Saturday, 25 Av, 5780
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A Thank You to the Guys

Response to "Dear Chabad Bochur": A 24 year-old single girl defends all the single bochurim out there and has a special thank you to make. Full Story

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December 15, 2011 11:42 pm

What a beautiful girl! The man who marrys her will be one lucky guy…
I have yet to see someone like you who actually shows appreciation for all of the money spent paying for gas, parking, food etc. and trying to make convo etc. just to get turned down…
Kol Hakavod! You rock!

September 23, 2011 12:35 am

i cant believ i just read this. its soo true iv been rejected so many times for such small stupid things and i always thought to myself this girl does not know what she wants thank god she rejected me and i didnt have to waste my time and money on her!!

No Bashert and Story on Yevamos 45A
September 13, 2011 12:44 am

I think in general there is a misconception in regards to Bashert. This is predominantly spewed by our wonderful mechanchim/mechanchos. Less mature guys/gals have a notion that irregardless of their effort, somehow magically they will meet their Bashert. Once one actually studies the sugiya, they will see that having a Bashert is not a simple concept. Yes, the gemara Sotah 2A says that one’s first match is made in heaven. However, clearly the gemara in Moad Katan (18B) says that that one may win/lose a potential through davening (this is even applies to “zivug rishon”, see Tosafos sanhedrin 22A) In… Read more »

September 12, 2011 6:01 pm

any shadchan email me at [email protected]

September 12, 2011 12:39 pm

i mean email [email protected]


to Bal tshuva
September 12, 2011 11:51 am

to bal tshuva ,comment #72

I feel your pain. Although I am now married now for almost 23 years, I remember shaddchannim labeling me and sending me out with certain types because I was a B.T.
You did not say your age, but I may know some girls for you. Please send me your profile if you are interested in widening your shidduch arena.
[email protected]

The issue
September 12, 2011 9:34 am

The issue is that shidduch dating isn’t just dating. it’s a train ride that starts at “meeting” then “dating” then possibly ends at “marriage”. Each decision along the way becomes more stressful. Just because I met someone does that mean I should continue dating? Just because I’m enjoying the dating does that mean we should get married?

That will inevitably lead to people staying on the train too long or getting off too soon.

September 12, 2011 2:49 am

It seems like it is really difficult for singles to know what they want and who they are and to be ready to make a commitment and move on with their lives. It’s painful. Any ideas what this is about or how it can be helped? Someone mentioned that parents should have taught this. Could they be more specific? Most parent I know have put a lot of energy into developing and trying to guide their children (as well as looking for shidduchim for them). I appreciate that shidduchim are a good learning experience but isn’t building a life and… Read more »

Thank you
September 12, 2011 2:10 am

Dear anonymous writer, thank you for giving a “thank you” and showing an appreciation on behalf of all the ungrateful girls that I have dated. It means a lot to me and makes up for all the time, money and energy I have put into this…& trust me the past 2.5 years have been really draining to say the least. I’m not from a “frum” background, certainly not a “loser” and in my pre-“frum” days I’ve never had a problem getting girls. I just can’t seem to get my head around the idea of “shidduch” dating. The sort of sterotypes… Read more »

No Bashert and Story on Yevamos 45A
September 12, 2011 1:58 am

I think in general there is a misconception in regards to Bashert. This is predominantly spewed by our wonderful mechanchim/mechanchos. Less mature guys/gals have a notion that irregardless of their effort, somehow magically they will meet their Bashert. Once one actually studies the sugiya, they will see that having a Bashert is not a simple concept. Yes, the gemara Sotah 2A says that one’s first match is made in heaven. However, clearly the gemara in Moad Katan (18B) says that that one may win/lose a potential through davening (this is even applies to “zivug rishon”, see Tosafos sanhedrin 22A) In… Read more »

to #9
September 12, 2011 12:58 am

on the button

To not a shadchan
September 11, 2011 11:34 pm

There is no need for you to have to defend your wise decision to no put all your info out there. Anyone that is asking you to do that is just looking for gossip. I’m sure that once someone emails you and you know that they are forthcoming they’ll know who you are. Just keep up the good work.

