Dear COLlive,
First off, I want to take this opportunity to wish all my fellow yidden ah gutten moed. I want to tell you my story, as I hope the positive aspects can be repeated, and well, you know, the negatives, my sincerest wish, is that people please learn from it.
I grew up in Crown Heights. My father was a melamed, earning a simple living. We grew up understanding that earning a dollar meant hard work. Our parents gave us everything we needed. There were wants, and sometimes we got them, and sometimes we didn’t. Every little girl loves new Yom Tov clothing, and in our house the little girls were no exception.
When I was about 7 years-old, Mickey Mouse came to join us for Tishrei. OK, he wasn’t really Mickey Mouse, he just got that name because he made funny faces, and sounds. When he spoke they kept us entertained. Mickey Mouse, (I have no idea what his real name is) came along with a group of about 6 French bochurim, who slept in our basement.
They came to be with the Rebbe and were frum. Their chasidishkeit was a beautiful asset to our house when they came for meals. We loved them. They would sing in the sukkah, and Yom Tov was just incredible. They taught me how to sing the pasuk Bereishis in French. (Today over 30 years later, I still remember it.)
Yom Tov was expensive and we were not rich. Every year, my parents sat us kids down, and asked us to choose. Would we prefer 2 new outfits, for Yom Tov, and not have so many guests at the table, or would we be happy with one new outfit each. I don’t think any of us hesitated. We always answered that lots of guests were more exciting. That was because they really enhanced our Yomim Tovim.
I had heard horror stories about guests in the neighborhood, but we never had negative experience. Actually, it actually paid off: I would walk into 770, find the first contingent of French speaking girls, tell them my name, tell them how many boys we’re hosting, and I was inevitably hoisted up between them to be able to see the Rebbe, his Holy face shining and my heart swelling as I got to feel the real “Ashreinu Mah Tov Chelkenu.”
17 PEOPLE? NO BIG DEAL
I got married and moved out of town, so I was unable to continue my mother’s tradition of hosting meals. By Hashgocha Protis, and lots of brochos from the Rebbe, and incredibly good mazal for which I thank Hashem every day, I ended up back in Crown Heights.
I was ecstatic. This year, my husband built from scratch a beautiful sukkah. It was 18 feet long which mean we could host as many people as I could cook for!
Walking down the street, I bumped into two brothers we know who live out of the country. I asked them if they would like to come to me for a meal. They gratefully accepted. At the end of the conversation, they told me, by the way, “our family is here for sukkos, so we number 6 people not two. We hope that it’s ok with you.” I smiled and said sure. I quickly called one of my siblings who is fluent in the language of this families’ origin, and I invited him.
At that point my meal now numbered 17 people. No big deal. I was used to it. After all, I had a perfect role model in my mother. I got up erev Yom Tov and happily finished last minute sukkah preparations, and worked on my menus. I was on my feet the whole day in my kitchen. I was happy, ess kumt a yom tov oif der velt. A passing rain shower could not dim our excitement. Bubby and Zeidy are coming, the kids have arts and crafts to show, and I have a home to host guests.
I happened to see one of the brothers of the family I was hosting, and I confirmed with him, you are coming tonight, right? 6 of you, right? We finished our last minute things, (did you ever notice that when you forget one thing, and run into the store for it, you come out with 5 bags? I am no exception) and came home.
My husband and the kids came home from shul, closely followed by my brother and his wife, my parents and some nephews came next. The family still had not shown up. An hour later, I’m in the kitchen when my husband comes in with the news that the family has shows up accompanied by another 20 people.
I walked into the sukkah and there were a bunch of girls sitting, and the family and entourage standing outside because there was no room to come in. My heart fell. What was this? What was I supposed to do?
My husband said he’s doesn’t know. My mother started with a speech about rolling with punches. My father told me that he didn’t raise me to turn away a guest (tell me about it). My father even offers to leave and make a seudah by himself in a dark sukkah, abi nisht avek shikken a gast.
But sukkah cannot fit 40+ people and we simply didn’t have enough chairs. With the benches and the dining room table chairs upstairs, we would be able to host some of women upstairs. My mind was racing, not as fast as my heart, we didn’t know what to do.
Suddenly, I got angry.
I didn’t stand and cook, and prepare for Yom Tov so that inconsiderate people could ruin my meal. If my parents left, with my brother and his wife, that would open another 4 spaces at the table. I would have a tzushterteh meal, and I still would be sending at least 16 people away.
I looked at the two brothers I invited, and I asked them what they thought I could do. They said, listen, these are people from our city, and they only tried their luck. If you don’t have room, they will go back to Aishel (I will not go into the amount of fundraising calls I had from them to help feed the “Rebbe’s” orchim.)
