Is It Expected Of Me To Bring a Gift?
Question of the Week: “I'm starting to get invited for meals as a single in Crown Heights. What is the expected norm to give as a gift the host? Is it expected for a regular Shabbos?” Comments
Question of the Week: “I'm starting to get invited for meals as a single in Crown Heights. What is the expected norm to give as a gift the host? Is it expected for a regular Shabbos?” Comments
More than a gift, lending a hand during the meal would be appreciated.
Usually the host doesn’t care about it and just takes it and pretends to be happy
It’s always thoughtful to show appreciation to your host by bringing a small gift. It doesn’t have to be anything elaborate – something simple like a bottle of wine or a small treat is perfectly appropriate. But if you’re not able to bring something, a sincere thank you goes a long way too.
For a regular Shabbos meal, there’s no expectation to bring a gift at all. Hosting guests is part of hachnasas orchim, and people invite others because they want to, not to receive something in return. While bringing a small item like dessert or grape juice can be a nice gesture once in a while, it’s completely optional, and no one expects it every time.
We definitely don’t expect gifts, and for sure not every week. But if you’re eating frequently at the same host, something once in a while is appreciated, or at least a nice shaloch manos or bottle of wine
As a first time guest in a stranger’s house, it’s a courtesy that makes sense. Hosting a stranger is a big ask. For those who do so on a regular basis, that’s a chidush.
Hosting family is a normal sharing thing and shouldn’t “owe” a gift. If that’s your thing or it enhances your relationship more than it inconveniences you -(fancied up gifts are expensive) – like a home bake or host’s favorite thing, that’s great. but expecting gifts is bad form and leads to frustration and looking down on someone for a stupid reason.
Sonei matanos yichyeh.
Not everyone likes to eat home made food from other people for different reasons.
I don’t think you need to bring something. Just be polite and offer your help to clear.
It makes me nervous when guests help clear.
Curious to know
I think a lot depends on whether as a single, one is working, or learning. If able to afford it, I think a basic bottle of wine is always appreciated.
No gift is expected. A sincere expression of appreciation for the invitation will always be … appreciated. We appreciate your appreciation.
Its not expected, but something small is a nice gesture.
If you become a regular its nice to show some form of appreciation every now and then.
I think people need to give not just take. So if you are a regular Shabbat guest at other people’s house it’s good if you host Shabbat meals sometimes for others if you can or/and buy presents for the people you go to meals with regularly. Yom Tov is a great time to bring a gift because then you can carry.
If you’re sleeping, absolutely!!!
If you’re eating a meal, once in a while something is nice!
What’s the difference? Why does it become a must?
A sleep over guest takes a lot more work. You have to prepare a bed, linens, towels etc. Also often children have to give up their beds for guests. You have to be a mench and show appreciation.
What does a single give/ do for pesach?
Bring a melon or pineapple.
Wine
If you realize how much effort and money goes into hosting a meal the least you can go is bring something over even something small
Is it someone who host I agree Pesach is so much bigger and harder and more expensive. This being said I would not suggest people bring something to help first making sure the host is OK. There are people that do not want to take anything even a bottle of wine on Pesach
Just help to clear the table. Much more appreciated than a gift
You must spend a significant amount of money
20 Dollar Wine would be amazing and appreciated.
If you go regularly, agreed with the giving a nice Shalach Manos by Purim.
Otherwise, there’s no need to bring gifts unless your host is going very out of the way for you (Many food restrictions, very inconvenient time, ur bringing a large family)
They should be gifting you.
Your presence is a gift to my family and guests make our shabboss table beautiful and we love guests. You don’t need to bring gifts cause when you come to us, that is the biggest gift you can give my family. This is not just for hosting guests. Every opportunity you give my children and teens to help you and do kindness is the biggest gift you can give. When we are kind to others that brings true happiness
I would love to eat by you and I’m sure many others would as well.
Many meals feel uncomfortable or awkward or the like.
While I still go ik many who avoid meals for that reason!
How can I contact you? Many seminary and post seminary girls come that can give you my contact. It will be a pleassure.
Not a sem girl though have a sibling in ch who is. But the 2nd half of my comment applies to us both.
Honestly hardly ever check these articles to begin with.