To 64
September 11, 2011 9:56 pm

If I knew that this website would be read only by normal and nice yidden, I would gladly post my full name and more information. Unfortunately, my background is in law, and I know that is not the case. Anyone can access this site. I would gladly communicate with anyone who contacts me, and I truly just want to help. So far, I have many many women contacting me and very few men. So to all the bochurs out there, here is a great opportunity. Email me at [email protected].

to number 63
September 11, 2011 9:05 pm

You dont have to give a reason!!! Do you really want to hear that: Hes/Shes just not attracted to her She/He has a funny smell She/he has a controlling mother/father Shes/hes talking to me like I’m her/his shrink – I dont want to know her issues She/he talks too much She/he uses curse words Shes/he boring Shes/hes lazy shes/hes a nerd.. She/he talks with a negative tone about people Shes/hes a ditz she/he is impatient she/he shockles weirdly when he/she talks etc. etc. It doesnt help to know WHY. and if I tell you why…you’re just going to try to… Read more »

September 11, 2011 7:37 pm

who says u must meet at expensive diners? why not meet at s1’s home? a park, hotel lobby or museum? how about public transportation?

Amen. I agree.
September 11, 2011 5:13 pm
to #49
September 11, 2011 2:05 pm

That is truly a wonderful chesed you will be doing for singles. Although ,why would anyone e-mail to you if you are unknown? Please post more info.

Another idea is that in several cities in the U.S. there are Shidduch groups of women who are familiar with the singles of their city……. Chicago , Miami, Los Angeles , Pittsurgh………….Why not give them a call

what could you have done??
September 11, 2011 12:32 pm

to #59.
I think it would ease the blow if you gave the shaddchan a reason why you did not want to continue! I think it is hard when you say no, not interested, but not a concrete clear reason why you are not moving forward.
I am just saying this from a mothers perspective watching my daughter date.

September 11, 2011 12:31 pm


Stop blind dating
September 11, 2011 12:30 pm

Let’s all pretend it’s not awkward to date our neighbors. If the air is filled with a certain vibe, it can set the mood for better or worse. Let’s make the first date a non-date; change it to a brief introduction. Once two people are properly introduced, they will be more comfortable going on a date together. Let’s not flirt on dates, so that it won’t be awkward when it’s over. Let’s network with our dates so when both parties are married with chldren they can do for one another (carpool, shabbos meals, kids playdates, etc) with ahavas yisroel, instead… Read more »

to 51 and anyone else interested in my help...
September 11, 2011 12:26 pm

Because this is an open website accessible to anyone who happens to read it, I prefer to explain who I am and what I do through a personal email. Email me at [email protected], you can even write inquiry as the header and I will be happy to email you back right away. I have quite a few people emailing me and I truly hope to help.

Dated someone and said no
September 11, 2011 10:21 am

Hi, I dated someone 4 times, after the first time I thought it was no but wasnt sure, so continued dating him, and than said no. I understand it is painful but what could I have done???

Thank you!
September 11, 2011 9:48 am

Very refreshing to read. Thank you for taking the time to write this!

to 52
September 11, 2011 9:29 am

I actually had a similar story with a girl I was dating, just it was for 2 weeks. Thank G-d we’re both married now (to our own respective spouses). She was confused as to whether I was the right one, so she (and her parents) just avoided the phone calls. That gave me the clarity to call the shadchan and say it’s over (I wish I had done so a few days earlier though). Once it was called off, she admitted that she just was to indecisive so she avoided the whole issue. The funny thing was she seemed like… Read more »

September 11, 2011 2:52 am

how refreshing to read an op ed from someone with a brain and more important – a heart

i wish the best of luck to the writer and anyone who ends up with her will be one lucky man

September 11, 2011 2:45 am

this is what every guy is looking for thank you :))

If only people would see the poison of "the Shechuna"
September 11, 2011 2:20 am

Common let`s be realistic if you live anywhere else in the world, you find your partner/shidduch etc. along the way either at 21 or 25, but if you live in NY your part of a global shidduch crisis!!!!!!
Get real, if you trust Hashem then your shidduch will come if your working in Skoki Illinois or Blackppool UK, you dont have to be the girl staring at all the bochrim on kingston for Hashem to feel sorry for you…
Oh and Comment 49 well done, proactive thats the wayy forward! plus he kinda shotgunned so good for him!

The Author
September 11, 2011 2:19 am

For those of you who asked about my contact info, you can reach me at [email protected].

