By Rivka
I am a mother living on Shlichus. I’ve raised my children outside of Crown Heights, often far from the support system that families in large communities take for granted. I know what it means to fight for a Jewish chinuch, kosher food, and for every scrap of Yiddishkeit we bring into our homes. I’ve also watched my children grow, blossom, and now, with Hashem’s help, step into Shidduchim. And I cannot keep quiet any longer.
The pain of singles is very real. I see it in my children and in their friends. I see the loneliness, the waiting, the frustration of being overlooked. But if we are serious about solving this, we need to stop pretending that the only answer is more events and more Shadchanim.
The truth is too obvious to ignore: we don’t have a Shidduch crisis. We have a Tznius crisis.
I say this with love, not with anger. Our girls are extraordinary. They are intelligent, capable, kind, and ambitious. But at the same time, too many have quietly let go of Tznius. Not just in dress but in the whole way they carry themselves and the way they think of their dignity as bas Melech. And when Tznius slips, something much bigger is lost.
I see it when my sons hesitate, I hear it when families whisper, and I feel it in the atmosphere when we come in for visits. People don’t want to admit it, but it matters. It shapes trust, affects first impressions, and influences how seriously a girl is seen as ready to build a home that will stand the test of time.
We keep trying to patch the problem with bigger programs, fancier weekends, louder initiatives. But as long as we are afraid to say the word tznius, we are ignoring the root. If the foundation of our daughters’ identity is shaky, how can we expect stable marriages to form on top of it?
On Shlichus, we teach our children that every mitzvah matters, every standard is precious, because when you are one of only a handful of Jews in town, every action counts. It breaks my heart to see that in our largest communities, surrounded by resources, some have forgotten that.
If we want to see our children flourish, if we want to watch them stand under the chuppah with confidence and clarity, we must give them the gift of Tznius again — not as restriction but as power, pride, and freedom to be valued for who they are.
So yes, I am a mother, and I am crying for my children. But I am also crying for our community’s silence. Until we have the courage to say that Tznius matters, we will keep calling it a Shidduch crisis. And the truth is, the crisis is not in Shidduchim. The crisis is in us.
Thank you for writing this
I think she hit the nail on the head. And of course, tznius applies to both men and women, boys and girls, she just emphasized the most crucial feminine element. Women have a much stronger influence in this issue than men.
the tzinius crisis is something else altogether. A lot of single girls are perfect in their tzinius. and I’ve seen a lot of married girls who aren’t tzinius at all.
Unfortunately, some boys marry with their eyes and not thinking, is this the type of girl that would be proud to raise a family with? I’m in the early 40s crowd, the issue comes up again and I have dozens of friends getting divorced because tznious on both fronts, physically/spiritually was not a priority for both parties. This will catch up eventually.
Believe me, men do not respect this type of woman at shul, married or not, and married men DO talk about them!
Find that very hard to believe!
https://chafetzchayim.org/wp-content/single/SeferGederOlam_2020-07-01_03-36-49/SeferGederOlam_2020-07-01_03-36-49.html
Plenty of “not tznius” girls with very stable families and beautiful marraiges so don’t start conflating the 2.
So what do you tell my chassidish, very tznius, very learned, very down to earth and practical single friends who all are busy with jobs (chinuch, shlichus, or “careers”) chavrusas, mivtzoyim all the things you’re looking for… but can’t find a shidduch because the boys their age (“older” boys) have no plan in life, are sitting around doing nothing with their time. If anything I see a discrepancy between girls who are living full lives with thought and ambition and chayus, who are educated and well mannered, and boys who don’t feel the need to make anything of themselves, who… Read more »
You don’t get it. Everything does, I repeat, always does hinge on tznius.
We had many more brachos from the care we once had with it.
It’s all the boys fault! So simplistic and such an hateful point of view you sound like the pro Palestinians haters of Jews it’s all black and white no grey zone btw go clubbing one of those nights and reality will hit you in the face , let’s see if you will still be so biased
The boys are only doing what they’ve been taught by their parents and teachers to do….
I learn 3 prokim and a daf and work part time in a labor job because the labor market sucks. I have a degree and experience. I have asked plenty of girls and received “not shayich” over 30 times.
You will find.
“it’s a boys market”
– your local shadchan
quit your job now. you are not fit to be a shadchan.
and it’s certainly not a ‘boys market’
That’s an obsolete way of thinking. It’s simply not true.
I’m not saying it’s anyone’s market, rather it comes down to family, money, status, and looks.
are probably more tzinius. So marry them off first. Match them off first.
They also feel it’s not tsnius. But they can’t in chabad matchmaking. Every boy’s mother needs to see a girl’s picture.
please, boys are forced to give pics as well. I remember a bochur coming to me and saying that he never liked giving out a picture. A shidduch came up, and even though the girl’s aunt davened in the same shul and knew the boy, and described him (tall, thin, well dressed, good looking) still, the mother needed a picture. and I advised him to send one, these are the times we live in. imagine the shock when 5 minutes after he sent the picture (the resume had been sent already), he gets the response, “its not for us”. meaning… Read more »
to compare boys pix to girls pix.
should have resisted pictures. They did not
They should have asked rabbanim first
What do you expect when the yeshiva dont teach bochrim any skills about making a living, finding a parnassa, or running a home. If they are lucky, choson classes give maybe a day crash course in that. This contrasts girls who are given a far more robust secular education, live at home and get ample direction from their parents, and go to college at a much earlier age. The system in which we have men be unprepared to be a bread winner and at the same time expect them to be bread winners because we are very conservative in our… Read more »
In the olden days the boys had much less guidance to build a life after yeshiva and you had a lot less shidduch problems. Now we have therapist, dating coaches, and online jobs, practically everything handed to us on a silver platter. The only thing that had become harder and making a big difference on marriage since then is the tznius in boys and girls. In the way they dress, the way they speak, the way they think, and the way they act! Besides that being horrible and doing a lot of damage on our neshama and personality it has… Read more »
It’s not the only thing that has changed. Materiality and superficiality has invaded our life. We have so much stuff and people still want more, even in frum circles. The newest frum fashion, house remodeling, vacation etc. As long as people don’t teach their children what’s really important in life, they’ll continue searching for the non-essential and the shiddukh crisis will continue.
Of course Tznius is not the only reason for our shidduch difficulties, and the ezras anashim has what to work on as well, but you can only take responsibility for yourself. This is a valid point that the author brought up. Everyone should see if there’s a level of Tznius that they can improve in. It’s like the story of the chossid that wanted to change the whole world and eventually realized it starts with him
I definitely agree we have a tznius issue and that it’s upmost importsnt…. But, I’m not sure I agree or understand the connection with singles not having yet found their shiduch. Clearly the girls who care about the standard of tzinus will attract a buchor looking for that. And if a girl has a harder time with that so they will probably be set up with a boy caring as much to care about tzinus. There are plenty of both to go around.
Again I think it’s it’s own issue. Why blame the struggling shduch system on this ?
Because a lack of tznius makes a culture that is antithetical to marriage.
the snags dont seem to have a tznios issue and yet they have the same shidduchim issues,….
A lack of pantyhose or stockings on a 4 year old child in 105 degrees heat means she is immodest and not fit to be a wife and mother?! Please!
