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Why I Cried Alone on Shabbos

From the COLlive inbox: A student completing 9th grade high school in Crown Heights writes why she cried alone on Shabbos. Full Story

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Such a crying shame
May 28, 2018 3:42 pm

Sad to say but unfortunately this is the matzav of CH today. No excuses for the ‘shchuna” once praised as the Rebbe’s neighbourhood and now infamously known as the centre of epicurean gluttony where people come from all over to its broad choice of new and newest restaurants. How far did this once holy place descend! Still, b”h, there are plenty of other warm, genuine and truly chassidish cities to learn in. Proud to say, Montreal is one fine example.

41 and 107
May 26, 2018 11:41 pm

i suggested the same to the yeshiva here,an advantage could be that sometimes the bochur or girl need other things then just a shabos meals, it could be an extra blanket, or someone in who to confide something important to them…

regarding out of town teachers , great point! on shlichus too, the shluchim should pay more attention to the girs just coming out of sem, they still need good hashpo`o, they need to learn chasidus to keep strong, a farbrenguen etc. please shluchim take care of the young shluchim…this is an investment, besides a benefit for them themselves.

Negligenc
May 25, 2018 5:29 pm

Someone(s) is /are not spending a moment to fulfill their responsibilities in the yeshiva caretaking of all things important. Very sad.

Website that matches hosts and guests
May 24, 2018 11:01 pm

Rabbi Benzion Klatzko ,from Monsey, he himself hosts dozens of guests every shabbos and is heavily involved in outreach, he created a website I think it’s named go Shabbes They match every Shabbes thousands of guests with hosts all over the world in hundreds of cities , we might just copy the idea for our community

Adopt an oot
May 24, 2018 10:48 pm

#41 is right try to addopt on a constant basis a few bochurim at a time they should feel as if it’s their 2nd home , or girls . Once the girl feels comfortable in a specific home just adopt her ask her to come back again an again

really sad to hear.
May 24, 2018 10:14 pm

but, not to offer lame excuses, i have really found that there are times the oot students themselves may limit their possibilities of being invited for shabbos because they only feel comfortable with hosts of a certain age, cultural background, other family members and/or guests they can relate to etc. we happen to be old timers who would host more often if we didn’t get the feeling the guests were not particularly excited to spend time with us “old geezers.”

Open house
May 24, 2018 9:15 pm

I love having guests over for Shabbos and we have plenty of food. Schools should do a better job of letting families in Crown Heights be involved with this.

BR Out of Towner
May 24, 2018 5:10 pm

Thank you to all those thoughtful families!!!! Wish there were more like them.

Leah thank you so much for bringing up such an important topic which no one even touches.

Homeless in Israel Seminary
May 24, 2018 4:50 pm

My daughter did tell me ( a year later) that she was practically homeless when they needed to find a place for Succos…..

out of town school
May 24, 2018 2:10 pm

It’s hard for a small community to host many boys and girls each Shabbos. It’s hard to have hosts have to call around for guests every week- we work, take care of kids, etc and the next thing you know it’s Thursday night and we have no guests. Sometimes we were deemed not great hosts, so we didn’t get many calls from the school./ If one guest is unhappy, word spreads quickly through the school to avoid that home. Now I have teen sons and daughters, so we have no student guests. Schools can organize “Shabbos In”, for all the… Read more »

The solution
May 24, 2018 10:44 am

Oholei Torah ZAL has meals shabbos and every yomtov, year round. (besides pesach). This is the simplest and best solution. Bochurim, even locals, rely on it Good job OT!

Big Gedalya Goomberg
May 24, 2018 12:24 am

In lubavitch fun amol there were essen teg. Tomchei tmimim would arrange for bochrim to go to balabatim that wanted to be mishtatef with tomchei tmimim and host bochrim, & it went both ways, because the bochrim would bring the avir of tot”l in the house by just acting like a bocher and saying divrei torah (da”ch) thereby bringing chassidus into the house the kids having growing up like that… Just because yeshivas now have a kitchen, that doesnt mean that there is no reason in the other side of the coin, nowadays bifrat,. A shtub ohn chssidis is a… Read more »

We would love to host
May 23, 2018 9:20 pm

Please provide a way to reach you for an invitation 🙂

Think of your child's teacher
May 23, 2018 8:53 pm

Many of the girls who teach in the Crown Heights schools are from out of town. These girls give their heart and soul to teaching the Crown Heights children. It would be nice if the parents of the students would think of inviting their child’s teacher for a meal. My daughter has been teaching in Crown Heights for several years and it is rare for any of the parents to think of her.