Its not black and white
September 11, 2011 2:01 am

It’s really not black and white. The first article blamed all bochurim and the author came off as immature and “classless” (to quote an above commentator) and the second author is suddenly a saint because the boys do nothing wrong and must be appreciated for all their hard work in date planning, paying etc. It’s not black and white because it really depends on the situation. For the most part, people are decent and the boys I’ve dated have been mentches, but in all honesty, for the author of article #1 and for me, one boy really does have the… Read more »

to 49
September 11, 2011 1:43 am

Who are you? What is your name? I would be interested in emailing you but i’d like to know who you are first.

The Author
September 11, 2011 1:33 am

Thank you all so much for your positive feedback. Sending this in was not easy for me, but your comments reassure me that I did the right thing.

Looks like people need to get connected....
September 11, 2011 1:13 am

I am new to the shidduch/shadchan scene but I already have quite a few people emailing me. I started this after reading the comments from author’s first article. You can email me at [email protected] I will try to help you find your beshert. I met mine through the kindness and thoughtfulness of friends and acquaintances who cared enough to get involved. I simply want to give back and try to help. (PS: I don’t expect, nor do I want, any payment in any form whatsoever, I do this for the sake of the mitzvah alone). I do not want to… Read more »

to 26
September 11, 2011 12:58 am

Somehow u just don’t seem so happy to me. Happy people want others to be happy to and they display happiness, not bitterness.

its unfortunate
September 11, 2011 12:47 am

that there are so many young people (i’m young-28 only that i’m married for 5 1/2 years and have 4 children ka”h kein yirbu) who werent raised with the proper understanding about who they are and what they should want. not just as frumer yidden but as individuals. its time the parents start parenting properly. communicating with their child to help them understand themselves and others.

September 11, 2011 12:43 am

well said….there is no written rule or law when it comes to dating use your head,heart and of course you need help from the one above….i hope in the merit of opening your heart and touching other hearts…you will find your mate….hatzlocha..

To The Author :
September 11, 2011 12:40 am

I am a girl and I am very happy to call myself one after reading this article 🙂 You sound like you have such a good heart and good middos Im’Yh youll find your Bashert speedily.Amen!
Thank you so much for writing a peice that is not negative and blameful to Bochurim. Reading this article, had an amzing effect on me…. you have spoken for alot of girls out there, I know because you definitely spoke for me 🙂
Thank you

partially correct inmy opinion
September 11, 2011 12:38 am

Make no mistake there is sill a big problem in shidduchim all around.Many so called shadchanim are lazy & liars some others only want to deal with very select clientele. I am a older man divorced no children. I have spoken to no less than 5 shadchanim who are doing nothing for me. They all make excuses. I am not being very picky either. I have also spoken with friends who say they are having a hard time finding a shidduch for the same reason..the so called chabad shidduch sites are just as bad. At least 2 are only interested… Read more »

Keep these columns coming!
September 11, 2011 12:36 am

I’m an older bochur IYH stepping into the world of Shidduchim sometime in the next few months. These forums have been very informative and enlightening, being that these are topics which aren’t broached (at least not very clearly) in Yeshiva. Thanks COL for giving a forum for these obviously vital topics.

thank you!
September 11, 2011 12:31 am

When I saw this article I felt like you took the words right out of my mouth. I’ve always felt this way but was never able to find the right words. Thank you for such a well written article…you are not the only one that feels this way.

September 11, 2011 12:22 am

This is a link to a fantastic talk given by Mannis Friedman on the topic of shidduchim. Hopefully you gain clarity on the outlook one should have in regards to finding your zivug. I strongly reccomend listening to it.


Very Important
September 11, 2011 12:20 am

Many boys and girls don’t know what they are looking for or what to expect in a marriage, I think that articles on this subject are very important and that this site deserves a lot of credit for bringing this topic to the spotlight so that there is a lot of discussion which helps bring clarity to those who need it.

23 year old bochur
September 10, 2011 11:53 pm

Your welcome. And thank you for acknowledging this. this author has what the previous author lacked. its called class.
Lik ethis aothor said, its easy to point fingers and it makes you come off as bitter and low, especially in the ill mannered way it was done, thank you for showing us guys that there are still girls out there with good middos.