This article is extremely disappointing, and written by a mother, no less. There is zero connection between tznius and the overflow of “older” (when they are really not) singles.
is that maybe a nontzinius girl married the one who was destined for the tzinius girl? and stole her bashert?
Dear fellow Shlucha, I feel your pain. I know it’s real because I am dealing with this myself. To devote decades of our lives to combating assimilation and fighting apathy to Judaism only to watch it happen to our own community we grew up in, the same one that we sent all our kids back to, is heart breaking and beyond painful. Perhaps equally as painful is to wait and wait for our children to find their proper zivug in said sorry situation. Although I don’t necessarily agree with you that they are one problem I’d like to suggest one… Read more »
You got it. Give back. Take charge. Put your effort where it’s needed.
What exactly does it mean that certain girls have a “hard” time with Tznius?
They should think about what it’s like to wear woolen Tzitizus + undershirt and button-down shirt, a black jacket/kapoteh, a yarmulka, hat, black pants, and a full beard in the summer. Tznius for girls really isn’t that hard in comparison.
A lot of guys are wearing a tshirt and jeans. That’s the type that will work with girls who tznius is more of a struggle
The girls who are struggling with tznius want regular bochurim, not guys in jeans and t-shirt.
What world are you from that bachurim where that 24/7. I grew up in crown heights and am on shluchos now, they definitely do wear t-shirts, maybe not jeans, but comfortable pants. As someone who was raised and is an Orthodox girl i will tell you that tznius is a struggle. Everyone takes it for granted that if you were raised this way, you have an easy time. If someone knocks on my door when I’m in bed, I need a few minutes to cover up in a tzniis fashion, my husband can jist walk out. In the heat, I’m… Read more »
We don’t hear this enough
Tznius not hard when one values it. It’s not a necessary evil that must be struggled wirh. Though it can feel that way.
When one doesn’t understand its significance to Hashem, to a community, to Yiddishkeit, it can be hard. When one don’t understand the connection between tznius and dignity, tznius and wholesome living, tznius and being connected to the deepest part of yourself and therefore others. When you understand how connected it is to your mission here on earth, how essential it is to raising healthy children and a healthy society. What opportunity exists in positively impacting our environment.
Tznius can be hard even when you value it. So can shabbos and raising children and marriage. Doing something because you value it and understand it doesn’t mean it becomes easy. It means it becomes easier. It’s not fair to shame people that are struggling and say you just don’t appreciate it enough. Yes, they probably need a boost in bitachon and emunah and might benefit from learning some more, but it can still be a constant struggle no matter how hard you try. And that’s ok. Because the struggle is beautiful and as tznius is a Mitzvah Bain Adam… Read more »
As someone who used to struggle with tznius and still does on occasion, it is 100% a struggle for women everywhere. A direct response to women should thing about what it’s like to wear all men clothes etc, women wear complete coverage and a shaitel and stockings and a shell and heat flashes and also deal with body image issues and peer pressure and feeling pretty in tznius and feeling modest but not tznius and so much more. Yes, tznius for men is hard, but you’re talking on a physical level. Women feel it on a physical, emotional, mental, and… Read more »
We are to walk modestly with Hashem.
Covering nearly every square inch of our bodies came from the rebbeim.
Just because a woman’s ankles or forearms show, does not mean she is immodest!
It is high time to dispose of these judgments.
Not to mention we often see men walking around in polo shirts and shorts!
Ridiculous statement to dispose of these ‘judgments’. Its the Torah! Wake up to reality and truth. It’s not about anyone other than Gd
Why are you mixing apples with oranges?!
There is definitely a shidduch crisis ( with many beautiful young girls/ ladies who dress tznius) and yes there may be a tznius crisis too.
But it makes no sense to fully connect them the way the author did.
Just saying it’s also pretty painful for single girls to read this article….
Yeah, the judgement coming off this article is heavy. Did the writer ever think girls no sorry WOMEN are feeling failed by the system after they so stringently followed the “rules” for so long with still no “results”? Seems extremely judgy and this will push those already struggling women away even more.
My daughters in shidduchim have trouble because the deal breaker for them is if a boy watches secular movies. These are boys who are motivated, ready to be shluchim, succesful batim, leaders. Sometimes they are teachers, camp head staff etc. It’s very normalized probably since people had to be on screens during covid. And there are other factors. These bochurim sometimes grew up on shluchus, sometimes in inspired families in Lubavitch communities. In shidduchim, it’s a dealbreaker for my daughters. They are realistic and will even accept sports and news and news commentary which is certainly not aidel, and is… Read more »
and you know what, all you boys who watch movies, you need to all stop now. You need to wake up. Be good enough for the girls out there who want to get married. Be more frum. any time i see on a resume that a boy watches secular movies I reject them too.
The problem is much deeper than “secular” movies. The problem really lies in the filth that is so easily available today that distorts the reality and causes major issues in the person’s perception of reality.
so to all you boys who are doing that, quit today. Thx
What you are saying makes sense, But i should add that the same thing applies on the part of the bachurim. If you think this sounds odd, and tznius is only about covering up, then i have news for you: Tznius is also in machshava… When a bochur is a good bochur וכו’ But he also enjoys some stupidity… Like movies or so.. It affects his thought proccess, And when it comes to shiduchim, his head isnt there. His goal is not focused on building a home, But on other things. When he gets his inspiration from the movies, You… Read more »
Not to mention the rampant internet addiction issues! It has become the norm for every bochur to regularly watch inappropriate content. Bochurim: get help! Before you’re married! It creeps up again when real life hits and it becomes a betrayal and massive issue that can lead to so much pain and dysfunction. This issue can’t be quiet anymore, it’s too common!
One resource is guardyoureyes.com. If you’re married, find a therapist on guardtheirhearts.com.
Don’t let shame get in the way, because when you are found by your wife, the shame is so much greater.
Get help!!
Absolutely!!
Thank u
The tznius needs to apply equally to boys and girls; men and women and obviously extends way beyond matters of dress!
As long as we keep this crucial balance in mind maybe we can help to improve this systemic issue. As long as we obsessively focus on women only, and women’s dress only, we have no hope in solving, resolving and reforming the “shidduch crisis” 😔
People are having the hassle of going out to look for other people and they have big problems. Why are you bringing up this whole thing about dress code?
If you think tznius is only a dress code, you missed the train my friend.
A huge chutzpah!!!!
Why are we publishing articles like this?
There are people that really are having hard time. A shidduch will not happen a second before it is supposed to happen. You are NOT Hashem. So quit blaming it on tznious. Why are we allowing people to publish articles without their names? This article is damaging, unkind and not what the Rebbe stands for.
Hashem is the one making shidduchim!!!!
And for anyone waiting, they should see revealed good only!!!
but perhaps a shadchan is getting in the way and blocking it? maybe they should be the ones to stop blocking correct matches?
So so true. You really touched a nerve….
The shadchan is a messenger,
Hashem is the one who makes shuddichim.
and certain people need to stop blocking those shidduchim that they sometimes block.
