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Thursday, 15 Tammuz, 5779
  |  July 18, 2019

    Guests Ruined Our Yomtov

    From the COLlive inbox: A Crown Heights resident tells how inconsiderate Tishrei guests have marred her family's yomtov. Full Story

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    just me
    Guest
    just me

    I think you did as best as you could under the circumstances and hope hashem sends you an abundance of good tidings as you guys are one heck of a family!

    i actually agree with you
    Guest
    i actually agree with you

    coming to tishrei is fine – but you need to be mentshlech.

    YOu need to have a place to sleep – and not crash in on people unannounced.

    You need to be thoughful before you bring a million people with you to a place to eat…

    I think they just think its a free for all…its all basically anonymous cuz you dont know who they are, even when they rock up at your house……so theres no shame…

    Not YOUR guests
    Guest
    Not YOUR guests

    Why sre you torturing yourself. They may have been “guests” in crown heights, but they were not your guests. You did not turn away guests, you turned away gate crashers.

    a ch resident
    Guest
    a ch resident

    i think u did the right thing the israes are nice people and dont haveanything bad in mind just thats the way they are brought but that doeant mean u have to feel bad if u dont have space

    hyt
    Guest
    hyt

    well written,,,,chabad muhnt seder…a person has to know where he will sleep or eat when ones comes for tishrie…i find it inconceivable that a couple or families come here without knowing where they will sleep or eat….its beyond primitive.

    Not all are allowed in Eishel
    Guest
    Not all are allowed in Eishel

    And then there are those Oiver Bottel Orchim who did not pay their Pikodoin and did not take their turn to work in the Eishel kitchen or did not come to all the Shiurim in 770 so they are not allowed to eat in Eishel and are starving and weak.

    :-)
    Guest
    :-)

    You are right. You did what was necessary. They were trying their luck at a home, since the “guest house meal” was perhaps not as warming as being in a home. They would have enjoyed it, but they didn’t make arrangements to there, or at someone else’s home. If it was imperative, they would have made arrangements, rather then crashing. The guest do not feel responsible because they don’t know you. DO NOT invite people off the street. Invite orchim that you know. They aren’t being bad guest, they are being people on vacation. This is the only successful tishrai… Read more »

    Kibud Horim
    Guest
    Kibud Horim

    Allot of these youngsters are coming to be Poirek Oil without parents guidance while milking their parents for a airplane ticket which cost a month and a half of salary (many Lubavitchers in Israel are earning about $900 per month), let them stay home to help their parents!

    gut moed
    Guest
    gut moed

    every one is working hard over YT its a very stresfull time, Being on shlichus this happenes every week, and we just keep serving the food… and people just keep showing up/or not showing up. i think your article is something you should have typed to let of some steam or better write it down with a pen and then disgarded, and gone back to celebrating Yt.
    keep up your great work.

    people come before things
    Guest
    people come before things

    i agree and understand how guilty you feel. it pains your heart to turn guests away. all your life you followed one shita, and now you were caught ofguard and felt forced to turn some guests away that didnt have anywhere else to go, otherwise they wouldnt have showed up to you. I feel your sense of guilt, and i feel that theres has got to be a way for you to make up for it. hashem didnt give you this test for nothing, like He has nothing better to do with his time then test you. If Hashem gave… Read more »

    BS"D
    Guest
    BS"D

    I don’t see why you should feel so guilty. You invited certain people, and a very generous group too…you did not prepare for more than that…you did the best you could. It would not have been simcha-dik, squishing 40 ppl into a small sukka.

    You did the best you could under the circumstances! Stop feeling guilty about it!!!!

    I Feel For You
    Guest
    I Feel For You

    There are many people who are not Mentchlich, it’s not just the guests there are many people in our community as well.
    But I would starve before I would turn away a guest, Mentch or no Mentch.

    Fear Not!
    Guest
    Fear Not!

    Hashem will Bentch You and You will have a Gutte Kvittel iyH!

    Sympathy
    Guest
    Sympathy

    That does sound like a horrible situation. Not having boys and girls at a meal is the only inexcusable reason for sending people away.

    Other than that it must have been a hard situation. Dont Worry, Hashem loves you!

    wrong title
    Guest
    wrong title

    Collive gave wrong title to this episode. What a great chassidishe woman the writer is. Something for all of us to learn from!

    My BFF 4 EVER!
    Guest
    My BFF 4 EVER!

    You guys are the Greatest & Sweetest & Most Amazing People on Earth & You have No Idea how Hashem will Bentch You now!

    venice
    Guest
    venice

    a couple months ago i was in venice for shabbos. BH they had a very large crowd. “oh this is just a small week, about 400” i was curious to see how they were going to feed all these people and fit them all into their restaurant. guess what? they made two shifts! we were recipients of someone else’s kindness and we did not complain. we waited patiently for the second shift.
    perhaps that is a solution when there is simply not enough space. im sure the guests will understand that if they came univited…..

