When Husband Can’t Afford A Wig

All weddings are happy and most marriages start out good. The man and woman are both fine, intelligent people; they experience each other as soul mates and get along nicely. At some point, though, they find themselves angry and fighting much of the time. They don’t understand what went wrong. They are both the same people they used to be. Nothing catastrophic has happened to destroy their relationship. They are both liked and respected by people in the community. They can’t fathom why their partner continues to treat them in ways they don’t like. “Maybe we weren’t really bashert,” they begin to think.

“Fortunately,” writes Izzy Kalman in the Tishrei issue of the N’shei Chabad Newsletter (nsheichabadnewsletter.com), “such couples can be easy to help. These are the ‘good marriages’ I am addressing in this article.”

Wait a minute… Izzy Kalman? Isn’t he the anti-bullying guy that keeps appearing in the pages of the N’shei Chabad Newsletter? Yes, and he usually works in schools or with victims of bullying, but he also has some wisdom to share when it comes to marriage. And because he’s Izzy Kalman, it’s never preachy and it’s never boring; in fact—as always—he teaches through role-play. Here’s an excerpt:

Situation #1: Wife complains that her husband doesn’t make enough money

First, the nefesh habehamis way:

Wife: I need money for a new sheitel.

Husband: A new sheitel! How can we afford a new sheitel? You know how much a sheitel costs!

Wife: Of course I know what a sheitel costs! I was going to buy one today, but our credit cards are all maxed out!

Husband: So stop spending so much money!

Wife: I don’t spend a lot of money! I buy everything on sale but there still isn’t enough money! Why don’t you work harder?

Husband: I work very hard!

Wife: Well, my friends all got new sheitels in the past year! Mine is falling apart! Why can’t you make as much money as their husbands?

Husband: How do you know I don’t! Maybe you just spend more than your friends!

Wife: I don’t buy things we don’t need! You’re just blaming me because you’re not ambitious, like my friends’ husbands!

Husband: Don’t compare me to other men! I work much harder than they do! You have no idea!

Wife: Yes, I do! I see the proof in the bank!

Now we’ll have the husband respond the nefesh haElokis way:

Wife: I need money for a new sheitel.

Husband: You need a new sheitel?

Wife: Haven’t you noticed? Even my good one is falling apart and I’m getting embarrassed to wear it.

Husband: I wish we could get you a new sheitel. Can we afford one?

Wife: I wanted to buy one today, but it turns out our credit cards are all maxed out.

Husband: Is our financial situation that bad?

Wife: Yes.

Husband: I had no idea. You know, my paycheck just goes into the bank and you take care of the bills. I know you are careful to buy on sale. I didn’t realize we were falling so behind.

Wife: I try not to complain. But it’s getting tough. Why don’t you work harder?

Husband: I wish I could make money by just working harder. But I get the same salary regardless of how much energy I spend. I don’t know what to do.

Wife: My friends’ husbands all seem to make enough money to buy them new sheitels.

Husband: How do they manage it?

Wife: Maybe it’s because they have better professions. Some of them are doctors and lawyers. One of them is an accountant, and believe it or not, he makes the most money of all!

Husband: Maybe I shouldn’t have chosen to work in chinuch.

Wife: Well, I don’t know about that. The truth is you are a great teacher, and maybe money isn’t the most important thing in life.

Husband: No, it’s never been all that important to me. But I never imagined I wouldn’t be able to afford to buy you a new sheitel when you need one.

Wife: Sheitel, shmeitel! I am so lucky I married a wonderful man like you.

Husband: And I am so lucky I had the zchus to get a wife like you! I must have done something right in a previous gilgul!

Wife: No, you deserve it for being a tzadik in this gilgul! But I still do need a new sheitel. I’m embarrassed to be seen in public this way.

Husband: Then we have to figure out where to get the money.

Also in the Tishrei issue (subscribe now at nsheichabadnewsletter.com, or pick it up in Crown Heights stores before Rosh Hashanah), we are treated to some life lessons from Rochel Goldberg nee Snyder, who passed away at the young age of 32 shortly after giving birth to her fifth child. Besides sharing memories by Rochel’s parents, friends and family, the article includes an essay that Rochel herself wrote about when things went wrong at a N’shei event that she worked on and what she learned from that difficult experience.

Throughout her illness, Rochel refused to compromise on tznius or on Chitas, two inyanim that she was careful with her entire life. She would never go to sleep without finishing Chitas. When she needed to be placed into a medically-induced coma, this was her worry—that she would fall behind in her Chitas. She agreed to be put to sleep only when her sister-in-law, Rivkah (Engel) Goldberg, promised she would say Chitas for her every day, which she continues to do.

Rochel was also deeply concerned that if she were placed in a coma, her hair would become uncovered and her tznius would not be guarded. On her insistence, medical staff assured her in advance that her hair would be kept covered throughout. Even to go from her room for an MRI or other procedure and then straight back to her room, she would put on a sheitel.

