“There’s nothing wrong with me.”
“There’s nothing wrong with me.”
“There’s nothing wrong with me.”
Herein within our very communities, there are souls that walk amongst us working each and every day to remind themselves of this.
Maybe they attend the same shuls and groceries as you and I, but without a plus one, or a fleet of gaggling children trailing behind them. Or perhaps one of these souls teaches at your daughter’s school, and you feel incredibly fortunate. Maybe she is a close friend, who grew up alongside you, sharing memories and experiences all throughout elementary, high school and
seminary, but Hashem had different plans for how your lives would progress past that.
ShidduchInfluencer.com, a passion project of Mrs. Yehudis Bluming, sprung up to be a source of support and advocacy for singles in the dating arena. This website operates as a
platform in which individuals can network for singles they know of, and be an active member in the singles’ research and networking journey. (To get involved, please visit shidduchinfluencer.com, or you can email Mrs. Bluming at [email protected])
In pursuit of spreading awareness about the journey of single men and women, ShidduchInfluencer teamed up with Moishe Chanin, Certified Life Coach and Addiction Recovery Coach, in an exclusive and one of a kind podcast episode. In this episode, Moishe interviews his sister, Chana’le Weiser, a talented, driven, and independent woman, who also happens to have been an “older” single.
Chana’le describes her journey within this arena- the pain, frustration, and uncertainty, as well as the pillars of strength she uncovered within herself along the way.
“There was a feeling I was meant to feel, and I cannot forsake that, I owe it to myself,” is one of the ways she illustrates her conviction in being loyal to her values in meeting the right person. “I know I deserve to know this feeling,” she firmly proclaims.
It is my belief that these souls are part of a unique category. Yes, they were not physically or externally “chosen” in the seemingly “timely” fashion. However, these souls ARE uniquely handpicked by Hashem Himself to be loved, cherished, and chosen for who they are, just as they are. There was never anything wrong, broken, or lesser than within any of these individuals.
This episode is empowering, emotional, and enlightening for our entire community, and it is our duty to be supportive of one another in the precise stages one may find themselves in.
We all know the difficult feeling.
Would she help her friends that are still waiting?
What is the purpose?
Not sure what the purpose is but as an older single this is very validating and it gives me hope. Thank you for sharing such personal and raw feelings, I know how vulnerable this is
Chanale has a voice that connects to the listener and that alone is priceless. Listening to someone else share such raw emotions can be healing.
As an older 30s single myself and having been told so many times in my 20s – you have to change and be part of the system. I tell myself thank G-d I’m “me be me.” Does it pay to lose me and end up divorced because I wasnt truthful to myself?does it pay to “get married” just for a fake title and be miserable because I’m not me? Does it pay to watch married couples spend raw nerves at eachother and say that could of been me but thank G-d I stayed me. Does it pay? Just for fortune… Read more »
People who identify their self and remain true to it, face a tough road amongst the many who just do as all do. It’s a brave lonely road to walk your own truth. Hopefully you, as some do, will find a like-minded and souled person who gets you and sees you as you are and love you, and you them.
Someone told me this ten years ago and I was willing to take that upon myself but not lose me. I was thrilled when I made that decision because I saw first hand a women whom got married and either are not “part of the family “/ excommunicated and the husband supports “his family ” so the loneliness was loaded or another women whom shes part of the system but no one wants to deal with her because of so many issues that she stocked up since she became part of the system and the loneliness is loaded. At least… Read more »
Thanks for sharing! Very validating for older singles to see that they’re not the only ones going through this.
That was so meaningful chanale Hashem should bentch you with all the brochos .
Why the podcast? I don’t know ..yet it’s not hard to imagine Cause people DONT really FEEL or see this pain nor crises We haven’t begin to touch the tip of the iceberg of how large this issue is ..and how deeply it affects Why Has there not been ONE public Asifa on this issue? Any involvement from the Rabbonim to assist this issue? What have Beis Rivka or Ohelei Torah done to care for THEIR alumni for this issue? Sadly ..it’s because the older singles while don’t want our pity..they need our action to help them towards their dreams Devorah… Read more »
Although Chanale says she doesn’t like to be in the spotlight, she speaks so eloquently, articulately, and with a beautiful sense of vulnerability. Her voice should be heard. May her strength be a blessing for all.
No interest in getting trapped in a bad marriage. Been made fun of and pressured by friends for years to settle down, told I have problems bc I don’t want marriage, but i’m proud to be living my truth. When others put you down, it’s usually bc they themselves feel shame. Stay strong, singles. Never compromise.
A friend once pointed out all my emotional/internal flaws and told me how I would never amount to anything due to my unwillingness to get married. Totally messed me up and made me feel terrible about myself for years. But im so glad I never settled and i have never felt more certain of my choices and independence. And that friend is still single and desperate so.
A girl did this to me too! Why are women in this community so mean to each other? If there are any open minded, nonjudgmental, kind women in CH then please make yourselves known! Seeking new friends
in every community there are all kinds, some people may not realize they are being hurtful and its important to let them know
different cultures have different norms of what is socially acceptable to say
It’s required that even mussar is given over in a kind and understanding way. A frum community should not have people talking down to one another and shaming others for their life choices. It’s not socially or halachicly acceptable.
