By Meir Applebaum
In the professional world, market incentives propel everyone from large corporations to private practitioners to maximize their productive talent. A doctor or lawyer hires assistants and secretaries so that they needn’t schedules appointments nor fill out paperwork. This hierarchy ensures that time and expertise isn’t wasted. This arrangement not only maximizes profits, but is also morally sound: it allows the practitioner to service the largest number of people.
This concept can be applied to Shidduchim as well.
This proposal is a simple one, but will open the gates of Shidduch-making to thousands more people, including every parent, who will each have easy access to the information and tools they need to suggest a match.
The Proposal
The idea is to create a user-friendly and intuitively navigable central database where parents can create an account and upload their son or daughter’s profile, which will gain them access to the site. This database will open up the Shidduch making process to thousands more, who will have quick and easy access to all singles’ profiles, enabling them to better suggest matches.
To balance privacy concerns with accessibility, the site will be multilayered in the matching process, incorporating ‘levels’ of information.
Level One asks for rudimentary facts about the person, in addition to the conventional resume that is currently standard, along with the customary “references” section to contact for further research.
When a user finds a Profile that elicits interest—and appears to vaguely, or less so, match what they are looking for—the user clicks a “suggest” button on that Profile, which automatically sends a notification to the other user that their posted Profile has been “suggested”. The user who received the notification then looks into the Profile for which they were suggested: if the user agrees that the match is worth pursuing, the user clicks on their own “agree” button, which opens up the next level, ‘level 2’, of the Profile. (If the second user doesn’t agree, the suggestion remains open until the suggestor—the first user—withdraws that suggestion.)
Level Two consists of additional mandatory fields to fill in – these more detailed and probative. If both users click a button that signifies they still wish to proceed with this potential match – then bingo! The two ‘Profiles’ are ready to meet…
Level Three would require a signed document from a licensed MD that lists all medical conditions the boy or girl has, if any. This is unlocked before the engagement, which is late enough into the process that small issues won’t pose a significant threat to the engagement, but important, ‘major’ issues, if there are any, will be revealed.
It’s beyond me why this may be controversial. In fact, the moral turpitude notwithstanding, this protocol would greatly benefit also those with serious medical conditions, even if made transparent earlier in the process. But if it will derail support for this proposal, then I digress.
Only after information for all ‘levels’ has been submitted will the account become active.
What Does this Proposal Solve?
Goal: Streamline, speed up, democratize the process
Having an army of caring parents sifting through profiles and thinking about potential matches is immensely freeing for Shadchonim. Instead of Shadchonim wasting precious time on matches that never had any hope of succeeding, they will mostly be contacted only after both sides see real potential for a match. Imagine the outstanding increase in productivity and success!
Goal: More compatible suggestions
If in the past information provided on the ‘resume’ fluctuated wildly, this website ensures that critical information about the boy or girl is standard and available. This frees up precious time and resources to research, and think, deeper—about actual, personal compatibility.
Additionally, Shadchonim and parents often spend time and resources discovering elemental facts about a person, making it easy for them to mistake that for ‘research’. Now, they will be forced to focus on deeper issues of personal compatibility.
Goal: Eliminate ‘resume’ standardization
Often, many ‘resumes’ employ identical canards of attractive descriptions. Nobody wants to stick out as a sore thumb. Now, with so many profiles to peruse, people will need to stand out as unique individuals for their Profile to have any meaning. Will weaknesses be forthcoming? Probably not; but differences? Absolutely, and honesty, if only due to a lack of creativity…
Goal: Make everyone visible
In the old days, you had to know both families or individuals to make a Shidduch. Today, Chabad communities are spread across the globe from Golders Green, UK to Córdoba, Argentina. Add to them Balei Teshuva, and simply quieter types, and we have many distinctly disadvantages for no good reason. This proposal puts everyone, equally, on the map. We have the technology to remedy such challenges, and it would be a travesty not to use it.
* * * * * * *
By no means is this a comprehensive proposal that aims to solve the arguably deep-rooted sociological and structural issues that underlie the so-called Shidduch Crisis, and surely there exist many great ideas in the minds of wiser and more observant people.
But completely reforming our current Shidduch “system” isn’t a smart way forward for two reasons:
First, Shidduchim is first and foremost an exercise in pragmatism. For too long, rigid dogma on one side, and vindictive cynicism on the other—and who’s to say which side is which—have hampered meaningful efforts to reform the process
Second, like many, I remain a firm believer in preserving our current Shidduch “system”—an approach that respects our refined values of discreetness, modesty, and human dignity.