    The guests didn't ruin your Yom Tov
    Guest
    The guests didn't ruin your Yom Tov

    You did! Without even discussing the merits or lack thereof of turning the guests away, you needed to shake off the incident and move on.

    In my many years in this world, I have seen the Yetzer Hora work his ways many times by finding something to be miserable about at a time when one is supposed to be happy.
    You needed to decide in your heart what would have been the proper thing to do and make a resolution in your heart to do it the next time something like this comes up.

    i totally agree with you but..
    Guest
    i totally agree with you but..

    as much as you dont wont it to be loshon hora and to be a negative feeling by posting it on col and with such a title it just spreads bad i remember there was an op ed how we should only see positive so if its not something nice then dont share it on this news website and the people that you want to learn form it dont read this but still kol hakavod for you actions that you took and u should have only a simchadik yomtov!

    not so terrible
    Guest
    not so terrible

    im sure they went to eshel and enjoyed their night without thinking too much… no need to feel so bad – no one went hungry or angry…

    no need to worry
    Guest
    no need to worry

    not to say no to a guest is a rule, but every rule has it’s exceptions. if there wasn’t enough place means, they weren’t MEANT to be there.

    You did whats right 100 percent!
    Guest
    You did whats right 100 percent!

    First off # 10 what you said was nice but youre just stupid, she cant make a neder not to turn away guests imagine way to many people show up again. To anyone who said not to turn away guests or squish them in etc. etc. is wrong. Simply bc what do u want her to do? Have people bumper to bumper with not enough food to go around, i mean come on if u read the article just use your brain it woundnt hav worked. I’m obviously not saying dont invite guests just know ur limits and if u… Read more »

    every thing you see or hear you can learn to la'avod es Hashem
    Guest
    every thing you see or hear you can learn to la'avod es Hashem

    And that has to be besimcho its the strugel every one is tested with yet that’s in the kitchen My zeide used to stand in comunist russia and try and get a tsenter for the minyan yet in free america when you try to get the tzenter we have all the valid reasons why I couldent make the minyan I personely I’m a shliach and every day you have this nisoyon it dosent come in the form of the kitchen but say you promist some one a minyan so he can say kaddish and You work hard calling 8 other… Read more »

    a few points
    Guest
    a few points

    first of all, if they came and saw that they were more people than you could handle, I would think that if THEY were menschen, then they would leave or apologize or something. Why should YOU have to appologize, it doesnt make sense. Secondly, I have heard many many stories about people who have been mistreated and used inappropriately, to the point of giving their key to some girls for a basement side door entrance, and they left it open at night for OTHER girls to come in and out as they wished. Nothing to even say about that. Someone… Read more »

    you CHOSE to get angry!!!!
    Guest
    you CHOSE to get angry!!!!

    Move on!!!! Just don’t forget to thank Hashem that these are the frustrations that you have to deal with…. …. I mean… common…….. 20 people didn’t have where to eat so they tried your house you didn’t have room so yala… move on!!!! They certainly did!!!!!

    Go #22!!!
    Guest
    Go #22!!!

    18 and 19 just shut up. and 20 and 21 r good. 17 i dont think 2 shifts wouldve worked in this case.

    You're right!
    Guest
    You're right!

    No meaning to judge your husband, but it’s easy to say “I’ve never sent away a guest before” than to cook a whole day (or more) and be faced with an impossible situation like you had. If 100 people showed up would he still say “we never send away guests”?

    Dear husband, respect your wife’s hard work and dedication instead of making her feel guilty and ruining her yom tov.

    Btw I am husband too.

    you have to know where you are
    Guest
    you have to know where you are

    If your local chabad center hosts an open house shabbos meal, no reservations needed, or there’s someone who is known to prepare for more guests than they really expect, then you don’t need to reserve. But if somone invites 2 people, and they ask if they can make it 6, and show up with an hour late with an extra 20! Gevalt! What are they thinking? And this is a 3 day yom tov! You can’t feed them all and then have no food for your family and invited guests for the next two days! Ok, sometimes there’s an emergency.… Read more »

    to 7
    Guest
    to 7

    Lots of people write op-eds just to let off steam. They are upset and they type it up, email it to col and then col publishes it and presto! they feel better. No therapy is needed. Also, as someone who published a dozen op-eds on col and other sites, often I submit it with a headline and they replace it with their own, so not necessarily was the “my yom tov was ruined” the words that the author wrote. A website’s job is to make sure the headlines are catch enough for people to click on them…

    Let your baby cry & serve the guests?
    Guest
    Let your baby cry & serve the guests?

    Many families in CH have several very little children, should they be Mafkir their family for guests?!

    The girls have to pay $50 for the booklets etc. in 770
    Guest
    The girls have to pay $50 for the booklets etc. in 770

    Learning is not free in 770, the woman in charge of the report cards of the girls back in Israel, is demanding $50 from each girl for learning expenses, and so those kind of people are sending them to families for Seudos although the host agreed for 6 but the arrangers back in 770 tell 26 to go – some things in the system of Eishel is not done right (I would not really blame these poor ashamed Orchim).

