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  |  April 28, 2024

Answers to Common Excuses For Not Attending a Simcha

From the COLlive inbox: "Is it only to simchas where the hosts are savvy at promoting themselves that we attend? Are the hosts meant to remind and beg you to come in order for you to show up? Have we lost our sense of loyalty and integrity?" Full Story

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May there be an overflowing amount of simchas
June 25, 2023 8:32 pm

May these be our ‘problems’ THANK YOU HASHEM
May we always be blessed with an abundance of simchas for klal Yisroel

Here's the thing....
June 25, 2023 8:34 pm

Just like your 3 elaborate points on 3 kinds of people: those who come, try to come and excuses that didnt come. Perhaps 3 points on WHY they didn’t come. Now I’m no pessimist but realist: 1. Those who feel a ping pong – you didnt come to mine why should I come to yours 2. Those who KNOW IN THEIR BEINGS – you ONLY invited them for a reason, otherwise you wouldnt have (And in continuation) that reason they have no intention of giving you 3. In addition if it’s a single (older or in the parsha) it’s a… Read more »

Time is precious
June 25, 2023 8:46 pm

I don’t need an excuse to not attend an event. Just because a person decided to send me an invitation doesn’t mean that I have to attend. It happens to be that living in crown heights people do get invited sometimes the two or three weddings per week. Which is all very nice but if a person has to get to work the next day they don’t have that time as much as you’re saying it a person is obligated to make time. As a teacher my work doesn’t finish at the end of the school day. That’s when it… Read more »

Valid point
Reply to  Time is precious
June 25, 2023 9:43 pm

Organize priorities!! Absolutely

In addition to lechaims and bar mitzvahs etc
Reply to  Time is precious
June 25, 2023 9:58 pm

Anyone with enough of a circle of friends, family and acquaintances will find themselves with multiple simchos to attend during any given week.

We may be absolutely thrilled for the baalei hasimcha and would love to participate. But there are only so many hours in a day, and saying yes to one means saying no to another – in the case of those with a growing family, our own spouse and children.

To the offended Baal/as hasimcha: may you be blessed with a large family and full life, and the wisdom to prioritize properly.

You can have 3 a night
Reply to  In addition to lechaims and bar mitzvahs etc
June 26, 2023 2:08 am

Even if you ka”h have 3 simchas a night it’s still no excuse you can always stop by for 15 min it’ll only take an hour of your precious time

Not really
Reply to  You can have 3 a night
June 26, 2023 9:08 am

Because sometimes you need to be at 1 for the whole time

I am not obligated to miss out on work
Reply to  You can have 3 a night
June 26, 2023 5:42 pm

I work two jobs.
My night job, precludes staying late or going at night to any simchas.
My day job, means I can’t go in the day or evening.
Tell me how that “is no excuse”.

some people's time is indeed precious
Reply to  You can have 3 a night
June 26, 2023 9:24 pm

not everyone has that hour to spare.

Ridiculous
June 25, 2023 8:56 pm

Simchas are massive and crowded. Yes, if you live in crown heights, have extended family, neighbors, coworkers and friends, you will likely have simchas to attend at least 3 nights a week (often multiple simchas each night). You don’t have to go to all of them, the baalei simcha don’t expect you to and no, they won’t necessarily come to yours. Because it’s not excuses, it’s reasons. We have families to raise and work to do, we can’t just swipe on some lipstick and abandon bedtime and responsibilities regularly. Everyone goes to what they can, when they can. You know… Read more »

Not everyone's simcha is full
Reply to  Ridiculous
June 26, 2023 7:04 am

Maybe that’s the OPs message, to prioritize simchas that don’t have a huge circle of friends and aren’t so well connected.