Schools should get involved
May 23, 2018 8:51 pm

There should be someone assigned in each school to final a student that would be able to host each week and it should be for each grade so the dormies should feel comfortable eating there and each week they should let the girl hosting know that a certain amount of girls are coming

Shame
May 23, 2018 7:17 pm

The girls mom or dad should be arranging for their daughters meals if by wed night she is without an invitation. Then she can be excited and stress free from Thursday. In fact they can arrange for a few weeks at time and everyone has it in their calendar and mom calls with a reminder if invitation is still on!
I host a lot but sometimes am too exhausted … hosting is time and effort. Food preps and setting and clearing off and chatting to make guests feel comfortable can be exileratibg but exhausting too!
Leah, thank you for sharing!!

Stay strong...You are not alone
May 23, 2018 6:58 pm

So sorry you went theough this. I cried while reading it. For the six years I was a bochur in yeshiva away from home I was not popular and rarely got invited out to eat. I was amongst the two or three Bochurim who ate every shabbos In the yeshivah basement dining room. Sometimes it really hurt when I was the only one there. Those were very lonely times. Yeshiva can be tough when you are away from home. You learn to tolerate pain and hurt. It’s a rough world. Stay strong.

Another long ago 9th Grader
May 23, 2018 6:34 pm

I can relate. I also went oot in 9th grade…
I got a couple of invitations but the lady I boarded with, a holocaust survivor and widow, used to beg my sisters and I to stay. We were very shy so it was ok but not great socially. But we did the right thing.

Buddy system
May 23, 2018 4:27 pm

The yeshiva in my home town had a buddy system.. basically if one of the buddies got invited/made arrangements they took their buddy with them…it’s not a perfect system in itself but if any system is going to go into place this halves the effort… and for the people in this position, take someone along with you. We host most week unless my wife needs a break or we’re having a family meal. If we are having guests one more is always okay specially if we actually know about it before hand and who hasn’t sliced the gefilte fish thinner… Read more »

Room for improvement
May 23, 2018 4:14 pm

Yeshivas have the responsibility of caring for the whole child….academically, physically, emotionally, etc. Otherwise, don’t have young people sign up for an unfamiliar place and dump them there. That is plainly and simply irresponsible.Yeshivas should be set up for all aspects of importance so that the student can thrive to his/her potential. Please consider revisiting issues on importance, this one and others, and formalize a plan. Who is responsible for the first step? Where does the leadership stand on this?

Wow
May 23, 2018 3:52 pm

Please post contact information for the dorm mothers so that we can have them arrange a sign-up sheet. We would be happy to host girls or bochurim (separately of course). I remember being in yeshiva in EY and they made a sign up sheet and would call families to arrange meals for groups of bochurim. I’m so surprised that such an issue exists when there is such a simple solution to have the dorm mothers arrange for the girls to eat out. I personally preferred to farbreng with the bochurim in yeshiva and to daven long and learn on shabbos… Read more »

go spend shabbos in williamsburg or boro park or monsey. very welcoming, hospitable places
May 23, 2018 12:47 pm

worse comes to worse, walk to Williamsburg. go to satmar, put an uncomfortable expression on your face and someone will invite you. (this is a worse case scenario. no one should have to walk an hour for a Shabbos meal in Brooklyn.) you are 100% right. you should be able to find a meal and a family in your neighborhood. don’t be a social butterfly if that’s not your thing. find one or two families and develop a kesher with them.

You are more than welcome!
May 23, 2018 12:43 pm

We have guests every meal. We rarely know who they are, but we get to know them:) we are super warm and you are welcome to walk in whenever you want! Call for an address:)
7184673473! Waiting to hear from you and see you!!

the other way around
May 23, 2018 12:39 pm

i would like to add…hundreds of bochurim BH have been to our house during thier yrs of yeshiva, we hosted them with love and care, we cared during the week too etc
we come to crown heights, or other cities where they live, not one invites us over even for a coffee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
lately as they leave our house after a meal and most say thank you, i decided to wish them, may you do this for others iYH when you have your own home………
pls parents educate your kids to return kindness….

simple advice for you to stop whining
May 23, 2018 12:34 pm

go up to someone who looks friendly and ask them, “do you know where I can eat?’

its a non awkward way of asking, because it doesn’t sound mean to say no, or they can say “come to me,” or they can point you to someone/somewhere were you can eat. you have to be proactive.

