N’shei Chabad Newsletter’s Tammuz issue is now in print.
Just in time for the 14th yahrtzeit of Rebbetzin Gittel Mentlik on Rosh Chodesh Tammuz, the N’shei Chabad Newsletter features a beautiful tribute to the Mentliks written by Tamar Chayempour.
“Very little has been written about this humble but powerful couple who together had a profound impact on the Chabad community in America, and N’shei Chabad Newsletter is proud to present this important piece of Chabad history,” associate editor Chaya Shuchat told COLlive.
Also in the Tammuz issue, Rabbi Manis Friedman addresses the shidduch crisis in his inimitable style; Esther Etiquette responds to Mrs. Yitta Halberstam’s advice to kallah maidelach to undergo plastic surgery; Chana Gittle Deray writes about surviving a Pittsburgh flash flood, and Rabbi Dovid Zaklikovski shares his grandfather’s unforgettable life story.
The Tammuz issue of the N’shei Chabad Newsletter has all this and many more articles, including your favorite features like I Was Touched, Rabbi Kolodny’s halachah column and Open House. To subscribe, visit NsheiChabadNewsletter.com.
Excerpt of an article below:
An exclusive interview by the N’shei Chabad Newsletter with Rabbi Manis Friedman:
WHAT EXACTLY IS THE CRISIS?
There’s not a shidduch crisis. There’s a marriage crisis. There are some serious problems. For many people the whole notion of marriage needs to be rethought. Why get married? What is marriage? We used to have at least a vague notion; now we don’t. Some bochurim have real questions, starting with: What’s the rush to get married?
For the first time in a long time there’s a need to explain the Torah view of marriage. On what basis do we make shidduchim; the need for shadchanim; dating, engagement, tznius… it seems nothing can be taken for granted anymore.
Now there can be two schools of thought. Either we have to find a new definition for marriage because we live in a “modern world,” or we have to get back to the most original definition of marriage.
People ask, “Why is the old system not working for us?” The answer is – we’re not working for the old system. If you do it, it works.
WHO NEEDS A SHADCHAN?
For example, it is so wise and so moral to use shadchanim. Consider the following scenario.
A bochur wants to tell the girl he’s dating that he is not interested in continuing. But they’re communicating directly; they don’t use the shadchan. So he meets her face to face to tell her that it’s over. She foolishly asks him why. He cruelly tells her. It’s criminal behavior. The role of the shadchan is first of all to make this whole process kind, or, at the very least, non-damaging,
No matter what age the people are, or even if it’s a second or third marriage, they should use a shadchan from beginning to end.
One bochur who I questioned told me shamelessly, “I was going out with this girl. We broke up about a year ago. I didn’t want to continue, and she asked me why, so I told her she was mousy looking.”
Earlier, I had spoken to the girl, who said, “I haven’t gone out in a year… I’m mousy looking.”
BUT YOU PROMISED
We have been telling the secular world that there’s more to marriage than feelings or love. Do we still believe that or have we changed our minds?
When you go out, you’re not going out to find someone you like. You’re going out to get married. That’s your one and only goal. Naturally, you want to marry someone with whom you are compatible. It seems like we have lost touch with this fundamental truth, we have turned it on its head, and we go looking for compatibility but not necessarily for marriage.
I hear this: “When I find someone I’m really crazy about, then I’ll get married.”
That’s wrong.
It doesn’t work.
In the secular world, for the last 50 years, people married only the ones they were crazy about. And the divorce rate skyrocketed. Today it is higher than ever before in human history.
The secular world back in the 50s and 60s made us some very attractive promises. If you date a lot, and many people, you’ll know whom to marry.
If there’s no pressure, and you can marry at any age, whenever you feel comfortable and ready, marriages will be better.
If you use birth control, and you have children only when you definitely are in the mood for them and can afford a college education for them, those children will be more loved, happier, and better adjusted, and you’ll have strong family ties.
What happened to all those promises?
They failed because they don’t follow the Torah’s wisdom.
Can our own families and marriages be better off if we don’t use that wisdom?
GOT A LIFE?
What is the purpose of marriage?
First and foremost, marriage means I have an important life to live and I need someone to share it with.
It is not correct that marriage creates for you a life. Marriage brings you the partner for your life. So if you have no life, why are you dragging another person into your problem?
So, first, define what your life is. What’s precious about it?
Then find someone who shares those ideals and values. When you find that person, you will have found a partner in your life…
TO READ THE REST OF RABBI MANIS FRIEDMAN’S LIFE-CHANGING SHIDDUCH AND MARITAL ADVICE, SUBSCRIBE TO THE N’SHEI CHABAD NEWSLETTER TODAY AT NsheiChabadNewsletter.com
The article refers to the use of a shadchan as being part of the Torah way of life. What is the Torah source for this?
Chazal (our Rabbis) teach us that Yaacov wasn’t allowed to leave Israel, and that is why someone had to go and bring his bride to him.
The only case in the Torah of an actual shiduch was with Yishmael – his mother found him a wife from Egypt.