We need reminders!
June 25, 2023 8:58 pm

We BH made a בר מצוה recently. I mailed an invitation to my friend whose son is a good friend of my son. She didn’t show up. When I called her the next day, she said that she didn’t receive the invitation. Her son came because he got the invitation from my son in school. On my part, I was so upset to hear that and regretted not having sent her a WhatsApp reminder! Although I sent WhatsApp reminders to those who didn’t rsvp,I somehow just didn’t send her one and totally assumed that she received it. From her part,… Read more »

Dovid
Reply to  We need reminders!
June 26, 2023 1:57 am

Mistakes happen. She shouldn’t be expected to WhatsApp you a Mazal tov if she didn’t receive an invitation. If anything, you should have WhatsApp’d her. It sounds like you are still blaming her instead of learning your own lesson.

It happened to me
Reply to  We need reminders!
June 26, 2023 11:24 am

Sometimes when a person does not receive an invitation they are uncomfortable taking the approach you mention.
A more viable solution is the Baal-Simcha should contact anyone who was sent an invitation but did not respond and say – I hope you received my invitation because I would love to see you there -.

Barmitzvah….
June 25, 2023 8:59 pm

My friend was at a bar mitzvah recently. She said that by the time the bar mitzvah boy said his maamer, all the boys were out in the hallway playing ball. There was hardly anyone in the hall when he was saying his maamer. It broke my heart to hear that!! Can you imagine how the boy felt?? Do you know what type of long lasting effects that can have? No teacher or principal were to be found. Where were they?? If you are a teacher or principal of bar mitzvah age kids, that is your job to show up… Read more »

Nice excuse
Reply to  Barmitzvah….
June 25, 2023 11:27 pm

Why do we blame the teachers ?!
You obviously have no clue what it feels like to be a teacher at a public event,
you expect them to discipline publicly really ?
it’s after school , why would they get involved, why would the kids listen?!

Teach your own children how to be respectful at home stop expecting miracles from schools !
when the parents fight , argue and raise their voices and expect the teachers to repair the outcomes

If you want the school to help?
Reply to  Barmitzvah….
June 26, 2023 10:10 am

Maybe Bar Mitzvah’s should just be a glorified lunch in school during school hours. Then you can have the teacher’s and school support. And if you want to make a party after school, that’s on you to figure out how to get your guests to behave.

Look teachers have an alternative schedule for birthday parties and farbrengins. Why not have a slightly upgraded lunch for a Bar Mitzvah?

A teacher.
Reply to  Barmitzvah….
June 26, 2023 11:41 pm

Who in the world do you think you are? While a teacher cares about his students from the bottom of his heart, and will help out in situations from the kindness of his heart. We has no obligation after hours. Have you thought about how hard it is for a teacher to make it to all these bar mitzvos in general? A teacher works hard all day to get the children to listen to him sometimes he succeeds, and sometimes… After school hours a teacher has no authority over the students. If a teacher tries enforcing something after school hours,… Read more »

Thanks!
June 25, 2023 9:09 pm

I actually work night shift (medicine) and cant always make it

Ridiculous
June 25, 2023 9:19 pm

I have a certain amount of energy and I get to choose where it goes. I don’t go to simchas that I don’t want to. I don’t need an excuse and I don’t feel guilty.

Night shift
June 25, 2023 9:49 pm

People are in different stages in life. There were times that after the kids went to sleep after a full day (from 6am) and juggling home work supper and attending to kids there’s no more energy left. Period.
Bh simchos can start late and it’s physically, emotionally very hard to get out in the evening.

6am
Reply to  Night shift
June 26, 2023 3:46 am

Starting at only 6am would be nice!

100%
Reply to  Night shift
June 26, 2023 5:37 am

Absolutely true. These Le’chaims in Crown Heights particularly begin at a ridiculous hour at night.

It’s crazy
Reply to  100%
June 26, 2023 10:28 pm

8:30 on the invite, first guests come at 9:30. We should make lchaims start earlier, 7 should be a normal time to show up.

