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Saturday, 20 Tishri, 5780
  |  October 19, 2019

The Root of the Shidduch Problem

From the COLlive inbox: I have a simple suggestion that isn't exciting yet extraordinarily relevant to shidduchim. Full Story

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wow! so well said!
Guest
wow! so well said!

i always make sure that i would be perfectly comfortable giving my phone to the Rebbe so He can see everything and anything i wrote. it stops me from writing many things, and it pushes me to not overlook other peoples comments which are wrong.
this is very well written and supper true! if hashem gave us this mitzvah, we CAN do it!
shnas Hakhel: lets do it as a whole!!
moshiach now!!!

Shadchan
Guest
Shadchan

Very good point! May we merit the coming of Moshiach to solve all crises!!

wow, totally agree
Guest
wow, totally agree

To add, also the post engagement snipe remarks that can undermine or call off an engagement.
Thank you for bringing this up

Beautiful, well written article!
Guest
Beautiful, well written article!

So true. People are too judgmental and critical these days.
We need to look at ourselves in the mirror first!

Maybe a little more Ahavas Yisrael will do the trick – looking right past all the criticism. It’ll really make the entire atmosphere much more comfortable and welcoming.

Many good points
Guest
Many good points

But ma hakesher others judging us based on how we judge others? That has nothing to do with the reasoning of why we don’t judge others

another problem stopping shidduchim
Guest
another problem stopping shidduchim

The rebbe did not agree with everyone going to college. Only certain people were allowed to go. Even touro college was not allowed for a friend of mine frum from birth. I was allowed to go to stern college as a baalat tshuvah. Now I see those who have children who didn’t go to college not wanting a shidduch in the family with someone who went to college. It creates an added division. The one who went to college now wants someone educated as they are. This has caused several women I know not to get shidduchim.

Only half the story.
Guest
Only half the story.

Good article, but only half the article was written! Yes, be careful with Lashon Hara and Rechilus. But it is totally wrong that “Shidduchim gives us a carte blanche to do just that”. You do not have carte blanche to speak lashon hara in shidduchim there are definite Halachos for what to say and what not to say. Ask a Rov before deciding you can say something. But just as important ask a Rov if you should not say anything. So many parents do not hear what is important for them to hear because people become holy with shidduchim information… Read more »

To number 5
Guest
To number 5

Maybe it won’t be the way they judge you but the way your judging yourself. So many times when I question someone’s behavior suddenly a short time after I find myself doing the same thing when put in that situation! Hashed runs the world that way . we all naturally have self love we will only notice that we did something wrong if we notice the problem in someone else. So yes when you judge someone else you are really judging yourself!

stretching things a bit
Guest
stretching things a bit

While in principle I would agree with the author but it seems they are stretching a bit far assuming that lashon hara is spoken to the extent this article claims? Isn’t hat being judgmental? If I would see a picture posted online about the shidduch under consideration and it was something that was not positive – that would justifiably set a red flag for me. Obviously, when being a reference for a shidduch, one has to be responsible and not share information that is not proven or hearsay. Sorry – not really getting this article but I appreciate the intent… Read more »

Nice speech.
Guest
Nice speech.

Loshon Horah is always a good thing to work on but I don’t belwive that’s the issue. I don’t come across loshon Horah in shidduchim. Quite the opposite, people are discreet and respectful. I end up going out with people completely off my radar because the references and friends said ‘they had it together’. They didn’t. My point is or rather my simple addition I would like to make, is to not make a decision about going out with someone depending on little hearsay things mentioned in this article. Even if it’s true and you see them. If the person… Read more »

little kid
Guest
little kid

so why is it that the one its about is punished as well?

to # 11
Guest
to # 11

not punished, but affected, hurt……

to #7
Guest
to #7

You make a valid point. Maybe a Rav could present these important halachos in this forum?

its true
Guest
its true

Because of loshon hara a family said no to my daughter.. He married someone else, suffered miserably for 3 months. and then a year or so later ended up dating my daughter and they are now happily married, Baruch Hashem for over 2 yrs already. Loshon hara hurts shidduchim all the time. . People stop judging, stop saying not for us, not shayach, etc , open up your limitations and just give someone a chance,

Citizen Berel
Guest
Citizen Berel

See number 10. If more people had that attitude, shiduchim would go a lot more smoothly.

good point
Guest
good point

and to the point, give people a chance

Thank you citizen Berel
Guest
Thank you citizen Berel

I agree. So how do we get the ‘older guys’ to think like this? It’s basically a lost cause. So we’re basically left with no one to marry. Joy.

I like #1 comment
Guest
I like #1 comment

I think I will take that on, going forward. Or at least, try. Won’t be easy, LH & gossip are by far my worst traits. It’s a good way to stop – would I want the Rebbe to read that???

