by Chana
This shidduch op-ed is not like the others on COLlive that address the emotional investment dating has and how to deal with the subsequent refusals. I wish I were able to write about such things.
The reason I can’t is that I’ve never been on a date.
I am 24-years-old, live in a community where dating mainly happens when the girl travels out of town. Dating will involve a monetary expense and time-consuming. The upheaval it demands can’t allow dating to be something so frequent.
But I am ready to travel. The problem is that there are no offers, no names, no ideas.
If you look at my resume, I am your typical girl who was studious in school and followed on to a seminary in Isreal. I then went straight to teaching and was hoping to continue sailing through the system to get married within the next following years.
That hasn’t happened. My name has been suggested to many, but time and time again, I have been turned down.
My perception is that parents of boys enter the shidduch market with a predetermined result – and it’s not just about getting their boy married. They already decided what type of girl and from what type of family and background their son needs.
Here’s one example: After inquiring about a boy, the shadchan stated, “They’re wealthy,” implying that since my family isn’t, the shidduch may not be compatible.
It often happens that after the girl has been given a suggestion and after having sent her profile, a quick response is followed from the boy’s side of “not shayach.” There was clearly no effort made on the boy’s side in pursuing the suggestion and calling the references.
Many times, the parents of boys are particular to see the girl’s profile before sending their son’s profile. Is it to gain some reassurance by a quick glance? Are parents looking to see if the girl has the qualities that are laudable in a potential wife? Are they checking into her Midos, her personality, and character traits?
Why not bypass the external factors of the unknown – an unfamiliar family name, what job the father has or difference in the background? Let’s not halt after a quick scan at the profile or after reading the first lines.
Allow yourselves to look further, to take another moment and call a reference before making an assumption and turning it down.
You own it to your child not to be so judgemental.
I understand your frustration but you must understand a effort needs to be made on your side as well. Meaning: if there is a boy that you feel would be a good husband for you, you shouldn’t sit back and hope he might answer an email or two. No! Make a phone call find out who he is and who knows and respects, then get those people to vouch for you. The fact that you don’t have a big name in chabad doesn’t mean you aren’t important, it just means you are unfamiliar. Think in the shoes of the guy… Read more »
Gret point, however due to sites like FindYourBashert.com we were able to marry off our son who was also seemingly “unknown” as they have such a broad network.
Know that your bershert is looking for you just as you are looking for him. Don’t limit yourself to shadchanim. My kids found their bershert through suggestions from friends. Try all avenues, friends, frum websites, other shules etc. And remember the most important thing of all – don’t limit Hashem as to what package your bershert will come in. Many mothers tell me they want for their children looks, tall, wealthy, skinny, dress sense etc etc. This is the surest way NOT to find your true 100% bershert. Many years ago now,when I finally met my husband after much previous… Read more »
Most of the people who marry young are from families who have aggressive parents pulling strings. Parents who are quiet and laid back will find their kids having difficulty getting married. If you look at communities like Skver and monroe, everyone gets married. In more modern circles it’s more difficult. Money is not the answer. I myself when I was 23 was a millionaire and did not get any dates. I was a tall handsome heimish rich easy going guy with NO dates. You have to be in a community that’s tightly knit to get a date. Girls living in… Read more »
“Own”? Or “owe”? Own implies ownership allowing to freely do as one pleases, while “owe” is quite the opposite, an obligation to another.
Right, and that’s why we’re seeing so many divorces today. When you look at chitzonius and put pnimiyus second, that’s what happens. More older singles, more divorces.
You will find your bashert. These guys aren’t it, apparently, and these shadchanim are not the ones who will help.
Look in other areas, look for a different type, or something. One day he will fall into your lap and that will be it. And you know, it may not even be through a shadchan.
and give tzedaka to R’ Meir Baal Hanes and you will find your missing match. Amen!
I hate to break it to you but there is no system once you’re out of the system. It’s each man (or woman) for him/herself. Just as you would actively look for a job you need to actually look for your shiduch. And as others mentioned it might pay to go somewhere there are more possible options instead of expecting someone to travel to you without having ever met you.