In correspondence regarding shidduchim, The Rebbe would cross out the term “to go out” and would replace it with “to meet” for obvious reasons. Let us adhere to the standards of tznius & sensitivity in dibbur that The Rebbe set for us, which will certainly lead to improved ma’aseh l’poel. So, instead of saying “my child is going out with someone”, let’s try to say “my child is meeting someone”. Just a suggestion of one simple person.
Clearly this is a teaser – posted in part here to prompt people to buy the newsletter and read in full!
To all those bal tshuvas (and kids of bal tshuva): Stop looking at who won’t marry you, and look for some one who will. Hashem has your bashert prepared. It’ll be someone you can be proud of. (Iy”H soon.)
You won’t be happy with any explanation so why ask?
sorry to say, but #9 is right Gezer or just plain ffb very rarely date bal tshuvas kids unless they have $$.
Why are my kids considered bal tshuvas when they are actually FFB? Its my husband and I that are the bal tshuvas. Can someone explain this please?
I have been a huge fan of Manis since I was 16. Thats 15 years of pretty much agreeing with every word he says. Even if I don’t like it at time, I just cannot deny his Torah logic.
I wish he had more venues to spread the truth.
I could listen to him all day.
This is sooo right!
if only this article was actually wise and there was wisdom in it.
But sadly there is not. a bochur calling a girl “mousy” and blaming that on the lack of using a shadchan is just asinine. How about we teach our children, and we teach young adults to interact with each other in a mentlach manner… trust me, when they are married they will need to know how to do that. There will be no shadchan.
The Rabbi may have some good points but how can he make such outlandish promises? There are many who wait months just to get a phone call, let alone a date, what does that have to do with dating and views on marriage?! Changing your view on dating vs marriage may be a helpful tip but it will not help those who are not on the top of the list get the attention of those that they rely on for their future. My personal opinion is that everyone who’s looking for a shidduch should not limit themselves to any one… Read more »
Hey, genius, did you notice the three little dots at the end of that quote that’s got you do convinced you know better? Do you know what those three little dots are telling you, oh esteemed reader? Did you bother to give it a second thought before diving head first into the “comment” section? You see, genius, those three innocent little dots means there’s more to it than that and this was just a teaser. And if you want to be a responsible commentator, you owe it to all the readers here to behave more maturely. So, dear genius, go… Read more »
Thank you Rabbi Friedman to speak out on this terrible tragedy that is delaying “yichlooh neshomos shebaguf” and brigning down shechinah through Ish veisha”. The goyishe values have sipped deep deep inside out veins so that the numbers of shiduchim amongst the huge population is tiny even amongst “chassidishe bochurim”.
that is the real problem…
the pureblood and the mudblood…
Rabbi Friedman is a rock star
He just speak nice, and that’s where it finishes, by him speaking, in these few lines…….
“Then find someone who shares those ideals and values. When you find that person, you will have found a partner in your life”….. he makes it sound as a business deal, Well its not a bussiness partnership……… there is clearly Hamshochas Halev involved and according to the Rebbeh that the main thing.
Girls learn a lot abt marriage. Bayis yehudi classes. What’s improtant- how important building a jewish home based on the teachings of chassidus s. How to be king and giving to ur husband…. but do the bochurim learn anything abt marriage? Or do they just go out- b/c that’s the right/chassidush/in thing to do? Are they even ready? Are they ready to give to this relationship? To do all they can to build a jewish family? I could be wrong but I feel that lots of bochurim don’t learn as much as they should! And that they r not ready… Read more »
either subscribe now at nsheichabadnewsletter.com or buy an issue on Kingston Ave – issue coming out IYH next week.
THERE ISN’T A SHIDDUCH CRISIS, THERE’S A LUBAVITCH CRISIS AND TWO WORLDS LIVE WITHIN IT.
THEY ARE GEZHER AND BAAL TESHUVA AND NEVER THE TWAIN SHALL MEET! UNLESS THE LATTER IS SUPER RICH, ,,,,,,V’DAI L’MAIVIN
Rabbi Friedman is just incredible! He pinpoints the exact problem in today’s society and I’m looking forward to read the whole article. Yasher koach!
Maybe there’s a marriage crisis, but there is also a shidduch crisis. I am in my thirties and willing to do what it takes to make a marriage work; have always been. Unfortunately, I don’t “qualify” in most people’s eyes due to family circumstances. I suppose there is no shidduch crisis for Rabbi Friedman and the other “untouchables” of Chabad, so that means it doesn’t exist.
I went to judaica world today and only saw the previous issue for sale? When’s it getting to the stores? I want a copy
Thank you!
There are few topics that Rabbi Friedman knows better than this one. Kudos on these very insightful and wise words.
Time to tell our boys and girls that THE WAY TO SECURE THE COMPATIBILITY & ROMANCE they find in their respective dates is through the Torah way of life.
has the most beautiful picture of the Rebbe.
boys and girls dont know how good it is to get married!