WHOA what a load of judgment!!
June 25, 2023 9:52 pm

Enjoy your simcha and give people the space to be themselves without judging them for why they weren’t able to attend. Nobody needs your solutions, everyone knows the solutions – some people might value being a more attentive mother and wife without feeling overwhelmed the next day, more than going out to another simcha. That’s OKAY. You need a dose of compassion and some therapy for feeling like a victim when many UNDERSTANDABLY cannot show up.

Women have lives
June 25, 2023 9:53 pm

So according to this oped (for some reason targeted to women) there is never any reason to miss any simcha. Here’s a few: 1. Mikvah.. 2. Failed fertility cycle and don’t want to face anyone right now 3. Early pregnancy and feel horrible, or self conscious or have nothing to wear without showing when I’m not ready to announce it 3. Late pregnancy and can’t move 4. Can’t afford a babysitter, if I’m paying $15+an hour it will be for a date night with my own husband 5. My husband can’t or won’t pull his weight and babysit the kids… Read more »

Agreed 100%
Reply to  Women have lives
June 26, 2023 3:29 am

THIS!!!

Amein
June 25, 2023 9:56 pm

Bezrhas hashem we should have multiple wedding every night!

Bar Mitzvahs?
June 25, 2023 10:02 pm

Bar Mitzvahs should be family-only events. Would be better for everyone.

very very judgemental
June 25, 2023 10:07 pm

The questions and answers you provide are so theoretical and lacking the actual practical understanding of people’s situations. We obviously want to attend simchas and have gone through your answers and yet they just don’t always work. It’s really easy to provide solutions for other people when you arent living with their circumstances.

Some reasons missing
June 25, 2023 10:07 pm

Social anxiety is a thing! For some people it takes extreme inner strength to show up at a simcha. Please don’t judge!

Yep
Reply to  Some reasons missing
June 26, 2023 10:27 pm

As much as I wish I was able, the last time I tried going to a wedding myself I ended up crying in the bathroom and leaving. I can handle it if I go with someone, and when it’s a close friend I will push myself to go (with someone) but it is not easy by ANY means.

Overwhelmed with Simchos BH
June 25, 2023 10:08 pm

If you live in CH, you need to be either single or semi retired to have to be able to properly participate in Simchos. I know it’s a good problem but thats my take on it.

solution
June 25, 2023 10:08 pm

Perhaps people should consider making smaller simchas for their close family, friends etc. With the money saved teachers can get properly payed improving our childrens education.

Tone deaf
June 25, 2023 10:18 pm

What happened to not judging other? You don’t think there are 100 other reasons someone might not attend a simchos than the ones you mentioned? Perhaps every baal simcha should judge people favorably. You never ever know what someone else is going through.

dislike
June 25, 2023 10:18 pm

These arent excuses, they are real reasons. It’s unreasonable and unrealistic to expect the ch community to make it to every single simcha, and to host the whole world and to manage with our own daily responsibilities of works and family etc. Most of us are trying our best to balance it and make it as often as we can BH, and we understand each other when we can’t. No need to write us off with these ‘answers,’. It’s not like we didn’t think of these options. We’re all trying and sometimes we can make it and sometimes we can’t.… Read more »

Wait what?
June 25, 2023 10:20 pm

Is there such a thing as dis”honestly not feeling well”?! After a long day at work I myself need to be the judge of how much I can or cannot overextend myself. Going out at night when I’m tired and have a headache may very well make me bedridden the next day. I’m sorry I may be missing your simcha, but I need to actually listen to my body’s signals. If I ignore them and try to run around town, I will regret it and my family will lose out.

Checkitout
June 25, 2023 11:01 pm

I think the most important issues was not touched on in this article. If you receive an invitation to a simcha, please respond. If you know that you are or are not going to attend, let the baal simcha know ASAP. It is necessary and a big help to the baal simcha to know how many people to expect and prepare for. With almost no one responding, it becomes onerous to try to call the entire list of invitees, and it’s not fair for the baal simcha to have to do that. If the people of our community were in… Read more »

Plan accordingly
June 25, 2023 11:07 pm

It’s wonderful to come together & celebrate. But life happens, & we all make choices that work for our families. My only issue is a waste of $ on Baal simcha part. It’s painful to see dinner tables set up & not touched. I once saw 3 tables…. (30 guests) being empty for the dinner. That’s ALOT of $ & food going to waste. Ppl really should be more mindful when confirming final guest count.

