Saturday, 25 Av, 5780
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Dear Chabad Bochur…

Shidduchim SOS: A Lubavitch girl who is "sick and tired of dating drama" has 5 things to tell bochurim in shidduchim. Full Story

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it hurts me...
March 3, 2015 8:50 pm

As a bochur it hurts me when these so called ” mature, strong, intelligent, capable, talented and beautiful girls” refuse to even meet me b/c of my background.

oh really?
November 5, 2014 7:07 pm

It hurts me to see my mature, strong, intelligent, capable, talented and beautiful friends dating these unmotivated, lazy and simple boys who will dismiss them because they are “too intellectual,” “not put together enough” or “can’t cook.”
It hurts me when over judgmental girls reject me as not being Lubavitch enough for them b/c I’m a bt. Excuse me for not being a lazy and unmotivated boy from a frum family.

K9 "kvetch"
September 12, 2011 1:21 am

As the proverbial bumper sticker would read in a case like that: “My Poodle is smarter than your Shadchan”.

"chabad shchita"
September 11, 2011 4:31 pm

Well, if chabad shchita is the important filter you’re using, then, yep, you probably are going to be single for a log time. Glad you have your priorities in order.

The whole "system" is messed up
September 11, 2011 2:54 pm

While reading all the comments I don’t know if I should laugh or cry. But one thing I am certain of..currently things are not working out. Number 16. Are you serious? What is wrong with you? Perhaps the parents should negotiate the exchange of goats and land prior to the boy and girl having their business meeting? Wake up, out side of Eastern Pky between whatever street you live on time did not stand still and it is 2011. And yes while you will argue Torah is above time etc etc..I don’t see you living in a shetetel with mud… Read more »

So sad....
September 11, 2011 3:08 am

As a parent of both boys and girls who ought to be ready to get married, I have to agree with the author of this stoic but heartrending letter. It seems boys in our community are plenty happy ‘being boys’. Most of the bochrim are like grasshoppers in the summer, constantly galavanting all over the globe, and when in CH are ‘hanging out’ at all hours, etc and this applies to both good and not so good bochrim. Especially bein hazmanim or once they are in their early twenties and ‘done’ with yeshiva. On the other hand, if girls were… Read more »

to no#39
September 10, 2011 11:34 pm

sorry to say but you are sooooo wrong!!! i could not believe what i was reading!!!? looks are not everything at all!! go out with the girl and then see her as as well as her beauty within and then decide!

to 189
September 10, 2011 8:44 pm

why would you overlook not good middos? or why would you overlook lack of maturity. These things are of utmost importance to your son

A mother
September 10, 2011 8:55 am

I’m a mother of a bochur & we have experienced this situation in reverse. We spent hours coaching our son on etiquette , how to listen, dress etc. Not because he doesn’t have manners but because we wanted him to see it from the girls point of view. We spent a considerable amount of money for our son to travel to where the girl was, expensive car rental, hotel lounge etc. We were prepared to overlook her lack of middos in dealing with the shadchan as lack of maturity. The girl put in little effort besides turning up. Said she… Read more »

to 175
September 9, 2011 2:51 pm

I am HUMBLED that you actually sat and revised my comment. I apologize for sounding too egotistical. I actually just got off the phone with my Mashpia 😉 Not to be on the defensive side but what did offend you?The fact that it hurts me to see how guys disrespect girls by checking them out as if they are objects? Anything I did write was just from advice I have received from my Mashpia ( ironic for you to suggest I go talk to her, huh? ) and from being around Crown Heights and having eyes ( such as seeing… Read more »

to 180
September 9, 2011 2:46 pm

Because (not all but some) shadchanim are misguided I personally know 2 shadachanim who sincerely, non judgmentally want to help. A shadachan should not take the role of a mashipa. EVERY single needs a mashpia and it should in no condition become the advice of Shadchan. Whether 2 people want to go out again or not, whether a person has certain criteria or not is absolutely not the shadchan’s business. Regarding the “They are just trying to help” -certain time “help” is not help at all. A lot of times a single will see a shadchan because of pressure from… Read more »

to # 115
September 9, 2011 1:54 pm

Its Spelled not spelt (so don’t criticize someone else wen u ave te same problem

to 111
September 9, 2011 1:37 pm

Are you a shadchan? It’s people like you, who invalidate, are out of touch with society and single’s ,who are actually the real problem. I am praying for all of those who are like you, and all shadchanim who share your “insight” who require the most help from above.

tu baav
September 9, 2011 10:40 am

im in the streets but idk how to dance. but im wearing white. come find me. im on kingston and montgomery

September 9, 2011 5:52 am

I like that comment

In response to #163
September 9, 2011 4:04 am

The mother contacts me on behalf of their children. I had more responses for girls than for boys, but I am still reaching out to the boys, “Bachurim, your frame of mind should be to build a Jewish home. Why wait and causes others to wait?”
[email protected]

September 9, 2011 2:11 am

You all need to get married! Thats all! You all saying the same thing (in different words) “‘I NEED TO GET
MARRIED” second of all! GUYS!!!! You need to stop blogging your emotions! It’s really cheap!!!! Turn off the computer and start working!!!!

September 9, 2011 1:38 am

Why are you so hateful of a group of people who are giving of their time and efforts to try to help you? You don’t have to work with them if you are not satisfied. But don’t lash out at anyone because you didn’t get engaged yet. They don’t know you ? How can they know you when you don’t know yourself? A shadchan will make a recommendation but you have to check out to see if this is what you are looking for or at least think you are looking for. Why are you agreeing to meet someone that… Read more »

TO #133 "Girls want boys with looks even more then boys"
September 9, 2011 1:17 am

I don’t know what girls you are dealing with, but most girls care much less about the guys looks then guys care. Of course girls like to see handsome guys, but if they meet a guy who is really nice and has a great personality, most girls will overlook the fact that the guy is short or fat. Of course there are exceptions to this, just like by boys there are a few who do not care that much about the girls looks. However, these are only exceptions and do not usually occur. The reason for this is simple. Guys… Read more »

Dr. Elka Pinson says:
September 8, 2011 11:55 pm

Ladies – come to the Chabad Shidduch Group meeting this Sunday, Sept. 11 at 10:30 am at the Muss Home, 1011 E 18 St (Betw Aves I & J). We present profiles and network. We have been successfully involved in dozens in shidduchim over the past 3 years. [email protected]

September 8, 2011 11:44 pm

I completely agree with #136 😀 The whole time Ive been saying, what if every1 who is single posted their criteria!! Lets try 🙂 🙂

grow up
September 8, 2011 11:19 pm

well ye its especially hard with the texas wild fires that spread thru out millions of acres of land, destroying thousands of homes, and with all the rebellions going on in the middle east that have already killed thousands, this makes dating gets even harder. sigh.

to #124
September 8, 2011 10:52 pm

please talk to your mashpia for a reality check. and learn some tanya about the ego…

to number 144
September 8, 2011 10:16 pm

you are completely obnoxious. i am a girl, and i can honestly say i would never want to go out with a guy like you. you think your the only one that is putting fourth? we also have to get dressed up, do out makeup, wear heals (any girl who says they are comfortable, is a lier) and to try so hard, all we ask for is your attention. would you like it if we were looking around the room while you were talking. if you want to go check out the waitress, go the the restaurant with your buddys,… Read more »

I'll tell you where to go......
September 8, 2011 10:14 pm

Go to Q-9umbers 🙂

Comment 42
September 8, 2011 9:04 pm

NASA ur totally a girl

September 8, 2011 8:26 pm

To every one whos made comments about #96 I think its time that you read what he has to say rather then turmenting him about the spelling of (college)!! He had some good points! I’m also someone that went to university , and yes I do think it is important however I know what the rebbe says about university and as far as I’m aware there people the rebbe did say to go to university !!!

to everyone
September 8, 2011 7:39 pm

this is so funny! and enteresting to know what everyone thinks about it…
whoever went to this class: https://collive.com/show_news.rtx?id=13121&hl=argentina
im sure knows all the points so clear!
good luck!!

