During Passover, when the pressures of preparations can bring out the worst in a couple, maintaining the essence of a Jewish home becomes crucial. Moreover, this home must retain its special holiness all year round. The Avner Institute presents the Rebbe’s advice to two couples – one undergoing spiritual and family challenges; the other facing financial and professional decisions – and his emphasis on love and harmony, commitment to Torah law, and mutual support.
In loving memory of Hadassah Lebovic A”h
“To show a living example”
By the Grace of G-d
1st Day of Chanukah 5725
Brooklyn, NY
Blessing and Greeting:
Your letter of October 23rd reached me with some delay. May G-d grant that the matters about which you write should be resolved in a satisfactory way. Needless to say, you and your husband, on your part, should do everything possible, in the natural order of things, to bring about this satisfactory development. One of the essential and first steps in this direction is to show a living example of what true Jewish life should be, by the daily conduct in accordance with the Torah and mitzvoth, which are a source of life and true happiness for the Jew.
It sometimes happens that the kind of problem about which you write results from the fact that the parents had not observed fully the laws and regulations of Taharas Hamishpacha [Family Purity]. Fortunately, repentance is effective, even retroactively. Therefore, you ought to try not only to rectify any shortcomings in this area, but also to spread and strengthen the observance of these laws, within the framework of the Jewish way of life as a whole, to the fullest extent of your influence. This will go a long way to bring about the hoped for results.
I suggest that your husband have his Tefillin checked, and that before putting them on every weekday morning, he put aside a small coin for tzedakah. No doubt you also know of, and observe, the good custom of putting aside a small coin for tzedakah before lighting the candles.
May G-d grant that you should have news to report, especially as we are now in the auspicious days of Chanukah. No doubt you know that Jewish women played an important role in bringing about the miracle of Chanukah through their dedicated adherence to the Jewish way of life in spite of all difficulties, and with real self-sacrifice. May these auspicious days of Chanukah bring you and yours a growing measure of light, both materially and spiritually.
With blessing,
[signature]
P.S. I need hardly emphasize that when I wrote in the beginning of the letter that the matters about which you write should be “resolved in a satisfactory way,” I plainly meant the absolute necessity to put an end to the matter of your daughter’s marriage to a non-Jew. As for details on how to bring this about, these depend on the character and disposition of your daughter, and on other factors, and you should therefore consult with friends who know her personally.
Needless to say, a mixed marriage, G-d forbid, is not at all, as you have been told, a matter which is detrimental or painful only to the parents of the couple concerned, but it is first and foremost one of the greatest tragedies that could possibly befall a Jewish girl (even if, because of being emotionally involved or for other reasons, she does not recognize this, or does not want to admit it). Your attitude toward this situation should be the same as if, G-d forbid, your daughter wished to commit suicide.
And this is not only from the religious viewpoint, but also from every viewpoint, since it is clear and a matter of general knowledge that when two persons of such different backgrounds are thrown together, there are bound to be endless frictions, disharmony, etc. The statistics, which only tell part of the story inasmuch as many frictions and broken homes are kept secret, certainly bear this out.
“A certain measure of independence”
By the Grace of G-d
5 Kislev 5729
Brooklyn, NY
Blessing and Greeting:
I duly received your letter postmarked November 20th, as well as your previous letter.
In reply to your correspondence, and pursuant to our conversation during your visit here, I want to reiterate that every person, in order to be able to express himself fully and be successful in his work, must have a certain measure of independence. This is particularly true in the case of a person whose main activity is intellectual and spiritual, especially in the field of research, where independence of thought and decision is a basic condition of the scientific approach. And inasmuch as a human being is a single entity, it is inevitable that inhibitions in one area are bound to have an effect on other areas of one’s activity.
The above does not imply that a wife should completely withhold her opinions or suggestions, which she considers it her duty to express to her husband. On the contrary, no person should withhold any idea that can be beneficial to any Jew, not to mention when it concerns the best interests of husband and wife, both of whom are like one entity. Nevertheless, you ought to leave your husband a considerable measure of independence in making final decisions. And knowing you and him, I am certain that the proper decisions will be made.
I am gratified to note from your writing that your husband has resumed his research in earnest, and may G-d grant that it be with much hatzlacha [success].
As for the question of taking time out as a consultant, etc., it is my opinion, as I mentioned in our conversation, that if this will not interfere with his research work, it would be all right. For, as I have emphasized, his essential work lies in the field of research, and it should have primary attention, all the more so since there has been a considerable interruption.
With regard to the question of stocks, my opinion is that they should not be sold if there would be a loss, G-d forbid. Otherwise stocks should be sold on the advice of an experienced broker at such time the broker thinks is right for the particular stock.
Generally speaking, I have no right to withhold my general opinion that it is not a good idea to invest in stocks the major part of one’s savings. In addition to the consideration that such an investment would be of questionable financial prudence, there is also the factor of the nervous strain that the stock market fluctuations cause to the investor. Also, because such a situation is completely independent of the investor’s intelligence and judgment, or at any rate, largely so.
Finally, the present day and age is full of unpredictable developments, and the market is highly sensitive to national and international events. In view of all this, those who ask my advice with regard to the stock market, my usual advice is to rather forgo a percentage of dividends, and invest in more secure and suitable investments.
I emphasize “those who ask my advice.” However, since you have not asked my advice, I will not say that you should necessarily act accordingly. May G-d grant that whatever you decide should be with hatzlacha to enjoy your parnosseh [livelihood], and to use your earnings on good, wholesome and happy things, especially in the advancement in matters of Yiddishkeit in general, and the Torah-true education of the children in particular, and that you and your husband should bring them up to a life of Torah, chuppah [marriage], and good deeds, in good health and ample sustenance.
May G-d grant that you should have good news to report, including also good news about having been successful in finding a suitable apartment in a desirable neighborhood, as you mention in your letter.
With blessing,
[signature]
P.S. While the letter was addressed to you, since it is in reply to your letter, it goes without saying that you may show it to your husband, and convey to him my best regards at the same time.
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