We all know what the Rebbe stands for and said, let’s not push that aside. The Rebbe said in a Sicha vol 23 pg 487 “Among the specific Mitzvos to hasten the Geula are Kedusha and Tahara.” At a Yechidus 5728 to Nshei Chabad Kfar Chabad the Rebbe said, “Even Haboichen l’Yiras Shomayim hi Tznius V’Tehara.” The determining factor of yiras Shomayim is Tznius and Tahara. At the farbrengen of 12 Tamuz 5730, the Rebbe stated that dressing immodestly causes harm and damage to others and is an act of cruelty. He used the term “she is a Mazik.” The Rebbe didn’t hesitate to… Read more »
The definition of “modest” needs work! Exposure of an ankle or not wearing pantyhose does not make a woman immodest or cruel! What is cruel is saying that about a woman!
So you disagree with the Rebbe or Torah? One of the reasons we need to dress in a tznius fashion is not to arouse boys/men to unholy thoughts or actions. BTW, not wearing pantyhose is in contradiction to what chazal teach us and the Alte Rebbe paskens. According to the Alte Rebbe the leg from the knee down is considered “shoik” and must be covered, as is passkened across the board. Although the Chofetz Chaim differed on this it is not the accepted practice, as is evident in the Litvish circles. So yes, exposed legs are in contradiction to halacha… Read more »
There’s a lot of single girls, yes. But there’s also a lot of single boys
Why do you only hear about the single girl siddach crisis?
Idk I’m genuinely perplexed
When you hear that boys have PILES of resumes, or worse yet, the mothers don’t bother responding to suggestions….
I was recently at a shabbos meal and the girls within a 10 year age gap of a certain bocher were all kevelling for him. But when a guy who is a mashgiach was mentioned they all rolled their eyes in disgust. In the same vein pretty privilege is real and it shouldn’t be ignored either, and spending $500 to $2000 on a women singles coaching course, empowerment, chakra alignment, thingy, etc. isn’t going to help.
Each single person is having their own issues in Shidduchem to deal with and not everything is a crisis.
Because that makes it easier for shadchanim. Just keep saying there are too many girls.
If a guy is still single he is told to man up and become the guy a girl would want to marry. Should we say the same to the women, or is it better to write articles about it?
I know many super Tznius girls who are single and waiting for too many years….
tzinius is the main mitzvah for girls.
True most of my older single friends are fully tznius it’s the ones that are not that are either married or going on marriage number two.
You bring up a very important and valid point regarding the importance and value of Tznuis. However, that is not the reason why so many girls are single. What does that say to all the single girls who are Tznuis and are waiting for their Bashert? What does that say about those who are lacking in Tznuis and yet still got married at a younger age? Shidduchim and every other challenge in life is all from Hashem. As humans we try to find excuses and rationalize our struggles so it makes sense in our limited minds. Hashem is in control… Read more »
What you’re addressing is only to those who unfortunately aren’t strong with tznius. But for those who are, what are you going to say is the problem? They have tznius down pat, so what’s the problem for them? What do you have to say?
We will find another problem with them
i like your sense of humor.
Thank you for telling the truth.
Many are the people who follow the madding crowd, too weak-willed to stand up and be the first of their friends to strengthen this Mitzva.
Treating tznius like a shmatta equals treating the future like a tarnished diamond. Makes no sense to do that.
Diamonds don’t tarnish 😉
But Lubavitch is large and there are ALL types, including many top girls (arguably higher level than your sons) who are waiting and suffering from these generalizations that perhaps worked in years.
Again, “Lubavitch” today is very large and very diverse and blanket statements won’t ever apply.
(of course I am not judging you and didn’t realize this myself until I returned to crown heights from my own shlichus)
To all shluchos including the writer of this letter. The days of raising (or starting to raise) children on shlichus and sending them to join the “community” are unfortunately over. Shluchim themselves need to be involved in the Lubavitch community. There’s not so bad, with the benefit that their children will have, so will everybody else. Try to imagine the benefits of all these talented shluchim and shluchos contributing to our internal Lubavitch community? The results will be beyond imagination! So to the shlucha writing this letter, you aren’t getting involved to help others, you are getting involved to save… Read more »
Why blame the CH community for tznius problems? Maybe it started with shluchim daughters raised in modern day schools bringing their outside influence to our CH?!?!?
Look in the mirror ……
There was a rabbi that blamed the Jews of Europe for the holocaust
The rebbe was the exact opposite
We don’t have a tsnius crisis we have a crisis of people who post articles here that are totally clueless of the rebbe’s approach to fellow Jews
No one is saying that chas vesholom this is the reason why people are not finding their shiduchim as a punishment. Rather it’s another reason why people can have a hard time, we need to make our keli and hashem will do his.
Lower standards in tznius has nothing to do with the shidduch “crisis” (crisis is a negative horrible word to use, and should not be used)
I know Tznius and non Tznius girls/women who aren’t interested in marring a broke guys.
If you aren’t wealthy start Shidduchem early and hopefully your ambition will be enough.
For the broke Men and Women out there. Are you ready to struggle together or not?
This is gold!
Chabad girls (the vast majority) are kind, capable, talented, intelligent, gracious, genuine people! And beautiful too!
Don’t put down girls, please.
Imagine how many single girls are being hurt by reading this article.
The tznius girls and the not tznius girls.
Each person has the person that’s fit for them.
There are plenty of other mitzvos/areas of yiddishkeit where some people struggle.
Yet. For every person bezH there is a match.
What is the connection between tznius and the shidduch crisis? If your son find tznius important, he will find a tznius girl. If your son does not see the need for high tznius standards, he will get a girl on that level. To say the shidduch crisis is because of the tznius levels or lack there of is so out of touch. Is there a very real tznius problem in our community? YES 100%. But what does that have to do with shidduchim? I know plenty of “older girls” who have higher tznius standards than me and I’m married 10+… Read more »
I know PLENTY of tznius women in their 20s!
There has always been a Tznius crisis within the greater Jewish community. The so called Shidduch crisis is non existent. The term was invented by frum people and so it applies only to frum people. The problem is that Tznius is equated with a level of religious observance. So Tznius people without the appearance of religious observance are automatically and categorically rejected by frum people. That’s why I say there is no shidduch crisis, only a crisis of closed minds and closed hearts. By the worst part of this is that frum people who discard Tznius (let’s call them hypocrites)… Read more »
I think this is a total embarrassment to even be posting this article. Yes, tznius is a major issue in our community which must be addressed before it continues to get out of hand even further, but conflating or even linking it to the shidduch crisis is immature and ill informed. Let us as a community continue to address the higher rate of older singles and do what we canto facilitate more engagements in an appropriate way and let us also separately address the tznius issue. ONE THING AT A TIME!
The tznius issue has nothing to do with the shidduch crisis. Logically, men and woman with high tznius standards can date each other just like there are many men and woman who are chilled with their tznius can date each other. Also, there really isnt a tznius crisis. If so, than there are many crisis going on since many people watch TV shows and listen to radio music but dress tznius. Being that this topic is already brought up , what always bothers me is that tznius in woman is always written about but never once did I see an… Read more »
The Rebbe says that the crown of all the midos is tsnius When a girl is tsnius, she actually has all the other good midos Tsnius is the crown of the Jewish people For every minute a girl is tsnius, she has a reward just like every minute a boy learns Torah When a girl does not keep kashrus, Shabbos ch”v , it is actually between her and Hashem. But when a girl does not observe the laws of tsnius, it is not only between her and Hashem but it is between her and every one who is going to… Read more »
The definition of tznius varies!
