When it comes to wedding plans, something always goes wrong. But what else can go
wrong, possibly worse, when a couple can’t agree on style or decorum? The Avner Institute presents the Rebbe’s businesslike advice to a bride who desires an event greater attuned to modernity despite a bridegroom who refuses to compromise the sanctity of Jewish marriage and its true goal – union of man and woman in the eternal edifice of Torah.
Dedicated in loving memory of Hadassah Lebovic A”H
“The Most Important Thing”
By the Grace of G-d
16 Tevet 5715
Brooklyn, NY
Blessing and Greeting:
This is in reply to your letter of January 5, in which you ask my advice concerning the
frictions that arose with regard to the marriage celebration planned in March.
Let me at once rectify your error in evaluating the situation, which I ascribe to the fact
that you are personally involved right in the midst of it, for it is difficult under such
circumstances to evaluate a situation more calmly and objectively, as the person who
views it from a distance. The error consists in overlooking the fact that the marriage
ushers in a new life for the young couple and lays the foundation for the happiness of
the entire future life, while the external aspects of the celebration connected with the
hall, band, or dancing and the like, are matters of a few hours’ duration and of no lasting
consequences, thus entirely disproportionate to the real important things which are
fundamental.
Needless to say, the most insignificant thing can be blown up to assume tremendous
proportions, as people sometimes make a mountain out of a molehill, with the result that
it causes anxiety and heartache as if the thing was really significant. But the fact is that
what appears to you as a problem of great consequence is in reality nothing that can
have any bearing on the future if approached correctly.
Rights & Wrongs
As to the question, who is right and who has to give in, I trust that you can answer it
yourself even on a little reflection. Consider the issue: on the one hand you have the
local convention to make the wedding festivities in a certain way, of which your family is
in favor; if your chassan [fiancé] will not conform, and will try to explain why, the
explanation may not be accepted, and your family will feel hurt, for a time, at any rate.
On the other hand, he believes that if he did conform, he will offend the Almighty, going
against His will. In addition to the fact that one is always dependent upon G-d’s grace,
this is something which is of fundamental importance, connected with the very
foundations of the entire future. Even if there were only a remote chance or doubt as to
its possible effects, it would be prudent to avoid it.
Suppose a businessman is offered a transaction which has two possibilities: either to
earn a penny, or to lose a million dollars. What a reasonable businessman would do in
such a case is obvious. Yet here it is only a question of money, where the difference
between a penny and a million can be measured. In your case, it is not a question of
relative proportions, for the issues are: following an external convention, and thereby
jeopardizing the spiritual and material happiness of two young lives who are about to
join their lives and fate and build a home together. The choice should not be difficult to
make.
Whatever justification there may be for your chagrin at not having been told about it
earlier, the set-up of your problem does not change thereby, inasmuch as your chassan
is not motivated by a personal whim, but something which he considers of fundamental
importance, as many tens of thousands of other religious Jews do.
Dollars & Sense
So much for the problem, as you describe it in your letter. Actually, there could probably
be found a way of arranging the wedding less sumptuously, so that the absence of
mixed dancing would not even be conspicuous. The saving of money in this way would
undoubtedly come in useful for your personal needs and partly for tzedakah, and
everyone would be happy.
I trust it is unnecessary to refute your argument that there are many, among them such
that call themselves “rabbis,” who do not object to, or participate in, mixed dancing. If it
were a valid argument to do what others do, or even what the majority does, Jews who
are, and always have been, in the minority would have long ago disappeared from the
face of the earth, and even within our people too, those strictly adhering to our Torah
and mitzvoth, kashruth, etc. are unfortunately in the minority in recent times.
Let me conclude by reiterating what I told you when you were here. The preparations to
the wedding and the wedding itself – this is the foundation of your future home among
our people. As in any structure, the most important thing is the foundation, for all effort
and money poured into a building, into the walls, decorations, interior and exterior,
furniture, etc. would be to no avail if the foundations are not strong and lasting, and no
chances, however remote, should be permitted to jeopardize the whole structure,
especially as it can be so easily avoided.
I trust that you will find the suitable words to explain to your mother the true aspects of
the situation, and that from now on there will be no more friction among all concerned,
and that you will have only good news to write about.
With prayerful wishes that the wedding take place in a happy and auspicious hour, for a
happy future materially and spiritually.
With blessing,
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