By E.K.
“I miss Mommy,” my 9-year-old daughter told me during her weekend with me.
“It’s okay to miss Mommy,” I replied gently, stroking her hair.
She looked like she wanted to cry.
“It’s okay to cry,” I told her. “It’s okay to cry when you miss Mommy.”
She began to cry, and I held her close.
“Mommy loves you just the same when she’s not with you,” I reassured her. She cried harder at that.
“What will help you feel loved?” I asked. “Do you want to call Mommy? Will that help you feel her love?” She shook her head and cried even harder.
“What’s the matter?” I asked softly. “Don’t you think Mommy loves you?”
She lifted her shoulders and kept crying intensely.
“Wait – do you think Mommy doesn’t love you?”
She nodded through her sobs.
“Why do you think Mommy doesn’t love you?” I asked.
Through gasps of breath, still crying hard, she managed to get out the words:
“She ignores you… she hates you… So what about me?”
—
Of course, your children may not feel this way. Your kids might know you are their loving single mom or dad, and they may understand that you only divorced your spouse because of circumstances they can accept.
But there are so many children who do feel this way. And what one child finds the courage to say aloud, a thousand others may be silently carrying in their hearts.
This is what we are doing to our children through divorce.
And while it’s true that a child not embraced by their village may burn it down to feel its warmth, it is far more common that they will seek love elsewhere, from whoever will offer it to them.
No one should know what it feels like to be unloved. That pain cuts deep, leaving scars lasting for years or even decades. For too many children of divorce, this is their daily reality.
If a child learns, “if parents fight, they divorce,” then what hope do they carry for their own future relationships, which will inevitably include conflict? They begin to expect instability, to assume that love is unreliable, and they grow up without the security of feeling supported.
We must begin to encourage conflict resolution instead of divorce. In practice, when we hear that a couple is separating or planning to divorce, instead of asking the common question, “What about the gett?” let us ask: “What about counseling?” or “Who was the marriage counselor?” This way, ineffective counselors will naturally be avoided, and the good ones – whose work helps couples heal – will be sought out.
And to parents who are already separated or divorced: please, love your children more than you hate your spouse. It is incredibly hard. Please do not do it alone. Ask your friends, family, and community to help you with tools to bear the burden of dealing with your ex-spouse – without shutting them out of your children’s lives, and without hurting your children in the process.
If “…The entire Torah was given only to bring peace into the world…”, and “…The [very] name of Hashem is Peace…”, let us work for peace, and Hashem will come and help us with what we cannot do.
Dear friend, your article is gut wrenching.The sad reality is that help is affordable and unnacessible to many. Rarely can you find even ne therapist who will blurt out some advice pro bono. I am no Rav and understand that every one needs to make a living however perhaps we can encourage therapists to give “maaser” of their time to help some one in need. Sadly you are right, it became about the ghett rather than,” What can we fix.”
In the first instance, it should be harder to get married and easier to get divorced.
If c’v there is a need to get divorced, counselors should be at the ready. There are countless Jewish organisation that help those in various situations of need… from free school uniform to friendship circle and beyond…so why not save the children of tomorrow by investing in free access to marriage counselling to those in need.
https://chafetzchayim.org/wp-content/single/SeferGederOlam_2020-07-01_03-36-49/SeferGederOlam_2020-07-01_03-36-49.html
yes, there are organizations that provide free counseling, like Chai Lifeline. I’m sure there are more.
Many therapists offer discounts, if you ask for it.
The author confuses me. First, he accuses his ex of being hateful in front of their innocent child. But he then suggests that he wants to stay married to her! If his accusations are true, why would he want to stay married??
Also, think his ex read the article?
Just like every marriage is different so is every divorce. Alot of divorced are going to be triggered now reading the article and comments.
What I thought might be an article about co-parenting, communication, and respecting your child’s other parent in a way that will not degrade them to the child instead turned into a sanctimonious piece “don’t get divorced get help”. No one is throwing their marriage away with the disposable plates, ESPECIALLY if there are kids in the picture. Yes they tried therapy Yes they spoke to a rav Yes the gett is important No saying “did you try therapy” is not helpful. And like a previous comment said, make therapy more affordable and accessible, that will definitely help more couples. This… Read more »
People think that after discovering, the problems disappear.
