fellow classmate of yours
    Guest
    From a fellow classmate of yours

    Wow! And to think that most of us don’t even realize the problem that’s right before our eyes. Thank you for writing to let us know, since this is an issue that must be resolved. This was very brave of you, and this won’t be allowed to happen again!

    Remember those days...
    Guest
    Remember those days...

    Was tough many years ago as I moved to CH as a 20 yr old. Still wished I was home surrounded by people who wanted me. But BH it was worth the unpleasantness because I met my husband BH and now I share my home with many.
    Hope more people reach out to the young ones in need.

    bochurim too
    Guest
    bochurim too

    bochurim too can get very very lonely! please invite them, they are special people and its a honor to host them by the shabbos table!

    Many would love to host
    Guest
    Many would love to host

    But need a way to be matched with those looking for a place

    What a loss
    Guest
    What a loss

    I am.a CH today Was here as out of towner as a young girl and always ate by family but still not always comfortable When i married an out of towner we had no money but opened our homes to bochurim and as a young couple. It was beautiful and expensive…however today when i have bochurim bec we ha e soooo many out of town relatives i do not encourage that girls shud be invited. I do not approve of mingling!! Even cousins should not be overly mingling …it is not healthy…so those dear girls that are such good friends… Read more »

    This was such an eye opener
    Guest
    This was such an eye opener

    Thank you for this article. I am in-towner and I try to invite the out of towners when I remember but I’m not that great at it. This article really showed me the importance of it. Thank you for bringing this up and I’ll try to get better at inviting them.

    An out of town classmate
    Guest
    An out of town classmate

    But would you really want to be invited to the home of a girl you don’t really know? Wouldn’t that make you feel even worse? Like a nebach, even? I know from personal experience that it’s super difficult to invite yourself over, it’s probably the hardest thing, but when girls do offer, but in that sappy sweet voice, I definitely feel like a nebach even more.

    out of town mom
    Guest
    out of town mom

    I was once a sem girl with no relatives in CH. BH for some great roommates and friends who shlepped me to their relatives. Shabbos before my wedding, had no where to go, so a friend brought me to her grandparents. Now I am a mom of many who went to high school out of town. In other cities the school arranges homes, (yay, Toronto!) and all the host families in the community! Thank you to all the families and teachers in all the cities who hosted my children for many meals!! There are so many singles, high school, sem,… Read more »

    SOOO DISAPPOINTED TO HEAR THIS...
    Guest
    SOOO DISAPPOINTED TO HEAR THIS...

    This issue should NOT be an issue!!! When out of town/country students (whether in high school or Seminary or Yeshiva) move to study in a city away from home, it should be the RESPONSIBILITY OF THE INSTITUTION at which they study at to help find families to host these students for Shabbos & Yomtov Meals (even if they’re boarding at a family & not forming)! My daughter is presently completing her Seminary Year in Melbourne, & B”H, there’s never been a situation of any of the girls not being invited out for a Shabbos or Yomtov meal. I truly hope… Read more »

    I feel you
    Guest
    I feel you

    This is the exact same for me. I grew up on shluchos and came to CH for school and every week this is exactly what happened and I have had many depressing meals myself. It is the ultimate stress over anything else. CH schools should arrange something so this doesn’t continue.

    lots of comments yet no invite!
    Guest
    lots of comments yet no invite!

    common CH rs post a comment that ur calling the schools with your invitations and addresses !

    A 9th grader
    Guest
    A 9th grader

    This is a very important issue and it should be resolved, but it has to be both sides. We all have no problem inviting guests and making out of towners feel at home, but we don’t know when works for you… Girls need to put themselves a bit more out and ask. You’re not a “nebach case” if you do so but you’re and actual normal out of towner. Whoever wrote this article needs to think and say did I ask or am I just talking, because talking and writing gets nowhere.

    related subject......erev shabos after mivtzoim....
    Guest
    related subject......erev shabos after mivtzoim....