another problem in CH about hosting
May 23, 2018 12:20 pm

we live abroad and it’s impossible to find anywhere to stay in CH without it costing a fortune in short term rentals . even family now won’t have us stay. if they need a place to stay out of town for a simcha it’s a given they will be hosted, try the other way around !!! “oh it’s my son who takes care of the basement, call him” is what we get, oh they forgot we made them sheva brochos long ago, they forgot how my mother looked after their father, they forgot how for a couple of years as… Read more »

Shabbos Gems program for Post Seminary Girls
May 23, 2018 12:07 pm

https://livingchassidus.org/shabbosgems/

Program to help alleviate this issue for Post seminary women

how sad
May 23, 2018 11:35 am

the people in CH are wonderful over exteneded to our community. the women of CH have orchim all the time…sometimes the orchim is just family!!! sometimes the orchim size are more than the original family size, and it is a huge Mitzvah , however listen carefully! most women are working and need one night a week to spend with husband and children and give them their undivided attention!!! we are also on Shlichus, a different kind but on one. people in random cities like in Toronto cchicago.. montreal that are in Chinuch dnt have this CONSTANT never ending list of… Read more »

Hosting
May 23, 2018 11:18 am

This is something that isn’t taught here in crown heights – to reach out to our own.

yasher koach, leah!
May 23, 2018 11:17 am

you are so brave, and seeing comments that show how peopl are so clueless only proves how important your article is!
all dormies (and boarders too, sometimes!) face this dilemma, some more than others.
YOU, yes, YOU who is reading this right now!
think of at least one person you think might be alone this shabbos, parshas nasso, and call them tonight!

To 78
May 23, 2018 11:14 am

Quote: “Or, if you don’t have high school girls,perhaps call the dorm counsellors offering your home for some girls to join your meal”.

No, everyone is not missing the point.

#65
May 23, 2018 11:08 am

Ur so sweet;)

I agree with #78
May 23, 2018 11:05 am

Most high school girls won’t be comfortable being paired up with a random family.

everyones is missing the point of this article
May 23, 2018 10:54 am

I’m pretty sure this girl wasn’t referring to making websites or being paired up with random families. I think all she wants is that classmates and relatives should make sure to give personal invitations and not just say “come whenever you want”. It is not very comfortable for a high school girl to go to this random family and feel like a nebach because she has no where to eat for Shabbos. She will feel so much happier eating by a meal of her classmate or relatives who invited her personally. Only then will she feel comfortable.

School's responsibility
May 23, 2018 10:50 am

The dorm mother, dorm counselor or other designated person from the school should set up out of towners for Shabbos. I know that Hadar Hatorah & Machon Chana used to do this. How much more so, these younger folks need to be placed.

The Responsible Party...
May 23, 2018 10:46 am

There is no doubt about the fact that the hachnosas orchim in CH suits second to none. Think about the amount of weekends a year where thousands of people are hosted in 1 week…
The issue here is a lack of planning by hanhala. It should be their responsibility to make sure that their students have a place to eat every Shabbos. End of story.

Website
May 23, 2018 10:41 am

There’s a website shabbos.com for pple who want to host or find a place for shabbos worldwide. Maybe we can have a ch one, for older singles. High school kids won’t call on their own..

In my days
May 23, 2018 10:34 am

I remember as a kid learning in Bedford there were always permanent bochurim from the dorm that were our Shabbes guest and the Yeshiva placed them . No need to have to worry every week where one will go. The school should place these girls on a permanent basis in a home.
PS This might also help out with the shidduch crisis.

Resident
May 23, 2018 10:34 am

Where can one host bachurim? I want my young sons to see the chayaus and Bren . I would love to host them it would be my greatest joy ! But I don’t have older children in the yeshiva zeal to find out who needs an invite

Former Yeshiva student
May 23, 2018 10:27 am

Over 30 years ago when I was a Bochur in a large Yeshiva, there was never a week when I was not set up. The Yeshiva took responsibility to insure everyone had a place for Shabbos. Often they would also accede to special requests for a particular family or location. The Menahal of the yeshiva took personal responsibility week after week, even though there were hundreds of students and he had a lot of other responsibilities. I don’t know how he did it (I think he is still there over 30 years later). Surely with far fewer students and a… Read more »

here's an idea
May 23, 2018 10:20 am

It’s time to create a website where hosts can post available spots for boys or girls and the students can reserve a spot at their table. Similar to http://www.opentable.com, but for individual hosts, not restaurants.