Tu B'Av
September 8, 2011 7:26 pm

I personally feel that we should go back to the old days where the girls go and dance in a field and the boys pick by choice

left field
September 8, 2011 6:55 pm

Disclaimer: I have no connection to gezha and any inner circles. I am just a former alter bachur from a very worldly background and I may be way off reading between the lines, but here goes: Razal say to “descend a level and marry a wife”. This means that a girl at the highest level of intelligence, competence, training etc is at a big disadvantage – who can descend to the top of mount Everest? Even helicopters can’t do it. This has been a factor in the decline of many “good” families in other cultures. There is more hope, however,… Read more »

September 8, 2011 6:51 pm

there are all kinds of people. the girl that wrote the article is full of self righteous. Everyone has faults. i would not want my son to marry you as you are so judgmental and so self righteous. You can do no wrong. The same faults that boys have girls also have. Try being more eidel and frum and going about a shidduch in a frum chassiddish way and Hashem will help you and you will get married. Everyone Stop putting blame on gezah, on rich etc. If you are not gezah, there are plenty not gezah for you to… Read more »

September 8, 2011 6:39 pm

You guys are all funny.. but hey its surprising just at the blanket requirements / desires here… It never occurred to me if my future wife will wear stockings or not.. or socks or saran wrap or tinfoil.. I cant conceive why this is the foundation of the marriage and the jewish home… This seems all shallow to me… what happened to vital things such as “how do you see yourself on life ? where do you want to go, how do you want to be in the future ?” Whatever happened to stuff like what type of heart and… Read more »

37 ive been thinking that for a while
September 8, 2011 6:30 pm

this conversation is so interesting some pple have awesome points others sound so immature wish i knew who said what instead of calling eachother by numbers and believe me some pple who write they are a girl of this age or a boy of whatever uh hu sure number 8 ur def a girl 63 luv it 68 elchonon luv it leah

September 8, 2011 6:02 pm

Shadchonim (the ones I know mean well) however your other comments were spot on

#160 Are you out of your mind?
September 8, 2011 5:18 pm

Bachurim or girls shouldn’t be contacting you directly. It should be their parents or agents or whatever. The problem is that these kids start dating without a bleepin plan and that’s why they can’t make up their d— minds. What are you some kind of guru? You think you can make a mentch out of Bachurim on a mass scale all by yourself? Or are you just trying to move around as many names as possible and see what sticks? Come on guys (and girls). Get serious before you start dating and stop wasting other people’s time!

September 8, 2011 3:52 pm

hey this is cool… i personaly think that its not the ultimate solution to have a shadchan make u a shidduch…cuz the shadchan doesnt even know u. its mostly by fate i think. i met someone special in a really random way, and he is the best guy in the world. no one suggested him for me. so basicaly yeah, i think you should go look for urself for ur soulmate. tho in the frum world, its not so apropriate, but i think it works and is the best way. cuz u are the one getting married to that guy,… Read more »

to #144
September 8, 2011 3:48 pm

invest in a good can of deodorant so you do not have to spend so much money every time you have a date

Second comment
September 8, 2011 3:12 pm

I was comment #11. Baruch Hashem a number of people contacted me. Girls only contacted me, but not a single bachur!!!!! Come on bachurim, you have to be a little more responsible and step forward. It’s time for you to start building a Jewish, Chassidishe Lubavitcher home. Please contact me at [email protected].

to # 8 / 71
September 8, 2011 2:58 pm

i wasnt asking you to marry me!! lol

#127 - Pre-dating classes
September 8, 2011 2:09 pm

There are so many variables these days in choosing a spouse and B”H there are hundreds of eligible boys/girls out there. It’s almost impossible for a young adult to navigate their way through the process without proper guidance – whether it’s parents, a Mashpia or somebody they can trust. Unfortunately many young adults can’t (or won’t) rely on their parents, and their Mashpia (if they have one) might not be qualified to assist in the minutia of this complex process. Seems like many eligible girls/boys begin dating without having a clear idea of what/who they are looking for (seen this… Read more »

September 8, 2011 2:00 pm

Its very intresting to read the comments in collive about shiduchim!!!!!! Very intresting story’s about dates……….. but I want more because many story’s are monotonous……………

September 8, 2011 1:58 pm

1: Avoid shadchanim, they have no idea what you want, only you do. 2; If you do visit a shadchan, you should interview him/her before you are interviewed. Ask about their process, their success rate, how many of their dates have culminated in marriage, and how many of those marriages are still marriages. You are trusting an utter stranger with the most important decision you’ll ever make, but most will ask less then they would of their car salesman. 3: Get busybody parents out of the equation quickly. Too many parents nix too many good options for their wonderful son/daughter.… Read more »

to #115
September 8, 2011 1:48 pm

you obviously didnt go to college, because spelt is like challah-not spelling which is what you learn in first grade

September 8, 2011 1:41 pm

49!!!! I think its not tznius to wrote this on comments

September 8, 2011 1:19 pm

what a bunch of whiny losers

September 8, 2011 1:14 pm

i’m a 23 year old guy that has not entered the shidduch scene and frankly i’m sick before i have even started just going to do it my self!
i have seen how “friends” and SHADCHANIM have failed my friends so why would any one in there right mind put them self through it!!!!!!!!!

drama drama
September 8, 2011 1:10 pm

it’s all bashert girls n boys – when the time comes you’ll find yours truly – don’t let anything else frazzle you! 🙂

to #144
September 8, 2011 1:10 pm

you have serious issues man! a word of advice – GROW UP! Before you have to subject another poor girl to a date with you.

September 8, 2011 10:53 am

“It hurts me to see my mature, strong, intelligent, capable, talented and beautiful friends dating these unmotivated, lazy and simple boys …”

If this woman wants to marry a mature, strong, intelligent, capable, talented and beautiful person, she should date another girl.

To 107#
September 8, 2011 10:13 am

Thank you for your spelling lesson but you obviously didn’t get my msg at all. And our rebbe wanted men to be able to support a FAMILY and put dinner on the table every night. How do you propose to do that with out an education.!!

September 8, 2011 9:58 am

to all the wonderful people offering to help, asking people to email you with whatever won’t solve anything. The best way you can help (in my opinion) is be proactive with your friends and your spouse with his/her friends and ASK them what type of person they’re looking for, and then network with all your married friends and idea’s will pop up. Then, please please please, muster up the courage and make the suggestion
My 2 cents

all these comments
September 8, 2011 9:26 am

are so stupid.

The people with the problems and the bad values did not just appear – it took decades for them to come to this point.

Time to invest in our children when they are SMALL and teach them a proper derech.

To 96
September 8, 2011 7:12 am

You went to college? (Not collAge) You obviously didn’t learn very much. Didn’t your secular teachers ever teach you about run-on, illiterate, & badly-spelled sentences?

Sheesh. If that’s what collEge produces, I’m glad my children only went through the Yeshiva system. Even my boys know where to put a period & a capital letter.