    a great time to show care and send food, (kugel eg) for hungry bochurim, is after mivtzoim friday afternoon! perhaps for out of town sem girls too, who spend the afternoon on mivtzoim! many yeshives have hardly any lunch and on a long friday many bochurim come back just b4 shabos, starving. (its also a way, perhaps, to participate somehow in the mivtzoim!)

    a source of inspiration
    Guest
    a source of inspiration

    as much as we can do for the bochurim or the girls, its a true broche to have them at the table! they are fresh inspiration of Torah and chasidus and enhance the familly and guest shabos table!
    in shlichus places specifically you can see clearly and treasure the value and the differnce of Torah students and other youth thier age
    ashreinu!
    we love when they say a vort too! so pls have in mind that thats a way to help your hosts invite you back, and have other bochurim or girls over more often!

    To # 7, 10, & 12
    Guest
    To # 7, 10, & 12

    Excellent ideas, a little forethought & organization on the part of the schools & students would alleviate this problem completely. Well?

    Single girls renting
    Guest
    Single girls renting

    Please also think about the singles living in basements. They too would love to join families for meals. As there is nothing like being surrounded by nice families for a shabbos meal. You may think they have a place to go but it doesn’t hurt to ask. We would be grateful for the invite.

    My granddaughter is in your place
    Guest
    My granddaughter is in your place

    She has an off Shabbos every other week (not in CH) I am always telling her, invite some of your OOT friends to stay, we have plenty of room & would love it. She says they don’t want to come. The year is almost over and she has never brought anyone with her.

    There are always 2 sides to the coin, although my heart goes out to “Leah.” And honestly, where is the school? Don’t they see how their student is lonely?

    Nothing has changed since my children were there 25 years ago.

    Moshe pipick
    Guest
    Moshe pipick

    Should be job of school /dorm counselor/ mechaneches / teacher , to place the girls with families for every Shabbos meal that they need. They do this in many cities. The girls should not have to fend for themselves.

    This happened to me
    Guest
    This happened to me

    In beis rivkah seminary. But not only was I miserable and alone, I later got into trouble from the hanhala for having not gone out. Um…were you offering to host me?

    Social secretary
    Guest
    Social secretary

    The seminary in Melbourne designated a couple of girls to the job of social secretary. Every week they match up girls with hosts. I think beis rivkah should implement this system.

    So many feel this way!
    Guest
    So many feel this way!

    As an older single, I’ve become comfortable staying home alone often, but it is still painful sometimes. Yes, I host too. But there’s something to be said for spending shabbos in the family atmosphere, especially after being alone all week. To me the issue is that it’s very hard to meet people in crown heights if you’re not part of the schools or seminaries and don’t have local family. Many of my friends have moved away, and I probably will too, but for now I’m here and my circle of people I know has really dwindled. I am also aware… Read more »

    My experience
    Guest
    My experience

    After years of this I no longer keep shabbos. How many lonely hours can I spend at home, all the lonelier because everyone else is together. At some point I just stopped.

    To #6, and Parents
    Guest
    To #6, and Parents

    Call your friends and relatives periodically and ask them to invite your child. Give them your child’s number. Yes, in an ideal school system the Mechanech/et or dorm counselor would quietly go about finding invitations for out of towners, but there are flaws in the system. Hopefully, they will take some of these good commenter suggestions to heart/action. On the flip side, I have a policy with niece’s/nephews whether newlywed or students. After being turned down (for any reason) 3x, let me know when you do want to come. They know they are wanted and my kids love when they… Read more »

    Not only in CH
    Guest
    Not only in CH

    Our children have been away for years and rarely have been invited. Sunday is a lonely day too. It would be nice to know that the school plays a role and organizes something behind the scenes so that out of towners don’t feel so lonely.

    Bochurim too
    Guest
    Bochurim too

    For bochurim people take for granted that they will figure out their Shabbos day meal, Sorry to say they don’t have where to eat please look out for them.

    P.s. This’s true for the married couples as well, lots of them don’t have family in CH and would love to be invited out.

    reminder
    Guest
    reminder

    While this is really heartbreaking, and some of us would love to host, the out of towners are here for another few weeks. Please remind us at the start of next school year again.

    Organize!
    Guest
    Organize!