September 10, 2011 11:53 pm

Well written # 1. However, the shidduch game isn;t a learning experience! Read books, talk to family members and be honest with yourself, Am i ready to date? Can i be that mature adult and run a family, work if needed and be a companion for that future mate? a gut Voch

lucky you!
September 10, 2011 11:50 pm

not all girls are as lucky as you to have dated such nice guys. (not to say all guys are not nice, just saying your lucky)

i do hope that you tried to set these guys up with girls that may have suited them. Sadly none of the guys I have ever been out with I would ever pass along to a friend, but I’ve come across nice guys (at our shabbos table) and have set them up and some have been successful shidduchim.

It’s up to us to “fix the crises” by doing our part…

to #26
September 10, 2011 11:42 pm

It’s guys too… I cannot tell you how many first dates I have been on in the past few years that I have been dating. How can you be so sure that the girl isnt for you after extensive research and only a 3 hour date??

Well Said
September 10, 2011 11:32 pm

The author of this letter put things very well. I am under the impression though, that she has BH found her bashert, since I think when all girls do/should feel this way. However, to express it, usually means taking one’s mind and emotions out of her present situation – which for many of us it’s pretty hard. If I am mistaken, and she isn’t yet engaged, then kol hakovod, it’s the right attitude regardless!

Figured out
September 10, 2011 11:29 pm

B”H I was lucky enough to have a mashpia to help me with figuring out what I wanted and why I wasn’t happy with the bochurim I dated. To all of you, who have no idea who you are, thank you. To the very quiet one – thank you. My husband is very quiet also, and I might have turned him down had I not met you. To the very current one – thank you. I learned that I don’t really need that type of awareness of “velt.” Had I not met you, I might have thought I needed it.… Read more »

to number 26
September 10, 2011 11:27 pm

I don’t know.. got a very negative feeling reading ur comment.. you sound like you are still annoyed she said no to you and are vengefully happy she is still not married.

not nice.

September 10, 2011 11:20 pm

you go girl

Totally agree
September 10, 2011 11:16 pm

As a 20-something female who has dated a lot, I can really relate to what the author writes about. I too started dating WAY before I was ready for any commitment. The poor guys were (mostly) read to settle down and I could barely cope with the idea of marriage. That was unfair to them but I was still encouraged to date “just in case.” In retrospect, I don’t think that was the best choice. The bochurim who were ready for commitment were (mostly) mentchlich, good guys. The ones who were not, like me, managed to not be so sensitive.… Read more »

Single 25-year old girl
September 10, 2011 10:51 pm

Acceptance of responsibility and gratitude – impressive! Reading this article is like inhaling a deep breath of fresh air amidst all the smog out there. I’d like to address a point made in the previous article’s comments – about girls who go on three or four dates, smile and seem to have a good time, and then suddenly call the shidduch off. The writer of the comment, who’s probably been personally treated in such a manner, asked if this didn’t mean the girl was “a fake”, and had merely been pretending to enjoy herself. Since I’ve been that girl once… Read more »

September 10, 2011 10:34 pm

I’m very impressed with this article, it seems very realistic. The author mentioned about dating without “knowing yourself” saying “There is this notion out there that “once you meet him, you will know”. So why should I figure out what I need? I’ll just know when I see him.” There is an organization called AdaiAd that was formed just for this purpose with courses that help Bochurim and Girls to know what to expect before dating so they can have a more focused and productive dating experience. They are starting their second year and have had very satisfied graduates from… Read more »

September 10, 2011 10:24 pm


September 10, 2011 10:24 pm

I call myself “lucky” because following the jist of these articles since I’m married for so many years I’m certainly “lucky”. Please allow me to share from my experience: What I hear in the voice of the girl from the original article (depicting the Bochurim as bad in censitive beings…) is a young woman who after finally finding the right guy (“finally finding a “mentch” out there; or should I say Sucker) will spend a good part of the rest of her life making this guy “pay” for anything that doesn’t go exactly perfect in her life. You know, the… Read more »

September 10, 2011 10:13 pm

I am happy to see some girls admit to being a big part of the problem. My dating was for 4 years, I went out with a girl who said no after the first date, I am glad she did because we were very similar and I think would of worked out, but because she said no and did not even get me a chance, I dated the next girl who is now my wife and I could not be any happier. 5 Years later I am married with 3 children BH, and this girl still helplessly walks the streets… Read more »

Very impressed!
September 10, 2011 10:08 pm

Who’s this girl, she seems just for me.

