Answer by Rabbi Chaim Hillel Raskin, Moreh Hora’ah at Beis Horaa in Rechovot, Israel:
The Torah lists two prohibitions in responding to wrongdoing done to us:[1]
(1) Nekama – taking revenge, such as not lending someone who didn’t want to lend us.[2] Some Rishonim write that even planning to take revenge is a partial transgression of nekama.[3]
(2) Netira – harboring resent, such as lending despite the other person’s unkindness but emphasizing that he himself is not being unkind.[4]
Rather, we must erase such an incident from our mind. Poskim disagree as to whether or not the prohibition of netira includes feeling resentful alone or lending with a sour face,[5] or only if one actually says “I’m not like you.”[6]
The basis for these mitzvos is the realization that any negative happening is by Hashem’s decree, and the other person is not the true cause of the offence.[7]
The Rambam writes that the prohibition is necessary for the benefit of social give and take.[8] Furthermore, all Yidden are like one body and when one takes revenge against another, he is also hurting himself.[9]
Some hold that the prohibitions of revenge are limited to monetary matters, however if someone hurts another’s feelings or attacks a person physically, there is no prohibition of revenge, (retaliating would be problematic on other accounts, but netira would be permissible).[10] However, others disagree, and midas chassidus would certainly require being stringent.[11]
Revenge is specifically when one bears a grudge at a later time, however, one who retaliates immediately in heated anger does not transgress this prohibition.
Of course, the ideal behavior (midas Chassidus) is not to react even in such a case.[12] However, if the victim feels hurt, he should approach the wrongdoer, rather than hold a grudge in his heart.[13]
The Rebbe explains that the purpose of punishment according to Torah is not to “settle scores” r”l, but rather to improve a person for the future, and the type of punishment should reflect that.[14]
REFERENCES:
1. ויקרא פרק י”ט פסוק י”ח.
2. רמב”ם הל דעות פ”ז ה”ז. וראה שוע”ר או”ח סי קנ”ו ס”ג.
3. משמעות ספר החינוך מצוה רמ”א.
4. רמב”ם שם ה”ח.
5. מסילת ישרים פי”א. וראה בס’ הליכות שם הע’ ט”ו שדן שאולי הוא מדין אהבת ישראל ולא משום נטירה.
6. ראה הליכות בין אדם לחבירו פכ”ג ס”ז ובהערה י”ד. ברבנו יונה ש”ת ש”ג מאמר ל”ח מחמיר, ובסמ”ג ל”ת י”א וי”ב לקולא.
7. ס’ חינוך מצוה רמא.
8. להעיר שמשמע מהרמב”ם איסור נטירה הוא שמא יבוא לנקום.
9. ראה דרמ”צ לאדמו”ר הצ”צ מצוות אהבת ישראל.
10. אורח מישרים סי’ כ’ ס”ד ע”פ הגמ’ יומא כ”ג ע”א.
11. מהחינוך שם משמע ששייך בכל. וראה חפץ חיים הקדמה מל”ת ח’-ט’, וראה פירוש באר מים חיים שם דהוי ספק דאורייתא ולהחמיר, אבל ראה שוע”ר שם. וצ”ע.
12. ע”פ גמ’ שבת פ”ח ע”ב.
13. מג או”ח סי’ קנ”ו סק”ב.
14. אג”ק ח”ט ע’ קפג.
Published by Merkaz Anash
In the not too distant past I went to a wedding were they invited only family for the seuda (up stairs in Ohlei Torah) it was beautiful for family and close friends to spend time together and then invited many people to simchas chosen v’kalla downstairs… with a ‘open bar’ and a few hot platters if someone was hungry
we are never upset if we don’t get invited to a simcha let the Thefamily who makes the simcha celebrate it with those who the family feel close to. BTW if we would attend every simcha we are invited to and cover the minimum ( 120$) for a couple we would have a very hard time to pay our bills.
