By Rabbi Ohad Maon – [email protected]
Marriage is a complex and delicate union of two people of opposing natures. In order to achieve harmony between the newly married couple, they should both receive proper advice and guidance before the wedding.
Girls have such a program of varying lengths in the last year of school and in seminary. But the boys have non in the Yeshiva Gedola, Kevutza or most Smicha programs. Their preparation for the most important step in life is at best, 5-6 meetings with a rabbi who gives them some information.
In the course of my work as a counselor, I repeatedly come across a marked discrepancy between the mindset of the girls who have at least an idea about married life, and most boys who simply do not know what to do and how to behave.
I heard from a number of worried new husbands the question, “why is she crying?” The men were not complaining, they were just concerned and that was based on a lack of knowledge of what to do or how to behave.
Many of you know that which is stated above. The question is what could be done to improve the current situation. I have been writing and lecturing about this to many bochurim and I think there are 3 key areas that need to be taught (besides for chosson classes and lessons about relationships):
1. Communication – the Chassidic way
The first is Communication teaching the boys correct ways to communicate according to the Chassidic axiom that everything that is said must take into consideration the person who is hearing those words. This instruction is correct for all of us. In other words, weigh your words before you say them. When talking to your wife respect her and always remember that she is more sensitive and emotional than you are.
Yes, it is appropriate for boys in Shiur Gimel Yeshiva Gedola. The same goes for one’s mother and sisters. Moreover, the need to weigh one’s words will make the boys more aware of the way they speak in general.
2. Time management
The second topic is time management. It is one the most difficult areas of life. The sudden change from being a single bochur with a very narrow field of time obligations, to a married man with a much larger amount of details to care for is very sharp. In addition to that before he is married a young man he does not have to consult anyone else when coming to make decisions of to use time. As a husband, he is always in the need to consider his wife’s needs and wishes. The Rabbeim are organized every second is utilized to its maximum. No-one expects that for a recently married man, however, given proper advice life can be much enhanced for the newlyweds.
3. Financial responsibility
The third topic is financial management. This is one of the issues over which couples of all ages experience strife and pain. Therefore it is paramount that proper financial guidance will be accorded to bochurim as early as possible.
Again, there is a sharp change for the newly married man. Beforehand he had only to fend for himself only, but the morning after the wedding he has to make sure that the household can pay the bills which quickly add up to a few thousand dollars a month. Here to there is a Chassidic principle that which is permissible is not always necessary.
In conclusion, there are no guarantees for any newlyweds. However, with proper and down to earth instructions, the boys can come to married life much better prepared and equipped with real knowledge. Any questions, remarks and suggestions are welcome.
Agree with the author . There needs to be am awareness for the young guys, at least last year of Yeshiva or semichs. A few courses on these topics like an hour a day.
Can’t say they this will help 100 percent for everyone but one must do what they can, especially those Rabbis and mashpim.
Good luck Rabbi Moan.
בס”ד A clarification to all who requested an explanation. The basic premise behind the third point of the article was the spirit behind financial decisions. The Chassidic guideline of “that which is forbidden is forbidden and that which is permissible is not necessary” when implied to financial planning, means that one should consider if a certain purchase is really needed. This principle does not mean that people should enjoy life, but rather not spend money unnecessarily. The maybe somewhat foreign to the American frame of mind, but all I saying is that Chassidus offers the spirit of things as the… Read more »
At a first glance seems sad.
What it all boils down to is AVODA AZMIS!
Hazlocho to all the girls and boys out there.
Hold on and be patient.
Is there a list of people who are resources for newly engaged couples? Who gives classes to boys?
Some guys are very sweet and menshlech, while their wives can be monsters and were never educated to speak nicely to their spouse!
It seems that girls are given so many tools by discussing marriage from the age of 17 or so, while boys don’t seem to hear about it at all. It would help the women if they can have more mature, marriage ready partner, and would give them less to “take in” and ignore.
Some girls also need to be educated how to speak to their husbands respectfully. Girls with a bossy nature feel that they are welcome to scream at their husband whenever they like, and boss him around, whereas to their friends they can be all nice and soft… And even if their hormones are driving them crazy, they still need to take responsibility for their actions and be in control, or at least apologize after…!!!