The road is paved with pretty roses . Little do you know , the problems amplify.
not getting the intended take-away from this post. make sure to not forget the kids while going through a divorce? don’t ever get divorced? make sure there’s counseling for all parties?
Or create a list of successful expert and Skilled marriage therapists? It is so costly not only for each session, but for trying out “therapists” that really shouldn’t be therapists. What a Mitzvah it would be if someone could create a list (I’m aware of Mikvah.orgs list and relief organization who can be helpful) but there are those that are not taking new clients or are not necessarily licensed in the state a client lives in. If only there were more solutions!!
Best point in the article is to know which therapist to stay away from. I believe a well known Lub therapist helped “nail the coffin” in a relative’s divorce. BH both single Mom and Dad agree to raise their children with a love for the other. Hopefully, that will continue when they each be’H remarry.
Good luck to you! You sound like a wonderful single Dad.
Thank you to express yours, let me hear the sound of your other too.
The child sadly was from the part of the Third ONE, barouch shmo.
There’s so much emphasis on single parents being brought to the identify of the children, when is more relevant that we highlight and force those single parents to ensure every child has a positive open relationship with both parents
What world do you live in? Taliban controlled? We don’t FORCE anything in relationships. Post divorce counseling should be as accepted as pre divorce counseling, though. Conflict can get worse then. And both parents should get closer to the children, absolutely. (Dont ask me how I know. I wish to be anonymous here) Parental alienation/estrangement often happens after the divorce, tragically.
I totally agree I think the biggest issue is the resentment held by one parent who plays games lies and shows the kids instability it sets them up for disaster
Instead of giving full custody to one parent we should be asking ourselves which parent shows more stability
As someone whose husband is withholding a Gett to gain leverage, this is very upsetting to read. The children’s emotional well being is top priority but it cannot be focused on if the husband is withholding a Gett- he is actively putting his whole family through trauma. You can’t begin the healing process is you are being held hostage. This article is written by someone who clearly does not see the consequences of their own actions…
Has a gett been given and received is a crucial question. It’s a part of everything. Awareness: Google “aguna asifa” and watch things all the way through. “What about the gett?” is crucial for women and do be aware, as is graciously acknowledged in the aguna asifa, that sometimes it’s the men who are suffering if the woman’s side has a warped perspective and a lot of resources to place conditions on the settlements and receiving the gett. Maybe the title of the article was a mistake.
Perhaps the answer is better preparation before the wedding. There should be prep classes for both Chosson and kallah where important issues should be discussed.
This is a very sad situation. Some are struggling with marriage. And suffering through life for exactly this reason. What will be with the children? For some, it is actually more important to get out of the marriage, even though its a very difficult thing to do. And so painful. It is the right thing to do, for themselves And for their children. Stressing that point of “for the sake of the children… ” is always considered. And when someone finally gets the courage and is getting divorced, that’s when others get involved and start saying these things, then it… Read more »
As a postscript, a plea to divorced parents: PLEASE don’t engage in parental alienation. Even if you think your spouse is the worst person to walk the earth, don’t do it. If you do, you will destroy your child.
Parental alienation is the main reason children become damaged. It’s not the gett, it’s the narcissistic actions of one parent who doesn’t care about the children as long as she gets her way. As mentioned in one of the posts above there is a Lubavitcher “therapist” without any minimum degree in psychology who is the cause of parental alienation in our Shchunah.
Some claim parental alienation when theyre the ones alienating their kids. There are so many laws in place when it comes to parental custody and if anything, abusive fathers have more rights than the kids who are victims.
It usually happens surreptitiously rather than an outright plan to disrupt the relationship. The alienating parent shows their distain for the other parent with ways other than directly telling the child to avoid that parent.
Baruch hashem more awareness about parental alienation
Please, if you are going to get divorced, do not alienate the kids from their other parent. And stop saying that the kids are making those decisions. You know it’s not true.
Years down the road, the community knows the truth. Parental alienation most often is caused by the other parent. In the long run, it doesn’t serve you well.
If you need to divorce, do so, but there are ways to divorce
2 wrong people married the wrong person in the first place.
their are some in the community that push getting a gett before help because it will show that they are doing something!