My husband often works at night and rarely attend peoples smichas at NiGHT, I do often attend day time events bris , birthday farbrin etc I’m a sahm, so I can. For very close friends, I will attend the KP, and even that’s hard sometimes. What I started doing lately is sending a desert for the Sheva brochas and everyone is happy and grateful.C are for the Kallah and her friends(chosson too), close family. I don’t feel the same connection to a friends childs C then when we were young andd attending each others. Sorry the HIGH cost of babysitting,… Read more »
When I was sending out invitations I was told not to drop too many in 1 mailbox because there are many stories of the mailman throwing out invitations. I was advised to sort them & bring then to the 2 post offices (11225 & 11213). Even then sometimes they get lost or damaged.
So if someone didn’t come they may not have gotten the invitation. So too if you don’t get an invitation from someone that you expect to get one from it may not be their fault.
to excuses there’s no end – keep them to yourself!
wasn’t an excuse But an explanation!!
It’s because the Bill is high to pay at all events for the guests ( new outfit and good looking hair/nails , shoes ) …. and it’s high for the family but why to spend tons of $ for the event , save it for the kids ….
Make small simha for family and dancing for the rest with 0 checks involved from the crowd
Dear Non Crown Heightser #11 This is a very good statement. I also don’t like going to weddings because during the meal the music is so loud you cannot hear your neighbor. They even give out ear plugs sometimes. Question: Are we supposed to be an ‘Am nauvon ve’chochom?’ If so, why is the music so loud that friends cannot speak without straining their voices? What’s the purpose of very loud music during a meal? A. To entertain the dinners? B. To show the skills of the orchestra/band? C. To prevent talking during eating because it’s unhealthy? (Of course ‘B’… Read more »
Your really good friends and relatives will always show. If they didn’t they undoubtedly had a very good reason. Never ask a young couple why they didn’t show, it may have been mikva night. I was asked as a newlywed, why I didn’t attend a simcha you should’ve seen the face of the baalas simcha when I told her I had gone to the mikvah.
When a friend or relative make a simcha and they invite you , they want you to show up – how you’re dressed, the gift you bring – that’s secondary No question – that every person who attends – enhances the simcha and makes the baalei simcha happy and grateful Making comments like “why would you get insulted if a friend doesn’t show to your simcha – grow up ” is definitely not coming from a good place If someone wants to be somewhere – nothing in the world will stop him/her – To excuses there’s no end – keep… Read more »
I kind of agree with number 1#…. there are b”h simchos in CH every night, sometimes more then one!!!! And people after a full day of work would rather spend time home with the family…. I get a lot of Invites from families i hardly know, and i am sure they meant well by sending them, but….do i really feel comfortable at their simchos??? not really, i feel i don’t belong there so i prefer to avoid embarrassment. Further more, if someone does not show up at your Simcha, he or she probably don’t feel that close…..nothing wrong with that.It… Read more »
Why don’t you ask them, in a non-accusatory way, why they didn’t attend? Like, “We missed you at the wedding. Is everything all right?” Or, “I hope something didn’t happen that prevented you from attending.” Or “We would have loved to see you there. Hope everything is ok.” Or whatever. But not, “You dare not come, well I’m not coming to yours.” Or , “I don’t care if you have your reasons, I’m not interested. You should have come because i invited you.” On the other hand, the other party could explain the circumstances either specifically or in general. For… Read more »
…is having your own sibling blow off your Simcha because “it’s too difficult to make the trip.” Try not bearing a grudge on that one!
To put or not to put a stamp on a return envelope when the wedding is out of town? On one hand it may look cheap but stamps also get expensive. They know I won’t be attending so is it just to be yotze? On the other hand it might seem you expect a gift with the reply. And what about that little card inserted where the chosson & Kallah are registered? Either way you look at it, it isn’t possible to please everyone.