Ty chanale for sharing! I love the part about the validation in trusting yourself.
I don’t need to be reminded that I’m just as good as everyone else and that my single status doesn’t make me broken. Why would I? Being single or married doesn’t mean anything. It’s not a degree or a promotion or a nobel peace prize, it’s just a relationship status. Being married isn’t something you won or earned, it’s just something that happened to you. I feel complete as a single because I am a person just like everyone else; and we all deserve to feel whole on our own. No one needs another person to complete them, and if… Read more »
Your spouse iyh will be the other half of your Neshama…
1 = me
I am not 1/2, a man is not 1/2. I am 1 and he is 1 and we are all as individuals 1.
1 = me
I’m single as well in my 30s Lessons I’ve learnt from my experience in Shidduchim: no particular order 1.Fliter ppls comments!!! Don’t take anything too seriously!! Some ppl make crazy comments or treat you differently…those ppl don’t know the challenges Bec they never had to deal with it themselves! There is nothing wrong with you!! 2. You are not in control!! Hashem runs the world! Everything happens by Hashgocha Protis! Don’t cry! Hashem is doing what’s best for u!! Don’t listen to those who say you could’ve and you should’ve etc! Just know Hashem will send you the right one!!… Read more »
Couldn’t have said it better myself.
It sounds like you have a really good approach to it all
Kol Hakavod
Everyone should have everything they need
Moshaich Now!
Chanale, thank you for sharing your personal journey to help strengthen others. Your honesty and sharing how validated you felt when you knew your husband was the right one for you is very validating for others who may also be second guessing themselves, on their own, and from input of others. The comment that you just had that feeling when it was right, is so important for others to hear. I want to comment also on the wise guidance of your mashpia whom you said told you to trust yourself. This advice would be very beneficial for others in the… Read more »
As a single hearing your experience and clarity is really comforting.
Thank you for being so brave to do this.
I’m thrilled for all the singles that have settled into their role as a single. They are continuing to be active and productive members of society, and why not? Marriage does not define your value.
I think the women that are hoping to be married and start a family are in pain though. It is painful to face rejection, and isolation from friends who have “moved on”
Davening that everyone finds their match very soon
It’s not as clear cut as women who have settled into single hood vs women who want to get married and have a family. You’re making it sound very black and white. Many women who may be trying to embrace what single hood has to offer may also want to settle down, get married and have a family. Women embracing their single hood may be in pain. It’s just that they’re not going to wallow in it, and take the opportunities that being single offers (traveling etc). It’s not fair to decide who is and isn’t in pain.
. . . that all marry their intended shidduch in Hashem’s perfect time! I am part of a Tehillim-for-Shidduchim group all of whom say a Yom Tehillim every Shabbos. After the head of the group says her Tehillim, she then says all the full Hebrew names of the people looking for their shidduch along with the below mi sheberach in Hebrew. Some people are on there for themselves, others have their children on there. It’s so wonderful when people come off the list Boruch Hashem! MI SHEBERACH FOR FINDNG ONE’S MATE May He Who blessed our forefathers Avraham, Yitzchak, and… Read more »
I hope most singles don’t have to go around reminding themselves of this. As a single in my 30s, I’m eternally thankful that I’m not weighed down by an immature uneducated, husband or a 17 passenger stroller full of screaming children. Of course there is nothing wrong with me. Some frum women get married and have kids, some frum women focus on their careers, some frum women do both. Some frum women want ten children, some frum women want no children. All frum women have value. There is nothing wrong with you for wanting what you want and for being… Read more »
frum and some of the values you mentionbecause “frum” means to live your life by what the Hashem guides us to do, not necessarily what is easier
and you only need one person to marry,the right one for you
and no reason to belittle others in expressing what you want to write
I serve Hashem best as a single, independent person. I can fulfill every miztvah just as well as a married person. My kavanah and z’rizus are not dependent on my marital status.
“Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry.” – Gloria Steinem
Looking for a smart, educated, kind, humble, liberal person to spend my life with… and I found her in myself.
And overly tinted with liberal thoughts.
Gloria Steinem is anything but sad, she’s my hero.
I hope you find inner peace and learn to love yourself too.
I’m very familiar with Gloria S’s work
I believe she made room for marriage in her life and was widowed 3 years later.
Nothing wrong with staying single if tickles your fancy. But nothing wrong with wanting marriage for those who desire that.
Like keeping Shabbos …Marriage is a foundational Mitzvah
We all must strive towards it…When it will happen is in HIS hands ..
Loving oneself does not mean that you are complete.
There is nothing greater than building a Jewish home which you can’t do alone.
There are countless things greater than building a Jewish home if those are the things that call to you. If building a Jewish home doesn’t fulfill your dream, don’t do it.
You know, Chazal tell us “I was created to serve my Creator,” not “I was created to fulfill my dreams.” And if those two are in conflict, why then you need to work on making your dreams align with serving Hashem according to His Will, not the other way around.