Instead, a slow, incremental approach to improving the process and that keeps everyone on board is the smart way forward, helping the vast majority of people for whom major changes aren’t necessary
Considering that there’s nothing radical or unconventional in it, even those skeptical won’t hesitate to try. Once the site reaches a critical mass of a few hundred, everyone not on the site will be basically invisible. Soon, everyone will join.
This parent-centered proposal will enhance the process by saving time, sparing agony, facilitating better suggestions, and increasing the likelihood of an engagement. Mazal Tov!
Bashert doesn’t mean wait for you to coincidently “bump into” your zivug – you still need to look. In fact, the Gemara says you need to search as if for a lost possession. You must be actively and perhaps a bit desperately, even, searching for your zivug
Sounds complicated, and begs the question why people believe a shidduch is ‘beshert’.
I would love to do away with waiting for shadchanim to return my calls!! Many of them are professional and caring while others take your money and run or don’t bother with you at all unless you have lots of yichus or money or both. Sad state of affairs:(
we DO need more ways to engage many more shadchanim – professional and amateur. Bashert NOw is doingwork similar to what is described here . BUT unless we help people stuck in the process to get UNstuck, this new system is likely to mainly help the younger singles . PLEASE, mothers and Rabbonim, involve shidduch coaches in the process and see how much more easier it is for all involved.ANd LEARN what the Rebbe has to say before you get started
to the most eloquently penned post i have ever seen on collive.com in my 27 years of living.
have you ever dealt with software building??
OBVIOUSLY NOT!!!
this is a genius idea.
To help generate the database
This idea seems eminently more practical because it doesn’t cost any money! It’s something a programmer and designer can get together and pull off in two days! All the other ideas of full time shadchonim with salaries etc. are great, but won’t happen ( at least not anytime soon). This should be done immediately
I have no desire to get into arguments or cause controversy. But We do not need “grand central shiddach“ No shiddach ever fell through because there was no central database. But often because of ignorant and petty related parties shidduchim do fall through! We need to use education to solve problems not fancy system or big words like “dynamic” or “proposals”. There is an intrinsic problem in this community with looking for catchy headline problem solving. A method of problem solving which factually and practically never did and never will work. But over the generations education has been an effective… Read more »
Firstly a database is hackable and should never contain too sensitive information. I agree people should have letters of recommendation from teacher’s and bosses. Let’s have accurate facts and diplomas, if you want to go that route. Let’s add video profiles. Meyer’s Briggs etc testing. Let’s have friend’s interviewed and a space for all future abilities. And let’s get virtually married as well. Second i don’t think the problem is a lack of information but a lack of accurate information. Today parents do not care or are too busy to actually get to know their children and push for shidduchim… Read more »
You are obviously smart and you get it. No one who reads this is going to do it for you. Do us all the favor!! Less talk more action!
It’s a no brainer.
Thank you very much for thinking of it.
This is a no-brainer it must be done. And everyday that passes is a sin.
It’s a great idea. Who is ready to run with it? Who has the funding? I’ve heard similar ideas… Need to do it.
Use the Chabad friendly database, and it’s free too! It has been running for almost two years, and extremely easy and private.
It’s called BashertNow.org, they currently employ 4 workers, who are very professional and knowledgeable.
Yours truly, Shadchan
they are all friends but they can’t get over the hurdle to make a commitment ,all singles in chabad or wherever know each other, but they can’t get over the hill to make a commitment
We all have a Rebbe why don’t we follow the system that the Rebbe gave us. That includes the Shadchanim, shlucim and mothers who know better
There’s no shortage of good ideas so solve the crises. What’s needed is action. Have a great idea? Just do it!
I always thought that having a central agency in Crown Heights, vetted and approved by our rabbanim or lay leaders would work . it would be a viable organization that has an office. There would be different kinds of shadchanim, specific to each need or interest. There would be payment dues from every family in Lubavitch to maintain this organization, based on a fee structure agreed on by a poll. Every lubavitch gir land boy would register pre or after seminary, the boys would register when they and their parents decide would be a right time. If all girls would… Read more »
If anyone was allowed to a) upload your child’s profile and b) anyone can make suggestions- the stigma of being listed group would not have any gripes, as they didn’t put their child on.
There could be a check box-full profile listed on site and sorry parents not on site.
The webmaster should contact the parents with -hey someone wants to try to make a shiduch and list your rudimentary resume there- are u ok with that?