As much as the “tznius crisis” is a problem, I do not see how tznius has such a big effect on compared to other issues. As many people have already pointed out, less tznius women will attract less tznius men, and more tznius will attract more tznius. A more clear root cause is clearly the fact that women/girls tend to be more educated and passionate about Torah and secular subjects. I personally believe that a bigger issue is the fact that there are way more women that go to college and get degrees than men. This is not to say… Read more »
Tsnius is part of the process of kidushim
True even from a practical standpoint. I reject many shidduchim because unfortunately many girls are not tzniyus according to basic Halacha. I’m a frum Jew, I’m not going to date a girl who doesn’t keep Halacha just like I don’t date non religious Jewish girls. If you don’t keep the halachic guidelines of tzniyus dress are you frum? If a bochur doesn’t put on tefillin is he still frum?
isn’t tzinius, but are you open to resumes that don’t have a picture? Tell the matchmaker that.
I’ve gotten many reference calls for friends and I’m always asked if the girl dresses tznius. Nothing to do with pictures on resumes.
I have no clue whether what it says in this article is true, but boy am I happy that the issue of tznius is being brought up. ITS JUST CRAZY WHATS GOING ON!!!!!!!! Pls let there be a follow up!!! Thank you again
Except one of the biggest parts of the shidduch problem exists in the “extra” chassidish spaces. There are way more very chassidish tznius women and girls than there are available very chassidish capable serious bochurim keeping seder in 770 (or having a job in a yeshiva etc.)… It is the very chassidish women (especially if they are not gezh) being told to drop their standards and goals for a life of chinuch or shlichus so they could be set up with someone a bit more “chill” or a working bochur. And if you’re talking outside this space, “regular” girls still… Read more »
That’s exactly my issue. Where are the 30-39 Chassidishe bochurim who don’t watch movies etc., dress in B/W, keep Seder, and want to go out on Shlichus.
I have degrees, a nice job, come from a well-know family, am tall and pretty, super super-tznius and a great personality, but the name is get are few and far between.
Same for a lot of my friends.
movies.
quit your stupid movies NOW.
I don’t understand this article. Ive been to many an engagement party today where Kala wasn’t exactly tznius. honestly I believe that the boys and girls are just too picky. That perspective is what causes “the shidduch crisis” don’t be picky and watch you will get married before you know it. All the guys I know that are single have been on way too many dates with too many different women. Gd makes the Shidduch not you. So don’t be picky if you want gd to put you with your zivug!! Or be picky and try being gd see how… Read more »
Waiting for millions of comments on this article…
Everything’s a crisis nowadays. Maybe. But then it’s not a crisis, since everything is relative. There are more people who identify as chabad today, than ever. That means there are more singles today than ever. More single males. More single females. It’s simple procreation plus more shluchim, more mekuravim. The there’s the internet which has raised a generation. More people know more about things than ever. Love. Fashion. Divorce. Empowerment. Agency. Then there’s a generation of after 3 Tammux. That certainly upends things. So, no, it’s not just tznius, dear Rivka. It’s everything of the last 30 years. You’ve got… Read more »
Thank you
The shidduch crisis is very real, and has nothing to do with tznius. Here is the real issue; After ww2 Jews have been growing in population. And in Lubavitch, like in many others communities, when couples get married, the boy is usually older than the girl.
There can be a tsnius crisis, sure. But what the heck does that have to do with people staying single?
I’ve seen this countless times- people try to come up with reasons as to why somebody is single because it just ‘can’t be accepted’ that it’s up to Hashem. I know it’s tempting to feel like we have a sense control as to say why this crisis is happening but reality, this article is just is so not helpful and we’re in hashem’s timeline. Ugh
Instead on focusing on what ‘we can fix’ about our girls (who are so amazing btw) how about an article addressing the issues with the guys (not working, lazying around etc) and calling out their non tsnius ways. Lol
What does tznius have to do with the shidduch crisis?
Some girls arent tznius and are happily married to boys with similar values. And some very tznius girls are single for years..
Are you saying its our communal spiritual punishment? Im not sure you are in a position to come to such a conclusion?
Respectfully, an article about tznius would be better accepted if it stood alone rather than connecting it to the shidduch crisis. Any connection or causation would be hard to prove and this article doesn’t really expand much on reasoning or practical solutions. A waste of an article.
Tznius in dress is one thing, and tznius in thoughts and what one sees and hears are something else, which can have a much bigger impact on a marriage. Unfortunately, just dressing the part doesn’t necessarily mean tznius is being followed in other areas of life. Too many situations where white shirts and dark pants does not equal tznius in other areas. This article oversimplifies a problem by pointing out girls’ tznius. And also…. I see many Tznius girls who are still single as they haven’t yet found boys who match up to their standards. The author seems to be… Read more »
As a mom in the trenches this is the one main reason I say no to shidduch for my sons. Before picking up the phone even. When I find a picture or even given one with the resume and I see a low neckline it’s an immediate no. She maybe amazing and wonderful I will not make a call. If I find pictures of the girls mother and see that her tznius is lacking I also say no because what kind of chinuch did she give her daughter? Tznius is the very very basic foundation for a chassidishe wife and… Read more »
plenty of frum girls whose mother’s are not frum.
according to your flawed logic, your daughters learned slander from you, who just slandered all frum girls who dress tzinius who have a mother who has a lower neckline????? So should all mothers reject your kids’ resumes for having a slanderous mother?
I never slandered anyone. If the mother is not frum that’s a different story. I’m talking about lubavitch frum women.
I’m not talking to anyone about them not even to the child in shidduchim.
I’m pointing out the general lack of tznius and how that is the very basic.
I’m not sure why you think I’m slandering I’m pointing out a fact without naming anyone.
You don’t need to like facts but that’s what a deal with as a mother.
entire group of people. Which is worse than slandering just 1 person! You are FFB and you don’t even know the lashon hara laws? For being FFB you should know them all perfectly!
Agree totally!
A picture speaks louder that words, is 100% accurate! It tells a story. And, the story is more than just the lack of attention to tznius.
I’m not sure you realize how right you are!
My sisters are more tznius than our mother and it’s always been this way.
Shame to think about that bochur and his mother would reject them based on how their mother dresses. so irrelevant.
There’s nothing slanderous about this. There are schools who won’t accept the daughters on women who don’t keep tznius. The non tznius mother will be your grandchildren’s grandmother and its okay to not be okay with that.
OTOH, sometimes a girl has had to swim against the tide and would not want her mother’s attitude to affect her children.
and that is UNACCEPTABLE about the schools not accepting.
Your comment and realizing that people in the community have this opinion makes me appreciate the schools and yeshivas in crown heights even so much more, that they accept a child not based on the child’s parents. It is indeed the rebbes way and the rebbes moisdois are in line with those values.
even after someone TELLS you it’s slander!
So so agree with you! Tznius brings so much Brocho on the home. I cannot count how many times I’ve been assured that a girl is a hundred per cent Tznius but seeing her with a skirt or neckline that’s just past borderline, is just crazy
I would love to have you as a shvigger.
I also want her as a shvigger. How can we work this out peacefully?