To many comments above:
1) there is someone up there for you
2) discuss each individual case with your parents and Mashpia
3) some people are worth traveling for others are not
4) if people share expense it is a possibility if not it brings you closer to a shidduch
5) I remember investing 2000 into meeting someone and preparing and traveling, almost worked out, but that shidduch brought me so much closer to my husband
Why? It taught me a lesson on what is important
Contact me [email protected]
or whatsapp 3475593996
Put a subject Urgent shidduch help
In the past I have offered our fam car to guys dating. I have told my children if they have friend dating and need a car we can lend ours.It defrays the cost. All we ask is that they have a license and are responsible. We don’t need to know who they are etc just a place we leave car & keys and where to drop it off. We leave gas for them too. I am sure many others would do the same. Guys when dating and can’t afford car rentals try asking people who you eat shsbbos meals at… Read more »
I really hesitate to open up this can of worms and I know there will be a big backlash from it. I have not seen your picture, nor do I know what you look like. You may be tall, thin and beautiful. But you might not be. Back in the day, thirty five years ago, when I got married, there were no profiles and there were certainly no pictures. A girl who was chubby had a fighting chance because the boy would meet her before seeing her picture. He could be enamoured by a girl’s personality and put her looks… Read more »
Im a boy 28 dated quite a few girls and i paid by myself for every single date i went on. Not once did a girl offer to split the cost of dating, if i went out with a girl 5 times comes out to be around 400$, i didnt expect them to offer, because the way ot works by us is the boy pays for the date. i have givven up my true ambition working on shlichus and moved to crown heights to find my bashert. I feel in a certaim way expect that back so to me if… Read more »
Of video’s and resumes. Each one could choose to find out more by a shaddchin getting involved. As in push interested and a shaddchin starts getting the ball rolling. A lot more good shidduchim will happen.
I understand you 100%. The system is corrupt, unless your family has money or is well known, no suggestions will come your way. There needs to be a system where shadchanim actually care about you and you don’t have to run after them with their super busy schedule and make you feel as if they are doing your the biggest favor ever! But don’t give up, call up every single shadchan, ask around, go on whatsaap groups and websites, put your name out there. Nudge them, thats the way it works. Yes, its annoying to feel like your a furniture… Read more »
I’m not from ch I’m from a chassidic family I’m seeing girls for a couple of years already and I get the same stupid answer from the Shadchan the girl said very nice boy but not for me most of the girls 25 above have their mind set what they want the way I see it., Why is it like this
I am a baal Teshuva male. I had a very “painful” and difficult time in the Shidduch process. When I got a job as a rebbe at Oholie Torah, the shadchan I called so many time without any leads, said to me “now, you are hot on the market.” All of a sudden, girls were calling to go out, shadchans could not stop “helping” me. ADVICE: Get a job as an assistant principal at Bais Rivkah, get rich, or change your last name to a known Chabad name. Seriously speaking, I found the love of my life on a frum… Read more »
come in to Crown Hts for shabbes and get to know people here 😉
Look for someone over 40. Many more prospective matches.
And the powers that be, will not allow some of the worst ones, to be discussed, so they will never be solved.
To read all the encouraging posts.
Sitting in for a date is the easiest and cheapest way.
I am unable to get a decent chinuch position not because I am not qualified enough, but because I am a bal teshuva who does not have gezsha or a fancy Chabad father in law.
Schools look into the “last name” of who they want to hire.
Unfortunately, if you do not marry a special family, you will not get help in landing a “shlichus or a Chabad chinuch position.
If it is bashert, then why isn’t it happening for so many youngsters, and after so much effort?
If it’s getting to too many years without being noticed, look for an opportunity in CH so you will be seen. Sorry you’ve had disappointment that may be unfair but best do what’s productive for your future even if it requires giving in to terrorism (not literally of course)
I’ll date you I have no problem if you can fly here
Devorah Benjamin goes once a month and davens at the Ohel for shidduchim for the donors. She also meets lots of families and knows who has kids in the parsha so she can sometimes suggest someone. Read the Rebbe’s books on the subject of shidduchim because you might widen your own criteria based on that. Make sure that you have a mashpia who can tell you honestly if there is something that you need to focus on, work on, or find a husband who is compatible with. I am really surprised at how few people who are in shidduchim actually… Read more »
Please don’t take it personally. People don’t want to talk to a young man or young women’s friends. The friends are not a very reliable source of information! People do research by figuring out who else may have crossed paths with the person, at a particular school or in a particular city, whom they trust to tell the truth. People on your list reporting they never got a call doesn’t mean that you are not being considered in a thoughtful way.
The calibre of the comments responding to this post is definitely an upgrade. It must be a reflection on the writer. You wrote honestly and from your heart, and people answered you with heart. Harzlocha to you, and I hope you find your bashert soon!
Easy for me to say, I’m from CH but I disagree with the guy needeing to pay for traveling to see someone. Guys are ppl too, they work just as hard as us. I can only imigaine what my bank account would like like being them. Like someone said above, an average date costs abt $75-100.. if you go out 2/3 times (which is the average before saying no), he spent close to $300 if not more. How many girls do guys date a month? If he needs to travel to date you, honey his expense is tremendous.. if I… Read more »
So many people are looking for what they want and not what the child wants.