    I think this issue is the responsibility of the school leaders, a committee, those who may be overseeing the protocol and evaluating ongoing needs of the educational system. It’s surprising to me that a plan is not already in place!

    Standing with you!
    Guest
    Standing with you!

    No one deserves to be lonely. We all stand with you Leah! We just need to keep on sharing our feelings so others can stand with us and help when needed!

    shabbos family
    Guest
    shabbos family

    I grew up in Crown heights and we were a “Shabbos home’ for an out of towner. This situation must be rectified immediately! This should never happen again!

    Make a site
    Guest
    Make a site

    Make a matching app or site. Would be popular worldwide. School, please speak to her class. Thanks.

    Dorm Counsellors
    Guest
    Dorm Counsellors

    I was a dorm counsellor at machon chanah and one of the jobs was to set up shabbos meals. Who is running the dorm? It doesnt sound like it’s being run properly. The school principles need to make sure this is organised. Please don’t let one more Shabbos go by without this being set up properly.

    agree 100%
    Guest
    agree 100%

    the hardest part of being an out of towner is shabbos meals. intowners, please, invite!

    Parents???
    Guest
    Parents???

    When I went away to high school my parents helped me to find Shabbos meals by our relatives and family friends. They did the calling too. A 14, 15, 16 year old is still a child, and no child should be expected to leave home so young and have to fend for themselves including finding meals week after week.

    So sad
    Guest
    So sad

    Maybe the principles should make sure the out of owners are taken care of. This should never happen

    # 6 wrote it perfectly
    Guest
    # 6 wrote it perfectly

    Exactly the way I feel, giving an open invitation, makes me feel like a groveling shnorrer, because I feel like I have to ask before coming over anyway. It is much nicer to get a direct personal invitation. But being I am an older man, I probably do not deserve that kind of attention, but I guess the high school age probably do deserve it, especially children of shluchim!!!

    This could have been me writing the op-ed
    Guest
    This could have been me writing the op-ed

    When I was a bochur I had this exact same problem in Crown Heights, and it was actually persistent throughout the time I learned in Oholei Torah over a period of several years as well as when I was a post smicha 770 bochur. I too didn’t want to sound bitter, but at the end of the day, I didnt have any relatives in CH and for whatever array of reasons, my friends overlooked Shabbos meals as an aspect of my Shabbos which was very important to me but one that I struggled to solve. I don’t think there is… Read more »

    Love to host
    Guest
    Love to host

    We love to host and the last thing we want to hear is a lack of communication got in the way of a win-win hosting-guesting! We love to host you. we did tell you that we love when you come, please feel free to come anytime. it’s hard to keep inviting since many weeks you tell us you’re taken. we don’t want to be pushy. we’d love for you to tell us when you would like to come over so we don’t have to keep guessing when you really want to come to us. we have other people invite themselves… Read more »

    23 years ago ....
    Guest
    23 years ago ....

    I was an out of town Bochur learning … then working …. I had friends and I made more freinds and was lucky to be invited out for shabbos …. I don’t remember a week that I spent alone …. I truly appreciate the effort that my hosts went to in inviting me and I will always be grateful and try and repay the kindness … thank you !!

    Same issue in Sem
    Guest
    Same issue in Sem

    When I was in seminary the school was expected to empty for sukkos but I had no family in Israel no money to go back to the states and they turned power off to most of the building as welll as shut off the kitchen. I was the only American left behind with a hand full of Israelis who also had no where to go and I wondered what happened to ahavas Israel? Not everyone has family and it is very sad to be alone. I was so sad that was the loneliest sukkos of my life.

    Parent
    Guest
    Parent

    # 25
    It is a sad realty it should be the institutions responsibility just as they give other meals no one should have to starve after Mivtzoim

    To all those who"love to host", from a bochur.
    Guest
    To all those who"love to host", from a bochur.

    None of you have put in any information, an address, a phone number. Nothing.
    I love to host also when I don’t have to actually host.
    Maybe someone step up and give some info so that those who want could take up the opportunity.