So Rivka Imenu would not be good enough either?
If you’re going to judge someone’s clothing choices of their mother then I think you really got the wrong idea on what being an adult is . Legitimately look at how people make clothing decisions and I bet it won’t usually based on mommy’s choice. I wish that we as a community would stop solely blaming mothers for their daughters decisions especially once they are old enough for marriage
Tznius and being frum means dont judge a girl by her mother. In fact,a girl who chooses tznius when her mother does not is genuine
Exactly!
Good luck marrying off your son ❤️👍
“Tznius” is a very broad term. What aspect of Tznius is the author bemoaning? This is not made clear at all.
Hi I think it comes down to let’s put tznius a side I have three boys bh that went through the system scraped the system 😆 But bh came out with white shirts hats jackets etc But don’t want to sit and learn they want to do work but the problem is not like the girls who have training from a to z for whatever profession they choose The joys have absolutely nothing no regent’s no bagruts no GCSE nothing this is the problem they need to have skills to provide for there family and plus to keep them on… Read more »
There is a match for every child .. no
Matter their current level of Tzniut .. no matter their current stage or place in life’s journey … not everyone has to reach ur level of modesty .. they have to be comfortable with their own before they upgrade or improve … marriages are based on confident people in their own skin they make the best partners to grow and improve with together ..,may all singles find their intended match ! Amen
A more judgemental article has yet to be written. So not our way.
I’m on Shlichus – my girls dress tznius and I absolutely don’t understand the need of pointing fingers of people struggling with a particular mitzvah.
Let’s all work on ahavas isroel and suggest one name for a single we know this week!
I have to disagree. The older single women that I am friends with 34/35 are such kind caring good girls. At that age if they’re still single it’s often because they just can’t find a guy who wants to settle and build a home. The men are dealing with commitment issues.
in shidduchim you need to marry a girl who when in public dresses covering to her ankles and wrists. Not wearing a long fashion wig. Not showing her elbows and knees. Not wearing red. Don’t lose your olam haba.
While i believe that the open ed is wrong by putting the blame on tznius, as if this is the KEY factor, I do believe that the crisis is about less young men and women willing to take the great leap of getting married. it is a big step, its not easy, and I believe that it is a matter of choice; way too many young men and women lean on a failed system. You want to get married? take action. find your bashert on your own if the system have failed you. Marriage is a mitzva, and the path… Read more »
are you going to tell their husbands to divorce them if they won’t become tzinius? Then the husband can marry a tzinius girl instead?
makes it innately harder to actually get married in this society, than the nature of nontzinius girls, simply due to the fact that being tzinius is about not attracting attention and not putting yourself out there. Being private. So what needs to happen is boys need to ONLY marry tzinius girls, and shadchan need to match the best boys with the tzinius girls. And don’t push a girl to have a picture. Boys need to stop rejecting girls due to appearances or weight.
men need to stop caring about looks, weight, and the like. Same thing for the matchmakers.
Exactly- hyperfocus on weight and looks on externals is the opposite of a Tznius outlook on life.
facebook and instagram. So if a girl has those that’s a problem. Boys should be looking for girls who don’t have those.
Shluchim need it for people to find them and to communicate. This is healthy shluchim with good standards. Some girls use instagram for business enterprises. The question is do they then look up a lot of other people’s instagrams not l’toelis?
and the original comment stands true. shluchim do NOT need it and should nOT have it. girls with business do NOT need it either.
I agree that people who leave an unflattering online trail take a chance of being rejected.
It’s the most frum girls that are left hanging.
The more fun girls /regular /less tznius have been having an easier time.
I don’t think we’ll ever be able to find an explanation for this issue other than Hashem
So don’t reward a broken system with your continued patronage.
Please explain how we can do that?
men need better values
men need to select tzinius girls as top priority
shadchanim need to match tzinius girls as top priority. above all else.
Each person finds what they like 💟 i wish the best for anyone
I was a very Chassidishe girl and had a very hard time with Shidduchim
Are you still chasidish or did you compromise your standards?
thank you for saying what needs to be said…yet there is a root to this problem that no one wants to say, talk about or think…the Rebbe told us all what to do to have a Rov….so many of our brothers and sister go on line to learn how to live their lives…..now we are all in Elul let us reach out to the Almighty to bless us all as one, to protect us from the storm and let us see the blessings of our children growing in the ways of Torah and Chasidicite….and such…
step up. Be better. Be more frum. Be better with middos.
The good in tznius girls who are strict are the ones suffering and not finding their match. The girls who care less about it are meeting their own guys and it’s working out for them unless you are saying that from a spiritual perspective, the good girls are being punished for the actions of the others. But if you know what’s going on on the ground, you will see that it’s just the opposite. Even if you were trying to make a connection, you haven’t succeeded in explaining or clarifying it because it doesn’t make much sense what you wrote
I’m a chasidishe married guy and I honestly don’t see why good chasidishe girls and bochurim need shadchanim.
They have nothing positive to bring to the table.
These are girls (and boys) who won’t ch”v do anything wrong anyway. So why is it important if they network and ask around without the “Almighty” shadchon?
On the other hand, girls and boys who struggle with frumkeit would fool around unfortunately even with a shadchon
Thank you!!
Reading this article left me stunned—not because of the pain of the Shidduch struggle (which is real and heartbreaking), but because of the misplaced blame. To point a finger at our daughters, the very ones who are holding up the backbone of our communities, is not only condescending, it is unfair. Our girls are the ones working hard, getting educated, supporting families, and helping in Chabad Houses across the world. They show up with dedication, responsibility, and inner strength. They are the ones living with modesty—not just in dress, but in commitment, in sacrifice, and in the way they carry… Read more »
up your level. Be better.
Should also challenge the culture of remaining only within gheze / Ashkenazim.
Another naive attempt at explaining g-ds plan to her children. lol A woman sits around pointing out the flaws of others instead of strengthening her relationship and trust in g-d that his plan and timeline for her children are for the best. I always found it funny when the older generation who is so shook and hurt by the younger generation say things like this. you guys pride yourself on being sooooo frum. Yet when faced with a challenge (such as your son isn’t married at 23 -Oyy!) you can’t just trust hashem. You need to start measuring girls skirt… Read more »
Don’t forget exposed wrists. Lol
The Shidduch crisis is big in various communities be it yeshivash Lakewood types,modern orthodox Long Island type and in Israel as well. In the chassidish Satmar types they marry off girls by 18. They also have 18 year old boys marrying 21 year old girls. The secret to getting girls married is not to wait. Also in litvish world a girl wastes a year in seminary in Israel. Marry your kids off young. Before they get too smart and picky. The Torah say 18 to the chupah.
Marry them.youmg while they are not smart? Sure, that’s a recipe for success…
I do not dress tznius. I am married to the most amazing guy. We have a fully frum home together and talk about our trust and relationship with hashem all the time. We push each other to be better. I feel like I am in one of the best marriages there could possibly be. Genuinely. Tznius is something that is between me and god and my husband respects the journey I am not because he is mature enough to know that we all are at different places in life and just because my struggle is external doesn’t make it worse… Read more »
your tzinus issues is the problem of all people in CH.
when you walk around not tznius it hurts my eyes and you get all the bachurim in CH to get distracted
I am a shliach. Please listen to me.
