By Mendel
Hi, I’m 29 and I’ve been happily married for 5 years. Unfortunately, many of my friends and acquaintances are not.
The longer life goes on, the more they tell me they see no point in striving, accomplishing, and not just going on autopilot. Many have said that when you come home at night to the same roommates or an empty apartment, there is no drive or reason for the hustle of life.
I bet marriage can’t solve everyone’s problems, but I believe it can help a lot of them.
These guys are genuine, non-narcissistic gentlemen. Many of them are led to believe they are the problem. I’m sure everyone has something to work on, but sometimes you just haven’t met the right person yet (as a recent op-ed pointed out).
This leads me to the chap (catch for those who don’t know Yiddish).
Each shadchan in their own oilam has their list of names they have been recycling to the same people for years, again and again. So what if shadchanim from different communities began talking and comparing notes?
A 35-year-old guy from Crown Heights may have gone to many Friday night meals with girls in Crown Heights. He sees no end in sight. But he doesn’t know any/many of the girls doing the same Friday night meals in Flatbush, vechulu.
This is not necessarily for the guys and girls under 27–28 (arbitrary), but at a certain point I’m sure they just want to meet the right person and they don’t care if they read the Torah with a tof or sof.
I think we need to realize that our crowds are not so different. The guys are all going to Touro or working in cash advance, real estate, or Amazon. The girls are all speech, occupational, you name it—therapists. They all have the crazy, funny aunt. The non-religious sibling (sadly). The overzealous father (or mother).You may argue: many of our girls/guys will become more Sefardi than Chabad. To which I reply: so what?!
Someone who is 30 or older can make their own decisions. Maybe they will become a mix of both, like my lovely brother and sister-in-law (he married a Sefardic girl from Flatbush and they are great).
Maybe she will takkeh become Sefardi and raise many generations of kids who wear a tallit before marriage. Maybe he will put on a kapota. Is it better to remain single?
Good luck to me and Godspeed. Join me on this endeavor. Would love to hear all your ideas.
You can send to [email protected]
Before running to Flatbush, there are plenty of people that are “out of the circle” right here in Crown Heights.
Rejected for their last name, not enough money, family style etc etc.
You can broaden your circle and meet someone new right here.
A bochur came up for a friend of mine, and the family reached out to their (well known, outside of ch) shadchan to see if my friend was interested. Instead of reaching out to my friend, the shadchan told the family that they could do better then my friend as she isn’t gehze.
They are both still single 3 years later.
If you know the two people, please suggest it to them. And may Hashem bless you for your efforts.
Oh, they’re aware, but at this point they don’t even care to try given the negative feelings they now have for each other because one person took a turn playing G-d.
So the Shadchan is stopping a potential Shidduch! Instead of being a voice of reason.
I remember someone suggested a boy for my daughter . I suggested it to an older narrow minded Shadchan and she said they will never go your family basically not gezhe.
Everyone get over themselves .
These kids are all going through the same system.
Yes there a things to take in to consideration about the family not please you could be passing on a perfect suggestion for your child that doesn’t care about gezhe.
https://chafetzchayim.org/wp-content/single/SeferGederOlam_2020-07-01_03-36-49/SeferGederOlam_2020-07-01_03-36-49.html
This idea already had it time on here
Time for a new idea
Love this. Not sure I agree with all the details, but so cute how you describe we’re all the same. You have a great attitude and great sense of humor.
Chabad need to really examine internally the fear of Sefaradim and GET OVER IT. The food is better by them anyway.
Maybe we need to get over our obsessions with generalisations;) .
I come from a big chabad family with much yichus on both sides ( I find this distasteful to flaunt but to make my point,) and 5/6 of us are married to someone with either one or both sfardi chabad parents.
Know lots of others like this too.
not sure why you are specifically pointing out Lubavitchers from a sefardic background,
a Lubavitcher is a Lubavitcher and within that one can try to look for someone that is the best match possible, and each person will focus on different things
I’m ashkenazi, but my sephardi friend said i have a sephardi neshama. I’m thrilled!!!
As an older Chabad male single, I have made extensive efforts to date outside Crown Heights/Lubavitch. Unfortunately, it’s usually the modern or Carlbachy/flakey girls who are open to the idea. The Frum Tznius Ehrlich girls from other communities are not open to Lubavitchers.
I dated a Yoily guy. It was the same problem as with the lubavitch guys, he was just totally not shayach. Wasn’t the right type, didn’t help that he was from a diff community. I find the Shadchanim don’t understand my personality and needs and don’t suggest right ideas … sigh!! But worth a try from time to time
Sounds like ‘personal experience’ and ‘and as a girl’ might not be a bad idea for each other. Sounds like you’ve been through simular things. Yall should swap resumes
no.
Ahahah love this. “Shidduch made thro COL article about shidduchim comments”
However, I myself was single for many years, it’s easier said then done. When your in the thick of it, your not thinking outside the box, it’s hard to convince yourself it’s better not to be single and look at options in Flatbush like you say.
Just be open to hashems help and it will come.