There was another issue: We had a policy that we don’t host single boys and girls at the same meal. With a heavy heart, I just said, I am not having the (uninvited and unidentified) girls in my sukkah. Apparently, the boys decided that if the girls go, they are going too. We ended up with 10 instead of the group of 6. The meal progressed. It was beautiful. The singing in the sukkah was gorgeous. The niggunim, with the harmony was incredible. The compliments were flowing in, like you would imagine.
AFTERMATH
After the meal (everyone helped clean), when we were both alone in the kitchen, my husband said, “In the 43 years that I am alive, I have NEVER sent anyone away from my table.” Had he moved to Crown Heights to reach such a horrible milestone? I was miserable.
The next day, I went to my mom. I told her, that I could not sleep a whole night over this annoying story. Did I really send 20 people away from my sukkah? Who does that? I can not tell you the guilt I have had all Yom Tov. Every time I saw an extra piece of Gefilteh Fish, or some of that meals’ leftover roast, I felt bad. ‘Those guests could have eaten it.’
The next morning, as I left my house, I found a plate of food (leftover roasts and potatoes) the guests have left outside my house near the garbage for the neighborhood cats. I guess that is what the people do in their city. Really now, that was all I needed.
I came to shul embarrassed that I had to send guests from my house. People were smiling around me, they were enjoying simchas Yom Tov. I was enjoying bile in my throat that I sent guests away from my house. My friends saw that I was unusually quiet. They wanted to know what was wrong. I hung my head in shame. My friends looked at me like I was crazy. “Ein Oirach Machnis Oirach,” I was told over and over again. I vacillated between horrible shame, and righteous indignation.
One friend related an opposite experience. She was asked to host 20 girls. She said yes. No one showed up. She slaved for nothing. They excused themselves with the fact that this sukkah was so far from 770 (I will not go into the fact that they knew the address when they asked to be hosted).
My brother tried to tell me that these uninvited guests were “fine” with what happened. They are on vacation. I wanted to know since when mentchlichkeit goes on vacation. I am left with questions. I am not ‘Fine with it.” I really wasn’t. I still am not.
My simchas Yom tov, and that of my husband was seriously marred by this story. Since when does coming to Crown Heights to the “Rebbe” entitle people to act without thinking? Since when does coming to the Rebbe entitle people to ruin our Yom Tov? I am still uneasy.
FINAL NOTE
Please before you go commenting on COLlive, just remember, the Rebbe wanted guests. He bentched us for the guests we hosted. I just wanted brochos when I invited the family. I hope I will still have that zchus of brochos for hosting the Rebbe’s guest.
I didn’t write this op-ed so that people can rant about how inconsiderate people are. Is it possible though to explain this to the people coming? You are coming to the Rebbe’s shchuna. Real people live here. Real people that are not on vacation.
Consideration for us goes a really long way. Perhaps the rabbis in the out of town communities who are encouraging these masses of guests can also encourage mentchlichkiet and etiquette. Ein Orach Machnis Orach is a halacha.
Oh, and we don’t feed neighborhood cats here – we feed people. You can reserve that for your own town. Please do not make this article into a source for Loshon Hora. I already feel bad enough about what happened.
Its perfectly reasonable to have sent them away. They had no right to be there. According to halocha, you are allowed to send them away. If youre talking about being a tzadeikis, then thats another story, but talking about NEVER sending anyone away, ever: what if 60 people had shown up? Looking to sleep in your kids bedroom? Really?
You’re kvetching over something really ridiculous. You invited total strangers into your home, so they might show up with more people, show up weapons, or not show up at all. You do what you have to do and not fret about it. No room means no room and they get turned away. Stop obsessing with petty “milestones” and fear or retribution from god. Be REASONABLE, and see a shrink.
EVERYONE I know is above capacity. feeding hosting entertaining the THOUSANDS of people whe decend on crown heights. I marvel at all the amazing women and men. how is it possible that moshiach didnt yet reveal himself.
told 7 frenchies who randomly knocked on my door on friday night that it wasnt possible to host them (we had a full house already).
the guilt, the guilt the guilt,…
and this is comng from someone who probably collectiovely over yomtov fed around 250 guests.
To all those who said she should have taken them in at any cost are really being insensitive. This woman is a human being, not a machine and she simply felt she couldnt handle it, she has that right.
machnis oirach …… whats with TZNIUS??? ON THIS THERE ARE NO PSHAROS …
First a practical solution: If you don’t want to turn people away and since you can’t plan on everyone in the future behaving like mentchn, and your succah is limited in size, next time say: Ok you are 6, but under no circumstance can you bring more than 12. 8 is ok, 9 is ok, but not 12, there is no room for that. Being clear does help. Second: Where does all these horrible Jewish guilt come from??? You worked hard, hosted a looooot of people, had a nice yom tov? What is wrong with you? Chabad is about being… Read more »
U ACTUALLY DID THE RIGHT THING!!! I AGREE COMMNG FROM OUT OF TOWN THAT U DEFINALLY NEED TO HAVE A PLACE TO STAY AND EAT YOM TOV MEALS AND TO BE REALLY THANKFULL THAT PEOPLES HOST YOU AND TO RESPECT THEM !!!!! BEAUTIFULL ARTICLE SHOWING WHAT DERECH ERETS IS SUPPOSED TO BE….
