From the COLlive Inbox:
Yes, another exasperated single girl in her early 20’s completely fed up with the shidduch system.
Writing this will probably not change anything but how else do I make you aware of what we are going through? How else do I express the pain you have so often caused by being completely oblivious?
Of course I am generalizing. I am sure that many of you are very mature high-quality bochurim that are thoughtful, responsible and sensitive. (Although I am yet to discover where you all are hiding!)
I can imagine that it’s fun to be a single bochur, with few responsibilities and no cares in the world. Settling down and building a family can be daunting. It’s not necessarily something you desire as much as us Venetians who are all about love, connection, communication and relationships.
But I naively assume that when you do enter the dating world, marriage is something you are ready to step into with maturity and responsibility.
It hurts me to see my mature, strong, intelligent, capable, talented and beautiful friends dating these unmotivated, lazy and simple boys who will dismiss them because they are “too intellectual,” “not put together enough” or “can’t cook.”
These are boys who have lines of girls waiting to date them because they profess to be a great balance of chassidish and down-to-earth, and are often neither.
There are too many of us out there who have so much to offer and are left pained by rejection, dismissal, lack of concern.
I know that you have no intention of hurting me or any of my friends. I agree that it is often our own fault. Our heads work in overdrive while dating, and being a step ahead in our minds is sometimes the cause of disappointment.
So I asked of you:
1. Don’t date if you are not ready to get married. Don’t let your parents pressure you into it being the right time. It is not fair to us girls who are serious and dating for a few years to go out with someone who has little interest.
2. Be committed. When you make a commitment to date, don’t leave us hanging. Push off your business trips, meetings or any vacations you had planned and show us that you are as committed to making this work as we are.
3. Be real. On a date, don’t lie or minimize the truth because you are concerned we may get turned off. Be truthful with with us and most importantly with yourself. Unless of course you can keep up the ‘show’ for the rest of your lives.
4. Know what you want. Many of us are strongly emotional and if you are looking for a “handbag” or “trophy wife,” please make sure to see a picture of the girl before you waste our time going out or just let us know so that we can stay away from you with a 10 foot pole.
5. Don’t keep us hanging. If you have no interest, don’t pretend that you do. Dragging it out will only hurt us more. We need to know where we are standing so that our heads don’t whirlwind down the aisle when you are still unsure. If it’s a no, then it’s a no. And if there are concerns, let us know.
Sick And Tired Of Dating Drama