“Getting over the Speed Bumps on the way to the Chuppah” was the topic of a special event sponsored by the Shidduch Group Network, and featuring Toby Lieder — Shadchan, Shidduch Coach and Shlucha — of Melbourne, Australia.
A standing-room-only crowd of over 80 women of all ages turned out for this unique presentation, held at the home of the Friedfertig family on November 29/21 Cheshvan.
Elana Bergovoy, Co-Founder and President of the Shidduch Group Network, welcomed the crowd and reminded everyone that “The Mazel is in the Group!” By combining both ruchnius and Gashmius elements of one’s Shidduch search, we are following a “Recipe” for success with Shidduchim.
In Shidduch Group Network chapters around the world, including several in Brooklyn, participants learn together the Rebbe’s advice for shidduchim on a regular basis, Daven for others and give tzedakah daily towards Hachnossas Kallah, per the Rebbe’s directive. Hishtadlus, such as contacting Shadchanim and
registering on dating websites, is necessary for tachlis as well.
Together we bring down the mazel for each other to meet “the right one st the right time.”
Toby Lieder regaled the crowd with her stories and tips gained from her decades-long involvement with Shidduchim, starting from her newlywed days.
Eighteen practical tips for shidduchim were highlighted by Mrs. Lieder as well.
The evening culminated with a “Meet the Shadchan” opportunity, where participants could meet several shadchanim in attendance.
The Shidduch Group Network would like to thank Toby Lieder for her eloquent and informative presentation, and Miriam Friedfertig for graciously hosting the evening.
Toby is a qualified and dedicated dating coach. While in New York this past week she interviewed/coached over 30 singles by appointment, that were seeking a new perspective or perhaps a bit of new clarity in searching for their right partner in life.
Here are some examples that Toby shared at the Shidduch group meeting which can easily assist anyone in their Shidduch search!
PRACTICAL TIPS ON SHIDDUCHIM
1. RESEARCH
Research the persons resume well by asking at least 5 people and not necessarily only the ones on the resume. (Ask the people on the resume for another reference that’s NOT on the resume) and whatever majority says is usually right.
2. The List
Toby is a firm believer in downsizing your Shidduch requirements to only 5.
She calls them the 5 Non-Negotiables.
By working with a smaller list you have a far greater chance to find a suitable match.
This list should be used as a reference point when people ask what you are looking for in a Shidduch.
The list is also a great way to ‘check-in’ between dating to see if the person actually fully qualifies.
3. TIP
Tip the shadchan something (Paypal $ is nice) every time they send you out on a date.
It can even be a box of chocolates or a warm note. It acknowledges their hard work and encourages them to continue to work for you with a smile.
4. 1 Thing A Day
Do one thing a day towards your Shidduch! Some do a Chesed a day! It doesn’t have to be grand or much, just one nice thing to another for the sake of the merit of a Shiddich.
An extra prayer, or Tzedokah.
Help a Kalla/Choson in their preparations for their wedding is a good example some do.
5. Friends and Family
They all mean well but not asking everyone’s advise about a particular suggestion may be the greatest gift you can give yourself. Choose 1 or 2 people max to ask advice from, like a Mashpia or similar.
6. Open-minded
Think out of the box. Allow yourself to be surprised. Let’s not get carried away with previous assumptions. Open your mind to think broader and listen to a suggestion more intently then dismissing it right away. Revisit an old suggestion, you never know.
7. Dress code
You never get a second chance to make a first impression
Look your best. One can tell if you put effort into preparing to look the best you can be. Guys make sure the car is clean and smells fresh!
8. Forgiveness
The Rebbe says think hard if in the past you may have hurt someone’s feelings in a Shidduch. Can help to clear the possible blockage by asking forgiveness.
9. Reminder
As a shadchan I ask everyone that I coach/interview to send me one word every 2 weeks that says ‘available’ or ‘busy’. It keeps me up to date where people are at, and helps me focus on them when I see their name. A shadchan cannot physically chase up everyone.
10. Whatsapp Blast
Only to family and close friends. Every month or so send an updated profile out and say “ please think for one minute if you have any ideas for a Shiddich for …” There has been many successful Shidduchim made by simply reminding people to think once in a while.
11. Profile Presentation
The more professional looking and effort put into the profile, the better the chances are to be noticed. When I receive a sloppy or not presentable one, I send it back to be redone. It makes an impression.
12. Shadchan
Hire a qualified dedicated Shadchan that feels good in your gut. A Shadchan Coach is even better as they can help guide you through the process.
Be upfront about the fee, at the start.
13. Role Model
Your children are watching your every move and expressions. We need to be mindful when we get a rejection to stay strong and remember that Hashem is really running the show and to feel, encourage and display Emunah and Btochon. We have the privilege of empowering our environment while embracing Hashem’s will.
14. Perspective. THE GOLD
Your list of 5 core values will help put things in perspective in the future when the spouse’s weakness or habits come to be once married, we will always fall back in these 5 amazing qualities that we were most attracted to in the first place, and feel comforted knowing that they really have the most important qualities one needs in a spouse! And the other stuff will fall on the wayside.
15. Pray for the other
The Gemorah says when we pray for another Hashem answers our prayers first! Pray and help others that need a Shidduch and Hashem will bless you too!
Toby can include you in an exclusive database that you can request to be on.
Here are the sample forms of this database.
Please contact Toby Lieder for the actual forms to join the database, appointment or a Coaching Session:
[email protected] or WhatsApp/call +61470173916
TOBY YOU ARE SECOND TO NONE!!! The care and devotion …endless patience you show – all you want is to help singles find their bashert and you leave no stone unturned along the path….. You have taught me so much on my journey if not for you I wd probably not be married today!! Thank you Toby
Thank you very much for your time and meeting with me this morning. I really feel that my 5 non-negotiables describe the bochur I am looking for in the best way. I’m so grateful to have them in writing and as a visual to remind me of the person I want to marry.
I highly recommend meeting with Mrs.Lieder, she is very skilled, experienced, and patient. Lovely to speak with and overall a pleasure!
A breath of fresh air- Its worth the time difference!!
Do what you want to your friend as you want done to you.
If a shidduch prospect contacts you whether you are interested , on the fence, or not interested in, be a mentch and respond in a timely fashion and communicate properly. No need to play the “I’ll wait a while to respond to show them that i’m busy or cool”. The way you behave during the shidduch process is a KEY factor that should be looked at that speaks volume over a nice dress or fancy suit on a first date.
What goes around comes around……