This article is a disgrace. I am embarrassed to think that it gives the impression that this is how Lubavitch treats orchim. Such a wrongful view is reinforced by the first few dozen comments from cheerleaders. I am happy that comment 77 and several others followed with a strong condemnation of the author and her attitude towards guests. I join Number 115, 113, 112, 110, 88 and 77 – thank you for taking the time to write the truth, that such conduct is UNACCEPTABLE in Lubavitch. Let us bring back the glory of Crown Height’s historical and legendary selfless hachnosas… Read more »
Maybe the guests had no right to invite other guests. Maybe you had no strict chiyuv to cater to the party crashers. But doesn’t a chosid go beyond the strict letter of the law? A chosid goes lifnei meshuras hadin! Especially on sukkas, when we eat in the sukkah even in the rain, al pi din one may eat inside but we go beyond the minimum obligation and even drik water in the pouring rain!! I agree with 77 – you failed badly as a chosid!!
The people you invited do not have the right to invite others. It was rude of them to do so and take advantage of your generosity. Don’t waste time feeling bad about what you did. The schnoorers had a lot of chutzpah to put you in an embarassing position. They took advantage of your gesture of hospitality.
I re-read your article 3 times to see if I can trace the source of where you went wrong and then I found it. You wrote: “Suddenly, I got angry.” Becoming angry, chazal tell us is like serving avoda zara. Once the yetzer harah got control of your emotions, you lost contact with your neshomah. Chazal tell us avarah goreres avarah, from the sin of anger you went on to the sin of throwing out guests, and the resulting rift with your husband, your sholom bayis and your simchas yom tov. But it didn’t end there – no sirree. Your… Read more »
I am unfamiliar with the Kamtza story but #77 made a good point: If ALL the traditional and Chassidishe Ushpizin would show up at your sukkah – would you accommodate them? Who wouldn’t?! So it comes down to the “type” of guests – the important ones we welcome and find a way to host, but the unimportant “riffraff” we evict like garbage?! Do you think Avrohom Avinu only took in “invited” guests? Can you imagine Avrohom turning away guests? You feel terribly guilty because deep inside you KNOW that you did these people wrong. I agree with #77 that you… Read more »
YOU have serious Chutzpah to write such a thing! This Woman sounds like a huge Machnis Oirech and she’s known to be one! DONT YOU EVER EVER JUDGE!
Not enough room: If ALL the women and girls eat indoors there would be enough room for the males. Boys and girls at one table: See above, if the girls eat indoors with the ladies there is no concern of “boys & girls at one table”. Not enough food: Smaller portions would stretch the food available. I agree with #77 – you evicted uninvited guests from your table just like the episode of Kamtza and Bar Kamtza. Yidden just simply don’t do that! It nebech ruined YOUR Yom Tov – what about THEIR Yom Tov?? I suggest that on Yom… Read more »
I appreciate the frustration but to say they ruined your Yom Tov seems to be a little extreme.
Not that I am dismissing your feelings but your article does not match the title.
Perhaps the webmaster has oversold your piece in order to garner attention.
I guess I am falling for his trick.
Don’t feel badly about what hapened. Parents need teach their young people manners espcially in someone else’s house! You did the right thing…..or…you could have fed them on the porch and they couldn’t have eaten in the sukkah anyway…..I’m appalled by the lack of manners within the frum community.
And, Dear Hostess, I also had a very bad experience during Yom Tov regarding guests…I cried all afternoon…You’re not alone.
1) There were simply too many people to fit in the Sukka. “I walked into the sukkah and there were a bunch of girls sitting, and the family and entourage standing outside because there was no room to come in.” Would anyone tell me how to keep all the guests if they did not fit? 2) It is flat out wrong to be having girls and bochurim together. Dear Author, The only thing wrong with your well written article is the fact that you are allowing yourself to feel guilty for doing the right thing. I challange any commenter to… Read more »
How could you feel guilty. Let’s say you had the room and the food, how could you have bochurim and girls together at your table?
Why is it anything like Bar Kamtza? Bar Kamtza was INVITED to a party (albeit by mistake) and was singled out to be thrown out because his host didn’t want him there – even though there was enough food, space and he offered to pay for his own food and then for the whole party! Here, an invited family brought uninvited guests, who DID have somewhere else to eat, they were just ‘trying their luck’. The hostess would have acomodated them, but simply couldn’t for lack of space, chairs and food and for tznius issues. And she felt terrible for… Read more »
2 and 4 – make sense. 6 13 and 67 – not so smart. 34 76 and 80 – pretty eloquent. 56 12 and 65 – nice sharp language, liking the disses. 8 43 28 61 and 31 – oholei toirah chai……
It’s easy to say “Never turn a guest away”. Some women don’t have the coyach to cook all day. Some don’t even have the coyach to have that many guests, even if they got help preparing the meal. They don’t need any guilt trips. (Leave that for travel agents.)