I don’t like the way the tznius looks in crown heights any more than you do.
But please don’t blame these women and girls. They are graduates of OUR OWN chinuch system.
Nothing more to be said.
You are not fully frum if you don’t keep tznius
Because I soooo could have written this
It’s not up to us to pick and choose.
If you’d be smoking on Shabbos, would it be ok? If you’d turn on a switch or shop on Shabbos, would that be ok because it’s between you and Hashem?
Seriously, like its okay to struggle but stop living in denial.
B”H
The hardship that the younger generation is going through, my generation didn’t know if 30 years ago. The tests today are different than they were 30 years ago.
Why don’t we just be kind and stop judging everyone and just look in are own mirrors.
The only thing that will help is kindness and less judgment.
You’ll be surprised if you knew how far kindness can go. This generation drinks it like water in a desert.
May Hashem help all of us.
Moshiach now!
its very obvious its a shiduch crises just due the…..math….
if there is 120 boys and girls the age of 23,and 150 boys and girls the age of 21,
due to the fact that girls usually marry someone older, so if there is only 120 boys for that age group you are left with……. you got 30 girls.
and so on and so forth…. the math is simply mathing.
thank you for your attention to this matter
we should be zoche for everyone to find a shiduch bekorov mamash
Yes
Rivkah, perhaps see the bright side?
If you have sons, at least these so called shadchanim aren’t stuffing you with names that don’t make any sense several times a day.
Years ago we met without a resume. When we met we saw how the other person looked as the standards and character of the person is what we looked for. No one judged meeting someone for the 1st time based on looks. No resume. You met and talked and got to know each other to see if you were suited. You didnt go out many times either before getting engaged. This way everyone got an equal chance. Many people would never be married today if they met with the resume system and would be immediately turned down. I saw a… Read more »
I hope many more people will already realize what a setback resumes are! It many be convenient for those handling many names. But its
definitely a disadvantage for many. Its time to drop that idea. Ask questions and see the person and be impressed rather than trying to match up papers. May Hashem all that need shidduchim easily.
Especially since many are not truthful on resumes especially regarding religiosity or family background
Typo correction:
I hope many more people will already realize what a setback
resumes are! It may be convenient for those handling many names. But its definitely a disadvantage for many boys/girls
searching for shidduchim. Its time to use the good old fashion way. Ask questions, see the person, and be impressed rather
than trying to match up papers. May Hashem help all those who need shidduchim, easily.
Sometimes a girl who doesn’t totally adhere to the laws of tznius expects to marry a totally observant boy and that may make it harder for her to find a shidduch but I agree with those who say that there’s more to it than that.
These girls want regular guys. Even if the girls don’t look the part.
People want lots of things but in shidduchim, both sides have to want each other.
to frumMatch
then allow any good frum jew to join the database.
This will help a lot. Make extra efforts to expand the database of men.
Chabadmatch is a catalogue site to look up suggestions you get. “I want the guy or girls from the secret list” is what most older singles say. And when someone who wasn’t on Chabadmatch gets engaged (and they’re considered quality), The Chabadmatch customer base wants to know how to get on that list. So forget the list, when you are on a list you get treated like spam. Instead over shabbos and Yom Tov have discussions with friends and family about guys and girls and see if you are willing to give something a try. Sukkos (for those that don’t… Read more »
i will have to non respectfully disagree, if anything now day’s i would feel like maybe being tznius is a disadvantage, due to the accessibility of movies….i feel like bachurim are not that makpid, and loi alainu maybe look for less tznius girls.
because they force all women to submit a picture to join. Which is against halacha. If you are a rabbi and reading this, contact them and forcibly shut them down.
I do agree that tznius is an issue but let’s not put everything on the girls. As a girl who does try my best to always dress tznius, I have the same problom finding good chassidish boys. Every guys name that comes up, listens to non Jewish music and watches movies. I speak to my very chassidish friends and some of them have given up finding someone who doesn’t. And obviously I’m sure there are great guys who don’t listen to non Jewish music but I really think it’s equivalent to the girls who don’t dress tznius. These are boys… Read more »
it’s forbidden to listen to non jewish music? hello boys?? wake up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! your olam haba is at stake here.
It’s very simple. We have a Shidduch crisis—let’s do the math.
If there are 120 boys and girls at age 23, and 100 boys and girls at age 21, we run into a problem. Since girls usually marry someone a bit older, the 120 girls (age 21) are looking to marry the 100 boys (age 23).
Do the math: 120 girls for 100 boys means 20 girls are left without a match.
Simple math. The math is math-ing.
Thank you for your attention to this matter.
you by mistake wrote 120 by 23 and 100 by 21…..(the first time)
but your 100% correct
Thank you for the valuable article. It’s an important topic that needs to be brought up. However, it’s very “litvish gadol hador” of you to decide what’s going to be a ruchnius solution all on your own. I’m regards to tznius, as someone who grew up outside the community and then came to Crown Heights as an adult, I can say one of the biggest issues is the peer pressure. Everyone else is doing it, so tznius is nerdy and uncommon. In other communities, the norm is tznius. Additionally, if there is some kind of vaad of Crown Heights, they… Read more »
that so called modest stores sell nontzinius clothing. Unacceptable. So hard to find real tzinius clothing.
If you want tznius, shop outside of CH. Even the 5Towns has better options!
Five towns seems like it is meah sha:arim compared to crown heights!
While frum stores shouldn’t sell untzinius clothes, who’s to say that the clothes were purchased in Crown Heights?
I go there. Everything is tznius.
I don’t shop in the store you mentioned. I don’t want to patronize such a store and I’ve made comments a few times about the miniskirts and short sleeves in the window.
the website?
The girls who struggle with tznius have an advantage in shidduchim. They are more likely to be comfortable in mixed settings and meeting boys and dating on their own while the more chassidish girls are stuck sitting reaching out to shadchanim who never call back or give them the time of day
this is so so true
This is true. And im saying this from the girl who is more comfortable in mixed settings and meeting and dating boys on my own and struggle with tznuis. It’s true. And I feel bad. But maybe this is way is the only way or better way? Obviously the alternative is going nowhere. Hopefully there will be a solution..
I met my husband 20 years ago in CH. We both were from OOT in town for a week, we actually only lived 20 minutes away from each other. Had we technically followed the rules, we would not be married today. Everyone likes hearing our origin story, how we just met in the streets. But it’s true and it worked for us. He had a shlichus background, and I’m a BT, we would have never been set up. Not saying this is the right way to go about doing things, but I know many people who were set up properly… Read more »
Kol Hakovod to you!
Those shadchanim should not be called that!
I mean there’s definitely an element of lack of tznius likely contributing to the the large number of singles (I refuse to call it a crisis because I think that’s a shortsighted narrow, not to mention inaccurate and dramatic generalization) but not necessarily in the way this article wants to suggest. Lack of tznius in shidduchim looks more like, profile photos not only becoming standard but the first thing people ask for, before even a profile. It looks like people discussing their dates with their single friends or even using them as sources of advice and guidance. It looks like… Read more »
of the engaged couple online on engagement sites and instagram
It has nothing to do with Tznius. It’s the parents that interfere. Chabad but modern girls who the parents at times don’t know what they get up to and meets a guy who has similar values to the girl. Parents say no as they want someone chashuv.