Mandatory minimums
Reply to  Plan accordingly
June 26, 2023 8:23 am

Most caterers/hall have a minimum amount of pple that they set up for.

Also, if no-one confirms that they are coming, the host has to guess

Important questions
June 25, 2023 11:33 pm

It appears that you have most things figured out, but there are a couple of points that require clarification:

A) Do I need to eat the fish course, or is sampling from the smorgasbord sufficient to make the host feel satisfied?

B) Do I have to engage in the complete hand-holding dance, or is the Chassidic slow dance, where I awkwardly hold the back of the person in front of me, satisfactory?

Disappointed and a little disgusted
June 26, 2023 12:11 am

I really don’t like the people who sit on they’re couches and write judgemental,silly, and unhelpful articles,discussing the problems which they find in other people or Institutions

Gifts
June 26, 2023 12:19 am

You left out the financial considerations

What really bothers me?
June 26, 2023 12:19 am

When i buy a gift for the chossen & kalla and do NOT receive a thank u card!!

Acknowledgement
Reply to  What really bothers me?
June 26, 2023 7:13 am

I don’t need a thank you card—a phone call or text is fine—as long as I get some acknowledgment that the gift was received so I don’t have to wonder whether it got lost.

To Acknowledgement
Reply to  Acknowledgement
June 26, 2023 9:49 am

It is courtesy to give thanks anytime you receive a gift

I don't like the tone of this article
June 26, 2023 12:31 am

While you may have a good point you are trying to bring to people, I do feel that the way this is written is really untasteful. And judgmental.
Perhaps if you came from a different angle it would be better accepted.

I hope you have many more simchas!
June 26, 2023 12:56 am

I really hope this person heals and stops judging other people for not attending simchas. Also, why would you want people who don’t want to be at your simcha to be at your simcha?
Hope you have many more simchas with sooo many guest in attendance! Amen!

We all have stories
June 26, 2023 1:45 am

My “best friend” made a l’chaim the same night as my son’s bar mitzvah. There wasn’t even a minyan for bentching. You can only imagine how I felt. I made follow up calls for weddings. Sure, we’ll be there… and they never showed up. Apart from noting their absence and feeling hurt, we paid for their attendance. Decades later, I still remember the people who didn’t come to our simchos, coming up with every excuse from falling asleep with their kids (my neighbor and very close friend) to the weather. Bottom line… the baalei simcha invite people THEY LIKE. It… Read more »

Dovid
June 26, 2023 2:06 am

To the author. I understand that your letter might be the result of no one showing up at your Simcha. However, it also seems like you are assuming that everyone has this perfect life, with perfect children, perfect schools, perfect work etc. I’m not sure what your background in those matters are, but not always is it as easy as you write for someone to just show up at a Simcha for a few minutes. For some people it can be really really hard. Now this doesn’t mean that no one at all should show up, but you shouldn’t assume… Read more »

Menachem.
June 26, 2023 7:05 am

Interesting vent !! When I was a Chosson I took Classes by Rabbi Chaiken Shelita We learnt the halachos got tested etc etc. The last day before it finished. He learnt with us, as the called it די פינפטע שולחן ערוך The common sense the mindfulness and curiosity etc. One of the things he taught us is, When you invite a friend also newly married to a Friday night a housewarming party etc. if one says no I’m sorry. Just accept it don’t ask why. Simply put one never knows and it’s non if your business either. And therefore….. I… Read more »

What it's really about
June 26, 2023 8:23 am

When it comes down to it, I know which simchos to prioritize based on my relationship with the one who is making the simcha. The relationship will really define when it feels like it was worth it to show up or feels like I wasted my time. Many times I pushed myself to go to a simcha and regretted it. Then I realized that if it feels too much like I’m pushing myself, it’s because there’s a lack of connection with the host and I probably will regret it, so I stopped wasting my time and energy going to those.… Read more »

Moshiach the guest of Honor - the biggest no show
June 26, 2023 8:25 am

People are just learning it from there role model Moshiach.

