Answers to Common Excuses For Not Attending a Simcha

By a Crown Heights resident

We are living in a community where we celebrate many simchas, Baruch Hashem. From the perspective of the one making the simcha, it’s a very exciting time that they have been looking forward to. Understandably, they want their family, friends and acquaintances to share in their simcha. They send out invitations in anticipation of celebrating this joyous occasion together.

Invitations are sent out. There are those who will mark down the date right away and make sure to come and properly participate in the entire simcha for as long as possible. There are others will make sure to come, but they’ll just drop by for a few minutes to say Mazel Tov. There are yet others who roll their eyes when they receive an invitation, wishing they weren’t invited. 

There is no end to people’s excuses for not showing up to a simcha. In most cases where people don’t show up, it’s not for a very valid reason. A person figures out how to show up where he wants to show up. Attending simchas of people you have a connection to should be on the list.

If someone is inviting you, they want you to come and are delighted when you do. It’s heartwarming to a person when their friends, relatives, colleagues and neighbors participate in their simcha.  It’s a short-term inconvenience to have to get out of the house after a long day to attend a simcha, but the benefits are long-term. They will fondly remember and appreciate that you came, for a long time to come.

Busy & overworked, exhausted, juggling many responsibilities?
Go for a short while. You can sleep/cook/work later (unless you have a night job). While this simcha is now – during this few hour time frame, for the baalei Simcha this particular simcha happens only once.

Have kids who need your attention?
Arrange beforehand for your husband, one of the older siblings or babysitter to watch the kids while you’re out and stay out for a short while. If you need to, take turns with your husband if you both have to go.

Busy in the kitchen cooking for Shabbos guests? Can’t get dressed?
Put on lipstick, mascara, and a nice jacket and slip out of the house briefly. You don’t need to get dressed up. People would rather that you show up dressed plainly than not show up at all because you couldn’t get dressed. The cooking can wait for later. The simcha will be over later.

Have another simcha or farbrengen to attend that night?
If you plan properly and are interested in attending both, you can do both. If you’re hosting the farbrengen, don’t plan a farbrengen in your house on the night you’re invited to a simcha – unless you know that you’ll make sure to go afterward. 

Not feeling well?
That’s your judgment call. If you’re honestly not feeling well, then go to sleep.

Forgot about the simcha? Weather is bad?
Mark it down on your calendar when you get the invite. Bad weather is a flimsy reason for not doing what’s important to you. 

“I’m happy for their simcha, but they’ll understand if I can’t come. I’ll send them my Mazel tov wishes and a gift later.”
From their part, they may or may not understand, but from your part – you have to put in the effort to come. People notice and appreciate every person who comes. They appreciate your wishes and presents too, but it’s specifically your presence at their simcha that truly shows that you value your relationship with them. They know that you didn’t have any bad intentions, but it still hurts.

“I received an invitation but not a follow-up reminder so I don’t have to come”
Some people don’t feel comfortable nudging their guests to come or feeling that an invitation is enough. Anyone who cares to come, will come from one invitation. Just because the hosts don’t excel at PR, it doesn’t mean that they don’t deserve that people should show up at their simcha. Is it only to simchas where the hosts are savvy at promoting themselves that we attend? Are the hosts meant to remind and beg you to come in order for you to show up?! Have we lost our sense of loyalty and integrity??

“I was invited out of courtesy, they’re not really expecting me to come.”
In a few cases,  that is true. It’s your judgment call. You know best the nature of your relationship with that person. Most of the time though, that is not the case. If someone invites you to their simcha, it means that they are looking forward to you coming.

“I’m not a party person/night person. I don’t go to simchas outside immediate family and very close friends.”
Attending simchas has nothing to do with being a ‘party person’ or being a ‘night person’. Just because you coined the phrase, ‘I don’t go to simchas’ does not mean that you are now exempt.