September 8, 2011 6:59 am

We spend tons of money, gas, car wash, parking lots in the city, expensive drinks, lounge fees, deodorant, fancy cloth, etc. So “forgive me” if, I glance at the tv to check the sports, or if I look twice at the waitress, or if it seems like im listening to you but really your just babaling about nothing for sooooo long, or I cant take my mind off the lipstick shmear on your tooth, or the shwarma I had for lunch is making me feel a bit squirmy, etc. And to top it off, I go home completely unsatisfied, then… Read more »

September 8, 2011 6:44 am

You spelled college wrong….a few times

to # 95
September 8, 2011 6:18 am

I am a bochur in 770, and I can tell you honestly that you hit the nail on the head – a LOT of guys are just sitting around without accomplishing anything in the few years they sit in 770 waiting to get married. However, it doesn’t really depend on age. There are a bunch of 22 year olds who do as well, while I know quite a few 25 year olds who learn the whole day. Why they aren’t married yet, it’s not my business. Anyways, to say the guys bumming around should go to college I must disagree,… Read more »

September 8, 2011 5:44 am

It’s interesting to read the comments – as you gain a lot more from that 😀
Im finding this all quite cute! people should really be set up via these comments 😀 😀 😀 😀

to #95 Shlichus is definitely a option.
September 8, 2011 5:05 am

you write “so , does he/she want to go on shlichus?” i answer them “excuse me, what exactly do you mean? who is going on shlichus these days? where are they going to exactly?” Buchurim, it’s time to wake up and smell the sour reality that shlichus is not longer the glamorous option that it used to be (and the “good enough” excuse for not pursuing anything else). it’s time to start being serious with your time. have something to show for yourselves” as a ungerman, i can agree with many of poitns you made, however to say that shlichus… Read more »

September 8, 2011 4:04 am

wow im a girl, turning 19, not lookign for marriage yet-but wow u people all make this sound way more hectic than what it is…calm down…and by expressing ur feeling here annonymously, REALLY WILL NOT BE BENEFICIAL FOR YOU BECAUSE YOU DONT KNOW WHO YOU TALKING TOO…DID YOU THINK OF THAT? there is something mentioned on expresses anger in the TORAH-maybe go learn about it 😉

Privacy is an issue in dating
September 8, 2011 3:16 am

People say that reumes are too general but I am afraid that if I put myself onto a paper that is handed around to everyone in the neighborhood, then I will pass people in the streets who know more about me than I would like them to know. My defence is to be vague, just describe my torah values and life goals on the resume. Then, if someone shows interest and I don’t see him as a threat (a guy who is making a bet that I will date him or a guy who just wants to look at a… Read more »

We are all human
September 8, 2011 3:06 am

When a guy cuts his beard and when a girl shows her toes or elbows, it’s not an indicator that they are not Chassidish or not really Lubavich. They just need to grow, like Hashem wants us to. If we are not moving up we are moving down, so ask the person who cuts his beard if he is against Hashem or if he is simply finding it difficult to adhere to this particular Halacha, even though he wants to make Hashem proud. And ask the girl who shows her toes if she is against tznius or if she loves… Read more »

Good Idea!
September 8, 2011 3:00 am

If only you guys knew each other we will have a bunch of shiduchim out of these comments. Bummer

This is it!!
September 8, 2011 2:24 am

Is collive opening up a new feature called chat? i think you can change from “post a comment” to “start Chat”, seeing the comments here.
And to all you chatters: iyh you will get engaged real soon with the one that fits you best, and collive will post your engagement, l’echaim:)

September 8, 2011 2:16 am

something seems to be lacking here…… if people would only put Hashem into the equation, things would be so much better! We have the right formula for marriage-has been working for years and years now: al yesodei hatorah v’hamitzvah. This is what is everlasting, not modern romance….. People have faults-we are all human, but the focus should be on the positive aspects of the other person, their strengths. When building at a construction site, one needs to be very mindful of the faults and potential setbacks-so that nothings topples over and collapses, true. However, the focus should be on the… Read more »

another mother
September 8, 2011 2:02 am

I BH married off several kids, some boys and some girls, and would say that the same is true for boys as for girls. I have seen girls who kept my sons waiting to go out because they had a chassunah to go to every night. Most girls also accept dates even when they know that they are about to go on vacation. Girls want boys with looks even more than boys who want girls with looks. A boy will be attracted to a girl who puts a bit of effort into looking nice, especially if they have a personality… Read more »

September 8, 2011 1:40 am

Love. Love is the key. Love is what we all need. And love GD willing we will all find. Therefore its half and half… There MUST be involvement of a higher authority HOWEVER, guys and girls SHOULD meet on their own (obviously in a controlled way) but when two people meet however they do, and they like each other, then thats it! Mazal Tov! 😀

Good luck.

Happily in a relationship
September 8, 2011 1:31 am

I think that we’re all missing the point here. The article could have been written buy a girl or a boy it doesn’t make a difference. The point is that when people don’t know what they are looking for or aren’t ready to get married stay out of the system. Until then being in the systems just burns you out but even worse than that it burns your date out too. To all of you out there who are single, I’ve been in the system for many many years and I was miserable. I have no idea how many boys… Read more »

About Pictures
September 8, 2011 1:28 am

Yes, a bochur should like the way his future wife looks. But a picture is a terrible way to do that. Some people just aren’t photogenic, some people look BETTER in pictures in real life, and most of us look nothing like our pictures…

Better meet us in person, and if the looks don’t “do it for you”, then that can be one factor in whether or not you continue.

Keep in mind that every one of my failed dates taught me something abou the person I WAS looking for. (Found him on the 5th try B”H.)

forest and trees
September 8, 2011 1:13 am

and this all avoids the real issue – marriage

yeh, yeh, dating game today is a lawless land, and there’s no rebbe on which to deflect the decision process, but that’s all kid’s play compared to once you actually make the leap to lifelong commitment.

almost no one has a clue what they get into until they’ve jumped off the cliff without a parachute – just each other. you won’t know who you maried until well in the game.

have another drink of koolaid folks.

September 8, 2011 1:13 am

Not just boys, but since I’m a girl… I went out with a boy, had a really nice date and thought he did too. I had been a bit shy and didn’t think he had a chance to get to know me. (Shorter date than normal.) Then he says he will have to push off the second date until after camp… OK, I agree to wait. Towards the end of the summer, my parents get a call from the Shadchan that it’s off. The next day, this bochur’s name is all over the news sites… he’s engaged. I’m B”H happily… Read more »

There need to be mashpiim that are experts that give mandatory classes.tapes or couseling for both genders BEFORE shidduchim and BEFORE marriage.
September 8, 2011 1:12 am

That will really help prepare a young heart and mind.-Benveniste,Tsfat

to #95
September 8, 2011 12:51 am

Very well said!! Thank you for your honesty!! You present a realistic view of our times!!

to # 96
September 8, 2011 12:33 am

clearly the problem is you didn’t stay long enough to learn how to spell “college”

Another Girls thoughts
September 8, 2011 12:30 am

After reading all the thought provoking comments, I think it is my turn. Firstly number 21- Ditto, the things that are accessible because of internet these days is terrifying! I am sometime shocked by the way chassidsh looking boys check out my ( some clearly married) friends and girls walking right in front of me while walking on the streets! So I shout out to all you guys: PLEASE do not make it uncomfortable for us girls who DO RESPEPECT you and dress accordingly ( meaning modestly ) to walk down the streets! On another note: Dear number 53, I… Read more »

Rochel Leah
September 8, 2011 12:22 am

To the author: I am sorry for your frustration.

suggestion from a married man
September 8, 2011 12:21 am

Girl-can you imagine your 19 ?Boy can you imagine your 22 ?pretend its your first date, make a total clean up in your attitude, and start again from scratch…….
Good luck

number 5
September 8, 2011 12:12 am

ill go out with you.