*Their
Reply to  Moshiach the guest of Honor - the biggest no show
June 26, 2023 11:07 am

Cheer up, go learn Shaarei Geula

Friends vs. acquaintances
June 26, 2023 9:36 am

True friends DO prioritize and show up, exactly as described. You’re expecting acquaintances to behave as close friends, and that is immature, unrealistic and unfair to both parties.

This is the point
Reply to  Friends vs. acquaintances
June 26, 2023 11:30 am

if you DON’T have a big circle of friends it becomes painfully obvious when you make a simcha and nobody is there.
That’s why I say, prioritize going to people who probably don’t have a lot of close friends and family. You really can make their simcha by showing up.

We should go back to the old style of doing things
Reply to  This is the point
June 26, 2023 3:31 pm

It’s not a numbers game. I would rather have a fewer amount of family and dear friends, than a greater amount of acquaintances and distant people. It’s the quality that counts, not the quantity.

Blasting loud music
June 26, 2023 10:51 am

Is blasting music so loud a valid reason not to attend ?

Changing, subject slightly
June 26, 2023 11:18 am

Changing the subject slightly

It’s always nice to receive a thank you card for a gift, however, Kallah,
please put your maiden name inside the card.
Very often we know the Kallah side and have no idea who sent the thank you card, because it now has ONLY the newly minted last name of the Chosson .
You know who you are , but we don’t know who you are.
We can’t always keep track of and remember, the last name of who you married.
בנין עדי עד

My Opinion
June 26, 2023 11:24 am

Some of these comments verge on cruelty. I get both sides of this discussion. However, what did Hillel say to someone who wished to convert – “the MAIN THING OF TORAH – WHAT IS HATEFUL TO YOU DO NOT DO TO SOMEONE ELSE – THE REST IS COMMENTARY”!!! How would YOU feel if it was YOUR simcha when those you had invited, for WHATEVER reason, did not come. BH there are many simchos to attend (and in the midst of a so called shidduch crisis). Perhaps it’s all in preparation, and a taster, for the time when, with Moshiach’s final… Read more »

Cowardes
June 26, 2023 12:37 pm

Whoever wrote this article is a coward, if you want to so blatantly express your judgemental opinions and ill advice on a public forum, at least have the decency to show your face and tell us who you are.

We should go back to the old style of doing things
June 26, 2023 1:02 pm

Years ago, people would make small simchas in their homes or rent a small hall and invite only family and the closest of friends. It was a lot less expensive and any attendees who showed, really wanted to be there (more or less). Maybe we need to go back to that model, instead of expecting participants to be like props or pawns in elaborate affairs, in order to fill the empty halls and create a buzz that will be memorable to the ba’al/as simcha. Speak to the people who had covid simchas, with very few participants, and I am sure… Read more »

Grateful we left
June 26, 2023 4:43 pm

What chutzpah !
I have made 4 weddings I was to busy dancing to see who came and not.
Where I live now and go to a wedding, I’m home by 10 if not before. When I did attend weddings in NY, I showed up, danced with kallah and mother and that’s it.
The author must have nothing else to complain about

Kamtza
June 30, 2023 7:08 am

The Gemara says that because of “Kamtza and Bar Kamtza Yerushalayim was destroyed.” The question is what did Kamtza do?

The Maharsha (which we can not learn on Tisha BAv and need to do so at some other time) says that Kamtza was Bar Kamtza’s father. A saying of chasidim though is that Kamtza did not just attend his friend’s simcha and waited for an invite. If he made sure to attend, indeed, the whole thing would not have happened.

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