Imagine a world where women are not made to feel small or less than because of their relationship status. If only education on female empowerment started in the schools. Young girls through older women need to be learning our rights and our history. Look to our leaders and singles in your 30s will know you’re not alone! These women have changed the world and you can too, single or married. Kamala Harris, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Jacinda Ardern, Hilary Clinton, AOC, Malala.
There are very successful strong single girls in their thirties in Crown heights that are looked up to and making a difference. And going ‘mechayil el chayil’
But they still want to get married
One doesn’t cross over the threshold from girl to woman by standing under the Chuppah. Being a certain age and taking on responsibilities such as working, independently providing for oneself should qualify one to be called a woman. It’s disrespectful to keep calling adult women “girls” as if they are in grade school with other elementary school girls.
Whoever wrote this comment either doesn’t care or is truly uneducated how a dignified role model looks like for our daughters.
Is Hilary Clinton seriously the best role model you can think of for our precious holy daughters??
Hashem Yishmor!
She’s educated and dignified, she continues to help millions of women in this country and beyond, she stands up for justice and the rule of law
So “dignified” that he had to drink herself into a stupor when she lost in 2016.
Clearly by mentioning some of the woman above ..they’re aspirations are not Jewish ..
Thank you for giving space and a voice for this deep pain and darkness
I am single, and I cried both tears of sadness and tears of happiness listening to your story
Mazal Tov, I am so so happy for you 💜
What if we dropped the stigma around being single? We could treat women as human beings instead of a mere attachment of a man, almost as if we’re not property.
But in many cases, that doesn’t help.
Even if everyone viewed the single woman as a full worthy normal human, the single woman herself feels incomplete. Lo tov heyos haadam levado. She can have all the accomplishments and all the self-acceptance and self-love in the world, but her heart feels kind of empty, as does her life. She has so much love and nurture to give, and can’t express it in the normal healthy way. This is between her and Hashem. There is no need to blame society for this difficult fact, she craves marriage and home-building.
Single women do not feel incomplete, we have been told by society that we should feel incomplete. There’s a big difference.
It is a healthy and normal feeling for single women to feel incomplete while searching for our soul mates. That’s the way Gd programmed us and it’s not a chisaron!
are we not complex individuals with bechira and sechel? feeling incomplete is valid, but filling that hole with another person is not the answer
…is to use those to find the right spouse.
it’s to make the world a better place for everyone and to bring moshiach
…is by marrying and raising good Jewish families.
Women are no more naturally nurturing than men. Not all women crave marriage and home-building. Generalizing like that is sexist and chauvinistic.
the essence of marriage for a woman is not about her as a woman being nothing unless she is “attached” to a male…
it is the other half, completing each other’s souls
and together they build a home for Hashem, themselves, Am Yisroel and brinh holiness and joy into this world and continue Am Yisroel
There is just as much stigma on men to get married in the frum community. I question how much the feminist commenters here really understand about the community.
This resonated with me in my wait to be blessed with children. It also reminded me of what my single friends are going through. You should be bentched
This is so validating and encouraging! Thank you for humbly putting yourself out there to be a voice for so many of us going through this challenge.
Did anyone read My Story: recently How someone coming to the rebbe at the request of rabbi Moshe Weber from Jerusalem to assist a particular individual finding a match bashet turns to this individual and says that Bocher is looking that everything Perfect and that’s almost doesn’t exist.
this situation for older singles is not about perfection. Lots of older singles are constantly pressured to give in and not be picky. The story of The Rebbe can apply for certain individuals but for the majority thats not why were single!
As a single in my mid 20s, this was so helpful and validating to listen to.
I found myself nodding along as I connected with so many of the emotions she felt.
Thank you and please please if more podcasts like this would come out it would be the biggest help for us singles still going through this struggle every day.
Thank you for opening yourself and being vulnerable, it has been a huge help!
Here we go. This list, that list, this box, that box. Only HaShem is the true judge. How can you speak for someone else’s feelings and pain..how can you think you can validate a parents pain too seeing their single child in pain. Please be careful with your comments as they are soooo hurtful. “I didn’t ask you to judge my child” ” I don’t remember asking you to help me, not say whether my child is ready or not”. You are not part of our family. It would be good to put the names from these “lists” into a… Read more »
I’ve noticed that in Crown Heights in particular (as opposed to Flatbush etc), older single girls don’t seem to get together that much or have events, programs, Friday nights. Nothing really cohesive, each seems to live her life without enough of a -meaningful – social outlet. Whatever is here mostly seems to be more for post seminary, early twenties and they age out pretty quickly. These projects will not discourage people from getting married but help them survive and thrive until they do.
I can’t stand when ppl try to give logical reasons as to why someone is going through a struggle. Hashem is running the world! Every detail of every microsecond!!! stop blaming singles that they need to do more! No one tells someone who is sick to take more chemo and no one tells someone who cant have children to try harder. Everyone who doesn’t believe that a single is single because thats where Hashem wants their Neshama to be right now is obviously missing some Chassidus in their lives. Go learn!