Rabbi Yosef Chitrik, Dean of the Beis Chana Seminary in Tzfas, writes in the latest issue of Kfar Chabad Magazine:
Before Pesach, a “Lev Avos” podcast was recorded, and I was invited to join a discussion about lowering the age of shidduchim.
I told the host that regarding girls, I heard a clear directive from the Rebbe through my brother-in-law, Rabbi Leibel Kaplan, of blessed memory.
The Rebbe was once asked about advancing a girl a grade—whether it was advisable or not. The pros and cons were laid out.
The Rebbe answered: If skipping a grade will cause her to finish her studies earlier and get married earlier, then it is worthwhile.
That was the Rebbe’s only consideration! So there is no doubt that this should serve as a guiding principle for us in this matter.
The host then turned to my friend, a very respected rosh yeshiva, to hear his view on advancing the age of marriage for bochurim.
He answered very clearly: among temimim, we do not deal with shidduchim in yeshiva.
A tomim goes to learn for a “kvutzah” year, which is an important matter that received the Rebbe’s approval and blessing. After that year, some return to their yeshivos and serve as “shluchim,” giving the younger bochurim vitality in learning and Chassidic conduct. Others remain to learn in the Rebbe’s courtyard at 770 or at the Ohel. And some go out on shlichus around the world or pursue other paths.
The host asked: In your opinion, how many years should a bochur continue in yeshiva before entering shidduchim?
The rosh yeshiva answered: as long as he wants. I do not want to interrupt his learning.
The host: Is there a red line? A year or two after kvutzah, or three?
The rosh yeshiva: Who says there is a red line? Why stop him if he is learning?
The host: Is this true even if his learning is not fully on the level of “Toraso umnaso”?
The rosh yeshiva: In yeshiva, we do not impose on a bochur to move on to shidduchim if he is not ready.
The host then asked me: Rabbi Chitrik, what is your opinion?
I answered that I am not worthy to express an opinion on how Tomchei Temimim should be run. That is not my life’s mission.
But I do have an interest in helping our older female students. Parents of girls approach a shadchan with a request for a match, and are told that the boy is “not yet ready to hear a shidduch suggestion.”
And I, a small person, ask—why?
Is there not a value in building a home as soon as possible, and going out on shlichus in accordance with the Rebbe’s will? Is there no possibility to continue Torah learning in a kollel after marriage for two years or more, for those who wish to learn diligently and grow in Torah?
There are numerous sichos of the Rebbe speaking against withdrawing from involvement in this world. The Rebbe urges and demands—to tear oneself away—to disconnect (with mesirus nefesh) and forgo one’s own personal spiritual optimization, for the sake of entering the world as a shliach of Hashem and transforming it into a dwelling place for Him.
Were these words not said (also) to precious bochurim whose souls yearn for Torah, and who delay involvement in shidduchim under the pretext of “Torah study”?
The word “pretext” is used intentionally here, in line with the Rebbe’s interpretation: “emes-lo”—not the truth. Because I am not certain that this is the inner, genuine reason.
Have we not heard and rejected such an approach, as practiced in other circles, of those who remain indefinitely in the world of Torah without limits?
Is it truly for the spiritual and emotional good of bochurim to delay the season of shidduchim—enough said?
Without, chas v’shalom, diminishing the honor of the yeshiva hanhalas—I am concerned that the value of going out on shlichus is not sufficiently instilled; the value of building a home and family; the value of reaching the chuppah with pure thoughts, before exposure to the realities of the world.
Shiur Daled Ohlei Torah serves no purpose and should be skipped bochurim should go straight to Shlichus from zal and get married it’s ridiculous that Girls need to wait for the boys
Shlichus after shiur daled is overrated
Should go Lern smicha and get married by age of 22
There are so many more problems with the way the American system works and he wasn’t even reffering to that shiur daled is the 3rd year of zal INSTITUTED BY THE REBBEIM he was talking about after kevutzah aka the Israeli system
This is a huge source of income – shiur daled
Why not skip seminary and get married earlier?! Girls like to be home and on their own for a bit before getting married. Seminary essentially postpones marriage by a year.
Or parents can save the money of the cost of seminary to help the young couple off to a more secure financial start. So many marriages struggle for financial reasons. $25,000 would def be put to use – it’s shalom bayis, whereas Sem is def overrated.
I b”h spent a year in shiur daled ohlei Torah which prepared me for shlichus in a way that wasn’t possible if not for shiur daled
I was also in Shiur Daled it’s a nice social vibe where you meet all your friends and if your lucky enough that your friends pick you to go on Shlichus with them
So go to Shiur Daled as a married man.
Shiur Daled is technically Shiur Gimmel… It’s the third year of Zal, not an extra fourth one…
Shiur daled was my only functional year of Zal
(I didn’t learn or do anything productive until I came to Shiur daled) I might be the exception and not the norm but Shiur daled is a necessity for people like me
The idea of shiur dalad as a whole definitely has value and should not be removed but (with worryingly few exceptions) buchorim go to shiur dalad ot not to learn or because its a good idea for them but just to go to a “good” place for shlichus or even more commonly simply because everyone goes there. This results in most people wasting their year likely having caused more harm to themselves than good and in the end starting shiduchim later yet no more ready
Question the trend of charging a fortune for overpriced seminary’
Based on last names and not always the actual person and their middos
shots fired
Yes, this is real
Rabbi Chitrik was born in the year 5712 and got married in the year 5736
that makes 24 years
So yes there is no problem with staying on to study
for even three years after Kvutza
You have 40 year old girls waiting to find someone shayach. It’s a bit sad. Any ideas?
frum society right now. Absolute highest priority.
