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Sunday, 21 Iyyar, 5779
  |  May 26, 2019

    It Wasn’t the Right One (Or Was It)

    From the COLlive inbox: A Lubavitcher who felt anxiety during the dating process hopes to give help those in a similar situation. Full Story

    The Rebbe’s Promise for a Child

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    great article!
    Guest
    great article!

    Can totally relate!

    Therapist
    Guest
    Therapist

    I understand posting anonymously but who is the therapist?

    Brilliant
    Guest
    Brilliant

    Finally a very possible and practical piece on shidduchim.
    Couldn’t have said it better! Boys and girls it’s most definitely tough but know your not alone. There’s people, professionals, out there who handle these things for breakfast. Do yourselves a favour and reach out (or in) trust me you’ll be glad you did so.
    Much success

    Before Dating
    Guest
    Before Dating

    Point well made and I just wanna add that it’s important to stress that ‘the right time’ to get the help and guidance is before starting dating. To be proactive not reactive.

    A given time
    Guest
    A given time

    A boy comes of an age where he knows it is expected of him to start looking for a shidduch. That in itself is not a good start.

    thanks
    Guest
    thanks

    thanks for expressing so well what I believe is a big issue and contributor to the so called “shidduch crisis”

    Thank you for sharing
    Guest
    Thank you for sharing

    The anxiety you’re talking about is so common these days. I hope your bravery in sharing your experience will encourage others to get the help they need to enter into wonderful, happy marriages!

    So true
    Guest
    So true

    A girl and went through the same thing. When things started getting serious I found myself running to bathroom stall at work trying to get myself to calm down and breath. I would around for day living in sips of tea and a vegetable, I tried to convince myself I was eating and relax myself that everything was fine. At a certain point I was so sick I couldn’t take it anymore and said I wasn’t interested in dating him anymore. I find myself pushing going out on dates bec I don’t want to go through this again. Occasionally I’ll… Read more »

    Therapist
    Guest
    Therapist

    So many kids are struggling today; it is a very complex world we live in. Parents are also given conflicting advice; NEVER push, always guide, etc. If the writer would check with their therapist and ask permission to post the name (or anyone knowing a therapist who is very skilled and responsible in this area) it seem many people would be helped by that information.

    Most helpful shidduch article
    Guest
    Most helpful shidduch article

    Thank you so much for posting! This is the best article I’ve ever read about shidduchim

    writer
    Guest
    writer

    my story did not happen in NY.
    However i have heard from four different people that Rabbi Manis Friedman helped them in this area.
    I have also heard that there is a chabad therapist called Rabbi Daniel Shonbuch who has helped people with getting engaged.

    The main thing is realizing that I was the one that had a problem/ challenge that i needed to work out.
    Once someone is open to that, i believe any frum and competent therapist should be able to help.

    Parent
    Guest
    Parent

    This is an excellent article and encouraging. Is there a way we can get names of these therapists? Most of us feel lost and don’t know who to turn to for help or we are to embarrassed to ask around. This information would be so helpful to so many.

    Names of responsible therapists
    Guest
    Names of responsible therapists

    Dr. Nosson Solomon PsyD 718-377-1125
    Dr. Sara Grozalsky PsyD 718-437-7315

    great article!!
    Guest
    great article!!

    great article. I am a shadchan from the neighborhood, and come across this exact thing pretty often.
    if no red flags, and everything sounds great..help the poor kids along, and encourage them to move forward!! parents are too afraid to push, and the kids are afraid to make any decisions!!!

    Thank you
    Guest
    Thank you

    Excellent article

    Been there done that
    Guest
    Been there done that

    Thank you for sharing this informative and personal article. Unfortunately I know someone who dated a guy who experienced similar anxiety. However, without acknowledging the issue and going for help- the shidduch did not come about. I urge every friend, parent, and mashpia to bring this issue to the attention of the person dating and encourage him/her to get the necessary counseling. Only simchas!

    The therapist
    Guest
    The therapist

    I am a professional therapist and I must say that this is so true! However the problem really begins when a 20 year old bachur does not start making his own decisions rather hanhala makes there decision for them, if a bachur starts when he is younger making his own decisions, he will have a easier time when it comes to shiduchim.
    #a idea from a fly in 3a.

    Well addressed article
    Guest
    Well addressed article

    This seems much more common then previously thought…glad this is out in open and singles can face and deal with anxiety related shidduch.so tragic that so many suffer but with right guidance lives can move forward and get over this stumbling block..may there be many more simchas to come.