Yup, Been there...
May 23, 2018 10:13 am

As a bochur.
Excellent point that needs to be repeated over and over again, as well as each school should email every student and parent as well.
BE”H our daughter will be going to BR, next year, into the 9th grade, and will be coming home for Shabbos, and we will encourage her to bring guests home.

to #63
May 23, 2018 10:13 am

I think you’re missing the point. Of course everyone can’t host every week, and there are absolutely valid reasons not to. But in a community the size of Crown Heights, there are enough families that everyone can have time off hosting (or never host if they don’t want to) and STILL no one should be without a place for Shabbos. There are so many people here!

Would love to host
May 23, 2018 10:11 am

We have a 9th grade daughter so the situation mentioned in the article is perfect.

We’ve been looking for these opportunities for a while but really don’t know how to make it happen.

My email is nmichalowsky (at google mail).

Naftali Michalowsky
Crown Street between Troy and Schen

As a Dorm Counselor
May 23, 2018 10:02 am

As a (Toronto) DC It was our responsibility to find meals for the girls that were in the dorm. When there are 20+ girls and you have to find meals for both friday night and shabbos day it can get really hard. We had a list of families in the community that were open to hosting High school girls for shabbos meals. That is something that can definitely be done in our community here in Crown Heights. Like you said, the families here in Crown Heights are most hospitable and welcoming!!! This is something the schools should be organizing for… Read more »

Another solution
May 23, 2018 9:58 am

I remember years ago i would call rabbi kastel at tzeirei agudas chabad to get places for people who i would bring to crown hts for shabbos. They had a list of families who would sign up with them as wanting shabbas guests. I know how being alone shabbat can make you cry and not want to bother with kiddush and a seudah. Now i found hardly anyone signs up with rabbi kastel anymore as wanting guests. In israel in seminary years ago the girls all teamed up in helping prepare for shabbos . Thats how i learned to make… Read more »

post-sem can relate to!
May 23, 2018 9:53 am

Leah, your words sound like ones coming from the heart, filled with pain, emotion and also maturity. You are definitely not alone in this constant-basis experience, sadly so, and even seminary age and post-seminary girls feel just the same way! I have been living here in CH for 4 years now and go through the same thing, and start thinking and worrying about my Shabbos meals from Sunday and on. I try to arrange as best as I could with my roommates, etc, but it is still tough, and if it doesn’t work out, I too will end up eating… Read more »

out of towner
May 23, 2018 9:45 am

As an out of towner who attended seminary in CH and knows how meaningful it was to get shabbos invitations , I now live in CH and have an open home ( in my case its for boys as i have older boys) and have lots of single guys who know they can come eat whenever they want , no invitation necessary. I alwasy make sure to have enough food in case extra people come ( and they alwasy do)

Hosting
May 23, 2018 9:30 am

A few points about hosting: 1. Hosting is a Mitzvah, but it’s also a personality Not everyone likes hosting. Very social people love it and can’t imagine a Shabbos without guests, while more reserved people find it extremely difficult or impossible. The idea of having to entertain and socialize with guests gives them nightmares. 2. There are private reasons There are many reasons why families may be unable to host. Sometimes a family can be going through a rough patch financially, emotionally or mentally. When a family is going through this, it’s impossible to have guests over. There are other… Read more »

Hosting family
May 23, 2018 9:15 am

Would love to host
Please ask school to send out an email so that we can sign up
As a hosting family
We are available any week someone wants to come

Heard this before
May 23, 2018 9:13 am

This is not the first time that I have read a similar plea on a CH website. One of the key factors for young boys and girls who come to CH to learn is to have a strong social network. i fail to understand why in a community as organized as Ch is about every other chesed need this has not yet been addressed. Surly setting up an app where boys and girls can post that they would like to be hosted and then the families who are willing and happy to host can respond. Dealing with the loneliness of… Read more »

a reason why
May 23, 2018 9:06 am

Families can be overwhelmed with working, taking care of the kids and making Shabbos and it can be easy to forget others are in need, or sometimes Shabbos is too tiring to have guests. I’m not giving people excuses but just saying some well-meaning people might be overwhelmed.

I am super, super angry and upset
May 23, 2018 9:00 am

I am furious hearing about this. It is VERY stressful to invite oneself out for Shabbos meals. Many years ago Machon Chana matched the girls up with families every Shabbos, and those girls were older. Yeshiva Chanoch Lenaar, called families EVERY week to ask if they could host bochurim.