But your comment was pretty special and hardly have seen that much in ch.
Much more than any gift that the host may or may not use, please offer help during the meal with serving and clearing. If they have young children, speak to them and give them attention. If you can do even more, or are coming more often, it would be so nice to reach out in advance and offer some help preparing for Shabbos. This is not expected at all but would be so much appreciated. And I think if it became more common, people would have an easier time hosting. Think of it – families have homes to welcome others… Read more »
B”SD
It’s the right thing to do. During my single days, I would buy a cake for my host.
It’s nice to bring a bottle of wine, flowers, chocolate,a cake or rugalech. If there are children in the family you can bring a game or gift for the kids. We don’t expect anything but it’s a way for saying thank you for hosting me. I always prefer a food gift because you can use it while everyone is sitting around the table.
if you dont bring dont come
Years ago we had a regular fri night guest, almost every shabbos. She always sent a bottle of wine on Fridays, which was nice. She never once got up to help, serve, or clear. Even when hostess was right after a baby , kids weren’t around to help etc. we don’t judge our guests but this was really glaring. The wine didn’t help , it wasn’t a good feeling
Just don’t come after a bain.
It is extremely disrespectful to the host and other guest, when a bochur comes in high, and not hungry, as he needed to drink.
Also embarrassing for the bochur.
One of my regular guest got us a gift card to a local store, after eating over 50 times over in a 3 year period.
Wow! You sound angry!!
If ther giving you a nice meal values 100 to 150 a person bring a gift thy don’t need your help thy have cleaning help already and your gift is penny’s on the dollar
I’m aware of multiple families in CH that do not have cleared Help due to multiple reasons. So there are other ways to help besides cleaning.
Many people don’t
I am a 26 year old single bochur. Every week I have a place to eat by someone’s house. EVERY week I am able to (unless I’m not feeling well or there are circumstances beyond my control) I bring something to my host, even if I’ve eaten there a hundred times before. When I get to know the host well, I try to bring something they would specifically like. Unless the host explicitly tells me not to bring something this is what I do and I will explain three reasons why. 1. Showing Hakaras Hatov The person you are eating… Read more »
From the author:
Another reason to bring something if you are single (especially if it’s your first time there) is that it will make a good impression on your host. First impressions are very very important and especially if you’re in shidduchim. A good first impression can significantly improve your chances to find your bashert by leaving a positive mark on your host and the other people at the meal. No one knows where their shidduch will come from so creating a good reputation is an essential element of giving yourself the best chances.
When hosting im inviting because I want to 🙂 its an honor to gost shabbos guests. A gift? Not expected, though if its one of ur reffulars its nice to show your appreciation by getting something to show that. Flowers, a card with a sourdough, a dessert, or something creative. The main thing is the appreciation, when I feel appreciated as a host it goes a long way! And sometimes, that could even be a meaningful text 🙂 happy hosting and people that are being hosted pls enjoy your meals 🙂 Ps. Please invite singles that you know… it can… Read more »
I wish there were more families like this.
Would be so much easier and make shabbos more enjoyable if there meals like this available!
There isn’t a way to find out tho.
I dont think gifts are expected at all. But rather, the guests who are remembered fondly and invited back are those who give attention to our kids throughout the meal and clear after each course.
Culturally growing up guests coming for a meal never brought a gift in crime.heights because you couldn’t carry it. I don’t expect someone to come special before shabbos to bring something. Good manners and good middos, offer to help, engage in friendly conversation and if you’re a regular show your appreciation once or twice a year.
The hosts work so hard every week to make sure their guests will have enough food, a spot to sit, etc.. They spend so much time, work, and money for their guest to be able to come and enjoy. Although people might think “but it’s hachnasas orchim” or “you invited them”, it’s proper middos to show up with something in your hands. Whether it’s flowers, an inexpensive chocolate, or anything, it shows you appreciate what the host did for you and are excited to be a guest at their table. Don’t show up empty handed. If you can’t afford a… Read more »
Totally didn’t expect that most people would say no. I would say YES. Not expecting from yeshiva Bochurim but when girls come – even HS ones – it shows that they are putting in thought and effort and appreciate that you are having them The same way I am going out of my way to host them These days most women work so making Shabbos is no easy feat. It means late Thursday night cooking, rushed Fridays, juggling a lot Unless you eat there all the time (and then you should bring something every Yom tov) I’d defs think it’s… Read more »
Why girls but not bochrim?