Yes- men should be given a heads up- women areemotional! My husband was confused when i would cry and he would basically if or sit, thinking he was giving me space, when really i needed him to comfort me. Especially many couples become pregnant shortly after marriage. Also- BIGGIE on my list: I’ve always wanted my husband to have kvias for learning. Not learning all day, with no time to look or deal with the kids. It’s hard not to “interrupt” when he has his nose in a book all day. (I love my husband dearly, just want to spend… Read more »
I wish young men and women were taught how to develop ’emotional intelligence’. People these days really need to be helped to understand themselves more and of course all types of personalities they will be encountering throughout life. As much as keeping a strong Chassidus-foundation in the education, the teaching must be grounded and easy to apply, not philosophical…. One more point: A forth topic I think is very essential for young bochurim, is educating them as to how to identify a suitable, worthy match. Give them solid, healthy values from a young age! They might not be getting it… Read more »
A lot of boys have left home at 15/16 and don’t see normal married life. This is a priority topic and should be taught in Yeshivah!!
Also follow ab chosson kalla classes. The tyeacher should reach out. We were extremely shy chosson and kalla and had issues in the first few years with no one to turn to. Bh we sorted it out however I wish teachers would send the couples out in ocean after finishing teaching the “ sylybus”
I fully appreciate the idea of men having these classes. The bayis yehudi girls get in seminary teaches them to basically be their husbands’ servants. If I could add a few issues young people have complained to me about. 1. The husbands who think going to work is all they need to do and refuse to help with the kids or help around the house. (I should add these are the same fathers who complain their kids want nothing to do with them when they are older.) These are usually the same men who find going to minyan or a… Read more »
thank you for your clear presentation in order to give practical advice to helping marriages. one topic that worries me, besides this is how good, chasidishe bochurim today, dont have clarity on what tznius for a women should be. Even though the achraius is of the women of course, in todays yeridas hadoros, it might be helpfull that the bochurim learn halochos of tznius in dress. I have seen too many couples that becuase the bochur, or yunger man didnt know the halochos, he agreed that this or that looks nice on his wife, or will be ok once married… Read more »
then have it okayed by well -respected Rabbis and present it at the next kinnus hamechanchim, or send it to yeshivas where it can be taught to the right age groups plus of course to all chossen teachers
Thank Gd the men learn gemara and rambam because there it tells how much respect and care you should give you wife etc
Classes or counseling is needed after a few months of marriage. Up until then it is academic. Necessary but still academic.
Kollel year could include role playing sessions to model ways to communicate, ways to negotiate and compromise, and ways to understand body language (including tears).
Thank you
I agree with the basic point of this article – the need for young men to get guidance before marriage. Kudos to Rabbi Maon for bringing this up. Guidance is needed prior to dating, during dating, and during the first year (at least) of marriage. Sadly, many mashpi’im are not equipped to help bochurim with dating advice. Organized classes with qualified mashpi’im who have Torah and practical wisdom, experience, and possibly some training is vital. This guidance should include how to identify warning signs during dating that the shidduch is not right, to understand what compromise during marriage truly means… Read more »
I agree that there should be more concrete classes on marriage.
When the excitement is over and real life begins, a couple must be taught how to live in harmony.
Frum psycologist and mentors must meet with the couples a few times before the marriage. this would avoid lots of unnecessary heartaches.
Wasn’t there a series of.chassidishe dating and.marriage classes?
#5 Agree 100%, it’s so much more important to learn about pregnancy and to learn about side affects and how to treat your wife during this hard time! Also marriage in general not only while she is pregnant…. Why is yeshiva so stuck on teaching Gemara for about 7 hours a day and other topics when at the end of the day you spend your whole life with your wife and not a Gemara or chitas it in your hands, especially if you are taking care of her throwing up and being to sick to get out of bed for… Read more »
The author is not giving specific advice to young couples. Rather he is pointing out the value of this topic being taught to bochurim during their yeshiva years. Furthermore,he points out how it can be discussed within the framework of chassidus. Excellent idea! Actually, the yeshivas should hire him as a guest lecturer for a few days. He is most likely more qualified than the mashpiim to teach this important sensitive topic. I would add not to wait until shiur Gimmel zal. Many bochurim are no longer in yeshiva then – for various reasons including a shlichus program. They learn… Read more »
They should also definately be taught about pregnancy ( the side effects etc). I know that if they don’t have proper education on this matter it leads to shalom bayis problems.
Or perhaps boys and girls should be allowed to get a little older and be actual responsible adults before getting married, rather than marrying them off at 19-21. Radical idea, I know.
That boys know it’s ok to ask for help, that everyone has issues and they aren’t the only one who isn’t the “perfect” couple
Which is easily the biggest sticking point as correctly pointed out by the author:
What did he mean by connecting this to the Chassidic principle ” what is permissible is not always neccessary”?
Regarding the 3rd key area.
What exactly do you suggest about financial stability, I feel the author is too generic