By a bochur
Dating can be fun. It can be exciting. It makes sense; the potential of meeting the person you will spend the rest of your life with is exhilarating. But then there’s the other side to dating. It can be horrible and nasty. It can drain all your energy. It just doesn’t make as much sense. We do it because it’s necessary. It’s about all we have, whether we like it or not.
An article was recently published on this website that lists all the “authentic” qualities that girls look for in a guy.
The author then asks, “So why are shidduchim so difficult?” The comments on this article brought us that much closer to the answer. Let me explain how.
“Guy bashing” has become all too common in the secular world. For some time the frum community seemed to have been spared from the trend. However, it’s become all too clear that we’re slowly – or not so slowly – catching up. “He is very much like a golem,” says one comment. How mature.
Recently there’s been a growing trend to blame the guys’ side in this game no one enjoys. Pointing fingers at a particular group for the difficulties in the dating scene is childish. It just doesn’t help anyone.
No one party is responsible for the so-called “shidduch crisis.” Both guys and girls, I would imagine, wish it would just disappear. Anyone in the dating scene knows that it’s not fun. It hurts. It’s horrible.
But guys don’t like it just as much as girls don’t. Guys aren’t these unemotional beings that they’re made out to be. Dating takes its toll on them too. And they’re definitely not out there looking for ways to hurt girls. They would do anything to make it easier for them, if they could.
I don’t think guys are perfect. There’s a lot that the system can help with these issues and there are areas where guys just need to grow up. But then again, no one’s perfect. Girls aren’t perfect either. We’re just not created that way. And if you’re looking for that “perfect” date, give up. You’re doomed for failure.
All those girls that are looking for such “authentic” things in a guy need to take a look in the mirror. Most of the guys dating are in their early 20s and to expect them to match even half of those criteria is ludicrous. That list is daunting! How many girls match those criteria? Let’s stop using double standards.
After reading the article and the inevitable slew of comments, I believe that’s where the problem lies. There seems to be a deep underlying notion that the guys are the problem. Take a look at the comments. Not much surprises me, but some of those comments are shocking.
Trying to answer the “shidduch question” is ridiculous. There isn’t an answer. It doesn’t exist. We shouldn’t be wasting our time looking for one. Instead, we should be working together to try find solutions that make it easier for all involved. Blaming the guys definitely isn’t going to help.