To Promote Tznius, Stop Talking About It

By Avremi Gourarie

Tznius. The topic I wish to not talk about.

Narrator and film creator Morgan Freeman was once asked on a 60 Minutes interview: ‘How do we stop racism?’ He answered, without skipping a beat, ‘Stop talking about it’

Tznius. We must stop talking about it. I say this to our community leaders and educators. It’s easy to tell someone what NOT to do. It’s much harder to inspire and lead by example in the hope that observance goals will be achieved by osmosis.

It seems to me that the more the community and schools push this agenda, the more divided everyone seems to be. The ‘problem’ persists. We are not talking of the kids or adults who want to dress or behave modestly anyway—that’s preaching to the choir. But what about those who are choosing a different path? It is falling on deaf ears, I say.

It was said in the name of Albert Einstein: ‘The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.’ Yet some community leaders, principals, and teachers persist.

Writing article after article. Calling a kid into the principal’s office, giving them a dressing down (pardon the pun), and punishing them for their tznius missteps is not useful. The kid does not come away thinking ‘Wow, Morah is right, my connection to G-d cannot be complete if I wear red nail polish’. No, instead, you breed resentment and anger. The kid sees through you. And it actually encourages the student to double down and find ways to buck the system even more. Worse, in many cases, by reacting/responding in this way, it may exacerbate potential mental health challenges when there is already so much the youth have to struggle with. Self-esteem, self-doubt, body image. Their spirit is crushed. Depression is not far off. Criticizing and highlighting the negative is never a good thing. Positive behavior reinforcement and validation – good!

As for young adults – an article recently published on COLlive about tznius being the reason there is a shidduch crisis. Say what?! We fail that generation and then blame them?

Let me explain.

I am in awe of today’s younger generation, the most sensitive, most deep, and persistently curious and inquisitive. This is the generation we ought to celebrate and nurture, not harass and belittle. This is the generation that demands authentic spiritualism, sans platitudes and shallow demands. They are teaching us, the generation that came before them, not the other way around. This is the messianic generation that demands of us to jettison the rote mindset of old, not to fake what is not true to us, to be vulnerable with our halachic struggles as well as our emotional shortcomings. They demand and deserve real answers. ‘Cos I said so’ or ‘That’s what the Rebbe said’ does not cut it. It’s our duty to lift them, elevate them. If our sons and daughters are not frum, it’s because we are not frum.

So, how is this issue (if indeed it is an issue) solved? By not speaking about it at all.

By being an excellent role model, you teach by example. If you’re a teacher or a mother who is caring and kind, encouraging, sincere, loving, flexible, and you also happen to dress modestly, then guess what? The student/child is going to want to emulate you. They are going to want to be kind. They will want to be responsible and sincere. And without even realizing it, they will mimic the way you dress/behave simply because they will want to be just like you. They will want to replicate your values. Your Torah values. The same for fathers. We cannot correct our religious failings vicariously through our kids. It’s unfair to them, and it doesn’t work. We cannot demand more than we demand of ourselves. That ship has sailed. We can only inspire by example.

A little cross-reference. This is true about Yiddishkeit as it is about mental health. There’s an anecdote told of a tribe in the Amazon. A child gets sick. Instead of fixing the child, they thank the child. The message being that the child’s struggles shine attention on the issues that the core tribe must address. The tribe does the work, heals, improves, and the child follows in kind. The same can be applied here. Dai Lechakimah B’rimizah….

There is another way. A new paradigm is upon us.