Psychological therapy
September 8, 2011 12:11 am

As well in the war, there are no winners or loozers. This is not a fight. Both of you (Girls & Boys) want to get married (I’m not a boy and not a girl in this comment). Its very sad to see what people are doing from themselves. Guys, calm down, relax, take a break, go to the psychologist, and became a person, a normal person.

to 50 girls
September 8, 2011 12:08 am

i know you very well, i read about you twice a year ,thats right we all know who you are….. your name is ACHASHVEROSH

September 8, 2011 12:01 am

get your name going

To #41
September 8, 2011 12:00 am

Let’s turn tables. If we really consider this as a two way street, and both sides have equal expectations to be serious on this. Let the GIRL sponser gas car wash, drinks, lounge fees. etc. (lol)

cant take the waiting any more
September 7, 2011 11:55 pm

a mid 20 guy i was turned down by a girl for what ever reason it was (i have no idea why) i short i knew her and she knew me . 1) she just dose not want to date 2) she does not no who she really is 3) i have no idea what she was thinking we knew each other very well (lets not get into it how what were ) but just from seeing here every day and a while just looking at her didn’t make me think she is the one right away but pretty much… Read more »

to 96, i am having a hard time with your story
September 7, 2011 11:47 pm

you went through the secular system and some college and you still think that college is spelt like the picture arrangement (collage). I think not. Girls don’t want you, not because you went to college, but because you cannot spell!!!! Get it right, buddy.

September 7, 2011 11:47 pm

im sorry to say im a 23 guy who has never gone out before why 1) my mother is looking for something that she wants 2)she wont listen to me 3)the girls out there are to sceard to tell there parents what they what (and that’s why the parents are not being real about the kid(s) 4)we need to wake up ppl we are living in 2011 things have changed times have changed the world id different not like you remember in the 60 or 70s we are more chilled then we used to be 5)why dose every one cry… Read more »

to #56, you must be one of the "protected ones"
September 7, 2011 11:43 pm

listen to yourself! you are attractive, had tons of offers, are very aidel, married a great person. wow, you must come from one of those elite families
good for you, but 98% of us who probably possess these very attributes whit which you describe yourself are not as lucky as you. It can be either because we do not flaunt those virtues as much as you just did, or you must be one of those intouchables, who do as they please and end up with a good shidduch.
you sound even more pathetic that the pittiful shiduch situation.

To number 21 and the author.
September 7, 2011 11:30 pm

I am in my early 20’s and have not started to date yet because I feel that one should be able to support a family both monetarily and emotionally before they start dating. Starting a family is a very big life decision. I believe parents are doing their children a disservice by forcing and pressuring they into making what ultimately could be the a disastrous decision. To number 21 I think that to blame the whole issue of “shidichim” of what “Bouchrim” see on the internet is false. The fact of the matter is that boys are attracted to girls… Read more »

September 7, 2011 11:17 pm

1. I think that the main issue is an issue of class. People want to date people better than them and and therefore hold on while they should only be dating people in their social structure. 2. Parents should be more proactive in pushing their kids to call things off. They shouldn’t view dating as a form of entertainment. If they did view it as such they might as well get their kids membership to a night club. 3. Girls look down at guys while I (a girl) know many respectable guys that work, daven and are put together. You… Read more »

to #11
September 7, 2011 11:17 pm

im sure you are serious about what you do but why would anyone want to send a resume or any personal info to a shadchan that they dont know.
i think people would feel a lot more comfortable if you put your name and we know who you are

early 20s bochur
September 7, 2011 11:16 pm

i think its b.s. ppl blame shadchanim they are doing a job not a favor. if you care about getting dates then you need to be on top of them and then they will stay focused on you. i blame the parents for the problems in shiduchm.there are so many ppl that get rejected because the parents were concerned about what they want in a boy or girl and not what is good for there child. shadchanim need to stop dealing with parents and deal only with the boy or girl that is dating. when i was ready to start… Read more »

agree with # 87
September 7, 2011 10:59 pm

I think the most effective way to ind your bashert is when you meet them yourself or through a friend suggestion. I know someone who went on 10+ horrible dates because the shadchanim just threw names out of a rabbits hat. these suggestions werent even like this girl I knew! which proves that shadchanim dont exactly look thoroughly into the person looking, how they are, etc. and yet I know many who found them simpler and it worked out in a click of a button: they met through friend suggestion. It’s a wonderful way because your friend knows you plus… Read more »

To #96
September 7, 2011 10:41 pm

If you’re so proud of your secular education, then at least spell the word ‘college’ with an ‘e’, not an ‘a’.

Second, being that you’re also proud of being a descendant of the Rebbeim, please don’t state that “any one who thinks that going to college is wrong is out of their mind”(with editing), because our dear Rebbe was unequivocally(with thin borderline exceptions) opposed to the idea.

a serious bucher
September 7, 2011 10:39 pm

1.Sick And Tired Of Dating Drama…ill date u send me a pick….lol

For boys only

stop bringing in the rebbe… tell them the rebbe gave u a bracho instead of asking for cash.

if only u acted and treated the ppl that come to u the way the rebbe wold want u to.

September 7, 2011 10:38 pm

you might be looking for someone just like you. Good luck, that’s a hard job.

September 7, 2011 10:24 pm

what about the idea that each person has only one other half that was decided at birth?
Trust in Hashem, do your work, but you’re not searching for the “perfect”other half, just the one who was created for you.
Maybe daven fo a little help and don’t go out on a million dates just because they are suggested.

September 7, 2011 10:09 pm

Follow up… :

Hey your all right… your just not meant for each other.. the shallow ones will marry the fakes.. those with $ can marry shallow ones with good looks etc etc etc etc…

But hey, i’m still not dating.. I agree with all of you above, it stinks.. so who needs it ? deff not me….

September 7, 2011 9:45 pm

I think most of htem are just AFRAID. very AFRAID. The statistics for a really happy successful marriage are lose ( and i dont mean divorce, i mean actually being happy in your relationship for the long term). Most of them proabbly see parents, aunts, uncles , friends with not-so happy marriages and just think….im not going to end up like that…i want to be SURE i will be happy before i marry or its not worth it. I dont blame them….im married…for many years…whilst i wouldnt get divorced for many many reasons…our marriage is not as happy as it… Read more »

attention boys and girls
September 7, 2011 9:40 pm

I don’t think this article should address a gender issue. How about attention boys and girls, be mentchlach when you date. Above are some good points. All should follow. Just a thought.

September 7, 2011 9:21 pm

My son went out with a girl a lot of times. One of the things he wanted was a girl who was frum, Meaning she is tznius ans acts nicely. B”H, B”H B”H she broke it off after he spent a fortune taking her to very nice places to eat even though we don’t usually do that. she led him a dance over a few weeks. we later found out that this “frum” girl is not very frum at all. Which brings up another point that people have to tell the truth. Don’t tell me when I call, Mrs. Shlucha,… Read more »

to #72
September 7, 2011 9:20 pm

i think you hit the nail on the head with that insight. this is what this “stage” is all about for us single boys and girls. its all about discovering who we are and taking the time to dig deep within and work on bringing out the best in ourselves. marriage is an entire journey in and of it self so its best to come in to it prepared with the tools of good middos, strong values, and a clear understanding of our selves.