First, grow up. Second, the Churban was for someone not attending a wedding – if Kamtza or was it Bar Kamtza would have shown up at his friend’s wedding even though he didn’t get the invitation, the host would have been happy to see him and maybe not made the big deal that his non-friend was there instead.
Maybe – they don’t like crowds
they were tired from a long day
they didn’t have something nice to wear
her sheitel needed fixing
no babysitter
but it’s probably not because they don’t like you. Grow up.
Shes good with this stuff ask this to her next nishei ussue
Nekama? Revenge?Issur d’oraysa???
What are you talking about?!
It clearly states in our invitations that “by accepting the invitation to my simcha, I will repay you by attending your simcha”, this implies that the reverse is also true – that if you don’t come to my simcha, I won’t come to yours!
Plz ppl, don’t take it personally when someone doesn’t come to ur simcha…there are thousands of reasons you should b able to come up with that should excuse her….and if u aren’t truly happy to attend hers, don’t.
what should one do if they would like to go to the simcha but simply can’t afford to give a fair gift to each simcha they are invited to? one solution is to stop by and say mazel tov at the kabolas ponim (where the host will then ask you ‘will I get to dance with you later?’) can be very uncomfortable.
This isn’t as easy as it seems. I like the solution of #1 up to the point where people might be insulted about not being invited. Let’s hear some practical solutions
I don’t understand how nekima and netira are relevant here. It I always went to every wedding in the city, and now I say they didn’t come to mine so I won’t go to their’s, that would be nekima. But in fact I don’t go to any weddings unless I have some close connection to the family. The fact that they didn’t come to my wedding shows that we do not have such a close connection. Why is not attending their wedding any different from any of the other dozens of weddings that I don’t attend?
Weddings are boring. One cannot speak to people because the music is too loud. Is there really a chiyuv to be mesameach chosson and kalloh when there is already a minimum of people there already. In our generation it is best to devote more time to one’s children than running from one simchoh to the next. Years ago a bochur had to keep the seder and attned the chasunah later. That tells you something as well.
We go to weddings be m’sameach the Chosson v Kallah. We do not need to sink to the level of not going to a simcha for petty reasons. Ahavas Yisroel, remember ?
Before we discuss the laws of revenge or simply holding a grudge, we should always realize there may be many many underlying reasons for someone not being able to attend a Simcha. Personal issues, family issues, financial issues, etc…Perhaps another example would have been more fitting for this treatise.
Usually you aren’t OBLIGATED according to Halacha to go to a Simcha (exceptions obviously like a Bris that you were invited to). The obligation is purely a social one. If you don’t feel like going, don’t go. The question should be can I not go to the Simcha out of revenge for them not going.
I once was with someone who was approached by a lady who said
I DIDNT SEE YOU BY OUR SIMCHA, YOU DIDNT COME? WHY NOT? I know that she was trying to show her that she was wanted, but don’t put people on the spot. Not necessary, not productive, nothing useful about it.
The question was “are they obligated to go to the simcha” the answer is no. You are not obligated to go to a simcha.
I Don’t understand what’s the connection to nekamah
תודה רבה על התשובות לשאלה הקשה הזאת,
to the original question.
It is very good to read what we all “know” – that we should always be dan l’kaf zchus. However, when your best friends don’t show up for your simcha and give some pathetic excuse (if I say what it was the friends will recognize themselves), feeling hurt and not wanting to make the effort for their simcha is natural. It may not be the right thing to feel, but we are only human. We did go in the end but we went late and didn’t stay too long. I have to be honest, we are still hurt, especially as… Read more »
Please clarify
The last point about punishment. Is this implying that when adults do something we don’t like, punishing them is an appropriate response, as long as it’s to improve the person not settle scores? It sounds funny to punish a neighbor in order to teach him something.
Maybe people should rethink their invitation lists a bit. It seems everyone is making huge weddings (which many go into deep debt for) and most of the people don’t even want to come. How about making smaller, more affordable weddings, with an intimate guest list of those who actually want to be there. Seems like a win-win.