    How many calls did you get from Eishel?
    Guest
    How many calls did you get from Eishel?

    Did you not donate anything or invite anyone so why are they still calling? Don’t worry those who said yes once to them get allot more calls and get charged more…

    Husband, be nice to wife more than guests!
    Guest
    Husband, be nice to wife more than guests!

    Husband, would you like never to turn away a guest? No problem, you do all the cooking…

    a crown heights resident
    Guest
    a crown heights resident

    I heard a similar story this week. That they hosts said they could take up to 6 bochurim and after the unexpected guests showed up there were ultimately 41 people. After everyone had washed the baal habayis washed and when he tried to go into the sukkah one of the orchim said, “Ain makom.” Personally, I understand just where you are coming from. Everyone says, “Oh, 20 years ago it was different. People were more open to guests.” Twenty years ago, it wasn’t that every boy over bar mitzvah came to NY from Rosh Chodesh Elul through Rosh Chodesh Cheshvan.… Read more »

    what has happened to CH?
    Guest
    what has happened to CH?

    Tishrei is all about the guests.
    Israelis have a way about them and u know that if you invite 6, you will have 40…and if you are so machmir that you make for exactly the amount you have invited, then make sure to let the guest know what room you have avail and what rules you go by…like that you wont be in the uncomfortable postion of turnign guests away.
    If there is a will, there is a way…

    what a waste of money
    Guest
    what a waste of money

    This whole thing is a waste of 10 million dollars. Make no mistake most of these Frenchies coming here are just tourists that come here because its free lodging & food. Clearly it has nothing to the Rebbe. The Yechi faction uses it to falsely enhance their numbers. The people who waste their money on them versus giving it to Tzedaka to Mosdos & individual families in need. Chaval!

    My husband won't allow too many guests for MY sake
    Guest
    My husband won't allow too many guests for MY sake

    How do I tell my invited guests that there is not enough food and chairs to go around because we have 10 unexpected guests that I hate to send away? How do I tell my hungry children that they will have half the amount to eat because the newcomers must be served? Are the children not as important to me? Do I want my children to resent the newcomers? NO! So I told my unexpected guests that I have room for 3 or 4 but not more. They chose to leave and we still had a big Sukka bursting with… Read more »

    They did you a favor..because this is Moshiach time...
    Guest
    They did you a favor..because this is Moshiach time...

    and everyone needed to grow a little.

    Bile
    Guest
    Bile

    As a side note. You said you had bile in your throat. How is that even possible?

    well
    Guest
    well

    i find it very not fare when we invite gust to our shaboss meal and we tell them we start at 130 and they show up 230 i work all week i need an hour rest and then go over the gemorah with my kids. then also they say there bringing 3 friends and only 2 show up. gust have to understnd that wer working family ppl

    TO THE WRITER :
    Guest
    TO THE WRITER :

    I approved your courage to tell them in a gentle way IT’S A CHUZPA, i know who they are and last year they did the same thing to me too and i had to open my mouth too, please not the 2 brothers relatives but not their entire city.. plus THEY DO NOT BRING YOU A BOTTLE OF WINE OR A PIECE OF CHALLAH, as a matanah. BUT I SUPPORT YOU AND TO YR HUSBAND TELL HIM HE’S NOT ON HIS FEET TO COOK ALL DAY OVER AND OVER BET. PEELING AND COOKING AND WASHING POTS OTHERWISE HE WILL UNDERSTAND… Read more »

    2 those who are slamming the husband
    Guest
    2 those who are slamming the husband

    he is not saying that he has never sent any orchim away, he is saying that in his whole life from being a little boy up till now he never had to stand up (WITH HIS WIFE) or be in the situation where ppl had to be sent away.
    you gotta understand that the way things are written are not always the way they would be said. try to think of the other person’s perspective before you say (type) such things.

    Make your home into a dormitory!
    Guest
    Make your home into a dormitory!

    Lets not talk about when your sleepover guests make your home into a dormitory!

    Go into debt for vacationers on your Cheshbon!
    Guest
    Go into debt for vacationers on your Cheshbon!

    They wanna go on vacation, okay, but why call it Hachnosas Orchim?!

    :-)
    Guest
    :-)

    To 33
    You get my vote. Very well said (I am number 7)

    Inconsiderate calls at 11 PM or later from Eishel and guests
    Guest
    Inconsiderate calls at 11 PM or later from Eishel and guests

    French and Israelis and all other guests would never call people on the phone or ring the bell late night, so why do they do it when they come to Crown Heights?!

    commented before
    Guest
    commented before

    I posted a comment, but it looks like it didnt go up yet (titled: what happened to ch) I realized i had not finished my thought. I agree the writer did the correct thing by sending the “xtra” guest back to eishel, there was nothing wrong with that. Eishel is there for that reason. However, her rant about feeling guilty belongs on a facebook status, not a community website. The guest presume that houses are completely open in CH during Tishrei (for some that is true) and they try their luck…its like eating camp food versus food your mom sent… Read more »

    Why is all this on collive??
    Guest
    Why is all this on collive??