Agree with 87
September 7, 2011 9:17 pm

You are 100 % right. Let people meet naturally.

to the one whos dated FIFTY GIRLS??!
September 7, 2011 9:14 pm

if you couldnt find ONE girl out of FIFTY to marry – then you clearly have an issue…you clearly are not looking for the right htings and using your head and probably are getting stupid advice!!

to lubavitch!!
September 7, 2011 8:54 pm

As a Lubavitcher bocher and an anikle of the first reabbeim of LUBAVITCH ,who went through the secular education system and completed 2 yrs of yeshivah. i then went on to study in a collage and did not like it after a semester so i have started working! however who ever thinks thats is wrong to go to collage is out of there mind because sorry to inform you but in todays day and age you just about need a diploma for every job u try out (except if ur going to go work in DADDYS business) and women and… Read more »

BOYS, GET A LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
September 7, 2011 8:53 pm

i am a young married girl (5 years) and i am watching how my friends and and my husband’s friends go about their single lives as they get a little bit older and have still met their “One”. while i see how so many girls are being highly productive and realistic about their time and how they spend it, whether it means educating themselves or working in teaching positions OR OTHERS, many boys , to my utter amazement, continue to “fool themselves” that they are productive and realistic about how they spend their time when, in fact, they are the… Read more »

att #5
September 7, 2011 8:19 pm

Who are you? 🙂

girl in the shidduch world
September 7, 2011 8:18 pm

wow, this is intense and as sad as it is, i must admit it is a bit comical as well. here is my piece- we girls are also to blame. i mean how many times can we drive a bochur crazy with yes/no/yes/no and then just not being able to decide…? i think men are better at making final decisions. anyway we should realize that there is a lot of effort that goes into the boys side, he has to do all teh arrangements and the expenses and getting to the girl if shes not around, etc… so lets not… Read more »

September 7, 2011 8:17 pm

Well said! I agree that’s the approach many people need to start taking, it’s not about how the girl was in high school or which sem she went to. I see many girls who are unrecognizable since high school years, that were a few year back. another point: if people would stop being so self-conscious and have the courage to ask the other side maybe more shidduchim would happen. Many times i saw how people let a good suggestion go by because they were afraid to ask out of fear of rejection. Face it! rejection will happen, it has to… Read more »

September 7, 2011 8:08 pm

The best thing is to leave all Shadchanim our of the picture and families and friends, help each other out and make shiduchim for each other.

Agree with 10 - Bochur 101, and I'm a girl...
September 7, 2011 8:06 pm

I’m 27 and I was embarrased to read this tone of writing. I tried not to judge because she did write she was early 20s so she’s young and immature but her attitude is appalling. The good guys don’t deserve her…

The problem is the parents
September 7, 2011 8:03 pm

I have tried speaking shidduchim for the mitzva. However I’m
tired of dealing with parents who aren’t honest to themselves or
to others. Many mothers of daughters claim that their daughters
want a frum, chassidishe bochur who has yiras shamayim, but
he must be “worldly”. When you meet the girl she is definetly
“worldy” but far removed from Chassidishkeit, frumkeit, tznius,
etc. They are not looking for what their parents Please stop wasting everone’s time. Let your children date people that are compatible to them.

Everyone should read #7
September 7, 2011 8:01 pm

and get real..

Pathetic Shidduch System
September 7, 2011 8:00 pm

I think that the whole frum/lubavitch shidduch system is totally messed up and pathetic! Why don’t we just do the regular dating without involving parents and shadchanim? Go out and meet someone. It doesn’t have to be set up by these people who think they know what they’re doing and don’t.

Selfish guys
September 7, 2011 7:57 pm

A boy who quite frankly thinks he’s gods gift to humanity recently agreed to date my friend and then backed out before the date and decided to date someone else. I think these guys are selfish!

September 7, 2011 7:47 pm

When my friends and I became the age for dating there was no facebook or internet yet (early 1980’s) Yes, Lubavitch was smaller and shidduchim were not yet so complicated….however, no one ever saw a picture of their prospective date. It wasn’t done. You first saw your date when he/she met at the appointed place and as you got into the car you saw the person for the first time.. …and guess what…even if the bochur thought the girl was not as pretty as he expected…probably the conversations went great and they really had alot in common…were on the same… Read more »

To 51
September 7, 2011 7:47 pm

The guy was pointing out that if it meant from Venus it should say Venusians; not Venetians.

i like n 73
September 7, 2011 7:44 pm

i like ppl who learn in order to get a proper living but just bc you go to college does not mean that you are serious about marriage and the same go s for boys in 770 or where ever you are in the world studding . but dont worry g d hase it pland out hopefully for the best.

Not a Shadchan
September 7, 2011 7:40 pm

BS”D I am not a shadchan, but a happily married woman ka”h and I want to help. I have read enough on this site and heard enough in my community that I want to do something to help. You can email me at [email protected], and I can tell you more about myself. As I get interest (if I get interest!) from both bochurs and girls, then we’ll try to go from there. You can send me a simple inquiry email before deciding whether to submit your name, I don’t mind. I just don’t want to stand on the sideline and… Read more »

even more curious
September 7, 2011 7:00 pm

and what about a girl who didn’t go to sem at all?? then she’s looked down upon as a bad unchassidish girl? Maybe she’s very chassidish already and dosen’t want to take any chance that she may ruin her innocence in it, like maybe she isn’t so outgoing or dosen’t like to leave home, etc and likes to remain in her hometown, still being nice and chassidish. This is another issue that should never get mixed in with finding shidduchim. don’t judge a person by their occupations, etc.
Kol K’vuda Bas Melech P’nima. the beauty’s from within.

September 7, 2011 6:54 pm

I’m sure your sister is a nice girl, but Hillary Clinton also went to a great school and ran a company. Wouldn’t want to touch her with a thousand foot pole. Look how well her marriage turned out.

September 7, 2011 6:45 pm

May you all get married this year and end the problem

September 7, 2011 6:44 pm

#56: “I’m told I have a good figure” but got a lot of dates because “I’m aidel”?

You’re very humble, too.

September 7, 2011 6:37 pm

Just out of curiousity . . . Just out of curiousity . . .What is the “Best” Seminary???? And why does that define the person???? Do you honestly think that the Seminary you go to, makes a person???? I have the most wonderful daughter, and ‘horror of horrors’, she did not go to that ‘best’ seminary, . . . does that immediately put her way down the line . . . Is’nt it about time that we start looking into our priorities . . . i.e. Not going to the ‘best Sem’ does NOT make one a lesser person!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and… Read more »

Dating is hard
September 7, 2011 6:30 pm

B”H I think everyone has a hard time dating. But just because we think that a guy we go out with is rude or lazy doesn’t mean he’s actually rude or lazy. Some other girl might swoon for him. I think there should be across the board education for dating. Rules, things to talk about, things to steer away from, etc. If a person doesn’t know basic conversational etiquette then someone might be turned off. Girls also need to take responsibility, I myself dated a guy for a while that I was interested in and after a great 5th date… Read more »

Shout out
September 7, 2011 6:04 pm

I wanna make a shout out to all my friends wifes that work so hard trying to hook me up.

to #52
September 7, 2011 6:02 pm

did u realize that all the things that u mentioned about your sister have nothing to do with the qualities of marriage and what it entails? all the things that u said are beautiful (dont get me wrong) but where does that show how your sister is ready for marriage?