HANHALA – DO YOUR JOB!!!!!!! Where are YOU? Call families to get a list of families that can regularly host, and call those families!

It is heartbreaking to hear this poor girl crying out like this!

A nebby out of towner speaks
May 23, 2018 9:00 am

Some people are socially awkward. It’s just the reality of life. Some are working on it. Some aren’t. But even if they aren’t the biggest social butterfly they still need a decent Shabbos meal. I was super socially awkward in high school, and I would wait from Motzei Shabbos to Thursday night hoping and praying for a Shabbos invitation. They never came, and every Thursday I would call the same family to ask if I could come. I’m sure they were annoyed that I called every week and that I waited until Thursday to reach out, and they probably didn’t… Read more »

ROSTER OF HOSTS
May 23, 2018 8:59 am

I remember a long time ago (and perhaps even now), the councellors had the responsbility to place the girls with hosts every Shabbos meal. The name was written up before Shabbos of which girl/s went to which host.
If the counsellors aren’t able to do this duty, due to time constraints or whatever – then the school should pay someone
just for that job. Hatzlacha to all and simcha.

Didnt realize this problem exists in CH
May 23, 2018 8:50 am

Our kids used to invite their friends and we always had a full Shabbos table. Now our kids and their friends are married so we often have an empty table. I would love to host but am not connected to bochurim or girls any more. We often remark how much we miss having guests. Someone in the hanhala should appoint someone to arrange meals for students. There must be easy ways to arrange this through whats app or even on a message board on collive.

It was the same for me
May 23, 2018 8:35 am

My parents got divorced and my mother never made a Friday night meal. I tried to get invited out, but it was very hard. I have bitter memories from that experience. My father moved away and so that wasn’t an option. I was bitter and distressed that in CH I couldn’t find a place to eat with a family on shabbos. I sympathize with the author and my heart breaks for her.

Used to be oot
May 23, 2018 8:30 am

I know just what the writer means…shabbos is tough if you aren’t outgoing enough to invite yourself. bh those years are behind me,but I do make a point to call ppl and give a direct invitation for a meal ( open invitations are not invitations!!)
Going forward and taking advantage of the tech world we live in: someone should make a shabbos invite app with one side being hosts seeking guests and the other, guests seeking hosts..I’m sure that would help smooth the process alot!

To all those who"love to host", from a bochur.
May 23, 2018 8:24 am

None of you have put in any information, an address, a phone number. Nothing.
I love to host also when I don’t have to actually host.
Maybe someone step up and give some info so that those who want could take up the opportunity.

Parent
May 23, 2018 8:18 am

# 25
It is a sad realty it should be the institutions responsibility just as they give other meals no one should have to starve after Mivtzoim

Same issue in Sem
May 23, 2018 8:12 am

When I was in seminary the school was expected to empty for sukkos but I had no family in Israel no money to go back to the states and they turned power off to most of the building as welll as shut off the kitchen. I was the only American left behind with a hand full of Israelis who also had no where to go and I wondered what happened to ahavas Israel? Not everyone has family and it is very sad to be alone. I was so sad that was the loneliest sukkos of my life.

23 years ago ....
May 23, 2018 7:40 am

I was an out of town Bochur learning … then working …. I had friends and I made more freinds and was lucky to be invited out for shabbos …. I don’t remember a week that I spent alone …. I truly appreciate the effort that my hosts went to in inviting me and I will always be grateful and try and repay the kindness … thank you !!

Love to host
May 23, 2018 7:16 am

We love to host and the last thing we want to hear is a lack of communication got in the way of a win-win hosting-guesting! We love to host you. we did tell you that we love when you come, please feel free to come anytime. it’s hard to keep inviting since many weeks you tell us you’re taken. we don’t want to be pushy. we’d love for you to tell us when you would like to come over so we don’t have to keep guessing when you really want to come to us. we have other people invite themselves… Read more »

This could have been me writing the op-ed
May 23, 2018 6:52 am

When I was a bochur I had this exact same problem in Crown Heights, and it was actually persistent throughout the time I learned in Oholei Torah over a period of several years as well as when I was a post smicha 770 bochur. I too didn’t want to sound bitter, but at the end of the day, I didnt have any relatives in CH and for whatever array of reasons, my friends overlooked Shabbos meals as an aspect of my Shabbos which was very important to me but one that I struggled to solve. I don’t think there is… Read more »

# 6 wrote it perfectly
May 23, 2018 6:44 am

Exactly the way I feel, giving an open invitation, makes me feel like a groveling shnorrer, because I feel like I have to ask before coming over anyway. It is much nicer to get a direct personal invitation. But being I am an older man, I probably do not deserve that kind of attention, but I guess the high school age probably do deserve it, especially children of shluchim!!!

