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Tuesday, 16 Tishri, 5780
  |  October 15, 2019

“What Shidduch Crisis?”

Chananya Weissman in the Jerusalem Post strongly objects to the pronouncement by 60 prominent rabbis that the main cause of the shidduch crisis is that "boys frequently prefer girls who are a few years younger." Full Story

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The rabbis are right
Guest
The rabbis are right

As someone who recently left the shidduch scene, I do not agree with the OP-ED. One of the causes of the shidduch crisis is that many boys refuse to date a girl their age or older. Let’s get the Lubavitch side of this: In tof-shin-mem (I believe the first sicha was on 17 sivan by the women’s convention), the Rebbe spoke for the first time about birth control. It was a revolutionary sicha because it was the first time the Rebbe spoke publicly about this. And in the year or two following this, the Rebbe spoke about it at almost… Read more »

Nothing new
Guest
Nothing new

The author is correct, the “shidduch crisis” has less to do with age & more to do with unrealistic expectations, inability to communicate, & a general indecisiveness amongst bochurim AND girls. I wish I, as a parent with some married & some approaching Shidduchim, could wave a magic wand & poof! The bashert is there. Unfortunately, there are so many variables that influence our kids (and their parents.) Parnassah is a greater consideration than age. If boys are not trained or willing to have a profession/work, many girls won’t consider them. Conversely, many girls ONLY want a learner, not an… Read more »

#2  - bulls eye
Guest
#2 - bulls eye

You explained it perfectly .

Do the math - the rabbis are correct
Guest
Do the math - the rabbis are correct

For the sake of making this simpler to understand, let’s assume that there are an even number of boys and girls being born. I have a set of 1 year old twins a boy and a girl. My daughter will get married in 19 years from now while my son will get married in 24 years from now. A year after each one marries my daughter gives birth to a girl and my son gives birth to a boy. 20 years after my daughter got married my granddaughter will be ready to get married while my grandson will be 15… Read more »

To # 2
Guest
To # 2

You make some valid points – however, you can’t ignore the simple fact that there are more eligible girls than eligible boys – that’s the crisis the rabbis are trying to address

#1 I agree
Guest
#1 I agree

I was going to say the same exact thing. I dont think it should be forced, but rather boys should come to the realization that it’s not end of the world to marry a girl the same age or older than they are. Its a cliche that the girl has to be younger and smaller-its time to break free from that. As a single girl, I want to thank you (#1) for bringing the point from a guys perspective-its one step in the right direction. #2 the working boys you have lined up that “no girl” wants-will any of them… Read more »

To #5
Guest
To #5

Then I suppose the technology that’s out there, as well as all those old wive’s tales, will ensure a more even split as parents choose their children’s gender. Problem solved!!

Rabbi's are right
Guest
Rabbi's are right

Sorry Op-ed, I agree with the Rabbi’s. Not that point you have brought up are not valid either, but a HUGE problem is the age gaps. It makes perfect sense. Perhaps you could entertaint he fact that both YOU and the RABBIS could be partially right.

My Story
Guest
My Story

I’m currently dating a girl who is a number of years younger than I am. We weren’t set up, we just met and decided to date when we realized that we felt the same way about the important things and age wasn’t an issue. I think there is a crisis but I have to make the choice that’s best for me that I can live with for the rest of my life. I’m not going to disillusion myself into thinking that I should solve the worlds problems with one decision to the detriment of my own happiness. The real way… Read more »

To comment 9 (Eli)
Guest
To comment 9 (Eli)

How do you suggest that to happen? In what way can “singles have more opportunity to meet their possible suitors” as you put it?

31 - remember me?
Guest
31 - remember me?

As much as I agree that the age factor does contribute to the crisis, it is not the only factor in this so-called crisis. It is a result of many different issues, as a few commenters have already expressed. Why should boys be expected to give up what they want and “settle” for an older girl? There is no problem dating an older girl (or a much younger one for that matter) if that’s ok with the individual. But if he feels that he would not be happy with such a decision, how can he be expected to compromise? And… Read more »

To 10
Guest
To 10

Here are some ideas…

1) Have a good speaker give a talk about a relevant issue
where both guys and girls are invited….

2) Have a Melava Malka with some type of entertainment
where both guys and girls are invited….

3) Have a shiur
where both guys and girls are invited….

I can give you some more ideas but I think you get the point.

~ Eli

to 12 (Eli)
Guest
to 12 (Eli)

basically mixed events…

wow
Guest
wow

this guy is just stupid and needs to defend himself. what he writes makes no sense and ignores all the facts.