It’s a major problem on both sides. In lubavitch we pretend not to care about olam haze so we don’t talk about being a yid or having a Yiddish home or caring about any of that. So the yesterday hora gets to educate us instead.
How’s that working for you?
We should do a real survey
Boys should be educated and learn about marriage just like the girls learn
Maybe just let the girls mingle more with the bochrim in yeshiva and then they’ll get married earlier!
The goyim already tried that, and they get married later. And much higher divorce rate. The grass isn’t greener on the other side.
1. Invei hagefen
2. The girls do it anyways
Bro it would be a cool idea. Except that they won’t get married……they’ll just be chazreim
That is a great idea! Chabad is open minded so this would seem to work!
1. Girls don’t wait they just don’t like there options because they’re picky 2. Bochrim wait because getting married is a serious thing and being a bochur is being carefree and becoming your true self and learning and becoming independent 3. Boys aren’t as emotional and “mentally mature” as girls so alot of things are just either understood or told (which a lot of those things are a major issue that they aren’t spoken about to bochrim in yeshivos etc.) so naturally bochrim need more time to prepare themselves to live with a woman which they have no idea what… Read more »
then why don’t the men today get married at 18?
Because the Rebbe said otherwise. And pretty sure learning Torah is a valid reason to delay.
According to Jewish law, it is a valid reason, but not for the time span that people extend it. there is a limit and the current system surpasses it,
Are totally not ready to get married! The Sages wrote that when married couples lived in the same courtyard as their parents. Life was very different then.
wake up and get ready! that’s the solution.
The rebbe told rabbi Chefer in EY that he wishes that ppl would get married younger but he knows that no one will listen to him, so he won’t say it
thanks for posting. so the boys should get married at 18.
unfortunately,the divorce rate is very high!
It doesn’t work that way. Boys at 19,20,21 aren’t mature enough for marriage while a girl at that age most probably is. Maybe if we educate boys in our mosdos more about marriage, like they do with girls, the boys won’t still be running around like children at 20.
You cant teach bochurim to mature or about marriage if they want to stick to their mothers apron and their mothers are making sure of that for their own needs. Mothers has to FIRST let their sons go instead of making him mentally dependent on her only! Or the boys have to want to become men and make their way In life to marry a wife and not his mother which Will never happen at 20.
He can from his way to stop depends on his mother, its the whole catch of growing up;)
Why can’t a 19 year old be ready.
Why is it that a 19 year old male who has been in school/yeshiva went through years of learning torah and chasidus can’t live with 1 female
What’s up with that
Why has that been normalized
Bochrim have stricter guidelines when it comes to what you can talk about or even think about and what you are and aren’t allowed to do so naturally things aren’t spoken about so how on earth would they know! All they know is from the occasional less chassidish guy who knows something or if they get to stuff online and even that isn’t really it so maybe talk to bochrim a bit more and explain to them instead of letting them figure it out (I’m also talking about how to live life how to file taxes how to manage credit… Read more »
What is lost in translation, literally, is that this column was written with Israeli bochurim in mind, not Americans.
There’s a certain mismatch in the chinuch.
Girls are given a watered down chinuch, only a small minority go to good seminaries, and even then only for a year or two.
How are they supposed to match with boys for who chassidishkeit is their whole life?
We need better high schools, and more post seminary programs.
to delete their social media. Then they can be as good as the girls who don’t have social media and be a match.
Marriage matures. As long as they have good middos, they’re ready for marriage.
he runs a seminary and wants his graduates to get married…
“the value of reaching the chuppah with pure thoughts, before exposure to the realities of the world.”
What universe is this man living in? Bochurim are very very exposed. This is not a naive world anymore. Even filters don’t mean a thing.
Getting married young is betting on the potential of someone and you have no idea if they will actually turn out to be a functional person. They never had to be responsible for anything, never held a job, and are not naive. Marrying your daughter off to a young guy is gambling
all the people saying to skip years of yeshiva are people who havent opened a gemara in the last 5 years
Being 23 and single is not the problem Question is why is he single Every boy will answer that differently But if he’s a drunk and addicted that’s a slightly different issue to whether he’s 19 or 23. Doesn’t really matter The real thing they don’t teach in yeshiva is how to be an actual human mench. How to deal with male issues and they also need encouragement from their mashpiim about the importance of making a Yiddish home. Ye woman are complex humans and that’s how hashem created them. But the fact that bothering are either lazy or don’t… Read more »
http://www.guardyoureyes.com
(Firstly, if they are BOYS then they are not ready for the full responsibility of marriage.)
It is not about age or how many years of learning, it is about maturity for the responsibility of marriage, family, and adulting.
If we hope for the young men to marry younger, we have to adjust our system so that they are ready younger.
What are those plans?
Actually, nevermind the age we are hoping they get married, what is the plan to have our young men understand the importance of preparing for a successful adult life and marriage and family.
Rabbi Chitrik has a strong point. Surely, The Rebbe encouraged boys to marry earlier then later. However, (and the Rebbe would in personal letters deal with this alot) each bachur is ready at a different time. Some should learn till they are ready to marry, others should marry earlier. The Rebbe,s view in general was as Rabbi Chitrik pointed out to marry sooner and go on shlichus. However and this is an important aspect: In satmar for example they marry very young, but here is the key difference. They will most likely live near parents and go into parents or… Read more »
than shlichus.