    Used to be oot
    Guest
    Used to be oot

    I know just what the writer means…shabbos is tough if you aren’t outgoing enough to invite yourself. bh those years are behind me,but I do make a point to call ppl and give a direct invitation for a meal ( open invitations are not invitations!!)
    Going forward and taking advantage of the tech world we live in: someone should make a shabbos invite app with one side being hosts seeking guests and the other, guests seeking hosts..I’m sure that would help smooth the process alot!

    It was the same for me
    Guest
    It was the same for me

    My parents got divorced and my mother never made a Friday night meal. I tried to get invited out, but it was very hard. I have bitter memories from that experience. My father moved away and so that wasn’t an option. I was bitter and distressed that in CH I couldn’t find a place to eat with a family on shabbos. I sympathize with the author and my heart breaks for her.

    Didnt realize this problem exists in CH
    Guest
    Didnt realize this problem exists in CH

    Our kids used to invite their friends and we always had a full Shabbos table. Now our kids and their friends are married so we often have an empty table. I would love to host but am not connected to bochurim or girls any more. We often remark how much we miss having guests. Someone in the hanhala should appoint someone to arrange meals for students. There must be easy ways to arrange this through whats app or even on a message board on collive.

    ROSTER OF HOSTS
    Guest
    ROSTER OF HOSTS

    I remember a long time ago (and perhaps even now), the councellors had the responsbility to place the girls with hosts every Shabbos meal. The name was written up before Shabbos of which girl/s went to which host.
    If the counsellors aren’t able to do this duty, due to time constraints or whatever – then the school should pay someone
    just for that job. Hatzlacha to all and simcha.

    A nebby out of towner speaks
    Guest
    A nebby out of towner speaks

    Some people are socially awkward. It’s just the reality of life. Some are working on it. Some aren’t. But even if they aren’t the biggest social butterfly they still need a decent Shabbos meal. I was super socially awkward in high school, and I would wait from Motzei Shabbos to Thursday night hoping and praying for a Shabbos invitation. They never came, and every Thursday I would call the same family to ask if I could come. I’m sure they were annoyed that I called every week and that I waited until Thursday to reach out, and they probably didn’t… Read more »

    I am super, super angry and upset
    Guest
    I am super, super angry and upset

    I am furious hearing about this. It is VERY stressful to invite oneself out for Shabbos meals. Many years ago Machon Chana matched the girls up with families every Shabbos, and those girls were older. Yeshiva Chanoch Lenaar, called families EVERY week to ask if they could host bochurim.

    HANHALA – DO YOUR JOB!!!!!!! Where are YOU? Call families to get a list of families that can regularly host, and call those families!

    It is heartbreaking to hear this poor girl crying out like this!

    a reason why
    Guest
    a reason why

    Families can be overwhelmed with working, taking care of the kids and making Shabbos and it can be easy to forget others are in need, or sometimes Shabbos is too tiring to have guests. I’m not giving people excuses but just saying some well-meaning people might be overwhelmed.

    Heard this before
    Guest
    Heard this before

    This is not the first time that I have read a similar plea on a CH website. One of the key factors for young boys and girls who come to CH to learn is to have a strong social network. i fail to understand why in a community as organized as Ch is about every other chesed need this has not yet been addressed. Surly setting up an app where boys and girls can post that they would like to be hosted and then the families who are willing and happy to host can respond. Dealing with the loneliness of… Read more »

    Hosting family
    Guest
    Hosting family

    Would love to host
    Please ask school to send out an email so that we can sign up
    As a hosting family
    We are available any week someone wants to come

    Hosting
    Guest
    Hosting

    A few points about hosting: 1. Hosting is a Mitzvah, but it’s also a personality Not everyone likes hosting. Very social people love it and can’t imagine a Shabbos without guests, while more reserved people find it extremely difficult or impossible. The idea of having to entertain and socialize with guests gives them nightmares. 2. There are private reasons There are many reasons why families may be unable to host. Sometimes a family can be going through a rough patch financially, emotionally or mentally. When a family is going through this, it’s impossible to have guests over. There are other… Read more »

    out of towner
    Guest
    out of towner

    As an out of towner who attended seminary in CH and knows how meaningful it was to get shabbos invitations , I now live in CH and have an open home ( in my case its for boys as i have older boys) and have lots of single guys who know they can come eat whenever they want , no invitation necessary. I alwasy make sure to have enough food in case extra people come ( and they alwasy do)

    post-sem can relate to!
    Guest
    post-sem can relate to!

