By Hadassah Chen
“Ma, how will people know about me? who is going to marry me?”
I remember asking my mom that question when I was about 16 years old. Her reply? “Don’t worry darling, people will call us asking about you, and we will protect you like a diamond, choosing only the best for you!”
But then the years passed and I had gone out with all types of guys – Lubavitch and non-Lubavitch, Sephardic and Ashkenazic. Soon I began hearing it all – clock ticking, aging, desperate, weird, too tall, too curly, too big, too outgoing, too foreign (I’m Italian), etc. Maybe there was something wrong with me!
By the time I reached 28 years old, my younger sisters were both married and my parents would have me go out with any Jewish male as long as I got married. For them, walking me down the aisle would finally put an end to the question, “why isn’t she married yet?”
Diamond times were gone. I was stuff to be sold now and on sale if they could…
By then, everyone around me was slowly giving up on me. For a moment, I was about to as well. I felt I was 110 years old, yet my face when I looked at the mirror was still the face of a child full of dreams and projects. No, I said one day while staring at myself in the morning light, I am not giving up on me!
The following day, I went on my last date before my bashert came around. Let me explain.
The date was set up by people who both knew us. I said to myself, ‘this is my last date, if I like it or if I not, I am marrying him!’
He showed up, nice and welcoming. He was at least 10 cm shorter than me. We started chatting and time just flew by. I learned that he was funny and was a talented opera singer.
As our date was coming to an end, I thanked him and headed home.
He wasn’t what I looking for and there wasn’t a click for me. But I swallowed my pride and thought that he’ll probably be a great dad, he has an interesting job, he’s incredibly funny. At least we’ll laugh a lot!
When I got home, I had to hold my tears. I was going to be happy in front of my parents and tell them that the date went well and I had found IT… I mean, HIM, found him…yes!
I so desperately wanted to make my parents happy and have them to stop worrying about me, that I was ready to sacrifice myself for them. My mother hugged me and asked me the famous question, “How was it?” My answer? “Great ma. I think this is it… You don’t have to worry any longer, I think I found him.”
Really? she replied, clearly in shock. She gave a quick glance to my father who as usual was clueless, yet he picked up signs of danger from my voice. I guess I was too unemotional. I went to my bedroom, locked the door and just fell on the floor crying. Who was I fooling – me or them?
My mom knocked, I opened with two big red eyes. She gave me a hug like only mothers know. “You don’t like him,” she stated.
“I do, ma. It has to grow on me,” I insisted. “I have to get used to it, so he’s a little shorter, and a little wide, but we might look good together.”
Why are you doing this?
“For you ma,” I said, crying like a child in her arms. “I don’t want you to worry anymore. I don’t want to be a burden for you and Ta. I’m done with this shidduch game. I want it to be over. I will marry this guy and I will make the most to be happy with him.”
The next morning, my mom calls me to her room and looked happy in a funny way. “It’s the first time I am happy to announce that the boy thinks you are not meant for one another. He does not wish to see you again!”
*
Looking back at that moment today, I realize the role Hashem was playing here. I believe that because I was ready to make a sacrifice just so my parents can be happy, Hashem sent me my bashert pretty fast. 3 days later, to be exact.
My mom soon got a call from a friend telling her about a guy called Yossi Chen. My mom handed me the phone and said, “You are old enough talk to them.” I answer saying straight away, “thank you, but no thank you, I am not going out on dates, Toda!”
I was met with a silence which was followed with, “he’s a Lubavitcher, has brains and is tall and handsome.”
I wasn’t buying it. I don’t believe you, I childishly said. There doesn’t exist a guy for me. My mom says there’s a cover for every pot. But I’m a frying pan!
Eventually, I did give in and ended up going out with Yossi Chen a few nights later. In the middle of the date, my mom called, wondering how it was going. To her surprise, I told her we were still on the date and it was going very well.
When I managed to look into his eyes when I sat across him in a little restaurant in Yaffo, I knew right then… this is the guy I was waiting for.
It went so well that Yossi and I recently celebrated our 15th wedding anniversary.
Today, when I get calls for shidduchim I find my self talking to parents who tell me… we want only the best, my daughter is precious, a diamond, we select so many boys, she’s unique…
We all want the best for our children, but we need to be real too.