    Why is it not on Col.org.il? I am sure Israelis have to hear about it more than Crown Heightsers…

    They have any bad kavana’s, just not enough aware.

    my heart goes out to you
    Guest
    my heart goes out to you

    my mother allway goes out her wy way to help people and i follow in her footsteps doing anything i can to help may hashem bless u for the great mitzva youv done

    to # 47
    Guest
    to # 47

    To # 47- Very Well Said ! Its refreshing to hear someone writing with control and logic.

    Thank you
    Guest
    Thank you

    35 years ago I was a polite little English boy and was in CH for Tishrei at least 10 times. Even though I was polite and little, said my ‘P’s and ‘Q’s (thats ‘Please’ and ‘Thank you’) I took it all for granted and must have been a brat. Ich Ver Shoin Elter but its not too late to say a real ‘Thank You’ to those ‘baalabosteh’s, as well as baalai battim who opened their homes and kitchens to people like me. Thank you.

    help
    Guest
    help

    i have a suggestion there should b 2 people that any person who would like to go to for a meal at a family setting not at hachnochos archim room where there is 100 of people at families who would like visiters should tell thes 2 people how many they can have then there wont be any women who work so hard over yomtov getting upset im having 15 people each meal over yomtov im finding it tough shopping smiling etc i dont no how the people from crown heights are managing also finachilly maybe the families who have tishrei… Read more »

    Shluchim do it all year around
    Guest
    Shluchim do it all year around

    I was a bocher hosted by very generous families in CH for Tishrei, i must tell you that we learned from them how to do Hachnosas Orchim. Your Hachnosas Orchim has a great impact all around the world as people are learning from you year by year!!!!!! now we have every week around the year (literally) over 20 people, and sometimes i don’t even have a salary… 1 small suggestion, if you do it dont think too much, for good or for bad, after you do the right decision, dont think of yourself and dont think “too much” for the… Read more »

    I wrote this article, one point was left out.
    Guest
    I wrote this article, one point was left out.

    The first year that my parents bought their house, the night before yom kippur a bochur knocked on the door. He had no where to sleep. We didnt have room, except for a basement that needed serious help. The bochur came in, together with his brother, and by the time Simchas Torah came, we had 20 boys sleeping mattress to mattress there. My parents did over the basement with the guests in mind, that we should be able to do a mattress to mattress thing always. Lifelong friendships ensued. Today my parents have next generation boys coming in to say… Read more »

    Another perspective
    Guest
    Another perspective

    I think Mrs. is overreacting, but because she is a genuinely nice & caring person. I refuse to have boys & girls at my table, Succos or otherwise. I am appalled at the mingling that goes on here with so-called “guests of the Rebbe.” I was by the train yesterday waiting for a ride & I saw a group of 7-8 boys & girls fooling around & throwing trash. when I told one young man (I asked him to move from where he was standing in front of the bench so I could sit) that we don’t throw water bottles… Read more »

    no matter what.....
    Guest
    no matter what.....

    …..nothing will change. There will still be people whose world revolves only around themselves. Lets just try to find a place at the table for all of them. It’s what the Rebbe would want, and lets do it in the merit of all that we are…and with ahavas yisroel.

    I love your story but if you can't handle them don't come complaining
    Guest
    I love your story but if you can't handle them don't come complaining
    Don't get mad- get glad
    Guest
    Don't get mad- get glad

    Nothing at all to be upset about. Real hachnosas orchim refers to bringing in people who literally don’t have where to go or what to eat. These people have alternate choices where to go and what to eat. It’s only a question of “will I get a 3 course main course- steak, chicken & shnitzel or just one main course- and will I get dessert-one or two combination on the plate?” None of the orchim are going hungry. Don’t let this shter your Yom Tov! There’s only so much you can do and you did better than fine! Today (Tues)… Read more »

    BS''D
    Guest
    BS''D

    You did what you could, you tried to make as many stay as possible, you tried to prevent the single guys and single girls from sitting and it didnt work, you did what you COULD, and you still truly hosted many for a great meal, please dont feel bad about this, we all wish that all of Am Yisroel will be under one sukkah, united in the times of Moshiach, please NOW!

    #4
    Guest
    #4

    She never said they were Israeli, why do you assume? Maybe they are French or Brazilian or Spanish? Why jump to bash Israelis. That’s not how they are raised, not all of them.

    sounds a bit fishy fish
    Guest
    sounds a bit fishy fish

    7 people makes more sense the story sounds like its a bit exaggerated but 17 extra people sounds made up no offense … it is still wrong of the guest to do that i do agree with that

    what about 23
    Guest
    what about 23

    #23

    the rebbe wanted guests?????
    Guest
    the rebbe wanted guests?????