    Leah, your words sound like ones coming from the heart, filled with pain, emotion and also maturity. You are definitely not alone in this constant-basis experience, sadly so, and even seminary age and post-seminary girls feel just the same way! I have been living here in CH for 4 years now and go through the same thing, and start thinking and worrying about my Shabbos meals from Sunday and on. I try to arrange as best as I could with my roommates, etc, but it is still tough, and if it doesn’t work out, I too will end up eating… Read more »

    Another solution
    Guest
    Another solution

    I remember years ago i would call rabbi kastel at tzeirei agudas chabad to get places for people who i would bring to crown hts for shabbos. They had a list of families who would sign up with them as wanting shabbas guests. I know how being alone shabbat can make you cry and not want to bother with kiddush and a seudah. Now i found hardly anyone signs up with rabbi kastel anymore as wanting guests. In israel in seminary years ago the girls all teamed up in helping prepare for shabbos . Thats how i learned to make… Read more »

    As a Dorm Counselor
    Guest
    As a Dorm Counselor

    As a (Toronto) DC It was our responsibility to find meals for the girls that were in the dorm. When there are 20+ girls and you have to find meals for both friday night and shabbos day it can get really hard. We had a list of families in the community that were open to hosting High school girls for shabbos meals. That is something that can definitely be done in our community here in Crown Heights. Like you said, the families here in Crown Heights are most hospitable and welcoming!!! This is something the schools should be organizing for… Read more »

    Would love to host
    Guest
    Would love to host

    We have a 9th grade daughter so the situation mentioned in the article is perfect.

    We’ve been looking for these opportunities for a while but really don’t know how to make it happen.

    My email is nmichalowsky (at google mail).

    Naftali Michalowsky
    Crown Street between Troy and Schen

    to #63
    Guest
    to #63

    I think you’re missing the point. Of course everyone can’t host every week, and there are absolutely valid reasons not to. But in a community the size of Crown Heights, there are enough families that everyone can have time off hosting (or never host if they don’t want to) and STILL no one should be without a place for Shabbos. There are so many people here!

     Yup, Been there...
    Guest
    Yup, Been there...

    As a bochur.
    Excellent point that needs to be repeated over and over again, as well as each school should email every student and parent as well.
    BE”H our daughter will be going to BR, next year, into the 9th grade, and will be coming home for Shabbos, and we will encourage her to bring guests home.

    here's an idea
    Guest
    here's an idea

    It’s time to create a website where hosts can post available spots for boys or girls and the students can reserve a spot at their table. Similar to http://www.opentable.com, but for individual hosts, not restaurants.

    Former Yeshiva student
    Guest
    Former Yeshiva student

    Over 30 years ago when I was a Bochur in a large Yeshiva, there was never a week when I was not set up. The Yeshiva took responsibility to insure everyone had a place for Shabbos. Often they would also accede to special requests for a particular family or location. The Menahal of the yeshiva took personal responsibility week after week, even though there were hundreds of students and he had a lot of other responsibilities. I don’t know how he did it (I think he is still there over 30 years later). Surely with far fewer students and a… Read more »

    Resident
    Guest
    Resident

    Where can one host bachurim? I want my young sons to see the chayaus and Bren . I would love to host them it would be my greatest joy ! But I don’t have older children in the yeshiva zeal to find out who needs an invite

    In my days
    Guest
    In my days

    I remember as a kid learning in Bedford there were always permanent bochurim from the dorm that were our Shabbes guest and the Yeshiva placed them . No need to have to worry every week where one will go. The school should place these girls on a permanent basis in a home.
    PS This might also help out with the shidduch crisis.