Know your child and know what they want. In the end of the day they are going to live with that person not you
Dear Chana, please go to bashertnow.com today and register for free. Your profile and photo will be sent to over 250 shadchanim worldwide. Close to 400 of their members have gotten engaged/married in the past 2 years or so, and many shidduchim have come about through bashertnow itself. B”H I was zoche to make such a shidduch, for an out-of-town girl! Singles from the most far-flung places have gotten engaged through the online groups. Please remember that there is a wedding invitation written in Shamayim with your name and your chosson’s name on it, plus all the details of where… Read more »
Jewish singles, regardless of affiliation, from smaller communities are always advised to move to a more major Jewish metropolis to meet other Jewish singles. Maybe we should reinstate Tu B’av, where eligible women parade down the street to be seen. There is a level of pragmatism that applies to the dating system. This issue isn’t biased towards less known families, the reason why it may be easier for a girl from a more well known family to get a Shidduch while they are living out of town is because of the connectivity of these families, so they are more apt… Read more »
Not everybody seems to know this but it’s on the achraiyis of the boy to pay for the travelling for at least the first date. My son moved to Crown Heights so he’d be in the center of things. When a girl is suggested to him even from Crown Heights he had to take into consideration renting a car for $50 so dates usually at least $75 depending on where he’s going. He supports himself so he considers these things. When a girl is from out of town, even if she’s willing to pay the cost of traveling, he isn’t… Read more »
This is the best response to a posting I have read in while. Enuogh said!
It’s easy for me to say this, but I’m also single and 25 years old and I decided that I would not give up because if I do; do I really believe that Jewish marriage is divine?! there is someone out there for sure; maybe it’s all just a hint to do things different maybe change shadchan, contact as many shadchanim as possible, or various events. lastly, you really don’t want super judgemental people; that’s all they are….no quality in there.
bs”d U CAN be empowered to get to the chuppah by joining the Network: http://www.shidduchgroupnetwork.com. U/your mom can join a chapter where u live; if there is none yet, start one. Our approach is together to learn & follow the Rebbe’s Torah directives for finding a shidduch, network w/one another & share ideas for shidduchim, daven for one another, etc., i.e., bring the mazel down to get to meet the right one @the right time! Hashem certainly HAS a shidduch for u–he’s looking for u right now! Stay positive, join our site: http://www.findyourbashert.com/gold member; a shadchan will do the work… Read more »
some people from amazing families are the opposite of amazing
I hear what you are saying, but just so you know I am 25 and moved to ch last year for this reason. All the problems you name are totally right, and it was a very difficult decision, but the fact is I started getting dates and much more on target suggestions, and shadchanim just started taking me more seriously. Is it fair or nice or even dignified? No, there is a huge problem. Do I have family here? No, and I often end up eating Shabbos meals in my basement. Am I happy here? Sometimes. But you gotta do… Read more »
So if someone can find out about this girl for me to see if shes interested in me ill be happy to date her
Crown heights is so huge now, i dont think someone will be known just by moving there and living with girls. And where will she eat shabbos if she doesn’t have relatives?
she needs to get on shiddach lists, (like the chicago shiddach group) where she will find profiles of many other ‘no-name’ boys. Their families will be more open. Or long-time BT boys. They too can be excellent boys, but face great stigma on the shiddach market. It depends what you are looking for. Boys from wealthy homes; boys with yichus…. they have literally dozens or hundreds of girls to choose from. So they begin by narrowing down names; who is the family. It is just a way of starting the selection process.
keep asking everyone you know if they know someone for you. Someone who knows you may have a suitable relative or friend. Also try to meet as many shadchanim as possible and leave them your resume and picture. You never know from where, from whom, he will come. You don’t need to date many – just one, the right one. Good Luck!!
I know plenty of people that would date you.
I get so annoyed when I hear people say “if u want to get married, u have to move to Crown Heights”. First of all does everyone get married that lives there?I know there are young women there who are just waiting(!) for their beshert. Why give up a good occupation, friends, family to be one of many in basements just “waiting”. I do realize that young men also end up there for the same reason to find their beshert but it is sad that you can not just stay in your country if you are past 25 years because… Read more »
I feel like a lot more girls would be looked into because boys are more open minded than their mothers. A mother can easily say no to her sons bashert but if the boy would see his potential wife’s profile, he would be interested in it.
The only way my girls were able to be married was because I sent them away! Actually, I just realised that it was the same with my sons.Unless you live in a huge community , you need to travel
Move to crown heights. Then you won’t be unknown.
I went on my first date at 27 (and I live in one of the “hubs” so no travelling necessary). I’m sure you’ll get many “there must be more to it” comments, and “if you haven’t been on any dates there must be a bigger problem” but sometimes it’s literally just the logistics. Not knowing enough people is a huge one. Not having involved parents is another. Some people find it easy, or at least doable, to advocate for themselves. For others it’s impossible. I cannot do it. I cannot sell myself. I cannot call people and nudge them and… Read more »
yes totally agree! people should be able to look at resumes before mother’s!
everyone is looking for a good girl or boy but i do believe the boy is exist for you , just look for more options ….and please change the chadhan with zero data for you …..you r big now maybe move to the big city to find your beshert and register for all online jewish shiddush websites