    The rebbe said in various occaisions that guests can only come if their purpose is to learn Torah.. the rebbe mentioned the halacha that one may not leave eretz yisrael unless he comes for learning.
    I think that the type of guests the rebbe wanted wouldn’t be that inconsiderate.
    I think things are a bit different than the way the rennet intended them to be

    Blame Eshel, not the guests!
    Guest
    Blame Eshel, not the guests!

    Blame the management of Eshel, not the great guests (almost all of them)!

    Are we in Sedom?
    Guest
    Are we in Sedom?

    So why are some guests behaving as if they were in Sedom? We have here in Crown Heights great hosts!

    Guests respect your hosts!

    Hosts are working so hard for guests!

    If Avraham Avinu had a house full of little children...
    Guest
    If Avraham Avinu had a house full of little children...

    Some Eshel organizers like to compare all CHers to father Abraham – you must be like him etc… well I am not sure if Avraham would torment his wife if they had babies crying at home….

    No Guests
    Guest
    No Guests

    For everyone’s information:

    In the good old days: When guests used to come – they were TAKA Orchim! Real Yungelaet and Eltere Yidden, coming to the Rebbe for Tishrei.

    But – now:

    Hardley Yungelait come. No one blames them. For what?The “guests” that do come are 95% Bochrim and Girls.. Some are ok but some “do not know what hit them”!

    CH barely has Orchim!!

    Hmmm
    Guest
    Hmmm

    Bile is stored in your gallbladder, how did it make it all the way up to your throat? Also I don’t know why you are having a miserable yon Tov bc of this, as you said it clearly wasn’t your fault, so just move on…

    you are missing the real culprit
    Guest
    you are missing the real culprit

    those who sponsor tickets for guests who cannot afford the trip, in order to make a political point

    Didn't read all the comments
    Guest
    Didn't read all the comments

    Agree with number 11

    LA Morah
    Guest
    LA Morah

    it’s not just about guests.bichlal in life there are those who take advantage.it’s hard for those of us who are by nature givers to say no but we have to set boundries to be able to function and to have koiach left for our own families. it took me a long time to learn this.

    ch 770
    Guest
    ch 770

    let us stop them from all coming in , A family of 4 came in with no place to stay … single guests are one thing .. but don’t come in with children not having a place to sleep or pre arranged meals .. pushkas on kingston empire kosher that say hachnasas orchim and the bochurim go around collecting money so they can come in next year should go to families of 4 or more here in our neighborhood… because clearly these out of towners that come do not appreciate anything. The Rebbe was againts people coming in on debts

    ch resident
    Guest
    ch resident

    first of all what is hachnosas orchim? These kids come for the crown heights tishrei experience. they go shopping, run around, get a job in boro park pizza shop. when i am called at 12:00am and told that a couple just came and have no where to sleep, i ask what were they thinking? would you go to israel or france and show up in shul and say give me a place to stay? the author wants to feel good about herself and take in these kids, go ahead, but it is not hachnosas orchim. i have 31 people total… Read more »

    maybe...
    Guest
    maybe...

    I think the 20 that showed up by u were the same 20 that didnt show up to ur friend… 🙂

    Yasher Kochacha!
    Guest
    Yasher Kochacha!

    Gmar tov! I wish I knew who you were so that I could tell you how IMPRESSED I am with your mentshlichkeit. You invited guests that you could accomodate in your sukka and you most certainly should enjoy hosting your incredible parents who brought you up with a wonderful chinuch. You are way too hard on yourself and have NOTHING to feel guilty about. It is understood that the guests who come from out-of-town have somehow managed to afford the plane ticket. It is only responsible of them to insure that they have places to eat BEFORE booking their tickets.… Read more »

    I threw out 50
    Guest
    I threw out 50

    Israeli Bocherim last nite with NO guilt!!!

    Why do they think it’s ok to start far-ranging at 11pm in a residential place(outside our bed room windows) waking up my entire fam and keeping us up with singing ,banging on tables talking screaming etc??!!!

    1am I went down stairs and made them leave.

    Guests I urge u to have more consideration for us residents.

    Kamtza and Bar Kamtza
    Guest
    Kamtza and Bar Kamtza

    The Bais Hamikdosh was destroyed because the uninvited guest Bar Kamtza was evicted by the host. This is very serious! Imagine for a moment if Melech HaMoshiach or one of the Ushpizin “crashed” at your sukka – would you evict them?? I know there is “no room” or “not enough food” or any other legitimate excuses, but wouldn’t you be creative and find a way to keep them in your sukka?? Are these “rchim” any less deserving then the Ushpizin?? This is analogous to the dreadful story of Kamtza and Bar Kamtza and in my opinion you SHOULD feel guilty!… Read more »