Here’s what I learned: Most of the parents I spoke to who wanted perfection, had to end up settling. Those who were ready to settle, got the best!
Thank you so much for sharing!!
Thanks for the chizuk!!
Much happiness!!
Thank you for the chizuk!
Thank you for sharing your story.
But, for every story like yours, there are about 5 others with the other outcome. They’re still single. It doesn’t always work out in the end.
Hashem has a plan for everyone. I am a grandmother. One classmate waited till about 30 to get married. In my sister’s classes, 1 never married. My daughter has a few 29-30 year old friends still seeking their bashert – but it will IY”H happen!
There are many of my friends that tried to make other people happy and only a few caught it on time the others either are married and unhappy or divorced. The moral is don’t make anyone else happy make sure you are happy! it’s your life..
Love your story and a lot of good points . Ps you ain’t no frying pan my friend 😘
Nice lesson and a glimpse of hope
Really enjoyed your writing! Humorous and entertaining
You write how unhappy you felt at the thought of settling but end off your article basically saying that people should just settle and stop looking for perfection….how does this align?
you right sounds a bit contradictive! but I say also in the end of the article “stop looking for perfection” its a message to parents, (myself as well), the pressure we can put our children to get the “best” will make the children cs make a wrong choice just to release pressure, but being more “open to options” could make you “fall” into what seems like settling but ends up being the best. Hope its clearer. be well!
My heart fell a bit when I got to the end and you wrote that we should “settle”. Thanks for clarifying and thanks for sharing your story!!
The pressure we singles feel from our parents’ hopes and sorrow is such a huge burden to carry that is almost never addressed. Thank you so much for sharing.
Reading your comments I totally hear you, not all stories end like mine and I myself have friends who married because they felt under pressure and made a wrong choice. I will write on that as well, it’s a topic for sure to “talk” about. I am sorry if I came across too flaky maybe for some, I write exactly the way I feel and felt, bh I was lucky, but I always believe the best has yet to come, and hope for you too 🙂 . Have a great day. Hadassah p.s. for private answers you can write to… Read more »
Dear Hadassah I loved this write up and feel it was important to share with all that want to read. No one person has the same journey or path, but just reading yours should give hope to all that H-shem runs the world and we should look to the future with hope. Take care and best wishes, Jacqueline ChanaLeah Nunez
thank you dear Jacqueline, we miss you…
@HadassahChen – I am Very Happy for you❣️ I recognized your name immediately, as I am one of @Eitan Freilich’s fans/ friends in the U.S.. Yasher Koach & continued peace & happiness with your Bashert!🙏🏻🙏🏻
While I appreciate your honestly in sharing your story and background, I find your advice extremely dangerous. Marriage is not a goal in an of itself. It is a journey and the wedding is only the start. A healthy marriage requires two people who, as different as they may potentially be, have common goals and views in the most important areas. While there is no question that there is no one perfect and one must be honest with themselves as to their non-negotiables and aware of their own limitations, finding the “right” person for someone is by no means “settling.”… Read more »
She clarified her last lines in a comment but thank you for sharing this… so so important and reassuring for singles to hear!
If you wrote dating articles with your experience and advice as a marriage therapist I would read every word 🙂
I thank you first for taking the time to share your view from a professional point of view! my article was meant to be humorous and in no mean, I’m giving here classes on how to marry, I know how hard is the time of shidduchim from a girls point of view and parent too, and I try to alleviate by sharing my funny true stories. You have to read me between the lines though, as my “settling” here in the end punch line is meant to be the opposite of its meaning but I chose to use it sarcastically.… Read more »
I understand you were using the term “settling” it in the context you mention, but to clarify, I am not just referring to the final sentence (and nonetheless, words matter so the wrong word should never be used, even in jest). What would have happened if the previous date had wanted to continue? There is so much pressure, especially for “older” singles to marry, that had your mother been so excited and had the man wanted to continue, it sounds as if you would have been willing to push yourself into a life-long commitment with someone you knew was wrong,… Read more »
That is exactly why I HAD to share it, because I know personally good friends who fell in that mistake and did get married and eventually got divorced that I shared my story. Again I say, bh I was lucky as if could have ended in a different way for me so with my story I want to give hope… the real guy might just be around the corner, the right one! just trust Hashem.