Rochel would say, “There must be a good reason I’m in the hospital. This is my shlichus now.” And so she would speak about Hashem and His mitzvos to the doctors, nurses, orderlies, and even the cleaners who entered her room to do their work. She had a pushke in her room and would hand out coins to everyone, asking them to give tzedakah. Once a doctor walked in and said to Rochel, “Don’t worry, this time I brought my own coins.”

One of the physicians who treated Rochel, Dr. Lindsay Schroder, told her, “Now I know why I went into medicine—so I could meet you and become inspired by you.” Rochel showed many people in the hospital the high level a human being can attain when truly connected with Hashem.

Rochel didn’t speak badly of others because with an iron strength that belied her tiny size she managed to look at the positive part of the person and respect the person for the good in them. Even when someone really wronged her to the point where Rochel was in tears, she would not, did not, react in anger or speak badly about that person; she forgave even without being asked for forgiveness…

In the record-breaking 18th installment of “Tzippy Remembers When…” by the indefatigable Tzippy Clapman, we read about death. Since it is an unavoidable part of life, we might as well talk about it… like most difficult topics, it only makes it harder when we don’t talk about it. Here are some excerpts of her article, which concludes with some well-chosen true stories showing the Rebbe guiding people as they try to deal with death.

…As a small child the subject of death was very frightening to me. It was such a shocking thought that a person is here one day and gone the next. Whenever there was a death in our extended family, a combination of fear and sadness rippled through me. Could this happen to my immediate family? Could it happen to me?

As we get older we start looking for possible reasons that it could not ever happen to us. The person who died was probably very old, or had a disease that was not diagnosed or treated due to the person’s own laziness. The disease probably had warning signs that they totally ignored. They were not careful crossing the street, or they drove when they were overtired. Perhaps they did not watch their diet properly or they drank unfiltered water! This is the coping mechanism that helps us cope with death. We convince ourselves that we have control over it, because we’ll be smarter…

…My paternal grandparents, Bracha and Meir Ostrov, had a frequent guest named Reb Chaim, a peddler who was always on the road. He had no reason to ever go “home” since he had no family, as far as we knew. Whenever he landed in the East Side he would shlep his bundles of wares three flights up to my Bubby’s and Zaide’s house for Shabbos. He was a large man with a big appetite and my father’s parents offered him all the food he wanted. On the Shabbosos that he came, my bubby would take my father’s and his brother’s bed and give it to Reb Chaim, and my father and his brother would sleep with some of his other brothers in the unheated flat on the other side of the house.

One Shabbos morning, Reb Chaim did not appear from his bedroom to accompany my Zaide and his sons to shul. They assumed he had a very hard week and that he would eventually catch up or meet them at shul. But hours went by and he did not come out of his room, so my bubby became concerned and knocked on the door. When there was no answer, she went in to check on him. She was horrified to find Reb Chaim’s body lying lifeless in the bed.

After Shabbos my grandparents had to immediately take care of the inyan of meis mitzvah. As Reb Chaim had no wife or family, it was up to my grandparents to arrange for the funeral, buy the burial plot and bury him. There was no extra money for this expense, so without hesitation my grandparents took their silver kiddush bechers and my bubby’s diamond engagement ring to the pawn shop. They used the money they received for all Reb Chaim’s burial expenses…
…My parents wished us all Gut Yom Tov and kissed us, and went down to their apartment to sleep. In middle of the night I awoke to hear my mother scream. I ran downstairs to find my father in his bed, not breathing. I quickly woke my husband and my brother and we started CPR until Hatzolah arrived. They worked on him for over an hour, to no avail. That night we lost our precious father. Reb Yisroel ben Rabbi Meir Ostrov left our lives in the physical, but he is always present in our hearts and minds…

…During the week of shivah, my father came to me in a dream, which I remember vividly even today, 36 years later. He sat by my bed talking to me, his face glowing. I knew he had died, and I asked him if he was happy in heaven. He smiled and told me he was with his parents and he was with his very close friend Moshe, who had died suddenly a year before…

Read about the work of Zalman Myer-Smith, Director of Security for Lubavitch Educational Center in Miami and Chabad of Florida. As he writes in the upcoming Tishrei issue of the NCN, “Anti-Semitism is back in the headlines. Indeed, in some locales it has become fashionable once again. The Anti-Defamation League (ADL) in a recent report stated an almost 60% surge in incidents in 2017. Not only do Jewish communities face an ongoing increase in anti-Semitic behavior, we additionally have to prepare against the ever-looming threat of active shooters and terrorism…”

Find out about his work and what YOU can and should do to be safe and protect the people who trust you and depend on you. Subscribe now at nsheichabadnewsletter.com or pick up the Tishrei issue in fine Crown Heights stores before Rosh Hashanah.