    Different prespective
    Guest
    Different prespective

    I read this and truly feel your pain. I know that yuo went out of your way to do as best you can and you did very well. From the prespective of the guests you had the full right to do what you did. However, you know see that having the beautiful chinuch that your parents gave you, turning them away ended up being more painful for YOU and Your HUSBAND, than figuring our a way to accomodate. I also feel that taking them in would have created a priceless memory for your children. Thisis in no way a criticsm.… Read more »

    sometimes it can be trying
    Guest
    sometimes it can be trying

    Over 20 years ago when I came to CH for seminary, I had experienced so many new and beautiful things about CH. I lived in the dormitory across the street from 770, so we had many “guests” as you could imagine. However, on my first night of seeing and enjoying simchas beis hashoeva I came home tired and ready to sleep a good few hours before getting up and taking on the next day. When I opened up my dorm room door, not only did I find a stranger asleep in my room, she had removed my mattress, pillow and… Read more »

    failure
    Guest
    failure

    hachnasas orchim is not when u find it comfortable or easy, its when hashem decides to send u some guests. thats TRUE hachnasas orchim. thats the TRUE test and true chesed.

    it seems to me that you FAILED!!
    good luck next time !

    A former CH resident
    Guest
    A former CH resident

    I was actually the lucky one that got to move away but this is the only disagreement we are going to have YOu have nothing to feel bsad about and I’m sure you heard that from many peolle by now it seem to me though that no matter what others told you already you were compelled to write about it on a very public stage as if you are in need of everyone’s approval I have some news for you THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU!!! If there is anything you are guilty of is the fact that you didn’t… Read more »

    to 36
    Guest
    to 36

    what do you have against frenchies?
    they are not the only guest who come around, and they dont even benefit from eshel at all
    moreover the Rebbe used to pay half of their tickets

    mi k'acha yisroel?
    Guest
    mi k'acha yisroel?

    The Rebbe is for sure shepping nachas at these comments. Look at the deep-rooted Ahavas Yisroel hidden in each comment. Even the critical comments. Because each one shows that there is a given that we Lubavitchers are doers of good and kindness. that we are grapling with ways to do as much good as possible, weighing realistically what our limits are and should be… with the overall goal of making ourselves into keilim to do good.
    I am proud to be a Lubavitcher.
    a gut ge’benched yahr to all.

    lack of confidence
    Guest
    lack of confidence

    i dont know what your beating your self up about these people are to blame for trying it on an turning up i would not give it a second thought u did the right thing

    Blah Blah Blah
    Guest
    Blah Blah Blah

    why is this womans venting on COL. The article is way long and there’s no point to it

    to #67
    Guest
    to #67

    Why does that make them not be orchim?

    a mitzvah is a mitzvah, fine....
    Guest
    a mitzvah is a mitzvah, fine....

    but even a mitzvah needs to have boundaries.
    we need them to give balance to our lives.
    this experience was probably there for you to learn that you need boundaries without the guilt.
    it is one thing to be generous, it is another to be a shmata.
    I agree, these ppl were sent to you to teach you boundaries.
    you poshet didn’t have room, what’s the question.
    thank Hashem for teaching you this important lesson,
    self ahavas yisroel 🙂

    I agree with #77
    Guest
    I agree with #77

    I never looked at it like a Bar Kamtza scenario. Thanks for pointing it out. You hit the nail on the target.

    To #77
    Guest
    To #77

    You sound so much like a brainwashed christian missionary, l”a.

    kids are not hoshanos
    Guest
    kids are not hoshanos

    just as kids are not korban pesach

    so let guests respect family life in ch

    To 77 and 66
    Guest
    To 77 and 66

    How dare you hurt the author’s feelings so viciously by committing her? She is obviously a sensitive person and your harsh words simply twist the knife into her heart. Comparing her actions to Kamtza u’Bar Kamtza is simply cruel.Even if you are right, she deserves an apology.

    vaad talmidei hatmimim haolomi
    Guest
    vaad talmidei hatmimim haolomi

    behave mentschlich, thoses are the kind of guests that sure behave nicely

    its not only eishel, its the terror movement in 770
    Guest
    its not only eishel, its the terror movement in 770

    they go round 770 ripping off all vaad talmidei hatmimim haolomi papers – just an example of eshel terror

    blabber mouth
    Guest
    blabber mouth

    i so agree with 77! every time some little thing happens u dont have to go and write op eds….face up to it and keep it within your own foour walls!

    someone who understands u
    Guest
    someone who understands u

    i dont agree with #77!! this is not a beis hamikdash and we live in crown heights/new york city. To the author of this article: u shouldnt feel bad at all. u did the right thing. it would have been more embarrassing if they came and ui had no room and no food for them. they wouldve gotten angry instead.

    to #77 and #88
    Guest
    to #77 and #88

    this is not in any way analogous to the kamtza,bar kamtza story.the women did not say no out of hate;she poshut didn’t have room.also bar kamtza thought he was invited.these poeple just decided to show up with the extra 20.

    to #78
    Guest
    to #78

    it’s also important for your children to see that you don’t let yourself get treated like a schmatta and that we have standards re boys and girls at the same table.worst of all is if the kids would have seen their grandparents leaving.they come first!