To 13
Guest
To 13

I’m not talking about mixed dance parties etc and I’m not talking about social settings for 14 year olds. I’m talking about a normal social setting where those who need to meet someone can have a chance to meet someone.

to Eli
Guest
to Eli

with little plates of salad?

to 12 (Eli)
Guest
to 12 (Eli)

*meant to say Basically mixed events… And the issue with that is that it isn’t a boyfriend/girlfriend crisis the world is having… that’s easy to find… go to any CH street corner at simchas beis and you could clearly see Lubavitch is in no way lacking THOSE sort of relationships. It’s a SHIDDUCH crisis. People hang out at mixed events, exchange numbers, hook up… and they don’t, for the most part, create shidduch minded dating, but relationships, be it short term, long term or even those that end in eventual marriage, fun relationships that may over time turn serious. That’s… Read more »

Who should change marriage age, boys or girls?
Guest
Who should change marriage age, boys or girls?

Do the math and it is obvious that this is the main reason there are more girls then boys on the shiduch list. But 1 very important question: is the solution that girls should get married later (like its automatically happening because they don’t find shiduchim) or should boys start getting married later? Just my personal opinion: from my own experience and from speaking to friends (who were comfortable to share with me some private info) I am absolutely convinced that just because it’s the seder in our community that Buchurim get married at 23 -24 –it’s a disaster!! And… Read more »

to 17
Guest
to 17

You are missing the point of the shidduch crisis. Shidduch is a euphemism. The real crisis is that no one is getting married. So if there’s a solution…

to 19
Guest
to 19

Ambiguity isn’t a solution. And if you’ve already found the girl you’re gonna marry, you’re in a place to help with the crisis. Make it a point to look out for your friends.

# 18 - typing error
Guest
# 18 - typing error

Is the solution that girls should get married later – or should boys start getting married EARLIER?

to #2 and everyone else who wants to help
Guest
to #2 and everyone else who wants to help

I am a single Guy looking for shlichus girl with her head screwed on straight and knows what she wants, good looking from a good family and is frum.
To #2 please maybe give me your email address, i am a single guy who is looking for a shidduch. or anyone else here who can help.
The shadchanim are a disaster, they dont answer fone calls or return them, and so i have to rely on married friends who are sssssooooooooooo busy they dont have time to think about me etc….

To 17
Guest
To 17

I have to say that I agree with you on a lot of what you said.

That’s my point those that want to fool around will fool around regardless of the system. I’m disappointed that the system that’s been set up to stop those who are not serious has not been able to achieve that and the ones who lose out are those who want to play by the rules.

to 22
Guest
to 22

I think u killed it there with that mention of “good looking” as a requirement 😉

To #22
Guest
To #22

You might want to re-think and revise what it is you’re looking for…… ”I am a single Guy looking for shlichus girl with her head screwed on straight and knows what she wants, good looking from a good family and is frum.” Surely if she was a real Shlichus girl, you don’t have to say ‘frum’ also…….I mean I know there are a lot of Shluchim out there who shouldn’t call themselves Shluchim…..but seriously, don’t you think it’s a little weird to say you’re looking for a girl who wants to go on Shlichus, oh and btw she should be… Read more »

Mother of Boys
Guest
Mother of Boys

People growing up today in America (let’s also throw in Canada) have an easy life compared to the generations that married earlier and therefore need longer to mature. An “older” (ages 22 or 23 as opposed to 19 or 20) girl may be more emotionally ready to marry and therefore might be a better match even if the boy is a bit younger than she is.

to # 22
Guest
to # 22

You asked for appropriate things.

To Eli
Guest
To Eli

Notice that you said “I’m currently dating a girl….”
Dating is not the issue- we all go on dates- MARRIAGE is the goal.
Please get married and then give ideas on how to get there:)

the new facts
Guest
the new facts

going on Shlichus today doesnt neccessarily mean being frum.

Boys need to get marriad earlier
Guest
Boys need to get marriad earlier

The Gemara says that anyone over 20 years of age who is not marriad, is living every single day in sin. If that’s what was back then, surly today we are not any better.
Maybe the Yeshiva/Shlichus/Smicha/770/Kratzing/Job system needs to be changed.

I'm #2
Guest
I'm #2

To #22: I think I understand, but I must say, my eyebrows raised somewhat at the “good looking.” How do YOU define that? It will mean different things to different people. The late, great, much beloved Shimshon Stock A”H had a great way of putting these requirements in perspective. He’d shlep a guy over to a mirror & ask him if HE was so handsome. You have to realize, you probably think you’re extremely good looking, but maybe it’s PERSONALITY that will initially draw your bashert to you. Maybe your nose is a bit skewed, you have acne scars, you’re… Read more »

to 29
Guest
to 29

so true, but sad

To # 31
Guest
To # 31

OH SO TRUE!!! U HIT THE TARGET. WAKE UP PEOPLE !

bashert
Guest
bashert

doesnt hashem decree before a baby is born who will be his bashert i didnt know about him decreeing the age difference
bashert is bashert

CHABAD MATCH
Guest
CHABAD MATCH

JUST LOOK ON CHABAD MATCH THERE EXACTLY DOUBLE AMOUNT OF GIRLS AS BOYS .WE KEEP ON TALKING BUT LITTLE IS BEING DONNE .
WE WILL WATCH A GENERATION OF GIRLS GOING UNMARRIED?

shiduchim
Guest
shiduchim

from every city should be voluntiers who want to help
wake up YIDENS WE ARE WATCHING A MASS PROBLEM AND WE ARE JUST TALKING!!!!!!!!!

my prayer to hashem
Guest
my prayer to hashem

I will daven to hashem that five people that i know personaly should iyh find their bashert this year , and for all those who need,
i will post the good news on col!

answer to #38
Guest
answer to #38

Hamaase Hayikar
Prayer is good the girls and parents do a lot of that but are you activly helping??

to 34
Guest
to 34

Your post made me think of a question….should we be happy when someone intermarries since it’s “Bashert”?