“I’ll go, but will stay for a few minutes or I’ll come at the end.”
In some cases, that’s fine. But more often than not, people expect and appreciate when you stay longer than 5 minutes and come while the simcha is still going on and are part of their simcha. 

“I have no one to sit with/am not interested in socializing.”
Make up beforehand with a mutual friend or colleague to sit together. If that doesn’t work, swallow it and go anyway, even for a short time. It’s beautiful for the בעל השמחה to see her friends and colleagues sitting together.

“I like going to elegant, well-attended affairs. I know that this affair will be more simple  and small, why should I bother going?”
Since when do we attend simchas based on how fancy or high profile it will be?? Is it the affair we are going to just to be on the scene, to be seen and see who else is there?? It’s irrelevant of how well-connected or fancy they are or are not. We go in order to rejoice with our family, friends and acquaintances who made it a point to invite us. Your presence at a smaller, simpler affair makes a bigger difference. Quite often, the ‘plain’ affairs are nicer and more enjoyable than we expect them to be.

“They have a big family and don’t need me. It won’t make a difference whether I come or not.”
You can’t base your decision not to come on the premise that there will be a lot of people just because it’s a ‘big’ family. A big family doesn’t necessarily mean there will be a lot of people there. Some ‘big’ families are not as big as you think, and some are. There’s all different types of families and family dynamics and not every family member will show up. I’ve gone to simchas of ‘big’ families where somehow there was a relatively poor turnout and then to simchas of smaller families where there was a better turnout. 

“I live in CH and am inundated with so many invitations. I can’t go to every simcha.”
In most cases, with the exception of those very well-connected people, that statement is so overused. Even if you get invited to many simchas, it’s not every day that you have a simcha, aside from some pockets of time that are busier than others. And what does ‘every’ simcha mean? Every simcha in its own right is a special occasion for the בעל השמחה, and she invited you to celebrate with her. 

“It’s ‘only’ a bar mitzvah, it’s ok if I don’t come.”
On the contrary, because a bar mitzvah is looked at differently by nature, every person’s presence is more noticed. It’s a personal type of a simcha. We’re celebrating a very excited boy who has been preparing for this joyous occasion for a long time, and you were invited to join. Seeing an empty table or 2, sometimes even 3, at a bar mitzvah is so disheartening. Not because the parents miscalculated numbers, but because people who were expected to show up, didn’t show up!

“I already attended another simcha of theirs recently, it’s ok if I don’t go to this one.”
Why is that even a reason to not attend this simcha?? Each simcha is exclusive and unique.

“She didn’t come to my simcha, why should I go to hers?”
You should go because that’s the right thing to do. Unless she had a valid reason, she should, no doubt, have come to your simcha. If it often happens that she doesn’t show up to your simchas, but you show up to hers, that’s a questionable relationship. Attending each other’s simchas reflects loyalty, big time!

“I didn’t (but could’ve) attended the simcha. It’s ok, I’ll Iyh attend their next simcha.”
That’s wonderful. But this simcha will never happen again. You can’t turn back the clock. 

Attending simchas out of town

If you’re invited to a simcha out of town, where you have to fly or drive a longer distance, if it’s close family or a very close friend, it’s important to put in the effort to participate in the simcha. 

Etiquette for attending simchas:

When you arrive at the simcha, seek out the Baal simcha and wish them Mazel tov. Go over to all the family members you know and wish each Mazel tov too. If you arrived during the dancing, join the circle. If you arrive while everyone is sitting down, have a seat at a table and eat something. Don’t think that you’re being kind and sensitive to the hosts by not eating.

On the contrary, they’re happy when you honor their simcha by sitting down and partaking in the seuda. The food is paid for regardless, and so much food ends up getting thrown out. When you’re ready to leave, wish Mazel tov to the baal simcha again.

Tell them how much you enjoyed the event, and mention something that you thought was nice, such as the music, food, decor or the warm atmosphere. It will make the host, feel so good that someone noticed and appreciated their efforts.

We should always be able to celebrate simchas with happy hearts.