I ask that parents keep out. You allow them to go on vacation by themselves, vote and drive and drink alcohol. Why don’t you allow them to find their shidduch themselves.
noone is addressing the real & true issue Ise tznious I understand but the bigger problem than no one dares to say but everyone knows is true problem is identity , & ego manyffb LFB families will not dare not even consider soemone whois not like them someone who is a B.t even if for many years someone who is not from a prominent family.Even weorse if one or the otheris divorced ofr whateverreason& even among older sinlges There is thehuge problemof Lashon Harah &Rechilus.Let’s not ofrget aboutthe false issueof Yechi or not AS If You claim to be a… Read more »
No one is perfect, I have seen girls struggling with tznius, but the care and love they have to others is way more then some top chasidish.. how about education and tools for a good marriage??? Our system just doesn’t offer that. So we are busy looking at other people we can blame. אבל אשמים אנחנו We have stressed tznius waaaaay to much I heard my 9 yesterday old daughter telling my 6 year old that she must put her hair in a pony because of tznius, even though she doesn’t understand it.. We keep trying to fix symptoms. Because… Read more »
. I don’t think it’s guys telling there mom the girl isn’t Tznuis. It might be a mother like this author who refuses to ALLOW her son to go out with someone not tznius. Stop blaming singles for being single! Look inward on why you think Tznius is the defining factor in a women. Can we Stop talking about women bodies- that’s not tznius
The conversation has to be had! Obviously in a sensitive and authentic manner. But it has to be had. Saying that the conversation isn’t tznius doesn’t get anyone anywhere. And what do you mean “blaming singles for being single?” Regardless of your relationship status you need to follow Shulchan Aruch. Your post is an emotional response to, admittedly and emotionally charged topic. I am sure you can think about things more level-headed if you allow yourself to. The writer (which I don’t agree with regarding the shidduch crises being because of tznius btw) is saying that a strong foundation of… Read more »
Tznuis is about dress but what’s never discussed is though, speech and body language. And that is more detrimental then clothes. Why should someone be encouraged to dress tznuis when the speech is foul, the body language is horrific and the thoughts is going even outside of themselves which are revolting! It’s just not going to go.
They will find someone like that too. Period.
It is harmful to place blame on women. You never know the reason Hashem makes the choices that he does.
You can have an issue with tsnius, but to put fault on the young women in the community is insulting.
Simple as that. Tznius, by men and women, is a reflection of a person’s Yiras Shamayim. I have yet to meet a person who would be called a Baal or Baalas Yiras Shamayim and is outwardly dressing and behaving contrary to Halacha. It is simply a contradiction in terms. Men and bochurim: learn hilchos tznius, close your buttons, loosen your pants, be careful with Shmiras Einyaim in a serious way, be koveia itim l’torah and be medakdek in shulchan aruch and mehader in mitzvos Women and girls, same goes for you! We can;t identify as chassidim without the behavior to… Read more »
Chabad girls are the most tznius of anyone.
We are real
Many ppl are completely full of non tznius thoughts and loshon hara, full of tuma, but have a long skirt.
Or a beard and white shirt and smicha
But also not true. Don’t denounce the amazing tznius being kept by non lubavitchers who are literally better at dressing tzniusly than chabad. Quit coping and putting down other jews who are as well a chelek elokai mamash. Quick to protect fellow lubavitchers but pounce on everyone that doesn’t learn chabad chasidus
Have you ever thought about why women seem to have become less tznius over time? Could it be that framing tznius as an all-or-nothing issue in the education system creates negative associations that carry into adulthood? Instead of making girls feel ashamed in school for not following every chumra, what if the focus were on presenting tznius as empowering and individualized? That way, more women might find it personally meaningful later in life. Blaming single women for not getting a shidduch because they wear red or skip leggings doesn’t make them more tznius, it just reinforced the same phenomon that… Read more »
Right message, wrong presentation. The Modern Orthodox community in America and the Dati Leumi community in Israel do not have the same “shidduch crises” as the chareidi communities (Chabad included). Al pi teva this is because their is less separation between boys and girls in their communities. While we obviously don’t take their path in lifestyle, there is what to be learned from their attitudes towards the opposite gender. Their exposure allows them to be less petty and more authentic in their approach to a lasting relationship (Of course we need to take a different approach, but hopefully we can… Read more »
and “orthodox” schools that claim to be frum yet have mixed gender classes, and forcibly get them to stop doing mixed gender classes. Unacceptable to have mixed gender high schools!!!!!!!!!!!
Dunno what is going on in the USA, who are modern orthodox girls marrying.
In Europe, UK and for sure Israel dati boys and even more dati girls have major crisis of finding ‘bechirat libam’
The men practice sharia and blame the women just like Muslims
Crown height stores and stealing from the people
The people
In crown height are treating others disgustingly
There are many big problems here and I leaders
Everyone likes to talk about achdus and moshiach but no one want to practice
Shame shame shame
enough of blaming ourselves for everything
recently there was a published farbrengen of the Rebbe saying , we shouldn’t knock yidden
The author believes the ever-lowering tznius standards are a bad thing (they are), and it especially bothers her because of how hard she worked to maintain her standards. Now her sons are in Shidduchim, and she’s being redt names of girls she feels she must reject because of their lower tznius standards. Therefore, she believes that the Shidduch crisis stems from the tznius crisis.
Welcome to Lubavitch post 1994.
We Relly need to revamp the tznius police.
Why are people so delulu.
Next were going to blame it on bachurim talking in middle of davening, will we need to open a davening police force.
BH
Tznius crisis is real.
Shidduch crisis is real.
Although these 2 crises sometimes overlap, they are definitely 2 separate crises.
The anonymous author (correctly) writes about the lack of courage to address tznius problems. By remaining anonymous, the author seems to be displaying that same lack of courage.
🙂
B”H
We are all hurting, but judging others will never help the problem.
We have to be kind. Don’t continue the cycle of hurting others.
The only thing that will make you feel better is being kind. Try it.
I think you will like the feeling.
I remember yrs ago the rebbe forbade anyone from a chabad family going to college. I was there when a friend of mine went up to the rebbe at the womens convention when all of us were allowed to give a letter and he spoke to us individually. She went to ask the rebbe about touro college and the rebbe said no. But for me and my friends who are baalei tshuva he said we should go to stern college. College can really change peoples values and have people turn down good shidduchim who didnt have college degrees. We had… Read more »
Resumes are not very helpful and should be optional and not expected!
This is Insulting to many older single girls who are unmarried. Many who are beautiful and Tznius. The real problem is that there is too much talking behind the scenes, of people who are trying to do good, but end up spreading lots of loshon hora. Please don’t be that person.
people who are trying to do good, but end up spreading lots of loshon hora
Thank you COL for being at the forefront of the struggle to safeguard our tznius standards!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
There is a shidduch crisis, and it is because of mothers (of sons) like you. I think that if we as a community stopped blaming each other, we can actually work on shidduchim. You can have issues with tznious in the community but you cannot blame girls for being single because of the “lack of it”
It quite the contrary…
I do of course agree tznius must be a priority in all Jewish communities. It brings blessings for sure. But I dont think that is the main reason for the so called shidduch crisis. I really believe all of these problems today, including problems with finding shidduchim, is because we are still in galus and we dont have Moshiach yet. We have to increase our prayers and our efforts to bring geula. There are many problems now ….the birthpangs of Moshiach.
guess what, my husband and I got married at 20 with no struggle to find each other and i’m not strict with tznius. and you know what else? i don’t want to match any of my frum single friends with any guy I know (at least 20 of them) because none of THEM are frum enough for my friends. stop blaming girls for choosing their own path and choosing not to be a sheep like you.
