Don’t Let Social Media Script Your Relationships

By Frayda D. Kaplan, LMFT (@thejewishtherapist)

If you spend any time on social media, you’ve likely encountered videos promising to help you identify whether “you’re married to a boy and not a man.” Scroll a bit further, and you’ll find content warning about “toxic relationships,” celebrating “cycle breakers,” and the rising popularity of labeling difficult people in your life as “narcissistic.” Then there’s the internet’s obsession with red flags versus green flags.

Relationships are inherently complex. Long-term, emotionally intimate relationships, whether with a spouse, parents, siblings, or close friends, are especially challenging, mainly because all long-term, emotionally intimate bonds will include conflict. If a relationship has never experienced conflict, it is either not long-term or not emotionally intimate.

Conflict itself is not inherently negative. It offers us opportunities for growth, deeper understanding, and stronger connections. Through conflict, we learn to hear different perspectives, practice patience and respect amid disagreement, and develop the skills to navigate disagreement within the relationship even when we can’t resolve it completely. These are the foundations of healthy boundaries and mature relationships.

But conflict can be extremely painful. We can experience feelings of betrayal, isolation, being misunderstood, or being taken for granted. Within that painful space—when we’re struggling to manage conflict effectively—watching a clip about “signs of being married to a boy instead of a man” or one of countless videos about “toxic relationships” will almost invariably trigger confirmation bias.

To be clear, this is not about giving a pass to people who are abusive and dangerous. Recognizing and acting to stop abuse is crucial for safety. However, there’s an important distinction between abuse and the struggles that characterize most relationship challenges.

From a clinical perspective, labeling relationships or people as “toxic” offers zero therapeutic value. These broad labels actually shut down the nuanced understanding necessary for relationship repair. When we reduce complex human dynamics to hashtags and catchphrases, we lose the opportunity for genuine connection and growth.

This trend toward labeling and cutting off difficult relationships has contributed to rising rates of family estrangement, a phenomenon with extremely severe, long-lasting psychological consequences that some have called a silent epidemic.

Ironically, though presented as helping people recover from childhood trauma or avoid harmful relationships, teaching people to constantly scan for red flags actually conditions them to become hypervigilant—itself a symptom of trauma. We risk creating the very problem we’re trying to solve.

When we want to improve a relationship, being present and remaining curious are the foundations of healthy communication. Instead of broad accusations, we can identify specific challenges: perhaps there’s been an attachment injury that needs healing, a mismatch in conflict styles that creates misunderstandings, or accumulated resentment that requires addressing.

As we say in Israel, efshar acheret—there’s another way.

Not everyone you dislike is a narcissist. Not every difficult relationship is toxic. Conflict is not abuse, and disagreement is not gaslighting.

Consider these possibilities for changing the conversation, and with that, our relationships and our lives:

Instead of searching for signs you’re “married to a boy instead of a man,” identify specific areas where you feel unappreciated and share these concerns using “I” statements that focus on your experience rather than character attacks.

Instead of ruminating about how “toxic” someone is, be specific about what feels difficult in that relationship and consider what healthy boundaries might protect both you and the connection.

Instead of celebrating yourself as a “cycle breaker”—which can create an adversarial dynamic with your family of origin—acknowledge that you’ve learned tools and perspectives your parents may not have had access to, honoring both your growth and the struggles of previous generations.

Language shapes our relationships profoundly. Words can either shut down the connection or help us stay present enough to work toward positive change.

There is a significant difference between abuse and even the most challenging relationship. If you’re genuinely unsure about your situation, speak to a qualified mental health professional or consult with a rabbi who understands these distinctions. Pop psychology will not help you grow or heal.