It says in Shulchan Orach that a guest is not aloud to invite another guest without asking the host first.
i feel 4 u ….but i dont like the head line of the artical
Your feelings are legitimized. But if you sincerely wanted to avoid lashan harah etc you would have kept the situation to yourself or brought it to the attention of Eshel. I detect a sprinkle of intolerance for the “Rebbeh”s guest and wondering if this column is justifiable to guilt alone.
In life everything should be done in moderation , why should this woman have to suffer and get anxiety because some out of town guests decide to be inconsiderate the whole ” Israeli’s treat u nicely in Israel even though they don’t know u has limits also” This article needed to be written because some people need to learn how to stop acting like pigs cuz pigs are not kosher.
you were tested and you already told us how you fared. tests are never easy or fun. if everything went as planned what would be the test in that? if you did the right thing you wouldn’t feel guilty. maybe you weren’t wrong by the letter of the law but i think you feel you could have done better. also theres no use in feeling down or blaming the world or saying they ruined your yom tov. first that people have to be mentchen is no chiddush and is always applicable. scream it from a roof. second no harm was… Read more »
it’s also important for your children to see that you don’t let yourself get treated like a schmatta and that we have standards re boys and girls at the same table.worst of all is if the kids would have seen their grandparents leaving.they come first!
this is not in any way analogous to the kamtza,bar kamtza story.the women did not say no out of hate;she poshut didn’t have room.also bar kamtza thought he was invited.these poeple just decided to show up with the extra 20.
i dont agree with #77!! this is not a beis hamikdash and we live in crown heights/new york city. To the author of this article: u shouldnt feel bad at all. u did the right thing. it would have been more embarrassing if they came and ui had no room and no food for them. they wouldve gotten angry instead.
i so agree with 77! every time some little thing happens u dont have to go and write op eds….face up to it and keep it within your own foour walls!
they go round 770 ripping off all vaad talmidei hatmimim haolomi papers – just an example of eshel terror
behave mentschlich, thoses are the kind of guests that sure behave nicely
How dare you hurt the author’s feelings so viciously by committing her? She is obviously a sensitive person and your harsh words simply twist the knife into her heart. Comparing her actions to Kamtza u’Bar Kamtza is simply cruel.Even if you are right, she deserves an apology.
just as kids are not korban pesach
so let guests respect family life in ch
You sound so much like a brainwashed christian missionary, l”a.
I never looked at it like a Bar Kamtza scenario. Thanks for pointing it out. You hit the nail on the target.
but even a mitzvah needs to have boundaries.
we need them to give balance to our lives.
this experience was probably there for you to learn that you need boundaries without the guilt.
it is one thing to be generous, it is another to be a shmata.
I agree, these ppl were sent to you to teach you boundaries.
you poshet didn’t have room, what’s the question.
thank Hashem for teaching you this important lesson,
self ahavas yisroel 🙂
Why does that make them not be orchim?
why is this womans venting on COL. The article is way long and there’s no point to it
i dont know what your beating your self up about these people are to blame for trying it on an turning up i would not give it a second thought u did the right thing
The Rebbe is for sure shepping nachas at these comments. Look at the deep-rooted Ahavas Yisroel hidden in each comment. Even the critical comments. Because each one shows that there is a given that we Lubavitchers are doers of good and kindness. that we are grapling with ways to do as much good as possible, weighing realistically what our limits are and should be… with the overall goal of making ourselves into keilim to do good.
I am proud to be a Lubavitcher.
a gut ge’benched yahr to all.
what do you have against frenchies?
they are not the only guest who come around, and they dont even benefit from eshel at all
moreover the Rebbe used to pay half of their tickets
I was actually the lucky one that got to move away but this is the only disagreement we are going to have YOu have nothing to feel bsad about and I’m sure you heard that from many peolle by now it seem to me though that no matter what others told you already you were compelled to write about it on a very public stage as if you are in need of everyone’s approval I have some news for you THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU!!! If there is anything you are guilty of is the fact that you didn’t… Read more »
hachnasas orchim is not when u find it comfortable or easy, its when hashem decides to send u some guests. thats TRUE hachnasas orchim. thats the TRUE test and true chesed.
it seems to me that you FAILED!!
good luck next time !