So sad
May 23, 2018 6:43 am

Maybe the principles should make sure the out of owners are taken care of. This should never happen

Parents???
May 23, 2018 6:19 am

When I went away to high school my parents helped me to find Shabbos meals by our relatives and family friends. They did the calling too. A 14, 15, 16 year old is still a child, and no child should be expected to leave home so young and have to fend for themselves including finding meals week after week.

agree 100%
May 23, 2018 4:47 am

the hardest part of being an out of towner is shabbos meals. intowners, please, invite!

Dorm Counsellors
May 23, 2018 4:06 am

I was a dorm counsellor at machon chanah and one of the jobs was to set up shabbos meals. Who is running the dorm? It doesnt sound like it’s being run properly. The school principles need to make sure this is organised. Please don’t let one more Shabbos go by without this being set up properly.

Make a site
May 23, 2018 4:01 am

Make a matching app or site. Would be popular worldwide. School, please speak to her class. Thanks.

shabbos family
May 23, 2018 2:47 am

I grew up in Crown heights and we were a “Shabbos home’ for an out of towner. This situation must be rectified immediately! This should never happen again!

Standing with you!
May 23, 2018 2:15 am

No one deserves to be lonely. We all stand with you Leah! We just need to keep on sharing our feelings so others can stand with us and help when needed!

Organize!
May 23, 2018 2:12 am

I think this issue is the responsibility of the school leaders, a committee, those who may be overseeing the protocol and evaluating ongoing needs of the educational system. It’s surprising to me that a plan is not already in place!

reminder
May 23, 2018 2:02 am

While this is really heartbreaking, and some of us would love to host, the out of towners are here for another few weeks. Please remind us at the start of next school year again.

Bochurim too
May 23, 2018 1:54 am

For bochurim people take for granted that they will figure out their Shabbos day meal, Sorry to say they don’t have where to eat please look out for them.

P.s. This’s true for the married couples as well, lots of them don’t have family in CH and would love to be invited out.

Not only in CH
May 23, 2018 1:51 am

Our children have been away for years and rarely have been invited. Sunday is a lonely day too. It would be nice to know that the school plays a role and organizes something behind the scenes so that out of towners don’t feel so lonely.

To #6, and Parents
May 23, 2018 1:43 am

Call your friends and relatives periodically and ask them to invite your child. Give them your child’s number. Yes, in an ideal school system the Mechanech/et or dorm counselor would quietly go about finding invitations for out of towners, but there are flaws in the system. Hopefully, they will take some of these good commenter suggestions to heart/action. On the flip side, I have a policy with niece’s/nephews whether newlywed or students. After being turned down (for any reason) 3x, let me know when you do want to come. They know they are wanted and my kids love when they… Read more »

My experience
May 23, 2018 1:37 am

After years of this I no longer keep shabbos. How many lonely hours can I spend at home, all the lonelier because everyone else is together. At some point I just stopped.

So many feel this way!
May 23, 2018 1:35 am

As an older single, I’ve become comfortable staying home alone often, but it is still painful sometimes. Yes, I host too. But there’s something to be said for spending shabbos in the family atmosphere, especially after being alone all week. To me the issue is that it’s very hard to meet people in crown heights if you’re not part of the schools or seminaries and don’t have local family. Many of my friends have moved away, and I probably will too, but for now I’m here and my circle of people I know has really dwindled. I am also aware… Read more »

Social secretary
May 23, 2018 1:32 am

The seminary in Melbourne designated a couple of girls to the job of social secretary. Every week they match up girls with hosts. I think beis rivkah should implement this system.

This happened to me
May 23, 2018 1:30 am

In beis rivkah seminary. But not only was I miserable and alone, I later got into trouble from the hanhala for having not gone out. Um…were you offering to host me?

Moshe pipick
May 23, 2018 1:25 am

Should be job of school /dorm counselor/ mechaneches / teacher , to place the girls with families for every Shabbos meal that they need. They do this in many cities. The girls should not have to fend for themselves.

