by Devora Krasnianski, founder of Adai Ad
Undoubtedly, we all have challenges in our lives. But, at least on the surface, some people’s challenges are more profound, and – in the arena of shidduchim – too often become a basis for wonderful people not to be given the opportunity as a potential shidduch.
True, some people’s lives seem complicated, as they carry “heavy-duty” adversity – be it physical or mental illness, abuse, finances, family issues, and so on. And, of course, every person responds differently to their life experiences. But I’d like to pose the question as to whether we “write people off” too quickly, without considering how the person’s challenges actually turned them into a better person – potentially making them a better spouse, parent, friend – a mentch.
We know the line “what doesn’t kill us – makes us stronger.” For many, their very hardship and misfortune compelled them to dig deep, resulting in their finding inner strength and resilience. Going through adversity has made them kinder, more empathetic and responsible. They are more evolved as their experiences have built self-awareness, helped them to better see another person’s perspective, and strengthened their emunah.
And they flourish. Not despite their challenges, but because of them!
Through their life experience, they have the confidence that they’re capable of handling whatever comes their way. To overcome their challenge, they received support… and know the power of receiving and giving help when needed.
They engaged in professional counseling and learned stronger mindsets and skills to navigate through life.
They are in tune with their thoughts and emotions and know how to communicate those productively.
They experienced disappointment… and know how to accept and move forward.
Of course, some people haven’t worked through their trauma or struggle, and perhaps that is not something you’re prepared to deal with. However, shouldn’t we embrace those who have turned their pain into growth? Shouldn’t we learn to see it as the positive that it is?
Shouldn’t we embrace these warriors?
Thanks for putting into words what so many wish they could say
The Freierdiker Rebbe discusses it in basi legani – Hiskafya v’hishapcha. Usually humanity will take a negative experience try to “get back” at that person that “gave it” to them. Society has to transform that way of thinking as the Alter Rebbe expresses it in Tanya to learn from Yosef and his brothers. Now remember Yosef DID punish Shimon BUT that didn’t stop Yosef HATZADDIK from BEING Yosef HATZADDIK!
Sure we should embrace and honor and respect warriors. That doesn’t change compatibility or lack thereof. That doesn’t create necessarily spousal material.
U r correct, still I think the gist of this specific article that compatibility shouldnt be decided based only on the fact that a person has a known challenge before marriage.
We all wish we could have perfect spouses, but unfortunately as some discover, challenges come up for people after marriage, too. Compatibility is so complex and not based on 1 single factor.
Couples need to appreciate each other fully and accept the packages they come with and c their strengths too!
Everyone has challenges. Some have bigger and some have smaller. But writing off someone because of their challenges is very interesting because everyone goes through them.
Met with 3 shadchanim in CH a year and a half ago, so far only one of them suggested me one person (last year. Didn’t work out). So far, it’s quite here. Curious to know if any other bachurim experiencing same issue. (If it matters, both parents chabad (ffb). I see a different crisis and I wonder how many other bachurim going through the same. Maybe not. Idk
It takes constant effort to find one’s beshert like looking for a lost object. Networking is key to getting one’s name out there. Leave no stone unturned. Seek out every avenue accessible to you to find your other half. Surround yourself with positive and supportive people to help you on your journey. Sending all those on the search many brochos of hatzlacha!!!!
Perhaps you are already doing so, but it’s a good idea to check in with those shadchanim from time to time to refresh their memory. Bracha v’hatzlacha in finding your beshert very soon!!
Most shadchanim I’ve met with send a couple profiles, and I never hear from them again. You really got to remind them to get anywhere. And use as many as possible since they only know so many people.
Yes I’m going through the same thing you need to take your own initiative, make friends get invited to Shabbas tables with single girls, maybe you are a nice girl in the grocery store like Empire Kosher don’t be ashamed to say hi. If you know your intentions are only good and in a decent manner go for it Bochur!!!!
Get yourself some shadchanim who actually work. You shouldn’t only have gotten one suggestion.
Most shiduchim do not come from official shadchanim. They come from friends, relatives, neighbors, colleagues. You have to continuously network. People are human and busy, and forget you. Remind people that you are looking for a shiduch.
THis post was about seeing potential in another person. Irrelevant whether you know of the other person through a shadchan, dating app or personal encounter. So the silence in your dating life whiel waiting fro leads from a shadchan really have nothing to do with this post – unless there’s between your lines a message that perhaps you have some personality quirk that others might find superficially off-putting, and your shadchanim should read and heed this post, and actively push you as a wonderful marriage candidate. ok. Do note, though, that your finding a mate need not be someone else’s… Read more »
Practice what you preach
And people don’t ask for their challenges. And when they overcome them and don’t let their challenges get them down, these people become the most beautiful, kindest, wholesome amongst us.
