Create Account
ב"ה
Monday, 18 Av, 5779
  |  August 19, 2019
    < >

    Dear Singles, Don’t Give Up

    From the COLlive inbox: A girl in her mid-twenties has a simple message for all the Chabad single boys and girls out there. Full Story

    Oholei Torah Starts Marking 60th

    Next Story »

    Rabbi Groner Farbrengs in English

    53
    Opinions and Comments

    To keep track of your comments, follow a conversation or flag a comment Login
    avatar
      Subscribe  
    newest oldest most voted
    Notify of
    Shadchan 770
    Guest
    Shadchan 770

    Great idea! and let’s advice to all parents and shadchans let your kid try it out, don’t resist to the gezha or BT name, see better inside of the person of course the midos.
    Lots of shidduchim that we share as shadchanim got rejected unfortunately for the only and only reason gezh name … Com’on !

    shadchanim
    Guest
    shadchanim

    How about answering a call once in awhile?How about an email?How about not ignoring people and just say you don’t have someone at the moment?We’ve had experiences where someone drops you and then so does the shaddchan for what reason???The rudeness and insensitivity is sometimes much worse than a prospect just saying not shayech.I cannot understand why certain people get into the business when they want to help certain people only-they could care less how they hurt young vulnerable singles….someone please explain all this to me.

    A thought
    Guest
    A thought

    “To my friends who are giving up on shidduchim – and to my fellow Chabad singles all over, I offer the following message: If you feel something, say something.” –not what my melamid said in yeshiva!

    I will never forget
    Guest
    I will never forget

    My daughter had been in shidduchim for awhile. I was at a Lechaim with a friend and I went over to a well know shadchan to say hi and realizing that she had not returned phonecall from a week or two prior . Oh the shadchan says I thought you were calling about a shidduch: so I didn’t return your phonecall and she was giggling. How embarrassing this was since she said this outloud in front of a friend. I was so embarrassed. In reality I was calling her to find out information about a worker she was using and… Read more »

    Shadchonim
    Guest
    Shadchonim

    Personally I only use them as a go between. Makes more sense for a shidduch to be made when someone knows both party’s . So I call up a shadchan as I hear about a wonderful girl for my son, the person who called me knows both my son and this girl and thinks it’s a brilliant match but is too closely linked to get involved . I name the girl and this shadchan totally ignores me and starts pushing another girl… I try interrupting and she goes on and on not letting me get a word in , she… Read more »

    Ahavas yisroel
    Guest
    Ahavas yisroel

    People who partner with Almighty G-d in shidduchim, officially, should definitely have a heart.

    We appreciate your efforts. We would appreciate greater sensitivity.

    It would help..
    Guest
    It would help..

    Where are all the ” good” boys hiding?? Or are there none?More than encouragement and upbeat talk – with sooo many really good girls and not so many (seemingly) good boys, there IS so much to get discouraged about. Boys, shape up and undertake marriage like a mentch. It will be the best decision you have ever made!

    Dearest Mothers
    Guest
    Dearest Mothers

    Many mothers hijack their children’s shidduchim. Unintentionally. We ALL want what is best for our child. Your list may not be the same as Hashem’s though, and are you sure you are holding out for the right things? Picking a girl because of her last name, or in order to smooth the way for your other kids to marry ‘good names’, is putting the wrong priority on your child’s shiddach. Look for the middos you want, and the commitment a girl has to yiddishkeit, pick someone you think your son will like, who seems to be normal and healthy and… Read more »

    People out there
    Guest
    People out there

    There are plenty of people out there and names being thrown. Around, there is fish in the sea, until

    You ask someone are they looking for and they answer something very straightforward and right sounding like looking for a mentch of a guy or. Something like a chasidish bochur…

    Then you offer them exactly that and they come up with oh the sister is divorced or something like the bochur doesn’t always wear hat and jacket…