Over 20 years ago when I came to CH for seminary, I had experienced so many new and beautiful things about CH. I lived in the dormitory across the street from 770, so we had many “guests” as you could imagine. However, on my first night of seeing and enjoying simchas beis hashoeva I came home tired and ready to sleep a good few hours before getting up and taking on the next day. When I opened up my dorm room door, not only did I find a stranger asleep in my room, she had removed my mattress, pillow and… Read more »
I read this and truly feel your pain. I know that yuo went out of your way to do as best you can and you did very well. From the prespective of the guests you had the full right to do what you did. However, you know see that having the beautiful chinuch that your parents gave you, turning them away ended up being more painful for YOU and Your HUSBAND, than figuring our a way to accomodate. I also feel that taking them in would have created a priceless memory for your children. Thisis in no way a criticsm.… Read more »
The Bais Hamikdosh was destroyed because the uninvited guest Bar Kamtza was evicted by the host. This is very serious! Imagine for a moment if Melech HaMoshiach or one of the Ushpizin “crashed” at your sukka – would you evict them?? I know there is “no room” or “not enough food” or any other legitimate excuses, but wouldn’t you be creative and find a way to keep them in your sukka?? Are these “rchim” any less deserving then the Ushpizin?? This is analogous to the dreadful story of Kamtza and Bar Kamtza and in my opinion you SHOULD feel guilty!… Read more »
Israeli Bocherim last nite with NO guilt!!!
Why do they think it’s ok to start far-ranging at 11pm in a residential place(outside our bed room windows) waking up my entire fam and keeping us up with singing ,banging on tables talking screaming etc??!!!
1am I went down stairs and made them leave.
Guests I urge u to have more consideration for us residents.
Gmar tov! I wish I knew who you were so that I could tell you how IMPRESSED I am with your mentshlichkeit. You invited guests that you could accomodate in your sukka and you most certainly should enjoy hosting your incredible parents who brought you up with a wonderful chinuch. You are way too hard on yourself and have NOTHING to feel guilty about. It is understood that the guests who come from out-of-town have somehow managed to afford the plane ticket. It is only responsible of them to insure that they have places to eat BEFORE booking their tickets.… Read more »
I think the 20 that showed up by u were the same 20 that didnt show up to ur friend… 🙂
first of all what is hachnosas orchim? These kids come for the crown heights tishrei experience. they go shopping, run around, get a job in boro park pizza shop. when i am called at 12:00am and told that a couple just came and have no where to sleep, i ask what were they thinking? would you go to israel or france and show up in shul and say give me a place to stay? the author wants to feel good about herself and take in these kids, go ahead, but it is not hachnosas orchim. i have 31 people total… Read more »
let us stop them from all coming in , A family of 4 came in with no place to stay … single guests are one thing .. but don’t come in with children not having a place to sleep or pre arranged meals .. pushkas on kingston empire kosher that say hachnasas orchim and the bochurim go around collecting money so they can come in next year should go to families of 4 or more here in our neighborhood… because clearly these out of towners that come do not appreciate anything. The Rebbe was againts people coming in on debts
it’s not just about guests.bichlal in life there are those who take advantage.it’s hard for those of us who are by nature givers to say no but we have to set boundries to be able to function and to have koiach left for our own families. it took me a long time to learn this.
Agree with number 11
those who sponsor tickets for guests who cannot afford the trip, in order to make a political point
Bile is stored in your gallbladder, how did it make it all the way up to your throat? Also I don’t know why you are having a miserable yon Tov bc of this, as you said it clearly wasn’t your fault, so just move on…
For everyone’s information:
In the good old days: When guests used to come – they were TAKA Orchim! Real Yungelaet and Eltere Yidden, coming to the Rebbe for Tishrei.
But – now:
Hardley Yungelait come. No one blames them. For what?The “guests” that do come are 95% Bochrim and Girls.. Some are ok but some “do not know what hit them”!
CH barely has Orchim!!
Some Eshel organizers like to compare all CHers to father Abraham – you must be like him etc… well I am not sure if Avraham would torment his wife if they had babies crying at home….
So why are some guests behaving as if they were in Sedom? We have here in Crown Heights great hosts!
Guests respect your hosts!
Hosts are working so hard for guests!
Blame the management of Eshel, not the great guests (almost all of them)!
The rebbe said in various occaisions that guests can only come if their purpose is to learn Torah.. the rebbe mentioned the halacha that one may not leave eretz yisrael unless he comes for learning.
I think that the type of guests the rebbe wanted wouldn’t be that inconsiderate.
I think things are a bit different than the way the rennet intended them to be
#23
7 people makes more sense the story sounds like its a bit exaggerated but 17 extra people sounds made up no offense … it is still wrong of the guest to do that i do agree with that
She never said they were Israeli, why do you assume? Maybe they are French or Brazilian or Spanish? Why jump to bash Israelis. That’s not how they are raised, not all of them.
You did what you could, you tried to make as many stay as possible, you tried to prevent the single guys and single girls from sitting and it didnt work, you did what you COULD, and you still truly hosted many for a great meal, please dont feel bad about this, we all wish that all of Am Yisroel will be under one sukkah, united in the times of Moshiach, please NOW!