    Website
    Guest
    Website

    There’s a website shabbos.com for pple who want to host or find a place for shabbos worldwide. Maybe we can have a ch one, for older singles. High school kids won’t call on their own..

    The Responsible Party...
    Guest
    The Responsible Party...

    There is no doubt about the fact that the hachnosas orchim in CH suits second to none. Think about the amount of weekends a year where thousands of people are hosted in 1 week…
    The issue here is a lack of planning by hanhala. It should be their responsibility to make sure that their students have a place to eat every Shabbos. End of story.

    School's responsibility
    Guest
    School's responsibility

    The dorm mother, dorm counselor or other designated person from the school should set up out of towners for Shabbos. I know that Hadar Hatorah & Machon Chana used to do this. How much more so, these younger folks need to be placed.

    everyones is missing the point of this article
    Guest
    everyones is missing the point of this article

    I’m pretty sure this girl wasn’t referring to making websites or being paired up with random families. I think all she wants is that classmates and relatives should make sure to give personal invitations and not just say “come whenever you want”. It is not very comfortable for a high school girl to go to this random family and feel like a nebach because she has no where to eat for Shabbos. She will feel so much happier eating by a meal of her classmate or relatives who invited her personally. Only then will she feel comfortable.

    I agree with #78
    Guest
    I agree with #78

    Most high school girls won’t be comfortable being paired up with a random family.

    #65
    Guest
    #65

    Ur so sweet;)

    To 78
    Guest
    To 78

    Quote: “Or, if you don’t have high school girls,perhaps call the dorm counsellors offering your home for some girls to join your meal”.

    No, everyone is not missing the point.

    yasher koach, leah!
    Guest
    yasher koach, leah!

    you are so brave, and seeing comments that show how peopl are so clueless only proves how important your article is!
    all dormies (and boarders too, sometimes!) face this dilemma, some more than others.
    YOU, yes, YOU who is reading this right now!
    think of at least one person you think might be alone this shabbos, parshas nasso, and call them tonight!

    Hosting
    Guest
    Hosting

    This is something that isn’t taught here in crown heights – to reach out to our own.

    how sad
    Guest
    how sad

    the people in CH are wonderful over exteneded to our community. the women of CH have orchim all the time…sometimes the orchim is just family!!! sometimes the orchim size are more than the original family size, and it is a huge Mitzvah , however listen carefully! most women are working and need one night a week to spend with husband and children and give them their undivided attention!!! we are also on Shlichus, a different kind but on one. people in random cities like in Toronto cchicago.. montreal that are in Chinuch dnt have this CONSTANT never ending list of… Read more »

    Shabbos Gems program for Post Seminary Girls
    Guest
    Shabbos Gems program for Post Seminary Girls

    https://livingchassidus.org/shabbosgems/

    Program to help alleviate this issue for Post seminary women

    another problem in CH about hosting
    Guest
    another problem in CH about hosting

    we live abroad and it’s impossible to find anywhere to stay in CH without it costing a fortune in short term rentals . even family now won’t have us stay. if they need a place to stay out of town for a simcha it’s a given they will be hosted, try the other way around !!! “oh it’s my son who takes care of the basement, call him” is what we get, oh they forgot we made them sheva brochos long ago, they forgot how my mother looked after their father, they forgot how for a couple of years as… Read more »

    simple advice for you to stop whining
    Guest
    simple advice for you to stop whining

    go up to someone who looks friendly and ask them, “do you know where I can eat?’

    its a non awkward way of asking, because it doesn’t sound mean to say no, or they can say “come to me,” or they can point you to someone/somewhere were you can eat. you have to be proactive.

    the other way around
    Guest
    the other way around

    i would like to add…hundreds of bochurim BH have been to our house during thier yrs of yeshiva, we hosted them with love and care, we cared during the week too etc
    we come to crown heights, or other cities where they live, not one invites us over even for a coffee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    lately as they leave our house after a meal and most say thank you, i decided to wish them, may you do this for others iYH when you have your own home………
    pls parents educate your kids to return kindness….

    You are more than welcome!
    Guest
    You are more than welcome!