TO 28
Guest
TO 28

WELL SAID!!!!!

voluntier to help   with shiduchim in your comunity
Guest
voluntier to help with shiduchim in your comunity

Even a Jewish child born this morning is a survivor — because according to Hitler’s plan, which tragically nearly succeeded, he or she was not meant to live.

each of us, like Noah, has a moral duty to rebuild the Jewish world.
the best way to do this by helping young people with their shiduchim.
please we need voluntiers, get involved , incourage people to register with chabadmatch or any other way
We are bulding the next generation

To  #  26
Guest
To # 26

well said i wish more mothers would understand this way!!!!!!!!!
a23-24 year old girl is very seriosly commited to make it work

in response to # 35
Guest
in response to # 35

With regard to Chabad Match, its not because there are fewer boys, its because fewer are being listed. I think people should list there so that if a name comes up, this is one place that those who are responsible can find out about the person. It has been very helpful to me.

Mother of Boys
Guest
Mother of Boys

I have found that sometimes these really young girls are just out with for a good time. The whole thing is their mother’s idea and they have no intention of marrying the boy. To them it is a game and a joke and if a boy really wants to get married, he should avoid that age range. What kind of a mother does a young woman make when she really still wants to be a kid? Look at the divorce rate. Often it is the very young who marry before they are ready who get divorced. So #42, lets get… Read more »

are you asking  your  married kids   for ideas?
Guest
are you asking your married kids for ideas?

If you would think about other young people the way you do for yours would more SIMCHOT .
Does it hurt that girls are single at 28- 29 even 30?
imagine yours is 28-29-30 and no shiduch how it feels?
If hurts do somthing this is CHESED

Mother of Boys
Guest
Mother of Boys

Many of us do ask our sons and son-in-laws for names of single friends but the reality is, is that the majority of their friends are married by 25 or 26 and the ones that are left are often those that our sons and son-on-laws view as “different” or as having “issues”. Unfortunately for most women in their late 20’s and early 30’s the single men are either divorced, recent BTs, non-Lubavitch, or are just not typical. Usually older singles need to find new avenues for meeting people such as the singles events sponsored by Chananya Weissman. There is a… Read more »

to 46
Guest
to 46

whats the problm w bts?

Mother of Boys
Guest
Mother of Boys

There is no “problem” with BTs. Some girls who have gone through the system want boys who went through the system and people who recently became frum usually don’t know as much as people who went through the system and therefore sometimes have a hard time relating. While there is no “problem” marrying any Jew, some of these girls turn down BTs who just became frum.

A friend
Guest
A friend

And whats the problrm with divorced guy’s??? i have a friend who just got married to a divorced guy who was not married for long and didnt have kids and she is bh very happy with him, so u have to judge a case by case basis. and just like it is wrong to judge someone by which seminary they went to or where they went on shlichus it is just as wrong to disqualify a shidduch from someone who is divorced assuming the person doesnt have issues. there are plenty of ppl out there who got married and for… Read more »

Mother of Boys
Guest
Mother of Boys

Again, there may be no “problem” with divorced guys but most women in their late 20’s feel like they are settling when they marry someone who was married before.

to # 50 from 49
Guest
to # 50 from 49

Well then dont blaim the shidduch crisis on “there arent enough guys” when the girls in their late twenties are so picky that they wont consider a guy whos divorced for no reason other than they are settling??? listen what youre saying. what if this is the guy who is the right one who is going to make your daughter happy and they will be a wonderful couple and live a happy life together, is that called settling??? That doesnt make any sense what so ever, in any case think about the fact that there is a guy out there… Read more »

to# 50
Guest
to# 50

So keep waiting!!!!

Israel Navy Engineering Officer
Guest
Israel Navy Engineering Officer

>>> how do you suggest that to happen? In what way can “singles have more opportunity to meet their possible suitors” as you put it?

both men and women can enlist in Tzahal. There is even a Chabad battalion now.

easy explanation...
Guest
easy explanation...

when you wait around for your tzadik gamur and reject all realistic shidduchim b/c none of them are good enough for you then you start feeling like there is a crises which is really only the result of your own arrogance. I have used a number of resources including shadchanim, friends, and recently harei at on which I was rejected for not being “lubavitch” enough. This couldn’t be further from the truth but then again I’m no tzadik gamur. go figure…

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