September 7, 2011 5:59 pm

I am a girl whose going to school (in the education field). I feel that boys I have dated in the past do not appreciate the fact that I go to school. Also, when people hear that I am in school they think I am too serious etc. It makes me wonder if guys are actually thinking about the future…

It's a journey
September 7, 2011 5:56 pm

Marriage is a serious commitment to life. It involves a partnership to build a Binyan Adei Ad. Often, when a girl or a boy experience difficulties on the Shidduch scene, they turn to Hashem and daven with more inwardness or take on good hachlotas. At the same time they start to prioritize what is Ikar and what is Tofel (what is very important to them and what is not so). It becomes a journey of the Neshoma and with Hashem’s help will get just the right Shidduch, the time will feel right and things fall into place, IY’H may it… Read more »

to #49
September 7, 2011 5:49 pm

I appreciate that you think im a nice guy and im sure that you are a very sweet girl but at this very moment i am not dating yet.

To All of the Above - LOOK IN THE MIRROR
September 7, 2011 5:48 pm

As I read this article and comments, two words shout out to me : TOTAL FRUSTRATION. The shadchonim are to blame. The parents. The bochurim. The girls. The family and friends who know best. It’s always someone else. You are how old (32?) and single and you know better than everyone and that’s why you are still single! No one owes you anything. No one owes you the hours upon hours of time to research, setup, follow through, be rejected and go to bat for you etc etc It’s time you all looked in the foggy mirror, wipe it clean… Read more »

more time may be a neccessity
September 7, 2011 5:41 pm

At times, one side really needs more time than the other. They may not be just shlepping it. Over 20 years ago, the Rebbe gave me this answer after going out a number of times and still was having doubts “By you and by (many-I think) others, 4 times is not enough, go out again.”

September 7, 2011 5:32 pm

Well, most of you are right… I mean life is about growing and learning… Which side is unrealistic ? lets first agree that men and women are.. different.. And each person needs different things.. I think of it as a business partnership.. I do all the buying but my brother controls the finances.. At first its hard to get used to it, he is after all my younger brother and I ran the business on my own for years.. but then you realize that you have a working relationship.. he excels at controlling the finances.. he asks questions that I… Read more »

Shmiras HaEynayim
September 7, 2011 5:29 pm

One commenter mentioned that he’d attribute the fact that bochurim are getting married late is because it’s so common that they’re getting “ideas” from the internet. When they’re looking at girls on the internet – it’s no wonder that any normal girl no longer appeals to them. They’re expectations are so unrealistic!

I have several friends who are looking for chassidishe super-models. What’s that about!?

best advice
September 7, 2011 5:25 pm

To the author of the article whilst i can’t help you out, i can give you advice see a good shadchan

To # 5
September 7, 2011 5:23 pm

I think you should go on a shidduchh date with the girl who wrote this 🙂

The Chassidish Way.
September 7, 2011 5:22 pm

The best way in my opinion is the Chassidish way where the potential Choson and Kallah meet just once for half an hour! In the girls home,after the parents have done thorough research! ( even finding out the color toothbrush) Forget about lavish hotels this is all Chitzonious!

September 7, 2011 5:14 pm


Looks? How short sighted....
September 7, 2011 5:08 pm

Look, looks are important, but it has to be somewhere down the list. I mean there must be more important things than looks. No? It’s OK to ask for a picture before dating, but only AFTER most other priorities have been matched. Don’t START with a picture! It’s not just a matter of being shallow, it’s simply stupid. I mean wouldn’t you much rather live with a decent person who is decent looking than living with a super model who is super “witchy”?! Besides, looks will fade, attitude and personality will last. And the assumption is we want our marriage… Read more »

hey girl
September 7, 2011 5:04 pm

I’M typical bocher that dated so far about 50 normal lubab girls. i can say from my experience. U are the DRAMA its in your mind. i dont mean this in a negative way, in person i can explain it to you that u will understand however …think about it..at the end of the day is what U make of it. i am all the qualities that u are looking for and most probably if we date u will feel that u went threw that same ringer
I do feel for you in your sich.
[email protected]

Number 43... and all hopeless romantics!
September 7, 2011 5:04 pm

Being that everyone is messaging me thinking I’m you, I thought I’d give my 2 cents. I think personality indicators aren’t just great for perspective couples, but for married couples as well. We are in the process of developing a group specifically designed for this cause. The group is xurrently in beta and in early stages. First, the personality test is taken. Then based on your preferences we offer suggestions based on your preferences (only suggested).. Then you can go to a shadchan and say “Look into so and so”. What is Keirsey? The Keirsey Temprament Sorter (KTS) is a… Read more »

September 7, 2011 5:02 pm

i think everyone has to understand something here. we may be brought up in a chassidishe environment and learn a lot and have different priorities but you cant change nature. in the world girls and boys go out talk to each other for a long time …really get to know one another in a close personal way..if they really like them they marry them if they dont they wont….when a girl or boy gets let off or there is no interest in how the girl looks ….that is reality…its how us humans work….if someone is interested he or she will… Read more »

Get off your high horse
September 7, 2011 4:41 pm

Aaahhh give me a break and get off your high horse, You make it sound like guys are all lazy good for nothings while girls are perfect, let me tell you Ive dated plenty of girls that were thoughtless, selfish, obscene, lazy, rude, ect. I dont need to comtinue, u get the point.

So dont come on here and pretend like its all the guy’s fault and there are no normal ones out there, and that the girls are all saints with no flaws.

Number #21 is spot on
September 7, 2011 4:38 pm

No question that the proliferation of viewing inapropriate content on the web is our biggest problem. The longer it’s shoved under the rug, the harder it will be to fix…

People, do yourselves and your families a favor, get a good internet filter, AND most importantly fill your heads with as much Torah as you can. When your head is full of Torah, and your mind wanders for a moment, it goes to the sugya you’re in middle of. If you head is full of Shmutz, every idle moment, just keeps the head(s) racing. Vda”l.

September 7, 2011 4:35 pm

you are full of vain hot air. i am an attractive married woman who dresses nicely but always tzniusdik and i can tell you i did not go to no gym before i got married, and amazingly not only managed to get married to a special person but had more offers of shiduchim than you could ever imagine. perhaps because i was (and am) aidel, kind, friendly besides for being sincerely frum and chasidish, and will run ten miles to do a favor for another. and that my dear is what counts and shows thru. not weather you go to… Read more »

September 7, 2011 4:33 pm

who are the shadchanim that are TAKEN seriously ? and take their TITLE seriously? what is the SUCCESSFUL way to contact them (phone or e-mail ? during the day or evening?

All Lubavitch bachurim and girls are amazing. what is going on?

perhaps they need their FRIENDS !!!!! neighbors !!!!! and relatives!!!!!!! to help out .anyone can be a SHADCHAN!!!

September 7, 2011 4:25 pm


It's shocking
September 7, 2011 4:08 pm

I have a sister she’s extremely talented, went to the best seminary, runs a company and goes to school, and the Shadchonim recommend all these losers.

I think the youth have to make social events and make out own system for meeting up with people, the Shadchnim failed us terribly and take our money and do nothing.

If your asking why I don’t do what I preach, it’s cause I’m also in the market! However as soon as I get married I will start revolutionary changes in the system.