I don’t think it is true. As you read in the comments, there will always be a large group who either feel they don’t NEED to sign on, or that it is too impersonal and worthless. I doubt if we can get enough people to sign up to actually help the masses. but i guess every derech will help some people, so whoever signs up, might end up finding a shiddach for their child thru this site.
system that really works
Girls making suggestions for her friends, calling Moms ,non stop,sending profiles, and talking about her friends, They make the suggestion and right away can tell about their friends
Once there is an interest, they can appoint their shadchanim for the dating arrangements and follow up
This is perfect, because girls work for their friends with great passion, one for each other,
We make lists form every yeshiva grade,camps,etc, from 10 years ago,communities, shluchim,etc,
agree with 16 and …19 lol
That was the best idea so far. That’s how they used to do shiduchim… when they were still babies.
After years of dating I realize the problem is not shadchanim or bad suggestions. The problem is, the guys that are available are not open to getting married. They say they are, but then constantly say no to suggestions by good friends and good people. So anything you want to do systematically can be helpful but still leaves a huge gap. Bashertnow has done a lot but still. So now that I have a profile of a good guy that’s suitable it still means nothing cuz the guy is not interested anyways unless somehow my picture blows him away and… Read more »
Long overdue!
A dynamically updated, central database is EXACTLY what we need. There is no other way, for the masses to have access to this much needed data. Don’t listen to those who want to keep this access from the people.
And don’t you worry, all the naysayers will also sign on, once the rest of the herd has…typical.
maybe some one should start putting new born baby’s into the data base so in 20 years it will be set and until then do the best we can with what we have
As in everything, it’s not what you know, it’s who you know. We married off all our kids B”H and only used a professional shadchan once – to take over from the members of each family who got the ball rolling. When you think your child is getting ready, start talking to EVERYONE. And I mean everyone. People in stores, neighbors, friends, family, people in Shul… fathers are getting more proactive these days as well. I would look at singles at weddings, even on Kingston, in shul & if I liked what I saw, I’d find out about them. I… Read more »
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The only people who match a shiduch well is friends and family not a profile u see on the net.
there is no substitute for in-person interaction. 5 people can all sound the same on paper, but after a 5 minute meeting it becomes clear that they are very, very different people, suited to very, very different spouses. In my opinion, the solution is not to come up with more online matching sites, but to create a centralized “shidduch office” which shadchanim who are paid to work full time, meeting with singles in person, and coming up with ideas of who may be suitable for whom.
Check out Zivugtech see if its something you can join with
FindYourBashert. Com
Couldn’t agree with you more. Just recently a couple went out, and although the shiduch didn’t “click”, the bocher did like the girl and suggested the shiduch to his friends he thought would be a better match.He was right and his friend did marry the girl.
If you’ve been out with someone, you know a bit about him or her. If the match isn’t for you, think about your friends to see if out might be a good match for your friend.
Happily Married friends should get to work on behalf of their unmarried friends, no?
it already exsists… chabadmatch.com is a great website for shidduchim. if more people would upload their resume…
Hashem should help that everyone find their bashert soon!
ChabadMatch only connects people with shadchonim and even then devulging details by making your info public is completely optional. This idea wants to open all resumes to all people to look through without needing any specific shadchon or having information hidden etc.
I actually think the third level in this idea would encourage people to sign up if only for the benefit of having certainty on someone’s medical history not posing a serious problem in the future.
Also, people might want to check out the persons details before or during going through a shadchon – even if they are well connected etc.
All the profiles stay as is, year after year. No updates, no added profiles, no change. It’s boring and basically looks like a plastered plack of names, non budging. There is a new upcoming site which is a kickoff of sawyouatsinai which will be devoted just for Lubavitchers. It’s called Find My Bashert. Look out for upcoming details. I believe it was started thru the Shidduch Intetnational Group. Thanx for your devotion.
Stop with the self pity and having such a complex. Many well connected families with tons of relatives are also having a hard time with shidduchim.
Don’t you think this is wrong? People need to interact! I totally agree with #2!
I agree with #1
Well said
I like the idea, but there needs to be an incentive for people to upload profiles in the beginning, as there will be little names to start with.
I do iike the idea. Can younger people have access just to make suggestions?
We already have the above, did you check them out?
That’s not how human interactions work
I actually like this proposal, because unless you have a lot of relatives spread throughout the Chabad world, it is really hard to hear about potential matches for your child. But the same problem seems to happen with all of these ‘solutions’ (there is a new website out just the past few weeks). The really good boys (and very well connected or desirable girls) never sign up because they don’t have to. They have enough suggestions from friends, relatives, and shaddchanim that they do not need to go out there and sell themselves. So you end up with websites or… Read more »