    The greatest misconception
    Guest
    The greatest misconception

    From all these article and from speaking to many who are happily married I find one common factor which slams in the face of common “single-people knowledge” (I know, I’ve been there). I don’t think there’s one single issue that needs to be addressed. Every person has their own needs, struggles and ability to overcome them. The one common factor is: we all expect to know when we’ve found THE one. Fact is, many of us happily married couples didn’t. We were nervous wrecks making a decision (slow is ok), getting engaged (sometimes you have to tell a few friends… Read more »

    OCD
    Guest
    OCD

    Search Google ROCD
    This phenomenon is even after marriage

    Very common with ‘older’ singles (disproportionately more on the guys side than the girls side)
    Guest
    Very common with ‘older’ singles (disproportionately more on the guys side than the girls side)

    How to get the guys out of this rut? Even before there is anxiety, there are a lot of inner barriers…for every guy and girl it’s individual and different, but on a whole scale, this is the issue. For some it may be fear of commitment, fear of failed marriage and then divorce….
    How do we get out of this? The guys are only getting older and ‘pickier’ and the girls are getting older as well.
    Some people, like this author, saught out help and took the plunge. But many don’t…very unfortunate.
    Also a reality on the girls side, but definitely less.
    Solutions?

    After affect
    Guest
    After affect

    What’s even more hard is that when the Bachur or girl says no due to anxiety, the one being “rejected” so to speak feels that they were the one at fault and they become filled with insecurity and lack of confidence.. When in reality it’s not their fault at all 🙁

    thank you
    Guest
    thank you

    that was a very nice article in which i’m sure most people can apply

    Get professional clearance before ignoring extreme anxiety
    Guest
    Get professional clearance before ignoring extreme anxiety

    Seems like the writer’s situation was handled very well. If the anxiety is extreme (e.g. fainting, dissociation etc.), then there are more serious issues at hand and while they should preferably be addressed before dating, they should at least be addressed before getting engaged. It is unwise and unethical to subject the the other party to getting engaged and married to someone who has unspecified/undiagnosed/unaddressed serious issues. It’s a great idea for people dating to ask each other (closer to getting engaged) how the other is feeling about moving forward and if they are being pressured by anyone in any… Read more »

    I i agree but what about the rejected person?
    Guest
    I i agree but what about the rejected person?

    Yes, some people freeze when it comes to making a decision. My concern is what happens when the freeze, or cold feet, happens AFTER the shiduch is made? And for good reasons. Someone is pushed through the first crises, but after the lchayim finds out there really is something wrong – heretofore hidden serious medical or mental health issues- and has to break it off? This innocent victim of deceit is now written off the available list of bochrim / girls as someone with a broken shiduch past! And if they don’t break it off, is that better when they… Read more »

    #25
    Guest
    #25

    the topic of this article is people who are simply having a hard time making a decision, not when there are red flags that need to be dealt with. it is is exactly your speech that instills fear and doubt in the hearts of young people when there is no problem or red flag and getting engaged is right, because who knows what will be?? everybody already knows to be cautious when pushing a shidduch. Frankly i have a few friends who had broken engagements who all went on to get married and have happy lives. It is those who… Read more »

    Another great resource
    Guest
    Another great resource

    Elka pinson specializes in this area as well and has been extremely helpful to many going through similar experiences.

    #26 so well said!
    Guest
    #26 so well said!

    And that’s part of the reality we’re dealing with today. Lots of older singles who are scared or looking for something unrealistic that doesn’t exist.

    Thank you
    Guest
    Thank you

    I relate to this article, and felt some comfort in reading it. I met a girl several months ago, someone who I got very close to, but I didn’t take the plunge.

    I have learnt about anxiety, I have taken steps over the years, processed and progressed, but I still have a little bit of work to do.

    May all those who need the strength and peace to get engaged be blessed with strength and peace.

    I wish I had read this article months ago :)
    Guest
    I wish I had read this article months ago :)

    What a beautifully written and well articulated article! Thank you for sharing. I like a girl very much, yet when she requested a serious commitment I got so nervous and I changed my mind many times until I broke it off. One mistake I realise now is that I did not seek guidance from the people closest in my life. I acted sure of myself, and I hurt both of us. The serious decisions in life are often filled with uncertainty and that uncertainty will bring along feelings of doubt. It is healthy to feel that way, it will make… Read more »

    Very Important Topic!
    Guest
    Very Important Topic!

    Elka Pinson is excellent and can offer help to those dealing with this.

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