Then they will be horrified that you use the ‘eruv’.
But nice when it happens…
I’m not a fan of terribly expensive pareve chocolate. A bottle of wine is more useful. There’s a very few guests whom we’ve become close with when they ask I’ll send them a link to something (under $20-$25) that I wouldn’t normally buy for myself. (Usually kitchen gadgets but that’s me:)
As a host I would say that if you are going to a family with children. If you can offer to take the children to the park on Friday afternoon. The couple are busy preparing for Shabbos and if you take the kids out to the park that would be more appreciated than a bottle of wine.
But guys usually don’t take kids to the park in ch!
Just wondering what would be most appreciated to those hosting sem girls?
We host seminary girls for most Shabbosim and Yomim Tovim throughout the year and it’s a real privilege. It’s important to us that they feel welcome and at home; their best “gifts” are interacting with us! When someone asks what she can bring I’ll usually give her a suggestion to avoid Nahama D’Chisufa (lit. Bread of Shame—taking without giving), but our most treasured presents are thank-you notes!
Shulammis Saxon
and host yourselves
If its the first time you are cumming you should for sure bring something, if you are a regular you dont have to bring everytime, you will understand after a few meals what the host will appreciate. I’ve had guest offering to bring a salad which is nice, but not on the first time.
Spell check would be appreciated!
Make sure if you bring a salad to toss it later. You don’t want it to becum soggy.
You can’t go wrong with chocolate balls and hard candy. They last and people love to eat them.
A gift is a beutiful thoughful things but only necessary under these circcumstances: First time guest, and even then its totally ok if not. You are brining a group of more than 1 other person (so 3 or more) They are hsoting your family for a simcha or a gorup for pegisha, C-teen etc you know things are hectic there that particular week or time, and you know what they enjoy, then of course that is appreciated. If you are eating somewhere every week or more than once a month, then perhaps every shabbos mevorchim something special, or sending something… Read more »
THE MOST IMORTANT THING IS TO HELP CLEAR!!!
I cannot tell you how many homes ive been to where people (both bochurm and girls) do not even lift finger to clear. You were invited (or asked) to come to this home. The hostess worked hard to prepare this shabbos meal for you. even if there are 20-30 people and 5-6 get up to clear, always ask what you can do to help with the next course!
I’m a young single who lives in CH and B”H am able to host friends for meals.
Hakaras Hatov is necessary but not in the way of the gift. When you chat and have fun with my younger siblings it changes the whole atmesphare. Give with your presance and say thank you and that IS your Hakaras Hatov.
If someone brings a gift I appreciate it and if they don’t I don’t judge . May they don’t have extra cash, some girls and boys are supporting themselves, paying rent and it all adds up.
Some just don’t think about it. Whatever is the case best is not to judge anyone
And don’t expect people to come especially to bring gifts before Shabbos on a regular basis…. But I am baffled that yeshivas Dont teach bochurim to help at all during a meal. We have young children at home and it feels exhausting to do it all on my own. A little hakaras hatov even clearing one thing won’t hurt you, it will go a long way and will make me want to host you more often.
I grew up in a generation where you show hakaras hatov. That meant bring a gift. Doesn’t need to be big. It can be a bottle of wine. It can be a dish, fruit platter, candy platter,… As someone who has been hosted many times, I get to know my hosts and what they prefer. Sometimes it’s buying one nicer wine every few months, and sometimes it’s a cheaper candy platter for shabbos treats for the kids every time. Is it a must? No. But it definitely shows appreciation. Even when finances are tight, the way I look at it,… Read more »
As a host, the biggest gift you can give us is to show up on time. We work hard to buy, cook and prepare the meal, and we’re happy to do it! But when guests don’t show up on time, it messes up the whole meal… you have to guess if they’re going to come and whether you should start kiddush without them or not, often with other guests and young children waiting… And sometimes they guests don’t come at all! It seems like for some reason guests feel like they’re a bother so it’s not bad if they don’t… Read more »
Just wish there was more ppl like you who are happy to host!