The Other Point of View
September 7, 2011 4:00 pm

From where I’m standing, after going out with all types of girls (from shlucims daughters to big bal habatim’s daughters), you can substitute everywhere she writes Bochur with Chabad single girl. everything you accuse bochurim of doing is exactly what i experience the girls doing as well. for example- i was on a date and the girl was texting in the middle of us having a conversation. It goes both ways and to think just because your frusterated at the fact your still single you blame the boys is just crazy. We’re all guilty of the same things.

September 7, 2011 3:58 pm

Venus, as in THE PLANET!!!!

There is a very popular secular book called Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus, that describes the fundamental differences between men and women.

Note to all men and women of marriageable age:
READ IT!!!!!

only early 20s???/
September 7, 2011 3:47 pm

and already fed up????
guess thats saying something

TO # 8
September 7, 2011 3:43 pm

you seam like a very sweet guy- like the type of guy tht id love to marry…

tto #32!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OKAAYYY
September 7, 2011 3:33 pm

why would u wanna smell bad and have messy hair-obviously a guy wont be attracted!!!!! r u actually kidding? its called looking after yourself…and always impressing your husband !

to number 26
September 7, 2011 3:30 pm

Ur right looks are not the most important but yes they are a factor and soo they should be after all how did tuu ba av come abt by the boys looking at the girls and seeing what they liked!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

To #4
September 7, 2011 3:30 pm

Unfortunately, they are all the same. Pretty pathetic.

September 7, 2011 3:29 pm

I’m a Mashpia to a few young boys, and what I hear makes my stomach turn upside down.

There are boys and girls that have everything good about them, however thier not from popular families, or not rich families, and have such a hard time, I thought in 2011 we got more mature, and stopped caring about such stupid things.

#21 is SPOT ON
September 7, 2011 3:28 pm

We should not be sweeping this under the carpet.

An Out-of-the-Box Suggestion
September 7, 2011 3:26 pm

Solid piece. I cannot fault the author on her perspective. After all, she IS the author. What seems to be lacking and/or missing in the orthodox dating (yes, I said this “evil” word #16) is mindset and personality. Indeed there are many shadchanim and professed “drive-by” shadchanim (those who don’t do it as employment; only to assist singles they may know) who deal with resumes and such forms of information exchanges. However, the point is blindly missed. There is only so much information to be derived from a piece of paper that states “boy/girl is frum, down-to-earth, will watch a… Read more »

September 7, 2011 3:25 pm

I’m a guy and you’re an idiot!

September 7, 2011 3:25 pm

Nobody talks about the guys, we spend tons of money, from gas, car wash, parking lots in the city, drinks, lounge fees, and the girls are wined and dined, and when they dump us ” how do u think we feel”.

18 year old girl
September 7, 2011 3:24 pm

it’s not ONLY about the looks. you choose someone for their personality, not because they look good! like c”v the goyim just choose someone cause of their appearance but this is wrong and you’ll make the person feel heart broken after cause you woke up and smelled the coffee that they dont match your personality! but, dont get me wrong, I do think Everyone, whether boy or girl, must take care if their looks for the public eye. and though I’m not in the shidduch age yet, I am learning a lot from you all and all I can say… Read more »

To #26
September 7, 2011 3:24 pm

You wrote: “One issue that is really hurting the shiddach proccess is that in most cases the boys side ask for a picture of the girl b/4 they even ask about the girls traits etc…” Hmm… If your daughters are pretty, than what problem do you have? Quite the contrary, I think that every Bochur should see a picture (A good picture, that is) of the girl he is looking in to, because if he doesn’t like her looks, then there is really NOTHING to talk about. A Bochur should NEVER marry a girl if he doesn’t like the way… Read more »

32 year old girl
September 7, 2011 3:19 pm

People keep saying that the shidduch problem is the shadchanim problem. Well, I don’t use shadchanim, I go through my friends and family. I generally trust them and they have been as appalled as i have by the audacity and horror of some of the guys I’ve “dated”.
One thing I can say, and this is not a generalization, only 1 out of the 14 guys I have ever been out on a date with has either called me back, or the person who had set us up!!!!

please enter a title
September 7, 2011 3:04 pm

i wish people would write their name when they comment!
ATT COL: maybe make a new commenting system where you have to write your name, it can go through facebook names or whatever.
its the first time i actually sat down and read these comments. the article was great as well as the comments. article doesnt need name. but comments dont mean as much when left without a name

September 7, 2011 3:02 pm

Does this apply only to girls from Venice?

September 7, 2011 3:00 pm

i agree to 29

September 7, 2011 2:58 pm

girls have to start putting themselves together better.
it’s not enough to just put on a black top and bottom.

Bochur, Early 20's
September 7, 2011 2:56 pm

WHY are we all just accepting the templates and narratives that are being laid out as fact?! Why do we all accept that ONLY the guys are picky? Why do we all accept that girls never turn us down for no reason? Why do we accept that girls will never see anything on our resume that’s a deal-breaker to them and still go out with us anyway? I’m in my early 20’s and have been on both sides of this “game”, nothing is clear cut. The biggest obstacle are the parents that decide their kids don’t really know what they… Read more »

Think we should work out more /go to the gym, make our hair look nice, wear nice clothes smell good . ?
September 7, 2011 2:53 pm

Are you for real? This is attributes for marriage? A zoch und vay.

to 28
September 7, 2011 2:48 pm

Right on.
Aliya gym is local, with mens and womens hours and is constantly getting new equiptment.

Agree with bochur 101
September 7, 2011 2:48 pm

she is lecturing guys as if saying lack of mentshlichkeit is gender specific to guys. For starters, that’s not mentshlich. Perhaps she impresses her lack of mentshlichkeit on all of her dates?! Maybe guys weasel out of dates for that reason? Thank G-d I’m married now for 5+ years, but I dated a girl once (married to somebody other than myself :)), I flew from out of town to date her (and had several hundred dollars of travel/dating expenses AS WELL AS CANCELING A PROMISING BUSINESS MEETING) and after two hours on the date she told me she was tired… Read more »

September 7, 2011 2:38 pm

amazing article i agree 100% heard this story so many times… scenario plays out hundreds of times. but girls need to be smart and go for the good guy who may not be as cool but is ready to get married rather than the fun immature player

put a little effort
September 7, 2011 2:26 pm

This goes for guys and girls
no one is perfect it will probally be hard to find some one who looks like an Abercrombie or Calvin Klien model. But I Think we should work out more /go to the gym, make our hair look nice, wear nice clothes smell good . looks are important who ever says there not is lying. So we should put effort in how we look this goes for guys and girls. But more importanlty be nice also

September 7, 2011 2:24 pm

Point is guys and girls to a large degree are not real about getting married. For any number of reasons. You can point fingers and blame whoever and whatever you like, it wont chage the fact. So stop this her fault his fault game and just get a backpack, travel and get some perspective on life. After a few months you will start to see that all those things you thought so important, really isn´t.

CPacker Levi, Quito Ecuador

Father of Girls and boys Married off more than half
September 7, 2011 2:15 pm

This is not easy to write but sadly very true.
One issue that is really hurting the shiddach proccess is that in most cases the boys side ask for a picture of the girl b/4 they even ask about the girls traits etc. if that’s the most important aspect of a potential wife woe to us and may hashem bless our boys with torah values (not video or facebook values) Ah gut gebenchede yohr with lots of simches.

a bochur
September 7, 2011 2:13 pm

6 is right!!!!!!!!!!

September 7, 2011 2:09 pm

firstlyi love the attitude and secondley i think it is a 2 way street but boys probly do it more……..yes i am a boy in the dating stage and no i am not like this

September 7, 2011 2:08 pm

I think we must get rid of the parents and Shadchnim they are the real problem here.

