By Rabbi Yitzy Hurwitz
After giving this advice to a choson (a groom), I showed it to a few of my wife’s friends. Their response was unanimous. “Would you share this with my husband?”
So in honor of Tu b’Av I am sharing it in the hope that it will help. Here are a few small and easy things that will make your life better:
1) When she does or says something hurtful –which will happen– just forget what she said or did. Women get emotional and irrational. On the other hand, she will never forget anything you do “wrong.”
2) Before you criticize her, ask yourself how much it really matters in the long run. Perhaps you better off letting things slide…
3) Be ready and happy to go to counseling – even, and especially in the first year. You will be grateful if you do. Better deal with a small issue now and learn to get along, than a huge unfixable problem later. Simply put: What makes sense to you, sounds silly to her and vice versa. Because women think in a totally different way. Counseling will help.
4) Find ways to make her laugh every day. Women think too much and they need a rest from their brain chatter. Laughter gives them rest from it. She will appreciate it. It doesn’t matter, even small funny things.
5) Never raise your voice. It affects women with an instinct to be afraid, flee and protect. You will have a hard time getting back to normalcy.
You might not realize that among men we raise our voice a lot. It’s hard to change gears. We yell to make a point. Women only yell if they are angry. When your voice goes up, they register “he is angry at me.”
6) Compliment her every day. Find things to compliment. It could be something she did. Something she is wearing. Let her know that you notice and value her.
7) Buy her flowers. Flowers say a lot. It says I like you. It says I am thinking of you. It says I appreciate you. It says you are beautiful to me. It says you are a princess that deserves pretty things.
It says “although I’m a guy and flowers that will die in a week are the biggest waste of money and makes absolutely no sense, you are still more than worth it to me.”
If you are low on cash buy one flower or, even better, pick some wild flowers.
8) Ignore statements such as “you don’t have to buy me a gift for my birthday.” Buy her a gift.
9) Treat her with respect. Do chivalrous things. Open the door for her. Help her on with her coat. Help her into her seat. Bring her tea in a pretty cup and sit with her and listen. Let her feel taken care of. Make her feel like a princess. Every woman wants to feel like a princess. Of course you won’t be able to do it all the time, but do it often enough that she knows.
10) When she gets dressed nicely, take a moment and notice and tell her how pretty she looks. She spent a lot of time and energy getting dressed. Let her know that you appreciate her. Learn these words…
Try to use the right term.
This is by no means finished. I hope to continue with more. Hope it brings a positive change to your marriage.
Happy Tu b’Av.