    We have guests every meal. We rarely know who they are, but we get to know them:) we are super warm and you are welcome to walk in whenever you want! Call for an address:)
    7184673473! Waiting to hear from you and see you!!

    go spend shabbos in williamsburg or boro park or monsey. very welcoming, hospitable places
    Guest
    go spend shabbos in williamsburg or boro park or monsey. very welcoming, hospitable places

    worse comes to worse, walk to Williamsburg. go to satmar, put an uncomfortable expression on your face and someone will invite you. (this is a worse case scenario. no one should have to walk an hour for a Shabbos meal in Brooklyn.) you are 100% right. you should be able to find a meal and a family in your neighborhood. don’t be a social butterfly if that’s not your thing. find one or two families and develop a kesher with them.

    Wow
    Guest
    Wow

    Please post contact information for the dorm mothers so that we can have them arrange a sign-up sheet. We would be happy to host girls or bochurim (separately of course). I remember being in yeshiva in EY and they made a sign up sheet and would call families to arrange meals for groups of bochurim. I’m so surprised that such an issue exists when there is such a simple solution to have the dorm mothers arrange for the girls to eat out. I personally preferred to farbreng with the bochurim in yeshiva and to daven long and learn on shabbos… Read more »

    Room for improvement
    Guest
    Room for improvement

    Yeshivas have the responsibility of caring for the whole child….academically, physically, emotionally, etc. Otherwise, don’t have young people sign up for an unfamiliar place and dump them there. That is plainly and simply irresponsible.Yeshivas should be set up for all aspects of importance so that the student can thrive to his/her potential. Please consider revisiting issues on importance, this one and others, and formalize a plan. Who is responsible for the first step? Where does the leadership stand on this?

    Buddy system
    Guest
    Buddy system

    The yeshiva in my home town had a buddy system.. basically if one of the buddies got invited/made arrangements they took their buddy with them…it’s not a perfect system in itself but if any system is going to go into place this halves the effort… and for the people in this position, take someone along with you. We host most week unless my wife needs a break or we’re having a family meal. If we are having guests one more is always okay specially if we actually know about it before hand and who hasn’t sliced the gefilte fish thinner… Read more »

    Another long ago 9th Grader
    Guest
    Another long ago 9th Grader

    I can relate. I also went oot in 9th grade…
    I got a couple of invitations but the lady I boarded with, a holocaust survivor and widow, used to beg my sisters and I to stay. We were very shy so it was ok but not great socially. But we did the right thing.

    Stay strong...You are not alone
    Guest
    Stay strong...You are not alone

    So sorry you went theough this. I cried while reading it. For the six years I was a bochur in yeshiva away from home I was not popular and rarely got invited out to eat. I was amongst the two or three Bochurim who ate every shabbos In the yeshivah basement dining room. Sometimes it really hurt when I was the only one there. Those were very lonely times. Yeshiva can be tough when you are away from home. You learn to tolerate pain and hurt. It’s a rough world. Stay strong.

    Shame
    Guest
    Shame

    The girls mom or dad should be arranging for their daughters meals if by wed night she is without an invitation. Then she can be excited and stress free from Thursday. In fact they can arrange for a few weeks at time and everyone has it in their calendar and mom calls with a reminder if invitation is still on!
    I host a lot but sometimes am too exhausted … hosting is time and effort. Food preps and setting and clearing off and chatting to make guests feel comfortable can be exileratibg but exhausting too!
    Leah, thank you for sharing!!

    Schools should get involved
    Guest
    Schools should get involved

    There should be someone assigned in each school to final a student that would be able to host each week and it should be for each grade so the dormies should feel comfortable eating there and each week they should let the girl hosting know that a certain amount of girls are coming

    Think of your child's teacher
    Guest
    Think of your child's teacher

    Many of the girls who teach in the Crown Heights schools are from out of town. These girls give their heart and soul to teaching the Crown Heights children. It would be nice if the parents of the students would think of inviting their child’s teacher for a meal. My daughter has been teaching in Crown Heights for several years and it is rare for any of the parents to think of her.