We need a few mature mothers and Mashpiyim getting together and meeting the eligible candidates, the parents and Shadchonim are all in left field.

one thing i hate about this system
September 7, 2011 2:05 pm

the one thing that drives me nuts is how the boys have the “upper hand.” they are the ones to agree or disagree to even meet the girl in the first place. I have been rejected without being looked into for no reason, just cuz the boy thinks ‘there’s something better out there.’ It’s funny cuz out there in the world, they date and meet for the most part without ‘prejudice.’ Here, you have to be gezha, rich, or both. Seriously, I consider myself to be just as talented and stable as my ‘gezha’ friends…yet they are given a chance… Read more »

Bochurim on the internet
September 7, 2011 2:03 pm

This girl is spot on.

The biggest problem is that nowadays 90% of bochurim (and 99% of older bochurim) are getting “ideas” on the internet – if you know what I mean – and regular girls have to compete with this unrealistic fantasy.

Do you think it is any coincidence that bochurim delaying marriage has coincided directly with the advent of high-speed-internet?

September 7, 2011 2:02 pm

You Girls have the same issue.
i understand that it’s a Bochurs market, but in the long run Girls Pull the same shtick.
It’s a 2 way street.
in Regards to the writer: you write with the vibe that you have a lot of Hate built up inside of you toward the system.
time to find a new shaddchan.
good luck.

To comment about the truth
September 7, 2011 2:00 pm

There is a Shaschan in crown heights that charges $ 250.00 dollars, all he does is send u resumes if you ask for one,

Bkitzur, my Chasidishe friends see a girl in te bagel shop they find pretty they call that guy and he supplies info, if that’s not cray what is.

18 year old bochur:
September 7, 2011 2:00 pm

i dont know anything about shidduchim, but what you all teach me is to find out what marriage is all about before i plan on go out, and i suggest all you guys do the same. – unlike a guy that told me he cant get married b/c he cant find a hot enough girl!

September 7, 2011 1:57 pm

I just went through this!! Dated a guy for over two months who couldn’t make up his mind. Here I am hurt and left in the dust.
A) He was “dating for marriage” and wasn’t ready to get married
B)Couldn’t commit
C)Couldn’t be real with himself (be a man and stand up to his words)
D) Has/had no clue what he wants from life
E) Left me hanging

I’m hurt and tired of this game. Let’s stop this from happening to others!

Rabbi Mattis Kantor Eastern Parkway
September 7, 2011 1:45 pm

The problem is in the detail. The word. Dating. A goyishe concept. The focus is on dating. Dating implies shooting at fish in a barrel. Churning the multiple outings (to pleasant places.). Eventually whining on a blog site. Get real chevra. We are not Modern Orthodox (yet?). Any proposal is min HaShamayim. Not just a fisherman (shadchan) pointing at a fish in the barrel and saying “Hey try that one. He looks good.” It should be a meeting. Almost like a business meeting (they can be pleasant enjoyable also.) Thorough research has already been done (the boy or girl, parents,… Read more »

Dating is Hard
September 7, 2011 1:37 pm

Of course this girl is writing from a girls perspective, after all she is the one writing. And yes you are right that it is a two way street. Dating is hard for girls and boys a like. And both sexes need to take into account the other parties feelings. One thing I will say however, is that some boys (this is not a generalization) have more offers than some girls being that there are more girls on the shidduch scene. Regardless, boy or girl, you need to push through and g-d willing you will find your bashert very soon!

Another point...
September 7, 2011 1:29 pm

Thank you to whoever wrote this article. You brought up very valid issues but I think it goes the same for girls and boys. It seems to me from the little experience I have of dating that some individuals (not just the boys) are more interested in just moving on to the next stage of life and getting married without really having their heart in the right place. If you want to marry someone you have to invest time getting to know the person and not just talking about yourself or “selling yourself” you have to show the other person… Read more »

Keep It Coming
September 7, 2011 1:28 pm

Thank you for this article, I agree with what you are saying, I think it is very important for boys to know what girls want and vice versa.
So as long as these articles are respectful I think that whoever has good advise or feedback should please post it so that we can come to a better understanding of each other.

September 7, 2011 1:27 pm

The Shadchonim are the cause of all Shiduchim problems, and if while thier reading my comment they feel insulted they should get real jobs, I will explain hat I mean. A boy or girl reaches marriage age and they call the pollular Shadchan, what usually happens is they meet you or speak with you for a cinsultation and then u fill outba form ad leave them with money that they oficaily take u on as a client. Now you leave thier home, an think your on the way to dating, well ” are u in for a surprise ” a… Read more »

For boys only
September 7, 2011 1:25 pm

The gemara kedushin 2:b says that the way of a man is to look for a wife. Do your job and contact me. I am a shadchan. The Rebbe gave me a bracha to do so while standing in line for dollars in 1989. Please contact me at [email protected]. I’m serious about my work. You also have a job. Be serious too.
As for the girls, you can e-mail your profile with references to me. Perhaps we can make a few shidduchim with Hashem’s help. Shaliach.

September 7, 2011 1:24 pm

It is really below my dignity to respond to such a letter, but I am so appalled at the authors tone that I feel compelled to. Although for the most part everything she lists is true, her tone of voice and approach are disgusting. “I am sure that many of you are very mature high-quality bochurim that are thoughtful, responsible and sensitive. (Although I am yet to discover where you all are hiding!)” – How stupidly general is that statement?!? How thoughtless and rude to the tens, if not hundreds, of Bochurim that I know who all seem to be… Read more »

Superiority complex
September 7, 2011 1:24 pm

It works both ways, a lot of girls these days think that they are intellectually superior to most Bocherim and will not deign to go out with a Bocher who actually followed the Rebbe’s instructions NOT TO GO TO COLLEGE.
Until the girls stop looking down on the guys who didn’t go to college, this “crisis” will not be resolved.

early 20's bochur.......
September 7, 2011 1:22 pm

I am in my early 20’s and though i have not started dating yet i have to agree with this article for the simple fact that guys can be very immature and honestly not ready to date for the right reasons. Many guys feel that they have to show a girl that “macho man”act and try to be all tough and in control when really they are far from that and it turns a girl off. I think girls just wanna see guys who will respect them and make them feel appreciated which many guys have issues with because thats… Read more »

September 7, 2011 1:22 pm

i think comment number 1 and Sick And Tired Of Dating Drama should go out. Perfect! im being serious here

a bochur
September 7, 2011 1:20 pm

3 is right!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

No name
September 7, 2011 1:18 pm

I’m a 25 year old Bochur, and I’m on the dating scene for a year, and I want to let you know ( the writer ) that I feel the girls are just as guilty! Firstly I’m very honest from the start what I’m all about,and I go out with girls and then they back out, based on things that were clear on my resume before we even met!!! That’s called not dating for marriage purposes. Second, I was recently dating someone that would smile, and say what a great time their having, date after date and then after agreeing… Read more »

September 7, 2011 1:16 pm


September 7, 2011 1:04 pm

can a guy please write what is expected from the girls?? two way street!

from another girl
September 7, 2011 12:59 pm

sorry, either you don’t know what you’re looking for, or you have the wrong shadchan…

a bochur
September 7, 2011 12:57 pm

I think this applies to girls as much as boys i have dated girls who have been on vacation in the middle as well as only going out because parents push them into it. it goes both ways. But i do agree that if ur not interested dont go out again just to make the shadchan feel good

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