Yes, destructive to the children. Well known. It can also destroy the kids ABILITY to do the mitzvah ‘kibud av v’eim’, especially when 1 parent is bad mouthed. Being the ‘targeted’ parent and recipient of ‘family scapegoat abuse’ is torture. Why aren’t Saba/Savta invited to the Simchas?? It’s one case when sibling achdus is a criminally cruel move.
I am aware of a family that community activists used the kids against their parents to destroy the family,ultimately resulting in a gett!
I’m sorry that you didn’t realize to get to therapy before you divorced. It sounds like you can still use more therapy now. Post divorce therapy is also important, even if your goals are different. Some therapists are actually really good at what they do, however if someone from the couple has a situation, they may be unchangeable, and in the end it will still lead to divorce. I once had a phenomenal therapist. He really was. However the spouse needs to WANT to change and agree to commit to the sessions and not drop them after 2 or 3… Read more »
I can not tell you the pain. It is the worst thing you can ever experience. I’m already over 30 years old and I still feel the pain. Do not get divorced if you can. It should be the last last last resort after year of trying to make things work. You can make a change in a marriage but after divorce it is nearly impossible to ever fix it. The parents will most likely hate each other forever after. For a child it is the worst feeling on earth.
Sometimes divorce is necessary. Sometimes can be avoided. In general the time we hear about a separation it’s almost too late. Many struggling financially and can’t afford necessary help. Since divorce is becoming so much more common maybe it’s time for communities to provide free therapy with professionals rather then toxic so call professionals. Look at there track records. The new feminist entitlement movement has creeped into the frum world. By speaking out and preventing this common problem all the frum communities are being challenged with. Can save marriages. Lots of marriages are miserable and children growing up and dysfunctional… Read more »
All kids need to be reassured they are loved including those in divorced homes,large families,facing mental challenges ,facing illness and other life stressor etc. Seems as if the parent is banking on daughter’s insecurity instead of reassuring her she is loved. Very sad! Tell her she is loved! Yes kids in divorced homes may think its their fault . Tell her it has nothing to do with her. Dont feed into her insecurities
At first, I was impressed by this fathers emotionally present article. But I can’t ignore that its on a website with 80k views or st. Posting this kind of personal information is rather alarming. Its written in a way where your ex will get the message, be hurt and also embarrassed that although anonymous, this situation was publicly aired. Also, it puts the ex in a very ugly light, and you in a wonderful and perfect light. That could be a reason the divorce happened in the first place – blaming and a version of gas lighting. You also know… Read more »
There has been more awareness in recent years to all sorts of difficult situations , for example in the mental health field. Many places announcing that “there is help available” , and that you’re not alone “. Marriage issues should also be one of those. And yes, open classes, discussions, and education on this, would go a long way to make things better! With the help of Hashem!!
Some so-called therapists can worsen the situation. To them it’s business as usual. I don’t know how many of them know the scarce of the Jewish home , not to mention the problems that the children endure.
B”H I do not believe that this writer is telling the truth. A beis din these days will not grant a divorce to a couple with a minor child without proof that the couple has had counseling. It is unheard of that either member of a divorced couple with underage children never asked themselves, before divorcing, “What about counseling?” And the beis din ravs will always ask, “Who was your marriage counselor?” This is so sad, that a work of fiction appears here. Never draw conclusions about someone else’s marriage until you have been them. And being them is impossible,… Read more »
Many BD’s will do a divorce from start to finish within an hour.
Ask around.
What planet are you living on?
A beis din will generally only do a quick divorce (only dissolving the marriage; with property settlements to be a part of the secular divorce process) if:
1) All of the children are no longer minors and are emancipated (self-supporting) — therefore custody, child support money, and visitation are irrelevant;
AND
2) Both partners want the divorce.
I am a father of 7 children. when i divorced 28 years ago…my children were young…it was very difficult for me. The great blessing is that my ex never told the children anything negative about me. and I tried my best to avoid the matter with my children. at that time i made a decision to move away from my children to another country. it was very painful for me. but in the end all worked out. My children began coming to me one at a time and i had the chance to bond deeply with each despite the divorce.… Read more »
people nowadays have a mindset that they need to divorce for every little argument. “look, this is whats happening nowadays”..