Nothing at all to be upset about. Real hachnosas orchim refers to bringing in people who literally don’t have where to go or what to eat. These people have alternate choices where to go and what to eat. It’s only a question of “will I get a 3 course main course- steak, chicken & shnitzel or just one main course- and will I get dessert-one or two combination on the plate?” None of the orchim are going hungry. Don’t let this shter your Yom Tov! There’s only so much you can do and you did better than fine! Today (Tues)… Read more »
…..nothing will change. There will still be people whose world revolves only around themselves. Lets just try to find a place at the table for all of them. It’s what the Rebbe would want, and lets do it in the merit of all that we are…and with ahavas yisroel.
I think Mrs. is overreacting, but because she is a genuinely nice & caring person. I refuse to have boys & girls at my table, Succos or otherwise. I am appalled at the mingling that goes on here with so-called “guests of the Rebbe.” I was by the train yesterday waiting for a ride & I saw a group of 7-8 boys & girls fooling around & throwing trash. when I told one young man (I asked him to move from where he was standing in front of the bench so I could sit) that we don’t throw water bottles… Read more »
The first year that my parents bought their house, the night before yom kippur a bochur knocked on the door. He had no where to sleep. We didnt have room, except for a basement that needed serious help. The bochur came in, together with his brother, and by the time Simchas Torah came, we had 20 boys sleeping mattress to mattress there. My parents did over the basement with the guests in mind, that we should be able to do a mattress to mattress thing always. Lifelong friendships ensued. Today my parents have next generation boys coming in to say… Read more »
I was a bocher hosted by very generous families in CH for Tishrei, i must tell you that we learned from them how to do Hachnosas Orchim. Your Hachnosas Orchim has a great impact all around the world as people are learning from you year by year!!!!!! now we have every week around the year (literally) over 20 people, and sometimes i don’t even have a salary… 1 small suggestion, if you do it dont think too much, for good or for bad, after you do the right decision, dont think of yourself and dont think “too much” for the… Read more »
i have a suggestion there should b 2 people that any person who would like to go to for a meal at a family setting not at hachnochos archim room where there is 100 of people at families who would like visiters should tell thes 2 people how many they can have then there wont be any women who work so hard over yomtov getting upset im having 15 people each meal over yomtov im finding it tough shopping smiling etc i dont no how the people from crown heights are managing also finachilly maybe the families who have tishrei… Read more »
35 years ago I was a polite little English boy and was in CH for Tishrei at least 10 times. Even though I was polite and little, said my ‘P’s and ‘Q’s (thats ‘Please’ and ‘Thank you’) I took it all for granted and must have been a brat. Ich Ver Shoin Elter but its not too late to say a real ‘Thank You’ to those ‘baalabosteh’s, as well as baalai battim who opened their homes and kitchens to people like me. Thank you.
To # 47- Very Well Said ! Its refreshing to hear someone writing with control and logic.
my mother allway goes out her wy way to help people and i follow in her footsteps doing anything i can to help may hashem bless u for the great mitzva youv done
Why is it not on Col.org.il? I am sure Israelis have to hear about it more than Crown Heightsers…
They have any bad kavana’s, just not enough aware.
I posted a comment, but it looks like it didnt go up yet (titled: what happened to ch) I realized i had not finished my thought. I agree the writer did the correct thing by sending the “xtra” guest back to eishel, there was nothing wrong with that. Eishel is there for that reason. However, her rant about feeling guilty belongs on a facebook status, not a community website. The guest presume that houses are completely open in CH during Tishrei (for some that is true) and they try their luck…its like eating camp food versus food your mom sent… Read more »
French and Israelis and all other guests would never call people on the phone or ring the bell late night, so why do they do it when they come to Crown Heights?!
To 33
You get my vote. Very well said (I am number 7)
They wanna go on vacation, okay, but why call it Hachnosas Orchim?!
Lets not talk about when your sleepover guests make your home into a dormitory!
he is not saying that he has never sent any orchim away, he is saying that in his whole life from being a little boy up till now he never had to stand up (WITH HIS WIFE) or be in the situation where ppl had to be sent away.
you gotta understand that the way things are written are not always the way they would be said. try to think of the other person’s perspective before you say (type) such things.
I approved your courage to tell them in a gentle way IT’S A CHUZPA, i know who they are and last year they did the same thing to me too and i had to open my mouth too, please not the 2 brothers relatives but not their entire city.. plus THEY DO NOT BRING YOU A BOTTLE OF WINE OR A PIECE OF CHALLAH, as a matanah. BUT I SUPPORT YOU AND TO YR HUSBAND TELL HIM HE’S NOT ON HIS FEET TO COOK ALL DAY OVER AND OVER BET. PEELING AND COOKING AND WASHING POTS OTHERWISE HE WILL UNDERSTAND… Read more »
i find it very not fare when we invite gust to our shaboss meal and we tell them we start at 130 and they show up 230 i work all week i need an hour rest and then go over the gemorah with my kids. then also they say there bringing 3 friends and only 2 show up. gust have to understnd that wer working family ppl
As a side note. You said you had bile in your throat. How is that even possible?
and everyone needed to grow a little.
