By Sivan Rahav-Meir (translated by Yehoshua Siskin)
A very good friend of mine got engaged last night. After almost 20 years of searching for her soulmate, she found him at the age of 40.
Unlike myself, she is shy and did not want me to publish her name or a picture of her and her fiance. She did, however, agree to share some thoughts on her experience:
1. As the years pass, it is important to improve yourself, to move forward in life, not to just sit around and wait. Take advantage of the time you have to yourself to grow.
2. It’s necessary to be open to the suggestions and ideas of others. Even while thinking you know what is good for you, you can get stuck. Meanwhile, the years keep going by. Take to heart the saying of our sages that you should “acquire for yourself a friend.” It is worthwhile to listen to friends and family, to consult with them, to understand how people who love you see the bigger picture. They are on your side.
3. Prayers are answered, baruch Hashem. We are used to words of consolation and reassurance following disappointments and tragedies. But sometimes we forget that such commiseration is unnecessary when we see that our prayers can be answered, when our heart’s desire is finally fulfilled
4. And when it is meant to happen, it happens in the twinkling of an eye. The children of Israel were in Egypt for 210 years. Why couldn’t they have waited just a few more minutes for their dough to rise before leaving? Because when redemption comes, it arrives without a moment’s delay.
Mazal tov!
You made it! Baruch Hashem! The longer you waited the more Mazel tov you deserve!
Recommendation: for point #2 you can listen to others but ultimately you know what it’s best for you. Sometimes others push too hard and divorce happens later – so were they on your side after all?
I believe to trust your gut instinct. That does wonders and always guides you where you know you were meant to be!
Does it mean you were unsuccessful?
If you had children and you took part in the cycle of life you’re already a successful person vs those who were scared and end up lonely in old age home. And many times the couple stay in good terms and the kids end up building nice Jewish homes,
But a lot of recent marriages are scary and lonely WITHIN their marriage so would you rather handle it by yourself or be prisoner in your own marriage? I haven’t seen yet a couple stay on good terms – I see more partners for various reasons cant see themselves getting out and they end up suffering in silence. This is reality. Like I was told the best doctor is yourself more then any doctor out there. Only you know you!
Real marriage is hard. That means that there are times when one is lonely or their mental health is not perfect or they aren’t getting their needs met. It’s about using the good times to get through the tough times.
For the large majority of people, it’s worth sticking it out and working on yourself.
Is that your only definition of success? Being married and having children?
Looking back on life the answer is yes.
Even if unfortunately the marriage ends in divorce, it is not fair to say that the person/people involved were not on your side (unless there is pressure to complete the shidduch too soon). Things happen, etc, but don’t ever be discouraged from helping a friend
If I may add, mothers should be a little more open minded when it comes to suggestions for their sons. Many times they think they know their child but their child has been living out of the house for many years and has changed.
And not necessarily the son wants what the mother wants.
We have to remember that our children are getting married, not us
Mazel tov, mazel tov!!! May this kallah and her chatan have tremendous happiness and fulfillment!
The shidduch chapter of life is easy for some and so so so difficult for others. It’s so hard to be single and wait for the right one. Waiting is very difficult. Its even more difficult when there are others around you who believe you’re not doing enough, you’re picky, or you’re the problem for whatever other reason they decide.
I feel like for all those who never had a difficulty with shidduchim think that its the older singles fault. It so not!!!! Its Hashem who runs the world. Hashem who decides who to put into your life.
I’m 45 divorced 3 times but still looking. So thank you for this.
Bzh
male or female?
Please please for your own sake
Go to therapy to explore how this happened so that it can be avoided from happening once again
I don’t believe should look for a soul mate. That’s good for fantasy land.People have certain expectations and at 20 really believe in the fantasy type of marriage. Finding a good person. Who shares the same values or most of them can really end in a good match. People like you are not perfect either so a good fit needs both to try and meet the needs of the other- not a one way street. So no I don’t think anyone should look for some soul mate. Lots of people out there – just saying
You don’t have to live in a fantasy land, but you do have to be drawn to the person you marry, able to tolerate their flaws and foibles because you like having them around! You look forward to seeing them and telling them things at the end of the day. You brighten when they walk into a room. That makes that person your soul mate.