    We would love to host
    Guest
    We would love to host

    Please provide a way to reach you for an invitation 🙂

    Big Gedalya Goomberg
    Guest
    Big Gedalya Goomberg

    In lubavitch fun amol there were essen teg. Tomchei tmimim would arrange for bochrim to go to balabatim that wanted to be mishtatef with tomchei tmimim and host bochrim, & it went both ways, because the bochrim would bring the avir of tot”l in the house by just acting like a bocher and saying divrei torah (da”ch) thereby bringing chassidus into the house the kids having growing up like that… Just because yeshivas now have a kitchen, that doesnt mean that there is no reason in the other side of the coin, nowadays bifrat,. A shtub ohn chssidis is a… Read more »

    The solution
    Guest
    The solution

    Oholei Torah ZAL has meals shabbos and every yomtov, year round. (besides pesach). This is the simplest and best solution. Bochurim, even locals, rely on it Good job OT!

    out of town school
    Guest
    out of town school

    It’s hard for a small community to host many boys and girls each Shabbos. It’s hard to have hosts have to call around for guests every week- we work, take care of kids, etc and the next thing you know it’s Thursday night and we have no guests. Sometimes we were deemed not great hosts, so we didn’t get many calls from the school./ If one guest is unhappy, word spreads quickly through the school to avoid that home. Now I have teen sons and daughters, so we have no student guests. Schools can organize “Shabbos In”, for all the… Read more »

    Homeless in Israel Seminary
    Guest
    Homeless in Israel Seminary

    My daughter did tell me ( a year later) that she was practically homeless when they needed to find a place for Succos…..

    BR Out of Towner
    Guest
    BR Out of Towner

    Thank you to all those thoughtful families!!!! Wish there were more like them.

    Leah thank you so much for bringing up such an important topic which no one even touches.

    Open house
    Guest
    Open house

    I love having guests over for Shabbos and we have plenty of food. Schools should do a better job of letting families in Crown Heights be involved with this.

    really sad to hear.
    Guest
    really sad to hear.

    but, not to offer lame excuses, i have really found that there are times the oot students themselves may limit their possibilities of being invited for shabbos because they only feel comfortable with hosts of a certain age, cultural background, other family members and/or guests they can relate to etc. we happen to be old timers who would host more often if we didn’t get the feeling the guests were not particularly excited to spend time with us “old geezers.”

    Adopt an oot
    Guest
    Adopt an oot

    #41 is right try to addopt on a constant basis a few bochurim at a time they should feel as if it’s their 2nd home , or girls . Once the girl feels comfortable in a specific home just adopt her ask her to come back again an again

    Website that matches hosts and guests
    Guest
    Website that matches hosts and guests

    Rabbi Benzion Klatzko ,from Monsey, he himself hosts dozens of guests every shabbos and is heavily involved in outreach, he created a website I think it’s named go Shabbes They match every Shabbes thousands of guests with hosts all over the world in hundreds of cities , we might just copy the idea for our community

    Negligenc
    Guest
    Negligenc

    Someone(s) is /are not spending a moment to fulfill their responsibilities in the yeshiva caretaking of all things important. Very sad.

    41 and 107
    Guest
    41 and 107

    i suggested the same to the yeshiva here,an advantage could be that sometimes the bochur or girl need other things then just a shabos meals, it could be an extra blanket, or someone in who to confide something important to them…

    regarding out of town teachers , great point! on shlichus too, the shluchim should pay more attention to the girs just coming out of sem, they still need good hashpo`o, they need to learn chasidus to keep strong, a farbrenguen etc. please shluchim take care of the young shluchim…this is an investment, besides a benefit for them themselves.

    Such a crying shame
    Guest
    Such a crying shame

    Sad to say but unfortunately this is the matzav of CH today. No excuses for the ‘shchuna” once praised as the Rebbe’s neighbourhood and now infamously known as the centre of epicurean gluttony where people come from all over to its broad choice of new and newest restaurants. How far did this once holy place descend! Still, b”h, there are plenty of other warm, genuine and truly chassidish cities to learn in. Proud to say, Montreal is one fine example.

    X