How do I tell my invited guests that there is not enough food and chairs to go around because we have 10 unexpected guests that I hate to send away? How do I tell my hungry children that they will have half the amount to eat because the newcomers must be served? Are the children not as important to me? Do I want my children to resent the newcomers? NO! So I told my unexpected guests that I have room for 3 or 4 but not more. They chose to leave and we still had a big Sukka bursting with… Read more »
This whole thing is a waste of 10 million dollars. Make no mistake most of these Frenchies coming here are just tourists that come here because its free lodging & food. Clearly it has nothing to the Rebbe. The Yechi faction uses it to falsely enhance their numbers. The people who waste their money on them versus giving it to Tzedaka to Mosdos & individual families in need. Chaval!
Tishrei is all about the guests.
Israelis have a way about them and u know that if you invite 6, you will have 40…and if you are so machmir that you make for exactly the amount you have invited, then make sure to let the guest know what room you have avail and what rules you go by…like that you wont be in the uncomfortable postion of turnign guests away.
If there is a will, there is a way…
I heard a similar story this week. That they hosts said they could take up to 6 bochurim and after the unexpected guests showed up there were ultimately 41 people. After everyone had washed the baal habayis washed and when he tried to go into the sukkah one of the orchim said, “Ain makom.” Personally, I understand just where you are coming from. Everyone says, “Oh, 20 years ago it was different. People were more open to guests.” Twenty years ago, it wasn’t that every boy over bar mitzvah came to NY from Rosh Chodesh Elul through Rosh Chodesh Cheshvan.… Read more »
Husband, would you like never to turn away a guest? No problem, you do all the cooking…
Did you not donate anything or invite anyone so why are they still calling? Don’t worry those who said yes once to them get allot more calls and get charged more…
Learning is not free in 770, the woman in charge of the report cards of the girls back in Israel, is demanding $50 from each girl for learning expenses, and so those kind of people are sending them to families for Seudos although the host agreed for 6 but the arrangers back in 770 tell 26 to go – some things in the system of Eishel is not done right (I would not really blame these poor ashamed Orchim).
Many families in CH have several very little children, should they be Mafkir their family for guests?!
Lots of people write op-eds just to let off steam. They are upset and they type it up, email it to col and then col publishes it and presto! they feel better. No therapy is needed. Also, as someone who published a dozen op-eds on col and other sites, often I submit it with a headline and they replace it with their own, so not necessarily was the “my yom tov was ruined” the words that the author wrote. A website’s job is to make sure the headlines are catch enough for people to click on them…
If your local chabad center hosts an open house shabbos meal, no reservations needed, or there’s someone who is known to prepare for more guests than they really expect, then you don’t need to reserve. But if somone invites 2 people, and they ask if they can make it 6, and show up with an hour late with an extra 20! Gevalt! What are they thinking? And this is a 3 day yom tov! You can’t feed them all and then have no food for your family and invited guests for the next two days! Ok, sometimes there’s an emergency.… Read more »
No meaning to judge your husband, but it’s easy to say “I’ve never sent away a guest before” than to cook a whole day (or more) and be faced with an impossible situation like you had. If 100 people showed up would he still say “we never send away guests”?
Dear husband, respect your wife’s hard work and dedication instead of making her feel guilty and ruining her yom tov.
Btw I am husband too.
18 and 19 just shut up. and 20 and 21 r good. 17 i dont think 2 shifts wouldve worked in this case.
Move on!!!! Just don’t forget to thank Hashem that these are the frustrations that you have to deal with…. …. I mean… common…….. 20 people didn’t have where to eat so they tried your house you didn’t have room so yala… move on!!!! They certainly did!!!!!
first of all, if they came and saw that they were more people than you could handle, I would think that if THEY were menschen, then they would leave or apologize or something. Why should YOU have to appologize, it doesnt make sense. Secondly, I have heard many many stories about people who have been mistreated and used inappropriately, to the point of giving their key to some girls for a basement side door entrance, and they left it open at night for OTHER girls to come in and out as they wished. Nothing to even say about that. Someone… Read more »
And that has to be besimcho its the strugel every one is tested with yet that’s in the kitchen My zeide used to stand in comunist russia and try and get a tsenter for the minyan yet in free america when you try to get the tzenter we have all the valid reasons why I couldent make the minyan I personely I’m a shliach and every day you have this nisoyon it dosent come in the form of the kitchen but say you promist some one a minyan so he can say kaddish and You work hard calling 8 other… Read more »
First off # 10 what you said was nice but youre just stupid, she cant make a neder not to turn away guests imagine way to many people show up again. To anyone who said not to turn away guests or squish them in etc. etc. is wrong. Simply bc what do u want her to do? Have people bumper to bumper with not enough food to go around, i mean come on if u read the article just use your brain it woundnt hav worked. I’m obviously not saying dont invite guests just know ur limits and if u… Read more »
not to say no to a guest is a rule, but every rule has it’s exceptions. if there wasn’t enough place means, they weren’t MEANT to be there.