    THIS IS THE ISSUE

    21st centry - app
    Guest
    21st centry - app

    We live in a world where one should be able to innovate in order to improve our lives. How about an app where people can post their information (without contact info) and then you can “poke” them directly to see if there is an interest. If they respond to the poke, you get a drop down of shadchoinm, who contact both parties to take it to the next level. It can have a verifying component, it can have a feature where you can poke only one person at a time and only if after 72hrs they don’t accept, can you… Read more »

    to #1
    Guest
    to #1

    To # 1 “Lots of shidduchim that we share as shadchanim got rejected unfortunately for the only and only reason gezh name … Com’on’ !
    you are right gezah should not be the only criteria . Look for a person with midos, tochen, yiras shomayim and correct values.

    money & shanchanis
    Guest
    money & shanchanis

    im just curious. Does coming from a family with money make a difference as far as shadchan is concerned? meaning, will they be more proactive when they get a call from a wealthy family, geshe, or not. regarding the “shidduch crisis” i think its a product of the community at large. what do you expect from two people that have never had any real social interaction with the opposite sex. there has to be some sort of leeway for boys, and girls 18 and older. give them just a little more leg room, and you’ll see a big difference. also… Read more »

    To 11...You are Right
    Guest
    To 11...You are Right

    Money trumps every criteria in the shidduch world. Very Shallow.

    Gezah
    Guest
    Gezah

    Gezah has a lot of 000’s in front of their name, you have to do something, be something, accomplish something to put the one before the 00’s. We had a nightmare story with one ‘so called’ gezah family, the worst family that you could possibly pick in Lubavitch.

    Hey
    Guest
    Hey

    A really uplifting and thoughtful article. It has a very positive vibe (get it?). It aptly describes many of our collective experiences. Where can I get the author’s contact info so I can send her a possible shidduch suggestion? One important point to add: the reason most of us are very disappointed with shadchanim is because we have wrong expectations from them. When I entered the shidduch parsha I looked to shaddchanim as some great powerful know it all gurus who would assist and guide me along a long and unfamiliar terrain. After many pitfalls and bruises (to self esteem)… Read more »

    dont give up, but
    Guest
    dont give up, but

    Don’t give up, BUT also don’t sit around with your life on hold until you get married.

    Shadchonim chabad
    Guest
    Shadchonim chabad

    Just like everything els in Chabad they are turning over the world for a fry person. But when it comes to inner we are so un pathal (no path) and who ever gave someone who is a Shadchan some extra powers? U think they can do something superficial then anyone els? Don’t rely on a “person” that Dosent call you back ..next! – aside for what is considered a Shadchan” is just the most yente man or woman – no degrees no psychology no extra relationship / marriage training etc.. Just simple yente.. Generally associated with low self esteem or… Read more »

    Moshe
    Guest
    Moshe

    To # 2 these type of people were born with their rudeness can change that. what I don’t understand is why they take such a job where you have to be sensitive and caring. And a lot of these shadchanim have a reputation of being rude why would people even go to them

    All sounds so desperate
    Guest
    All sounds so desperate

    Why is being / remaining single considered to be the worse thing in the frum Jewish world for both men and women? Maybe it’s their destiny, and not a choice for a significant minority, for multifarious reasons eg. severe health reasons, autism, etc. There are lots of other ways they could be leading good and purposeful Jewish lives, surely?

    Live!
    Guest
    Live!

    Work on yourself. Enjoy your life. You are only young and single once. You are not an “old maid” for heaven sakes. Travel, learn new skills, create, start a business. Radiate confidence and you will find your partner.

    Some points
    Guest
    Some points

    1. There seems to be a lot of finger pointing – and blame bashing.

    2. Wrong priorities going on – very surprising from a Chabad community.

    3. Lack of basic mentchlichkeit and Ahavas Yisroel.

    4. To #8 what do you mean by “normal”?? who or what is “normal”??

    5. And to the author – how lucky you are that you are actually going on dates and getting offers!!!

    To #7
    Guest
    To #7

    Good question.

