By anonymous
I would like to share my personal story in the hope that I can bring some clarity to others who are going through a similar experience.
When I was going out with my wife, the process seemed completely smooth and straightforward. I was thrilled with everything I saw, enjoyed spending time with her, and felt whatever I thought I was supposed to feel. Everything was perfect.
Then things got a little more serious. We began speaking about the future. And I started getting nervous!
I thought it was just a passing thing but each time we tried speaking about commitment I became overwhelmed with anxiety and nerves.
I was overtaken by doubt.
How do I know for sure that she is the right one?
How do I know that I won’t change my mind later?
Time didn’t help me. Neither did speaking to parents, friends or my Mashpia. Feelings come and go and the whole thing was very confusing.
I was a basket case. I could not eat or sleep or breathe and I didn’t think I had any feelings left for this girl.
Someone I spoke to suggested that if I am feeling so anxious about this, perhaps she is not the right one after all.
I thank Hashem every day that I had enough self-awareness to realize that the problem was in me. I was paralyzed by fear from the prospect of making such a big decision on my own. It had nothing to do with the girl I was going out with. I realized that this was something I had to work out. And fast!
I made an appointment with a frum therapist who came highly recommended. We spoke for an hour. He asked me if I had any fears associated with marriage. I did not.
He nailed it down to anxiety. Plain and simple. You are afraid of making such a huge decision and are feeling anxiety as a result. And you are allowing this anxiety to grow and overtake you until you feel nothing else.
He helped me realized that everything was OK with the shidduch. That it was right and good and healthy. That all my feelings were normal. And that getting engaged would be the right and responsible thing to do right now.
He helped me understand that it’s OK to be nervous and that doesn’t mean that this is not the right one for me. Also, I had had a misconception that feelings would keep building up and climax with an engagement. I learned that for many this is not the case, as feelings fluctuate, but this does not mean there is something wrong.
Another point is that when one is very busy feeling anxious, or overwhelmed with indecision, one probably won’t have much emotional space left to have feelings for someone else.
Don’t get me wrong. I was still feeling nervous. But I had the clarity and understanding I needed to make the right decision and get engaged.
After getting engaged, and then married, I came across other friends and acquaintances who shared their engagement stories. I was shocked to hear how many people there are who are frozen in anxiety and indecision when there is in fact nothing wrong with the shidduch. These friends were lucky that they were led to a skilled or professional mentor or therapist who was able to help them take the plunge and make the right choice.
All of us are happily married and do not regret out choice for even a second.
What pains me is that there are too many who cannot get passed this hurdle. Who get frozen in the doubt/anxiety/fear and although they keep going out and meeting many people who could make wonderful spouses, they cannot bring themselves to take the plunge.
Parents and mentors,
Did your child or mushpa seem very happy with someone they met and then get stuck on the decision part?
Did a wonderful positive shidduch suddenly fall apart once there was talk of making a decision?
Please don’t just drop the shidduch! This problem will not probably not go away by itself! It will very likely reappear the next time your child is faced with making this decision.
Firstly, please don’t forget to be parents. Many parents are so overtaken by the fear of pushing their children that they refrain from advising them and reassuring them when everything is ok. Please help your children make this huge decision.
And if that doesn’t work, please get your children help!
There are experts out there who have helped bring countless young people to the chuppah!
We live in very confusing times but there are many people whose lives have been forever altered for the better because they got the right guidance at the right time.
Making the right choice is not always easy. But the outcome is well worth it!
Wishing everyone simchas only and always!
Elka Pinson is excellent and can offer help to those dealing with this.
What a beautifully written and well articulated article! Thank you for sharing. I like a girl very much, yet when she requested a serious commitment I got so nervous and I changed my mind many times until I broke it off. One mistake I realise now is that I did not seek guidance from the people closest in my life. I acted sure of myself, and I hurt both of us. The serious decisions in life are often filled with uncertainty and that uncertainty will bring along feelings of doubt. It is healthy to feel that way, it will make… Read more »
I relate to this article, and felt some comfort in reading it. I met a girl several months ago, someone who I got very close to, but I didn’t take the plunge.
I have learnt about anxiety, I have taken steps over the years, processed and progressed, but I still have a little bit of work to do.
May all those who need the strength and peace to get engaged be blessed with strength and peace.
And that’s part of the reality we’re dealing with today. Lots of older singles who are scared or looking for something unrealistic that doesn’t exist.