This whole argument is just another excuse to put the blame on girls. Too often it is the boys and their parents who refuse to rise to the same standard of tznius, which is more than just dress, and who care more about a picture than about values. We cannot play Hashem, and we do not know why someone has to wait for their match. But every person has their match, and it will come at the right time with someone on their own level. Meanwhile, too many boys are bumming around while the girls are the ones studying, working,… Read more »
How can you come to crown heights, the rebbes shechona and accuse people of not being Tznit since the wife and children of most of sheluchim dont keep the mitzva of being Tzniot? it reminds me of The Islamic Regim in Iran that every time that something goes wrong with the society , they right a way connect it to the ladies that their hair is out and men see it.
Why would men look at another person’s wife or daughter? why can not control their nefesh behema?
100%
Who’s standard of Tznius? Boroough park has one standard, flatbush, another, willimasburg another, Yishuivm in isreal another, sefardim (frum) another, and sefardim (shomer shabbos ect) another. Five towns is another, monsey another, and upper west side another. I think you know not Tznius when you see it but stanadards are not the same across the world. Facts
At the same time the standard of OUR community is pretty clear cut. No one’s asking you to dress like you’re from boropark, satmar, five towns or any other community. We just need to hold up the standard of Crown heights. And not the unfortunate recent norm of “it’s fine to be not Tznius on Kingston avenue” attitude
Mah inyan Shmitah etzel Har Sinai?
Tznius standards years ago were much lower than today and everyone got married!! There is aYin for every Yan!! There are also people that think they are from the BESERE Mentchen! The problem is not Tznius!! It’s Gauve!
But the real problem is that The Satan is holding back Moshiach by keeping Babies from being born by keeping couples apart. We need to fight that ..not with Tznius Mussar, but with Ahavas Yisroel!!! Lets get off our high horses and recognize good shidduchim ideas!!!
I agree here
It’s not a Tznius problem… BH many well Tznius Girls are not yet married!)@.@.
My daughter is tznius. She values being tznius and also dresses beautifully. I would love if the author could explain why so many girls who are tznius are not being “grabbed up”, if the crisis is the lack of tznius girls.
The problem is the lack of tznius in boys. Physically, the boys may look a certain way but their worldview has definitely been tampered with via the Internet/movies. They are not looking for the tznius/good girls they want the type of girl that they see on the screen.
This problem is wrongfully pushed on girls, but it’s the boys whose internal values have changed. If more boys choose the tznius girls then the physical tznius issue would be solved faster.
Seems to me that profile pictures in a resume is what causes so many issues. Pictures don’t say anything!! You can’t even find out about a person for who they are anymore because we judge the pictures first….
We await salvation in many personal areas and beg Hashem for Moshiach Now! Maybe we need to stop and think of the possuk mentionקג in Dvurim 23, 15ף “Vhoyu Machanechu Kodesh… Vshov Machrechu” Your encampment should be holy and your nakedness shall not be seen for then I will need to retreat (H”y).” Even more, the possuk starts by telling us that when H’ is in our midst He will save us and turn the enemy over to us. Let’s invite the Shchinah into our homes and may he shower us with all the bruchos. Halevai that this will be… Read more »
Please attach ur perfects sons resume here we’d love to see them gem who’s still not married.
The boys that come up are waiting for their perfect tznius barbi doll when they are lacking so much! Let’s try to get our guys to be more emotional intelligent, heygenic, put together, hard working. And actually put effort in their lives before we start coming for the girls tznius and if a girl isn’t Tznius than she is just not for ur son and is far from ur problem.
It’s interesting that you didn’t mention your family name as the writer. You also left out that boys are very very picky when it comes to looks in girls … Yes tzniyus is a challenge for many girls but I don’t think that it is leading to a shidduch crisis, I think lack of honestly on resumes and lack of honest descriptions of who people are and what they are looking for is a bigger contributer.
boys need to step up. wake up. be way more frum. way more. quit all your tv, movies, goyish music, and internet abuse. way better middos. look for good girls, not girls who aren’t even frum.
I completely agree with the Tznius problem.
It’s very sad though that you think this problem only exists in Crown Heights.
This exists in many other places too.
Ever been to a college campus???
There’s a reason why we’re the shluchim on campus and not the students. Clearly we’re held up to a higher standard. At least that’s what I deduced from the facts at hand
instead of marry all the other countries. who are the USA girls going to marry? your soulmate is in your own backyard and you’re looking across the world?
When the Torah says that the husband is required to provide for his family? How many of these boys don’t have a plan for that and the girls end up needing a job AND raising kids at the same time, while their husbands either make not enough to live or are unemployed? How many of them let their wife take care of them instead of the other way around? The boys need to start looking for wives, not mothers.
It should be really simple all the girls that have let go of Modesty, even if it’s extreme or just a little should Only be looking for someone who has the exact same standards as them. So if you’re more modern find a shidduch with a boy, that’s more modern and Vice versa. It’s come to this point in life, where unfortunately a lot of frum Jews aren’t religious anymore. The only thing we can hope is that they still marry Jewish So instead of trying to make them more religious, Let’s try to find the match that is On… Read more »
Thank you for being rational!
Oh yes! Let’s completely blame girls for not being ready to build a Jewish home based on their way of dress, but no mention of the boys who secretly hook up with multiple girls and then don’t mention their impropriety to the girls they date and marry!
I disagree as a girl living in crown heights if your children are the way you wanted them to be you have no right to comment on someone elses life and struggles you obv never struggled with tznius to the point where you hate yourself and your body. So instead of complaining why dont you thank hashem that he didnt give you those struggles and just bc someone lacks in tznius doesn’t make them a bad person or worth anything less. Everyone is Hashems daughter and her struggles are between her and Hashem not you and her so stop commenting… Read more »
The shidduch crisis does not have to do with girls tznius. So you are saying the appearance is the crisis. Common? Just cause a boy has a beard and a white shirt MEANS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!! I can go on and on. This article is so irrelevant. What I completely diskile is how you are making it sound that the boys are way more tznius and frum than the girls and that is just false. Please think before writing a article like this. STOP BLAMING THE GIRLS. LIKE ENOUGH!!!!!!! Next time write an article about what boys sit and watch. Thank… Read more »
Turns out girls that dont dress tznius tend to find there bashert themselves or quicker. What do you have to say about all the very tznius and frum girls that cant find a shidduch. This article makes me mad. Older singles tend to be VERY frum.
I’m reading this article and i’m like are we in the same community? Im chabad by the way. The tznius crisis is very much by girls and boys. I look at tznius way beyond the skirt. I’m waiting for your article about the boys. Lets go!! I actually think addictions are very detrimental to a marriage. I want to see your article.