    However, let’s study some basic marketing economics.
    When people do not buy a product, you do not ask what is wrong with the costumer. You ask what is wrong with the product.
    The nimshal is obvious.

    thanks!
    Guest
    thanks!

    this piece is so sweet and positive. a nice change from complaining, just stepping back to be hopeful and positive, thank you!

    The "system"
    Guest
    The "system"

    There is no question we have/are doing something wrong with the way shidduchim in our community are /are not progressing…. In a community this size it should be UNHEARD of that DAYS can go by where u don’t even read of ONE new engagement , when there are literally hundreds of Bochurim and girls in our own shchunah (let alone our international lubavitch shchunah) of shidduchable age…. We need to start thinking out of the box a bit and coming up w/some creative solutions! If mothers are a big part of the problem, than maybe past a certain age, they… Read more »

    SHADCHANS CHARGING UP FRONT???
    Guest
    SHADCHANS CHARGING UP FRONT???

    What is this trend of several Shadchans having the chutzpah to demand up front payment before even providing a match. THIS IS COMPLETE NARISKIET If you want to do a mitzvah do it if you don’t. I and a multitude of other people think this is completely unethical and have been advised not to give one penny up front. I am a successful Real Estate salesperson and work diligently provide my clients with exactly what they are looking for however, if I asked for my commission or even a part of up front because all the effort I put into… Read more »

    NO Victims No Crisis
    Guest
    NO Victims No Crisis

    If you are rejected all the time and have no offers , you should work in what you can ,yo become more appealing
    If you are obese, urgently lose weight, excercise
    If you have a passion, start a business, learn skills etc
    Learn intense chassidus to work on your personality
    If you are rejected because other family members, you should consider to look outside the system, mothern orthodox,

    ,

    #21
    Guest
    #21

    This is #8. You pose a wonderful question. thank you. Here I am doing exactly what I object to, in my own little way. I can only argue that when a parent looks for ‘normal’ for their child, presumably they recognize something familiar and similar to themselves as being ‘normal’. If in my family we are all sensitive to society’s mores – to speaking pleasantly, following a particular level of cleanliness and hygiene, etc. – then I will likely feel more at ease with people who have common standards. it will feel ‘normal’ to me. I will think ‘this person/family… Read more »

    attn #7
    Guest
    attn #7

    consider a divorced guy

    From a single
    Guest
    From a single

    Thank you so much for these uplifting words! It has totally changed my day…

    to # 24
    Guest
    to # 24

    I’m guessing you’re intentions are pure, but let’s not do something that I’m pretty sure Chassidishe Rabbonim and the Shulchan Aruch would disapprove of. Your idea may sound “innocent” to some bec, of the “facilitators”, but I do believe that mixing a number of singles can lead to serious results, not the ones you want on your shoulders.

    Bitter
    Guest
    Bitter

    Judging by the response of most of these articles, there are a huge amount of people, the singles themselves and their mothers who are so bitter, its not real! One has to assume as a result of these comments that they cannot ALL be wrong, and that yes! The Shadchonim today are not answering calls, texts, emails or any form of messages! and whats more, in the unlikely event that they do answer, its usually not more than 3 or 4 brief words, that again make you feel stupid and hurt, and just another ‘peg on the wheel” SOMETHING is… Read more »

    ShadchaN bashing
    Guest
    ShadchaN bashing

    No I am not related to any particular shadchaN and as of yet none have married off any of my girls….. But lemme tell u something…. Did anyone stop to think what a day I. The life of a shadchaN is all about? These are not people that are hired from 9-5 to sit behind a desk answering or making Shidduch related calls…these are people like you and me who go to work each day teaching or other ,are raising large families, have financial woes, etc. and are actually volenteering on their own free time (what’s that?) to help us… Read more »

    Well said!
    Guest
    Well said!