Elka pinson specializes in this area as well and has been extremely helpful to many going through similar experiences.
the topic of this article is people who are simply having a hard time making a decision, not when there are red flags that need to be dealt with. it is is exactly your speech that instills fear and doubt in the hearts of young people when there is no problem or red flag and getting engaged is right, because who knows what will be?? everybody already knows to be cautious when pushing a shidduch. Frankly i have a few friends who had broken engagements who all went on to get married and have happy lives. It is those who… Read more »
Yes, some people freeze when it comes to making a decision. My concern is what happens when the freeze, or cold feet, happens AFTER the shiduch is made? And for good reasons. Someone is pushed through the first crises, but after the lchayim finds out there really is something wrong – heretofore hidden serious medical or mental health issues- and has to break it off? This innocent victim of deceit is now written off the available list of bochrim / girls as someone with a broken shiduch past! And if they don’t break it off, is that better when they… Read more »
Seems like the writer’s situation was handled very well. If the anxiety is extreme (e.g. fainting, dissociation etc.), then there are more serious issues at hand and while they should preferably be addressed before dating, they should at least be addressed before getting engaged. It is unwise and unethical to subject the the other party to getting engaged and married to someone who has unspecified/undiagnosed/unaddressed serious issues. It’s a great idea for people dating to ask each other (closer to getting engaged) how the other is feeling about moving forward and if they are being pressured by anyone in any… Read more »
that was a very nice article in which i’m sure most people can apply
What’s even more hard is that when the Bachur or girl says no due to anxiety, the one being “rejected” so to speak feels that they were the one at fault and they become filled with insecurity and lack of confidence.. When in reality it’s not their fault at all 🙁
How to get the guys out of this rut? Even before there is anxiety, there are a lot of inner barriers…for every guy and girl it’s individual and different, but on a whole scale, this is the issue. For some it may be fear of commitment, fear of failed marriage and then divorce…. How do we get out of this? The guys are only getting older and ‘pickier’ and the girls are getting older as well. Some people, like this author, saught out help and took the plunge. But many don’t…very unfortunate. Also a reality on the girls side, but… Read more »
Search Google ROCD
This phenomenon is even after marriage
From all these article and from speaking to many who are happily married I find one common factor which slams in the face of common “single-people knowledge” (I know, I’ve been there). I don’t think there’s one single issue that needs to be addressed. Every person has their own needs, struggles and ability to overcome them. The one common factor is: we all expect to know when we’ve found THE one. Fact is, many of us happily married couples didn’t. We were nervous wrecks making a decision (slow is ok), getting engaged (sometimes you have to tell a few friends… Read more »
This seems much more common then previously thought…glad this is out in open and singles can face and deal with anxiety related shidduch.so tragic that so many suffer but with right guidance lives can move forward and get over this stumbling block..may there be many more simchas to come.
I am a professional therapist and I must say that this is so true! However the problem really begins when a 20 year old bachur does not start making his own decisions rather hanhala makes there decision for them, if a bachur starts when he is younger making his own decisions, he will have a easier time when it comes to shiduchim.
#a idea from a fly in 3a.
Thank you for sharing this informative and personal article. Unfortunately I know someone who dated a guy who experienced similar anxiety. However, without acknowledging the issue and going for help- the shidduch did not come about. I urge every friend, parent, and mashpia to bring this issue to the attention of the person dating and encourage him/her to get the necessary counseling. Only simchas!
Excellent article
great article. I am a shadchan from the neighborhood, and come across this exact thing pretty often.
if no red flags, and everything sounds great..help the poor kids along, and encourage them to move forward!! parents are too afraid to push, and the kids are afraid to make any decisions!!!
Dr. Nosson Solomon PsyD 718-377-1125
Dr. Sara Grozalsky PsyD 718-437-7315
This is an excellent article and encouraging. Is there a way we can get names of these therapists? Most of us feel lost and don’t know who to turn to for help or we are to embarrassed to ask around. This information would be so helpful to so many.
my story did not happen in NY.
However i have heard from four different people that Rabbi Manis Friedman helped them in this area.
I have also heard that there is a chabad therapist called Rabbi Daniel Shonbuch who has helped people with getting engaged.
The main thing is realizing that I was the one that had a problem/ challenge that i needed to work out.
Once someone is open to that, i believe any frum and competent therapist should be able to help.
Thank you so much for posting! This is the best article I’ve ever read about shidduchim
So many kids are struggling today; it is a very complex world we live in. Parents are also given conflicting advice; NEVER push, always guide, etc. If the writer would check with their therapist and ask permission to post the name (or anyone knowing a therapist who is very skilled and responsible in this area) it seem many people would be helped by that information.
A girl and went through the same thing. When things started getting serious I found myself running to bathroom stall at work trying to get myself to calm down and breath. I would around for day living in sips of tea and a vegetable, I tried to convince myself I was eating and relax myself that everything was fine. At a certain point I was so sick I couldn’t take it anymore and said I wasn’t interested in dating him anymore. I find myself pushing going out on dates bec I don’t want to go through this again. Occasionally I’ll… Read more »
The anxiety you’re talking about is so common these days. I hope your bravery in sharing your experience will encourage others to get the help they need to enter into wonderful, happy marriages!
thanks for expressing so well what I believe is a big issue and contributor to the so called “shidduch crisis”
A boy comes of an age where he knows it is expected of him to start looking for a shidduch. That in itself is not a good start.
Point well made and I just wanna add that it’s important to stress that ‘the right time’ to get the help and guidance is before starting dating. To be proactive not reactive.
Finally a very possible and practical piece on shidduchim.
Couldn’t have said it better! Boys and girls it’s most definitely tough but know your not alone. There’s people, professionals, out there who handle these things for breakfast. Do yourselves a favour and reach out (or in) trust me you’ll be glad you did so.
Much success
I understand posting anonymously but who is the therapist?
Can totally relate!