People who overcome challenges are heroes and should be commended
Yet when you hear from someone has challenges in the mental health department (serious depression at some point, for example) and they are “normal” now – one is still fearful what life with this person will be and whether the issues will come back in full force later in life…
In life we will always have issues It’s everyone’s right to choose which issues in a spouse they’re open to and which they don’t think they can handle It’s common feel afraid to marry someone who has struggled with mental health, but I think what people forget is that people who have struggled with mental health can be so healthy, self aware, and know themselves and what to do if they’re in crisis. They’re also usually more open to getting help which is an amazing thing. Marrying someone who hasn’t had mental health challenges isn’t necessarily a guarantee that you… Read more »
Mental health issues can come up for anyone. Both someone who’s experienced it in the past and someone who hasnt. You sound like you need an education. Maybe talk to a few people who’ve worked on their mental health. Maybe dont refer to people as “normal”. Does that mean someone who is experiencing mental health issues isnt “normal”? If u break your leg are you not “normal”? No. If you break your leg you are a person with a broken leg. If you’re experiencing mental health issues you’re a person experiencing mental health issues. Of course if you thought someone… Read more »
I hear your point yet at the same time we have no guarantees about anything life can bring in the next minute never mind later in life… if someone with a mental health isssue is suggested don’t throw away the opportunity to spend your life with some of the most sensitive and caring individuals……do your research educate yourself, ask the Rebbe, daven and leave the rest up to the Aibershter.
I hear your point yet at the same time we have no guarantees about anything life can bring in the next minute never mind later in life… if someone with a mental health isssue is suggested don’t throw away the opportunity to spend your life with some of the most sensitive and caring individuals……do your research educate yourself, ask the Rebbe, daven and leave the rest up to the Aibershter.
yes, but there’s also a chance that healthy/mentally healthy people will develop issues later in life. here, they already know how to deal with their issues and have a whole system in place.
So well put! I’m so grateful for your meaningful words!! Great perspective!
As we have seen countless times in this generation, are people who don’t put in the extra effort, which often requires tremendous emunah and Bitochin, but rather use ‘personality disorder’ or ‘incurable mental issues’ as an exuse to throw good people away…
It should be noted there is not one sicha or one letter from the Rebbe which advises anybody to separate from another Jew on the grounds of ‘personality disorder’ or ‘incurable mental issues’
Have you lived with a spouse with personality disorder? If not then please don’t give such detrimental advice. It is virtually impossible to get them to see a normal perspective and they will likely be extremely abusive and controlling. I would recommend staying as far away as possible
Mental health issue are not resolved without intervention.
Apparently you are not knowledgeable in any of this
Thanks Devorie K for shedding light on such an important topic. For example,many children of divorced homes have gotten the proper help and direction through good therapy. Those children will be healthier and attentive spouses because they are more aware of what a healthy relationship should be. They have done self introspection,have learned proper communication and were exposed to the concept of self growth. They also understand the importance of going to a third party for help when necessary. There are any children that grow up witnessing very unhealthy marriages.The couple may be stuck or not strong enough to leave… Read more »
After being encouraged from friends, started using Jswipe over the past months and hopefully never going back to shadchanim. BH getting way better results after years of dependence on a broken system.
Super curious:
are you a normative lubavitcher, and does it work for you within the Lubavitch community?
Social networking seems to work quite nicely in the Chabad community, so long as you steer clear of “professional” shadchanim.
Thank you for writing about this! I have been saying this forever! When people reject from families with special kids or divorce or young deaths or health issues, I say how lucky you can see how they reacted and responded to these challenges.
Thank you for this eye opener
People have to read this!
Is a bigger stigma in Lubavitch than mental health
Both are very stigmatized.
However, when the first question that parents ask is, “Are they on medication?” it says something. Most parents don’t even want to hear the name if the person is taking any kind of psychiatric medication, even a basic antidepressant. (Which, by the way, most of the community is on anyway.Wake up, people.)
Just make sure the premise of this article is correct – that the person is actually stronger because of their struggles. Too often, the person isn’t, and the spouse and family all suffer. Everyone has challenges, sometimes we see them, sometimes we don’t. But when you see them, make sure you know what you’re doing, because this is your life, and being politically correct doesn’t help when you’re challenged to be a single parent because of your spouse’s mental illness