to no. 19
September 10, 2011 9:43 pm

I like that line of yours. “Your gonna marry him, so make sure you like him”. I think that is how it used to be you married first and then you loved him/her. Yitzchak avinu and Rivka I suppose also had a loving relationship. The posuk relates that first he brought her into his tent and married her, then he loved her.

my thoughts exactly!
September 10, 2011 9:29 pm

im a single girl who also dates lots of bochurim, some not such positive experiences and I look back at with humor and some great positive experiences with mentchlich bochurim. There are a quite a few bochurim that I wish I could say thank you to, for teaching me something, for giving me what to think about.. I have had so many learning experiences from you. There is one particular bochur where we both mutually said no, but I had such a pleasant experience dating this boy that there are no hard feelings.. and he taught me so much, I… Read more »

Loving the Positivity
September 10, 2011 9:23 pm

You go girl! I agree with you. People often talk about a shidduch crisis and no good guys etc. I think there are good guys and in the right time, with Hashem’s help, a person will find the right one for herself. In the meantime instead of playing the blame game, see the positive side of things. People are trying to help you, even if they may be off with their suggestions and guys really are going out of their way for the girls they are dating. You brought up great points! Thanks for posting.

September 10, 2011 9:12 pm

This is so refreshing!
May hashem only act (openly) positive towards you.

as a 24 year old single bochur
September 10, 2011 8:55 pm

i really appreciate your article it gave me allot of encouragement

p.s. about that last article blaming bochurim i have one thing to say to that author . do you still want to marry a bochur?

dated for 5 yrs......
September 10, 2011 8:51 pm

didn’t have a clue what I was doing,who I was,what I wanted then my parents got involved and found the right guy for me and sent me out to take with the attitude that this is the guy ur ganna marry just make sure u like him. with that attitude I looked for the good in him( which of course there were loads as that’s what my parents went for) ….no ‘feelings’ later we got engaged…..16 yrs later and plenty of ‘feeling’ built over time I’m blissfully happy bh and so grateful to my wiser then me parents….. my point… Read more »

September 10, 2011 8:46 pm

may everyone learn from you…

28 & divorced
September 10, 2011 8:31 pm


September 10, 2011 8:30 pm

thank you for reminding me to stay on the positive side, I needed that.

September 10, 2011 8:04 pm

leah gansbourg is a very good shadchanis she made my two children shiduch!

this op-ed is right but as i posted b4 – u had to go to

Thumbs up
September 10, 2011 6:39 pm

Yasher Koach!

no coment??
September 10, 2011 6:25 pm

suprising for this chronical! it always has above 50 cts when I see it.

aniways, thnks for admitting our effort

September 10, 2011 5:51 pm
September 10, 2011 5:04 pm

Is this really an article necessary to publish?I’ve spoken to many married friends who are happily married and they have told me that they didn’t ‘have that feeling that he’s for me’ so don;t wait for that or trust and rely.

But on the bright side I do like your positivity

the solution to a lot of the heartache:
September 10, 2011 4:55 pm

take a shidduch coach, who will help you work out your vision,, set goals for every aspect of the dating process and get trained to date effectively. Often shadchaniot are coaches too, or they can refer you to one. Neshei newsletter may also be able to refer you to one.G-d bless

it takes two to tango!
September 10, 2011 4:36 pm
September 10, 2011 4:18 pm

Thank You

in one word
September 10, 2011 3:12 pm


“rented a car, paid for gas, paid for parking”

it’s look lick every time you want a good restaurant and you have no money for a taxi and for the meal. You ask the Shadchan to arrange you a date with some Fraier Bocher


Good luck.
September 10, 2011 1:52 pm
September 10, 2011 11:16 am

I applaud this gal who wrote the article for not settling. She could have accepted any one of the bochrim that she was set up with, due to society or family pressure. But, she did not. I hope you DO find the right bashert guy for you. Thanks for a sweet and sincere article.

September 10, 2011 5:51 am

What a sweet girl, I hope she finds her true bashert very soon iyH!

An interested Bocher
September 10, 2011 5:30 am

This girl has a heart and I don’t think that I need a picture in
this case.
The inside here is true beauty and anything else would just be
a big bonus. Please forward an email address or Shadchan’s
telephone #.

September 10, 2011 5:24 am

Wow that’s a first !! Well done 🙂

September 9, 2011 9:36 pm
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