    Well said! Thank you so much for the much needed chizuk!! I must add that part if a healthy and positive attitude might be to look at any suggestions given as a potential bashert. Meaning they may or not be for me, but I need to give them a chance. If they meet most of my criteria – why not give it a shot. I have my list, but at the same time, as a different commenter wrote “hashem’s list may be different than mine”. I know many people who had wonderful ” lists” but married people with qualities not… Read more »

    To 15 w the shidduch suggestion-from the author:)
    Guest
    To 15 w the shidduch suggestion-from the author:)

    Thank you so much! Please email me at [email protected] and we can talk! You should all have only simchas and very soon!!

    Answering #30 who responded to #24
    Guest
    Answering #30 who responded to #24

    To be sure, this suggestion would need much fine tuning in order to not become problematic , butwe are in true crisis here…. The very future of klall yisroel is at stake….. This is the holocost of this generation…. We need to do more than pontificate on comments to collive…. We need to think thru this and other out of the box ideas very carefully , but quickly if we are to effect results

    armchair critic
    Guest
    armchair critic

    To all singles and their parents: 1) have a phone or email address where people can reach YOU 2) if you pay a shadchan upfront, ask what that fee covers 3) make sure that your facebook pics don’t show you in a bad light 4) learn what is out there already for singles; everything from Elka Nathan’s Friday night Shabbatons to Basherte Now, to therapists and life coaches that do dating and social skills counseling 5) Invest in yourself in terms of clothes, personal trainer, nutritionist, etc and learn something lucrative that could eventually bring parnassa. 6)Find out where the… Read more »

    Concerned in MA
    Guest
    Concerned in MA

    How about re-looking at the wording? “Boy” or “Girl” suggests young,,,in school,,,not matured…perhaps even childish. A marriage is between individuals who are matured enough to understand and make the commitment. If you can’t bring yourself to say “man” or “woman” then at least do them the courtesy of acknowledging what they are,,,’young man’ or ‘young woman’. It indicates a level of maturity that just might spark some interest!

    Women are funny.
    Guest
    Women are funny.

    Women are funny. They will age to 35 and over, still looking for a single never married man. Maybe it’s a bit delusional but hatzlocha. I am divorced with one daughter who I see on weekends. Over 99% of hundreds of singles have said no just based on those two statistics, divorce with a child without ever finding out more information. From my point of view, most divorced women have 3, 4, or 5+ children which is too much to ask from me to take over from their biological father so hatzlocha to them also. There is no problem other… Read more »

    to #35 from 30
    Guest
    to #35 from 30

    Out of the box -100%! New solutions – 100%
    look at the success of Bashert now, who sends resume’s to people who just want to help, with a small donation from them. But solving a problem in very questionable ways is not the answer. Mingling for a good purpose could Ch”V lead to mingling for unfortunate purposes. Let’s look for other ways to come up with serious solutions to this serious problem .

    Unusual idea
    Guest
    Unusual idea

    I know many parents who feel that they could spot ‘instantly’ a person their child would like, if they could just talk to them for a minute. (parents who can intuit a like-minded single for their child, quickly ascertain this person is too ‘cool’, too ‘serious’, too aggressive, immature etc.). Could we do some sort of ‘speed dating’ for the parents, where they get to see/hear dozens of potential singles and then they can ask for names and profiles of the ones that impress them. Or, maybe a ‘snapchat’ type of thing, where parents can access a 30 second video… Read more »

    👍 A Good Shadchan
    Guest
    👍 A Good Shadchan

    Thank you number 32 There are good shadchanim Your right. Just think from their shoes They DONT HAVE TO Nobody hired them They must be doing it out of the goodness of their hearts! They are dedicated Otherwise they would t be doing it Why on earth do you think they would? They get calls day and night They have to answer each call with patience and care Have you ever tried making a Shidduch Just try it ONCE! and tell me if you would do it over and over again for years n years!! Just try it once You… Read more »

    Just a quick note...
    Guest
    Just a quick note...

