The Greatest Difference Between Then and Now

By Rabbi Yossie Denburg – Head Shliach of Coral Springs and Dean of Lubavitch Hebrew Academy (LHA) in Margate, Florida

This past week, 52 principals and administrators from all over the country participated in a leadership conference organized by the Menachem Education Foundation and hosted by our school, Lubavitch Hebrew Academy.

Of all the participants, only one other person (besides myself) has been involved in education for four consecutive decades.

He was my classmate in the 1970s, so I asked him to identify the greatest difference between then and now.

His response was one word: parents.

That was the answer.

Here is the explanation: Forty years ago, parents used to be on the school’s side. Today, they think they are on the child’s side. Sadly, they are truly not benefitting their child – not in the scheme of life and not even for one school year.

Contemporary parenting is filled with unacknowledged insecurity. On the outside, we exude confidence; on the inside, we are forever second-guessing our decisions. We must be great parents (we tell ourselves): Look how much energy we expend, how exhausted we are. Certainly, more than our parents ever did. Ergo: we must be doing a better job.

And yet, by objective measures, we aren’t. And we don’t understand why.

We purchased more parenting books. Unlike our parents, we would never spank or punish our children, though our parents did. Still, most of us ended up in pretty good shape. We married, made and kept friends, held down jobs, and created lives in which others could depend on us. We assumed it was despite our parents’ primitive childrearing practices.

So, we changed course. We became amateur shrinks, used soft voices, asked our young how they felt, and invited them to weigh in on our parental choices. It never occurred to us that unconditional positivity and deep listening may be feasible from a therapist for a single fifty-minute session per week but less practicable for parents interacting with kids for hundreds of thousands of hours. We assumed with faith (but without evidence) that gentler parenting would produce thriving children. Shouldn’t flowers bloom in powdered sugar? Turns out, they grow best in dirt.

Not so long ago, we practiced a more masculine parenting style (even Moms did). This was called ‘knock-it-off’ parenting. Children who fought were instructed to “Work it out yourselves,” and mishaps with, “You’ll live.” Then, parents’ loving included the insistence that their children get back on the horse and ride on.

This refrain didn’t suffice for all misbehavior. But in the main, it put the onus on kids to figure out what was wrong with their conduct and desist. It credited them with common sense or nudged them to develop it. Rules had exceptions, but “Work it out” signaled a parent’s disinclination to become entangled in every minute problem. Ultimately, we knew our children had to master this art to keep a job and become self-reliant adults.

It didn’t solve the worst problems, but this tough love did provide emotional nourishment, resilience, and courage. Today, this has been supplanted with ‘bad rewards.’ A young mother struggling with a recalcitrant child pleads, “Please be a good boy for just five minutes, and when we get home, I’ll let you do anything you want.”

Here is the modern parenting trap that guarantees more bad behavior. It’s always therapeutic, meaning nonjudgmental. Parents are supposed to understand a child’s frustration, but it is never (G-d forbid) the child’s job to learn to control his impulses because today’s parents are only allowed to give choices, not orders.

It’s unfortunate that objections to a child’s bad behavior, like jumping on the sofa, are merely that it is ‘unsafe.’ Mom can’t possibly say, “Don’t jump; you’ll break it.” Or even, “Don’t jump on things that don’t belong to you.” Undoubtedly, this child will one day break someone else’s sofa without regret because they were never told it was wrong. This is the inevitable result of psycho-parenting.

Leading up to the drama of Purim, Esther, who had neither father nor mother, was raised by her older cousin Mordechai. After being taken to the king’s harem and crowned Queen, Mordechai instructed her not to reveal her Jewish identity. This state of affairs lasted for nine long years before the events that led to her denouncing the wicked Haman and divulging her nationality to Achashverosh. To accomplish this, she deftly concealed her religious practices with carefully crafted ruses. Can you imagine the repressed emotions, the suppressed activities? Not being able to share her turmoil? A lonely island in a sea of people!

Her position, had it been made public, could have helped so many. Family, friends, co-religionists. Instead, she was directed to “zip-it-up’ and ‘suck-it-in’. How uncool! How unfair! How emotionally constraining that must have been? And yet, she turned out not just personally healthy but a perennial heroine. Wow!

The younger generation of parents labels me old-fashioned, a designation I accept with honor. They also condemn me as being out of touch with the needs of today’s children. Actually, having been in the children-business for forty years, I have discovered (for the most part) what works and what doesn’t. And that hasn’t changed. What has changed are parents.

Perhaps it is time we should be less dismissive of our fathers’ foibles and our mothers’ mistakes and reflect on their proven track record.