To number 10
Guest
To number 10

Number ten, your references told you all was good, they were wrong. Why did you not verify what they said with the person directly? Why would you depend on vague information from others when you could have obtained accurate information from the person him/herself? That would spare wasted time/energy If you think there was a chisaroyn in the person should have told you, the only person who you can expect to address that chisaroyn is the person herself. What makes you think a reference is obligated to tell you about what they think is a chisaroyn? That’s not their problem… Read more »

Shiduch email mistakes
Guest
Shiduch email mistakes

I can’t even count all those shiduch emails landed in my inbox by mistake misspelled addres forward to wrong address, shadchanim please pay attention when forwarding emails don’t hit the send button until you made sure the address is correct. My spam filter can’t keep up with your sloppy mistakes

See Alter Rebbe
Guest
See Alter Rebbe

For those who think shmiras halashon is not a lubavitch thing, just see any sicha maamar from any of the Rebbeim on this week’s parsha.

The Rambam writes that Lashon Harah is kineged all three avoda Zara giluy arayos shfichas domim.

Poskim write that it applies even to speech between husband’s and wives.

Have a look in Sefer Meah Shearim p62 to see a very interesting letter by the Alter Rebbe on this issue how shiduch talk is all sheker, not just some but all of it:

…ולטעם זה כל השידוכים נגמרים ע”י שקרים דשדכן ולא עפ”י האמת

absolutely no Loshan hora
Guest
absolutely no Loshan hora

but , what’s the connection? someone was just looking into my fantastic daughter and were very interested until they heard things about us as a family. what they heard was probably all true but that doesn’t make me upset on the contrary if they are the type to not what us because of superficial things then I’m relieved that we were not subjected to this type of family, In fact I’m so great full to the challenges we have had coz it’s made my family so smart, deep and close wirh true simcha , we have so much fun! when… Read more »

College
Guest
College

The whole college edu thing is out of control! The discussion between young adults now hS become too focused on where one went to school, what texted one has or is currently Persuing… And that makes them worthwhile or a somebody! If one does go to college or university or further their edu for parnassah without dwelling on it or compromising Chas vsholom torah values that’s fine but let’s try and remember that our Rebbe ZTL did not make it a focus. Torah, mitzvos, cheeses, ahavas yisroel…. That’s the ikkur So when entertaining a shidduch that should not be priority… Read more »

To #19
Guest
To #19

#10 DID verify what the person is like directly–by going out with them! That is exactly why we have potential partners meet face-to-face (no “arranged marriages”). The writer is going about this correctly and I hope will be blessed to find his/her Zivug soon. And you’re demeaning the writer and calling him/her a fool?! Go back and read the article again. Don’t criticize. Don’t judge. Don’t miss the point.

Makpid
Guest
Makpid

I have been to chabad communities all over the country and Loshon Horah is not something Chabad is Makpid on. To the point that even if you point it out many people just laugh it off.

Yehuda  l g
Guest
Yehuda l g

Yechi hamelich who ever wrote this it made me happy with lots of injoyment. Good job.fralicher kosher lerpasach

unfair
Guest
unfair

As much as Loshon Horah effects engagements thefirst time round ,the second time is for sure more difficult ,particularly when either the girl or guy was popular and :bad mouths ,or makes snide insinuations ,that turns off future potentials .. especially when all that was wrong was that the couple themselves was not suitable ,but otherwisw nothiung wrong with them .

To number 2
Guest
To number 2

Rather lets Change ourselves m so we can bring moshiach speedily in our days!!!

so true!
Guest
so true!

Much needed article Thank you!

with the old breed
Guest
with the old breed

why is dressing as one should always looked down upon. it takes more time and yes more money but do you think of that for the food that you put in your mouth. One class just one class let them all take upon themselves this great thing and you will see the results. What do you have to lose?

4822
Guest
4822

this is all true and all points taken.I don’t live in Crown Heights anymore, but I’m in a big frum community where this is just as pertinent. . Point: we will not fix it all, we won’t fix everyone. We have to keep trying to press this subject in shiurim, in schools, etc. another issue very unfortunately, as I have a relative who had someone in her extended family who has a personality disorder, and the person was talking negatively about the persons child, for various reasons. . it is a disorder. It doesalso happen in the frum communities.therefore, when… Read more »

So true
Guest
So true

A good friend pointed out just this week that almost every time he hears Motzi Shem Rah (as 95%+ of “loshon horah” nowadays isn’t loshon horah at all, but motzi shem rah), the person telling it is worse than the person being spoken of. And yes, it hams people, and mostly the ones believing it.

32*
Guest
32*

*harms, not “hams”
And that was an accidental typo on my phone. But spreading such evil speak is indeed maaseh Edom and has prevented the complete and ultimate redemption from Golus Edom.

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