im sure they went to eshel and enjoyed their night without thinking too much… no need to feel so bad – no one went hungry or angry…
as much as you dont wont it to be loshon hora and to be a negative feeling by posting it on col and with such a title it just spreads bad i remember there was an op ed how we should only see positive so if its not something nice then dont share it on this news website and the people that you want to learn form it dont read this but still kol hakavod for you actions that you took and u should have only a simchadik yomtov!
You did! Without even discussing the merits or lack thereof of turning the guests away, you needed to shake off the incident and move on.
In my many years in this world, I have seen the Yetzer Hora work his ways many times by finding something to be miserable about at a time when one is supposed to be happy.
You needed to decide in your heart what would have been the proper thing to do and make a resolution in your heart to do it the next time something like this comes up.
a couple months ago i was in venice for shabbos. BH they had a very large crowd. “oh this is just a small week, about 400” i was curious to see how they were going to feed all these people and fit them all into their restaurant. guess what? they made two shifts! we were recipients of someone else’s kindness and we did not complain. we waited patiently for the second shift.
perhaps that is a solution when there is simply not enough space. im sure the guests will understand that if they came univited…..
You guys are the Greatest & Sweetest & Most Amazing People on Earth & You have No Idea how Hashem will Bentch You now!
Collive gave wrong title to this episode. What a great chassidishe woman the writer is. Something for all of us to learn from!
That does sound like a horrible situation. Not having boys and girls at a meal is the only inexcusable reason for sending people away.
Other than that it must have been a hard situation. Dont Worry, Hashem loves you!
Hashem will Bentch You and You will have a Gutte Kvittel iyH!
There are many people who are not Mentchlich, it’s not just the guests there are many people in our community as well.
But I would starve before I would turn away a guest, Mentch or no Mentch.
I don’t see why you should feel so guilty. You invited certain people, and a very generous group too…you did not prepare for more than that…you did the best you could. It would not have been simcha-dik, squishing 40 ppl into a small sukka.
You did the best you could under the circumstances! Stop feeling guilty about it!!!!
i agree and understand how guilty you feel. it pains your heart to turn guests away. all your life you followed one shita, and now you were caught ofguard and felt forced to turn some guests away that didnt have anywhere else to go, otherwise they wouldnt have showed up to you. I feel your sense of guilt, and i feel that theres has got to be a way for you to make up for it. hashem didnt give you this test for nothing, like He has nothing better to do with his time then test you. If Hashem gave… Read more »
every one is working hard over YT its a very stresfull time, Being on shlichus this happenes every week, and we just keep serving the food… and people just keep showing up/or not showing up. i think your article is something you should have typed to let of some steam or better write it down with a pen and then disgarded, and gone back to celebrating Yt.
keep up your great work.
Allot of these youngsters are coming to be Poirek Oil without parents guidance while milking their parents for a airplane ticket which cost a month and a half of salary (many Lubavitchers in Israel are earning about $900 per month), let them stay home to help their parents!
You are right. You did what was necessary. They were trying their luck at a home, since the “guest house meal” was perhaps not as warming as being in a home. They would have enjoyed it, but they didn’t make arrangements to there, or at someone else’s home. If it was imperative, they would have made arrangements, rather then crashing. The guest do not feel responsible because they don’t know you. DO NOT invite people off the street. Invite orchim that you know. They aren’t being bad guest, they are being people on vacation. This is the only successful tishrai… Read more »
And then there are those Oiver Bottel Orchim who did not pay their Pikodoin and did not take their turn to work in the Eishel kitchen or did not come to all the Shiurim in 770 so they are not allowed to eat in Eishel and are starving and weak.
well written,,,,chabad muhnt seder…a person has to know where he will sleep or eat when ones comes for tishrie…i find it inconceivable that a couple or families come here without knowing where they will sleep or eat….its beyond primitive.
i think u did the right thing the israes are nice people and dont haveanything bad in mind just thats the way they are brought but that doeant mean u have to feel bad if u dont have space
Why sre you torturing yourself. They may have been “guests” in crown heights, but they were not your guests. You did not turn away guests, you turned away gate crashers.
coming to tishrei is fine – but you need to be mentshlech.
YOu need to have a place to sleep – and not crash in on people unannounced.
You need to be thoughful before you bring a million people with you to a place to eat…
I think they just think its a free for all…its all basically anonymous cuz you dont know who they are, even when they rock up at your house……so theres no shame…
I think you did as best as you could under the circumstances and hope hashem sends you an abundance of good tidings as you guys are one heck of a family!