    sholom
    Guest
    sholom

    you were tested and you already told us how you fared. tests are never easy or fun. if everything went as planned what would be the test in that? if you did the right thing you wouldn’t feel guilty. maybe you weren’t wrong by the letter of the law but i think you feel you could have done better. also theres no use in feeling down or blaming the world or saying they ruined your yom tov. first that people have to be mentchen is no chiddush and is always applicable. scream it from a roof. second no harm was… Read more »

    LIMITS
    Guest
    LIMITS

    In life everything should be done in moderation , why should this woman have to suffer and get anxiety because some out of town guests decide to be inconsiderate the whole ” Israeli’s treat u nicely in Israel even though they don’t know u has limits also” This article needed to be written because some people need to learn how to stop acting like pigs cuz pigs are not kosher.

    Rebbehs guest
    Guest
    Rebbehs guest

    Your feelings are legitimized. But if you sincerely wanted to avoid lashan harah etc you would have kept the situation to yourself or brought it to the attention of Eshel. I detect a sprinkle of intolerance for the “Rebbeh”s guest and wondering if this column is justifiable to guilt alone.

    i feel 4 u
    Guest
    i feel 4 u

    i feel 4 u ….but i dont like the head line of the artical

    halacha
    Guest
    halacha

    It says in Shulchan Orach that a guest is not aloud to invite another guest without asking the host first.

    underappreciated housewife
    Guest
    underappreciated housewife

    It’s easy to say “Never turn a guest away”. Some women don’t have the coyach to cook all day. Some don’t even have the coyach to have that many guests, even if they got help preparing the meal. They don’t need any guilt trips. (Leave that for travel agents.)

    OFFICIAL COMMENT CRITIC FORCOLlive
    Guest
    OFFICIAL COMMENT CRITIC FORCOLlive

    2 and 4 – make sense. 6 13 and 67 – not so smart. 34 76 and 80 – pretty eloquent. 56 12 and 65 – nice sharp language, liking the disses. 8 43 28 61 and 31 – oholei toirah chai……

    Bar Kamtza? How can you compare?
    Guest
    Bar Kamtza? How can you compare?

    Why is it anything like Bar Kamtza? Bar Kamtza was INVITED to a party (albeit by mistake) and was singled out to be thrown out because his host didn’t want him there – even though there was enough food, space and he offered to pay for his own food and then for the whole party! Here, an invited family brought uninvited guests, who DID have somewhere else to eat, they were just ‘trying their luck’. The hostess would have acomodated them, but simply couldn’t for lack of space, chairs and food and for tznius issues. And she felt terrible for… Read more »

    I don't understand
    Guest
    I don't understand

    How could you feel guilty. Let’s say you had the room and the food, how could you have bochurim and girls together at your table?

    Hello! Did you read the article?
    Guest
    Hello! Did you read the article?

    1) There were simply too many people to fit in the Sukka. “I walked into the sukkah and there were a bunch of girls sitting, and the family and entourage standing outside because there was no room to come in.” Would anyone tell me how to keep all the guests if they did not fit? 2) It is flat out wrong to be having girls and bochurim together. Dear Author, The only thing wrong with your well written article is the fact that you are allowing yourself to feel guilty for doing the right thing. I challange any commenter to… Read more »

    Guests
    Guest
    Guests

    Don’t feel badly about what hapened. Parents need teach their young people manners espcially in someone else’s house! You did the right thing…..or…you could have fed them on the porch and they couldn’t have eaten in the sukkah anyway…..I’m appalled by the lack of manners within the frum community.
    And, Dear Hostess, I also had a very bad experience during Yom Tov regarding guests…I cried all afternoon…You’re not alone.

    Very Bad Title Indeed
    Guest
    Very Bad Title Indeed

    I appreciate the frustration but to say they ruined your Yom Tov seems to be a little extreme.

    Not that I am dismissing your feelings but your article does not match the title.

    Perhaps the webmaster has oversold your piece in order to garner attention.

    I guess I am falling for his trick.

    No excuses
    Guest
    No excuses

    Not enough room: If ALL the women and girls eat indoors there would be enough room for the males. Boys and girls at one table: See above, if the girls eat indoors with the ladies there is no concern of “boys & girls at one table”. Not enough food: Smaller portions would stretch the food available. I agree with #77 – you evicted uninvited guests from your table just like the episode of Kamtza and Bar Kamtza. Yidden just simply don’t do that! It nebech ruined YOUR Yom Tov – what about THEIR Yom Tov?? I suggest that on Yom… Read more »

    NUM 110
    Guest
    NUM 110

    YOU have serious Chutzpah to write such a thing! This Woman sounds like a huge Machnis Oirech and she’s known to be one! DONT YOU EVER EVER JUDGE!