1.You are married for 5 years BH, why cant married friends think about their own? Why when they get married they forget their singles friends? From a shidduch perspective, from attending lchaim and wedding etc… why? 2. Shatchanim have been comparing notes and resumes for the last at least 10 years. So if you are 5 years married you wouldnt know that it has been already going on. 3. Lastly you are suggesting boys should look into sfardim etc… it’s called being more open minded which in chabad is literally not done. Not for the life of you can you… Read more »
and if anyone actually believes that you better all just go do teshuva now you evil wicked ones and change your disgusting belief systems
you’re literally proving the point about sephardim
“At 30 or 33 a bochur”.. is a man.
“A 33 or 36 year old girl”.. is a woman.
Yes, some are recycling the same lists… but more often than not, some are blocking you from certain names because they ‘the power shadchan or power shidduch group’ already put you in a certain category: (too old, too lame, not trendy enough, too trendy, not smart, too smart, not tall, too tall, not rich enough, not pretty enough, too frum, not enough frum, etc etc and so it goes…) We need to examine the over-the-top power certain shadchanim wield in our community. Some names are never suggested because someone ‘up there’ (not G-d, mind you, but they may think they… Read more »
The shadchanim are controlling the system – deciding who to set up with who.
It’s extremely disgusting the way some of them do things.
It’s SUCH a time consuming job and they have a delicate balance. There are many who will risk offending a gezH mom by mentioning yet another wonderful single who doesn’t have that official yichus but grew up in the exact same system, ( beyond rice or not on Pesach) REALLY Lubavitch— same schools, camps, jobs, volunteering etc. And often one of these not gezH, children of BTs etc. have been very helpful to a floundering member, or helping prevent floundering, of many of the GezHs’ family members, helping save their yiddishkeit (when working in schools, camps and “just” being good… Read more »
There is a huge shortage of shadchanim already, and yet every time there’s an article about marriage people pile up and attack the only ones that are actually trying to help, how is that going to attract more desperately needed Shadchanim?
That’s just the stupid as saying that the Jews control the weather
That’s a shockingly shallow way to say “they’re the same as you.”
Maybe explain how their values system is similar to Lubavitch??? Not just whether or not they work as a therapist or use rice on Pesach!
Anyone with a shred of maturity does not care about the similarities in their schooling or attire, it’s the deeper values and plans for building a life, building a home, and raising children that matters.
Seriously. I’d rather raise a beautiful frum family and eat rice, which isn’t chometz, or just dont eat the rice
Most sefardim don’t eat rice on pesach and Chabad that are also Sefardi most definitely usually don’t.
The OP is stuck using these shallow comparisons because since gimmul tamuz, Lubavitch values have become so diverse it’s impossible to nail down. Ask 10 Lubavitchers to describe their value system and you’ll get 10 completely different (and sometimes opposing) answers.
But I don’t think that’s the issue or solution. We don’t have a shortage of local singles. There are many singles in Crown Heights alone who are not being introduced to each other. This is the real issue. Are Shadchanim holding them back? Afraid to suggest Gezhe to BT? Ashkenazi to Sefardi? Are parents getting in the way?
While I appreciate what they do, there’s too many of us for the amount of volunteer shadchanim. They’re busy with their families and we sit alone.
That Judaism is a middle eastern religion. Lubavitch only exists because of dispersion and dare i say even conversion in and and conversion out. Not to mention how many Lubavitchers have dark very “Sefardic” features. It’s well past time.to do away with this mentality of keeping it “pure” Ashkenazy when that doesn’t exist in the first place. How dare preach Ahavat Yisrael yet at the same time look down noses upon Sefardim.
the origins of the chassidic movement and the people who the Baal Shem Tov wanted to draw near, and their status in society.
Right here amongst us.
If we’re chabad, we all have the same minhagim anyway.
Is the other way around
Sefardim are sort of saying “pure” more than ashkenazim
In other sects they are not careful about OUD and hold of different customs in regard to kashrus and yomim tovim?
Blend your minhagim. Compromise. Cholov yisrael is so easy today. Look for solutions
In advance or firsts meeting
Btw, that on the list of least of concerns when you look at the bigger picture
talk about it advance or on the 4th date. But not the first dates! That’s time to just meet and get to know each other
About differences in kashrus standards. Speaking from experience. It is something to be warned about.
Though there have been marriages that have worked out where people have different backgrounds and minhagim and this is a very good solution to suggest
“Rejected for their last name, not enough money, family style etc etc.” — Yes, this is one of the problems!^^^ Just because the parents have a certain family style doesn’t mean their children are the same way. In fact, a lot of singles want a different family style than what their parents have! If parents of singles are looking for “status shidduchim” that feed THEIR egos, they have to stop. They need to focus on what’s best for their children. If the family style seems different than yours, scratch the surface and see what’s underneath: are they good, kind, peace-loving… Read more »
Your soulmate is someone’s rejected date! What you appreciate in your spouse someone else will have missed. What you didn’t appreciate in a date, someone will find endearing
Lashon hara motzi shem ra etc Halacha!