My granddaughter is in your place
May 23, 2018 1:06 am

She has an off Shabbos every other week (not in CH) I am always telling her, invite some of your OOT friends to stay, we have plenty of room & would love it. She says they don’t want to come. The year is almost over and she has never brought anyone with her.

There are always 2 sides to the coin, although my heart goes out to “Leah.” And honestly, where is the school? Don’t they see how their student is lonely?

Nothing has changed since my children were there 25 years ago.

Single girls renting
May 23, 2018 12:35 am

Please also think about the singles living in basements. They too would love to join families for meals. As there is nothing like being surrounded by nice families for a shabbos meal. You may think they have a place to go but it doesn’t hurt to ask. We would be grateful for the invite.

To # 7, 10, & 12
May 23, 2018 12:22 am

Excellent ideas, a little forethought & organization on the part of the schools & students would alleviate this problem completely. Well?

a source of inspiration
May 23, 2018 12:14 am

as much as we can do for the bochurim or the girls, its a true broche to have them at the table! they are fresh inspiration of Torah and chasidus and enhance the familly and guest shabos table!
in shlichus places specifically you can see clearly and treasure the value and the differnce of Torah students and other youth thier age
ashreinu!
we love when they say a vort too! so pls have in mind that thats a way to help your hosts invite you back, and have other bochurim or girls over more often!

related subject......erev shabos after mivtzoim....
May 23, 2018 12:09 am

a great time to show care and send food, (kugel eg) for hungry bochurim, is after mivtzoim friday afternoon! perhaps for out of town sem girls too, who spend the afternoon on mivtzoim! many yeshives have hardly any lunch and on a long friday many bochurim come back just b4 shabos, starving. (its also a way, perhaps, to participate somehow in the mivtzoim!)

A 9th grader
May 23, 2018 12:04 am

This is a very important issue and it should be resolved, but it has to be both sides. We all have no problem inviting guests and making out of towners feel at home, but we don’t know when works for you… Girls need to put themselves a bit more out and ask. You’re not a “nebach case” if you do so but you’re and actual normal out of towner. Whoever wrote this article needs to think and say did I ask or am I just talking, because talking and writing gets nowhere.

lots of comments yet no invite!
May 22, 2018 11:55 pm

common CH rs post a comment that ur calling the schools with your invitations and addresses !

I feel you
May 22, 2018 11:51 pm

This is the exact same for me. I grew up on shluchos and came to CH for school and every week this is exactly what happened and I have had many depressing meals myself. It is the ultimate stress over anything else. CH schools should arrange something so this doesn’t continue.

SOOO DISAPPOINTED TO HEAR THIS...
May 22, 2018 11:46 pm

This issue should NOT be an issue!!! When out of town/country students (whether in high school or Seminary or Yeshiva) move to study in a city away from home, it should be the RESPONSIBILITY OF THE INSTITUTION at which they study at to help find families to host these students for Shabbos & Yomtov Meals (even if they’re boarding at a family & not forming)! My daughter is presently completing her Seminary Year in Melbourne, & B”H, there’s never been a situation of any of the girls not being invited out for a Shabbos or Yomtov meal. I truly hope… Read more »

out of town mom
May 22, 2018 11:37 pm

I was once a sem girl with no relatives in CH. BH for some great roommates and friends who shlepped me to their relatives. Shabbos before my wedding, had no where to go, so a friend brought me to her grandparents. Now I am a mom of many who went to high school out of town. In other cities the school arranges homes, (yay, Toronto!) and all the host families in the community! Thank you to all the families and teachers in all the cities who hosted my children for many meals!! There are so many singles, high school, sem,… Read more »

An out of town classmate
May 22, 2018 11:33 pm

But would you really want to be invited to the home of a girl you don’t really know? Wouldn’t that make you feel even worse? Like a nebach, even? I know from personal experience that it’s super difficult to invite yourself over, it’s probably the hardest thing, but when girls do offer, but in that sappy sweet voice, I definitely feel like a nebach even more.

This was such an eye opener
May 22, 2018 11:29 pm

Thank you for this article. I am in-towner and I try to invite the out of towners when I remember but I’m not that great at it. This article really showed me the importance of it. Thank you for bringing this up and I’ll try to get better at inviting them.