    #77 made a good point
    Guest
    #77 made a good point

    I am unfamiliar with the Kamtza story but #77 made a good point: If ALL the traditional and Chassidishe Ushpizin would show up at your sukkah – would you accommodate them? Who wouldn’t?! So it comes down to the “type” of guests – the important ones we welcome and find a way to host, but the unimportant “riffraff” we evict like garbage?! Do you think Avrohom Avinu only took in “invited” guests? Can you imagine Avrohom turning away guests? You feel terribly guilty because deep inside you KNOW that you did these people wrong. I agree with #77 that you… Read more »

    It all comes down to this...
    Guest
    It all comes down to this...

    I re-read your article 3 times to see if I can trace the source of where you went wrong and then I found it. You wrote: “Suddenly, I got angry.” Becoming angry, chazal tell us is like serving avoda zara. Once the yetzer harah got control of your emotions, you lost contact with your neshomah. Chazal tell us avarah goreres avarah, from the sin of anger you went on to the sin of throwing out guests, and the resulting rift with your husband, your sholom bayis and your simchas yom tov. But it didn’t end there – no sirree. Your… Read more »

    Chavivi G
    Guest
    Chavivi G

    The people you invited do not have the right to invite others. It was rude of them to do so and take advantage of your generosity. Don’t waste time feeling bad about what you did. The schnoorers had a lot of chutzpah to put you in an embarassing position. They took advantage of your gesture of hospitality.

    A chosid goes lifnei meshuras hadin
    Guest
    A chosid goes lifnei meshuras hadin

    Maybe the guests had no right to invite other guests. Maybe you had no strict chiyuv to cater to the party crashers. But doesn’t a chosid go beyond the strict letter of the law? A chosid goes lifnei meshuras hadin! Especially on sukkas, when we eat in the sukkah even in the rain, al pi din one may eat inside but we go beyond the minimum obligation and even drik water in the pouring rain!! I agree with 77 – you failed badly as a chosid!!

    I am embarrassed
    Guest
    I am embarrassed

    This article is a disgrace. I am embarrassed to think that it gives the impression that this is how Lubavitch treats orchim. Such a wrongful view is reinforced by the first few dozen comments from cheerleaders. I am happy that comment 77 and several others followed with a strong condemnation of the author and her attitude towards guests. I join Number 115, 113, 112, 110, 88 and 77 – thank you for taking the time to write the truth, that such conduct is UNACCEPTABLE in Lubavitch. Let us bring back the glory of Crown Height’s historical and legendary selfless hachnosas… Read more »

    YESHAR COACH
    Guest
    YESHAR COACH

    U ACTUALLY DID THE RIGHT THING!!! I AGREE COMMNG FROM OUT OF TOWN THAT U DEFINALLY NEED TO HAVE A PLACE TO STAY AND EAT YOM TOV MEALS AND TO BE REALLY THANKFULL THAT PEOPLES HOST YOU AND TO RESPECT THEM !!!!! BEAUTIFULL ARTICLE SHOWING WHAT DERECH ERETS IS SUPPOSED TO BE….

    To the writter
    Guest
    To the writter

    First a practical solution: If you don’t want to turn people away and since you can’t plan on everyone in the future behaving like mentchn, and your succah is limited in size, next time say: Ok you are 6, but under no circumstance can you bring more than 12. 8 is ok, 9 is ok, but not 12, there is no room for that. Being clear does help. Second: Where does all these horrible Jewish guilt come from??? You worked hard, hosted a looooot of people, had a nice yom tov? What is wrong with you? Chabad is about being… Read more »

    TZNIUS
    Guest
    TZNIUS

    machnis oirach …… whats with TZNIUS??? ON THIS THERE ARE NO PSHAROS …

    amazing
    Guest
    amazing

    To all those who said she should have taken them in at any cost are really being insensitive. This woman is a human being, not a machine and she simply felt she couldnt handle it, she has that right.

    same thing happened top me
    Guest
    same thing happened top me

    told 7 frenchies who randomly knocked on my door on friday night that it wasnt possible to host them (we had a full house already).
    the guilt, the guilt the guilt,…
    and this is comng from someone who probably collectiovely over yomtov fed around 250 guests.

    crown heights deserves a tremendeous yaasher koach!!!
    Guest
    crown heights deserves a tremendeous yaasher koach!!!

    EVERYONE I know is above capacity. feeding hosting entertaining the THOUSANDS of people whe decend on crown heights. I marvel at all the amazing women and men. how is it possible that moshiach didnt yet reveal himself.

    get over it
    Guest
    get over it

    You’re kvetching over something really ridiculous. You invited total strangers into your home, so they might show up with more people, show up weapons, or not show up at all. You do what you have to do and not fret about it. No room means no room and they get turned away. Stop obsessing with petty “milestones” and fear or retribution from god. Be REASONABLE, and see a shrink.

    Its okay
    Guest
    Its okay

    Its perfectly reasonable to have sent them away. They had no right to be there. According to halocha, you are allowed to send them away. If youre talking about being a tzadeikis, then thats another story, but talking about NEVER sending anyone away, ever: what if 60 people had shown up? Looking to sleep in your kids bedroom? Really?

    X