Would be nice if these halachos will be more taught about like they do in other circles
This is a courageous idea. It takes vision to suggest stepping outside our comfort zones, and to remind us that at the core of Jewish life is the mitzvah of building a bayis ne’eman b’Yisrael—establishing a family and bringing children into the world. Somewhere along the way, many of us may have become caught up in the smaller distinctions—what Freud might call the “narcissism of small differences.” Whether someone pronounces a sof as a tof, whether the minhagim are Sefardi or Chabad—these are details. Precious details, yes, but still details. The foundation is creating continuity, love, and a future for… Read more »
a tof anyway 😉 then you’ll know who was right about that.
My friend, As someone who married a sephardic Chabad family with many non Lubavitch relatives I will tell you the following I observed. 1- We have many wonderful Chabad sephardic families that are fully integrated in chabad so why would we take from Flatbush? 2- Most girls that grew up in an environment of people being clean shaven will not appreciate someone with a beard. 3- Unless one is syrian etc many of the sephardim in Flatbush go to Chaim Berlin etc and follow their Ideology. How about we STOP judging our own and being OPEN to names within our… Read more »
idf, to america, for shidduchim, today. then they can escape the draft and get married here!
You might want to go visit there you’ll find plenty
thanks
those deemed superior by the Torah in terms of who they can and can’t marry. Like the kohen tribe.
In a kosher way, It can be done. Beer Shabbos does it. So refined, so thought out.
pls tell me more ! wow i want to hear !!
Yes, the times are calling for it. Many of you remember us as 2 full time shadchonim who made many, many shiduchim. But the scene is much different now. BH, the oilom grew substantially. While we give thanks and credit to the hard working shadchanim, it is not possible to properly handle the great need for shiduchim. While the internet’s system time has arrived, it can be helpful to some, and bewidering to most. For those that need it, it’s time to make events where shiduch minded singles can meet and mingle, in a thought out Kosher way. Let them… Read more »
I like this idea. How can we set this up in CH?
As a shadchan, see that you look at the bachelor/ete like your own kids an advocate for them!
Isn’t it obvious? Well a reminder is needed, sometimes at least..
when I went thru the list of Shadchanim most said they do not do anything anymore….or they were honest and said they are just on the list for their own children….if you do do why not put yourself out there..I have older singles in my Shul is there anyone doing anything????? I have married off all my children and now looking to help other people I know…to stick out your neck you can get hurt but who are you if you do not….no good deed goes unpunished…
It’s good that you want to be involved
I was pointing out that shadchanim should treat every single with the same regard effort and advocacy as they would with their own kid. And not just like a mentally side thing or just a second third job
Sometimes doing one small thing helps in the long term, even if not being involved like a full fledge-full time shadchan, and that is also great! But even then, showing care like your own is key
Our community is epic when they read a article on shidduchim, everyone goes wild:)
Do you understand that Chabad are Jews…some people do not get it…but that is OK…now that I hope you got over that no one seems to want to listen to the Rebbe…yeah…the Rebbe said to go to a Rov….wow how about that…I did and married off all my children to wonderful people….So if you are smarter then me and the rest of the planet all the best to you and I will pray for your Children…because Prayer works….stay safe and try to work together…for good things….and I Bless you all for a Great Safe Wonderful New Year….
Many people in Chabad are not from known families…
There is the famous story of the Alter Rebbe where a teacher came to the Rebbe and said he works out of town and no one knows him…The Rebbe said one of my Sons will marry one of your daughters and then I do not think you will have any problems…I come from the Bronx…I lost most of my family as a small child…I listen to the Rebbe and my Rov and I did marry into a know family….why not try something new listen to the Rebbe advice…..at this point what do you have to lose?????
Rabbi Yossi Paltiel promotes this idea of “intermarriage.” It’s not a mitzvah to marry the most chassidish guy/girl out there. It’s a mitzvah to get married. Period. The most important thing is that there’s a Jewish husband and a Jewish wife who like each other and will build a family together. Yes, hashkafa is important, but as long as there’s enough common ground to stand on, it doesn’t have to match perfectly. What really matters is if he/she is Yiras Shamayim. And now that Chassidus has penetrated every single Torah community (whether they realize or not), chances are most non-Lubavitchers… Read more »
I disagree with “intermarriage”,exciting in the begining,lifelong problems in the end. Harsh reality but its the truth.
What about speed dating every now and then, but run in a really tznius manner by those who can. Also, it’s not for everyone but probably for many in our times.
You need to have loose values and open minded to changing your minhagim. If you have standards of minhagim and will have to lower it to appease the person than it won’t work. In a marraige,each spouse doing their own thing is not possible. Hashgacha with food,going to shul on shabbos are examples
Dear singles ,you need to make yourselves known and seen. And we need more of a community where people get to know and see each other more. That way unofficial shadchanim can get couples together faster.
My daughter is absolutely wonderful, kind pretty capable intelligent .
She will make a wonderful partner .
Thing is we are not a name, mothers outright say no we only want gezhe on both sides.
Maybe my daughter would be really good for your son….. how many shidduchim are discounted for such reasons.
How long is this going to go on for . Our kids are all the same go to the same schools get over it