What a loss
May 22, 2018 11:28 pm

I am.a CH today Was here as out of towner as a young girl and always ate by family but still not always comfortable When i married an out of towner we had no money but opened our homes to bochurim and as a young couple. It was beautiful and expensive…however today when i have bochurim bec we ha e soooo many out of town relatives i do not encourage that girls shud be invited. I do not approve of mingling!! Even cousins should not be overly mingling …it is not healthy…so those dear girls that are such good friends… Read more »

Many would love to host
May 22, 2018 11:11 pm

But need a way to be matched with those looking for a place

bochurim too
May 22, 2018 11:06 pm

bochurim too can get very very lonely! please invite them, they are special people and its a honor to host them by the shabbos table!

Remember those days...
May 22, 2018 11:06 pm

Was tough many years ago as I moved to CH as a 20 yr old. Still wished I was home surrounded by people who wanted me. But BH it was worth the unpleasantness because I met my husband BH and now I share my home with many.
Hope more people reach out to the young ones in need.

From a fellow classmate of yours
May 22, 2018 11:04 pm

Wow! And to think that most of us don’t even realize the problem that’s right before our eyes. Thank you for writing to let us know, since this is an issue that must be resolved. This was very brave of you, and this won’t be allowed to happen again!

Don’t have a daughter in high school
May 22, 2018 10:57 pm

Would love to host out of town high school girls on shabbos maybe the school can set something up where families who are happy to host can sign up to host My younger daughter would love it

To #1
May 22, 2018 10:51 pm

Yasher koach, we all needed that little laugh that brightened up this article😂😂😂😂

sign in sheet
May 22, 2018 10:51 pm

Maybe there should be a sheet up in class or in a hallway where people can sign when their families could host. This way families have notice so they have time to prep for guests and the people that are happy to host may not even realize this struggle is going on and will be aware with the sheet. This also takes care of the problem of asking. I am sure if the whole grade or class sees the sheet, between you going home for holidays and the remaining shabbosim you would actually be here the weeks would full up… Read more »

Same here
May 22, 2018 10:51 pm

Would love to get invited and not hear “oh ppl actually need meals?”

yes yes....
May 22, 2018 10:40 pm

i went thru a painfull yr of sem in the same situation..,i cried myself a few Friday nights…but BH had the Rebbes farbrenguen once a month shabbos day that made it all worth it…………. i find that people in -CH are amaaazing, the hachnosas orchim unequal, just that its non stop for them, they have hardly any private time for thier own familly, and when now i ask for places for our mekurovim, or ourselves to stay,) a task i definatly dont enjoy ), they even apologize if they have no phisical space!!!, and most times very warmly offer meals.… Read more »

Yankel Todres
May 22, 2018 10:37 pm

B”H It sounds terrible, heartrending! This is something that the school principal (and teachers) should encourage all the students to participate in. All the girls should be asking their friends to eat with them on Shabbos and their parents to allow them to invite guests. Then the dorm mother too should have the weekly obligation to make sure that all the girls have places to be on Shabbos. I’m sure that Chassideshe families that already have girls at the table would be happy to be on a list that the dorm mother could call whenever needed to help care for… Read more »

100%
May 22, 2018 10:34 pm

The “come whenever you want” invite doesn’t work, people don’t like to invite themselves over.
If you actually want to be nice to someone it needs to be a specific invite.
Unless you are just wanting to feel that your a good person, or family member, then you can say come whenever you want

Sorry to hear
May 22, 2018 10:29 pm

I am really sorry to hear that and I can only imagine how big a mesiras nefesh it is to be a Shlucha.
All the best.
Moshiah now

I can relate!
May 22, 2018 10:27 pm

I am a high school girl that has experienced the same thing! Shabbos away from home is hard, especially when you dont feel wanted.

not only girls, not only 9th grade
May 22, 2018 10:26 pm

This problem applies to bochrim of all ages too. Everyone prefers sitting at a normal Shabbos table over a yeshiva dining room. It’s not just about the food. It’s about the atmosphere. Yeshiva food can be good. At times it’s better than what you’ll be offered at people ‘s houses. But eating your meal in 15 minutes isn’t the same as a two hour shabbos meal. It’s not as if every Friday night is of the type that makes you cry. Sometimes you can sit and schmooze for a long time. But there are plenty of times it’s really not… Read more »

Leah
May 22, 2018 10:23 pm

You’ve said what so many girls feel!
Hope people get the message!!

Not just girls
May 22, 2018 10:23 pm

Bochurim too have this issue. Although bochurim have an easier time handling it and can eat in 770 or an ufruf Shabbos day, for Shabbos night they really need a meal. Oh, if you’re inviting girls or have girls around that age, please don’t invite bochurim to those meals.

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