    I believe that I am a very good guy – since I work very diligently on my Middos. However I find that many people do not even bother giving me a chance. Many of the comments above touched on very valid points. Therefore my suggestion is to open up your mind, don’t be quick to judge me, my past or any circumstances I had to face and over come. How about you look at who I am today? How I have grown to be the great person I am today? How I will treat my wife and how I will… Read more »

    To #10
    Guest
    To #10

    Chabadmatch has a similar feature, you can search limited parts of profiles, orhave the site list suggested matches automatically, and reach our to the shadchan of profiles you interested in. Shadchanim can sometimes be very busy but if you bring them a suggestion you have already reviewed regarding someone they are working with, it’s a real win win. Tens of Shidduchim have happened through this method.

    #5
    Guest
    #5

    I hear you sister!
    I know a shadchan that you literally have to overshout her to
    Get a word in edgewise,,,,

    Wow!
    Guest
    Wow!

    Thank you for the practical and uplifting article!

    It all comes back to our bitachon in Hashem that he will facilitate the shiduchim in a mazelike sho. It is so easy to forget, especially when the going gets tough.

    To #40
    Guest
    To #40

    You totally had me until you started lumping all the good kids from good families against the kids of BTs, whom you dismissively surmised must be the ones having all the problems….what on earth does that mean???

    Your idea though is awesome. I have always said I am open to meeting any prospective mother-in-law. I’d much rather that than send a posed unnatural picture. Sometimes you need to see a person’s smile and feel their personality, neither of which you get from a 2d picture.

    It would have to be done carefully though. People can be very nasty without even realizing it.

    Surside Old Timers
    Guest
    Surside Old Timers

    Best line for all relationships. “If you feel something say something” Right on sweetie to the author! Hope to hear good news from you soon!! Kol Hachovod!!

    Let's shout out for the great shadchanim out there!
    Guest
    Let's shout out for the great shadchanim out there!

    Please share your GOOD AND DEDICATED EXPERIENCES OF DEALING WITH SHADCHANIM

    Let’s hear some good ones!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Did you have a good experience to share?

    Bocher in beis medrash:
    Guest
    Bocher in beis medrash:

    I am 18, sitting and learning in yeshiva. This is not my first time to take the paitience and dilligence and precious time, of sitting down and reading one of these articals about the lack of shidduchim being officiated. One of the things which really bothers me as a bocher in zal, is this that we do not heed to the source of all of these issues. The fact that im a bocher who is 18 and it has not been mentioned even once, the concept of marridge, and this that we may need to as bocherim who are nearing… Read more »

    PROPER PATH
    Guest
    PROPER PATH

    First of all please focus your time energy .
    Finding out about THE SINGLE.
    You are living with the Single, not his Family.
    Every Human Being has flaws,
    Which flaw can i live with which is IMPOSSIBLE
    What boys Middos Tovas
    2 Yiraie Shamyim
    3 Will they be pleasing to each other.
    You are not marrying your MIL SIL BIL OR FAI.
    Reason for Rejection of Family is totally Riduculas.
    Before turning down a Suggestion.
    Speak to your Mshpia.
    What does brother or sister of Derech have anything to do with Single, or family.
    No i am not Naive i have some knowledge in this.

    Remember that old, old song 'In the year 2525'
    Guest
    Remember that old, old song 'In the year 2525'

    Goes on ‘ …..in the year 6565 won’t need no husband, won’t need no wife. Pick your son, pick your daughter too, from the bottom of a long glasstube.’ Why are some people stuck in the shtetl: those ‘shadchan’ matches don’t work so well any more! Wonderful when it does I suppose, but how often is that?

    online dating is the way to go
    Guest
    online dating is the way to go

    and there are websites for frum people.

    To the author
    Guest
    To the author

    Perfectly said! absolutely amazing- we have no idea much a simple smile or a kind word can effect others,and ourselves sometimes! I It can also go the other way ….. so lets keep it positive 🙂 Think good and it is good!

    X