Speaking to Kids About Pittsburgh

By Rabbi Nochem Kaplan, Director of the Merkos Chinuch Office

General Suggestions:

The principal (or his/her surrogate) should address the students and acknowledge everyone’s pain and fears.
* It is important to stress that this was a terrible, but isolated tragedy.
* It is normal to be fearful and concerned.
* The school is taking further actions to ensure everyone’s safety.
* The Rebbe always stressed that we should perform acts of goodness and kindness to address such fears (the school can make suggestions as to what is appropriate).
* The children should do/learn Torah, Tefilla and Tzedoka at an assembly.

As an approach to understanding the psychological trauma, the following written analysis of the issue is presented herewith. It is based on direction provided by the crisis intervention, trauma and bereavement department of Chai Lifeline:

Schools have a dubious distinction of having to deal with children who have been traumatized by events which they don’t understand and are unequipped to deal with.

Death, under any circumstance, is a painful and troubling event to face. When young people learn about the death of someone whom they knew, in particular if they have not encountered loss before, our task is somewhat clear.
We are encouraged to open up a dialogue at age-appropriate level,
Listen to the child, observe their emotional expression, and validate their personal reaction.

Depending upon their age and maturity, and upon the questions which they may present, we can offer information. We may correct misunderstandings, clarify concepts, and we can offer support that could potentially provide continuous aid.

As the horrible news from Pittsburgh reverberates across the Jewish world, we are challenged to face our students and to help them process and digest the tragic events. This challenge is much more complex than events which occur in the normal course of life’s events.

Children become accustomed to certain norms concerning their sense of security. With recent events these those feelings of safety have become challenged. We may see changes in their moods, and interpersonal conduct.

Older children may also struggle with existential and spiritual concerns. Young adults have a level of maturity and understanding beyond that of small children. They may experience rage, feeling broken or betrayed by the security (or lack thereof) in the United States of America. They are going to hurt, each in his or her own way, as we adults are hurting too.

The challenge of helping a child or teen calibrate and integrate news of a mass shooting, grotesque murders, intentional taking of lives, is what we must deal with immediately.

Let’s address the layers of personality or of self, which are shaken (rightfully so) when we hear of a murder, and in this terrible incident, a mass murder, which strikes at the Jewish core with its long memory of pogroms, and actions, and bloody stains left by centuries of persecution.

THOUGHTS: We are taught to think that homicide is abhorrent and entirely alien to our way of life. When reality challenges this premise, one normal reaction is to find that the news is literally “unbelievable.” The mind may obsess or dwell persistently on the words, the images, the incongruities of accepting that someone has murdered, someone has been murdered. Those thoughts become hard to shake and create mental stress. Children may say that they cannot stop thinking about it, that they cannot get the image out of their minds. Just like some of us adults. Many remain stuck in that state of “disbelief.”

FEELINGS: People react with a range of emotions upon hearing horrible news. This can depend on age, gender, and on prior exposure to death. Some become numb, and we may notice that a youngster seems subdued and morose. Some become overtly sad and we may see fearfulness, withdrawal and emotional pain. Some become angry and seem to act out with frustration and temper upon hearing about a crime of violence. Others regress, acting out of character, whether by joking about death, or seeming to gloss over the event and distracting themselves with trivial interests. Still others seem to react not at all.

ANXIETY: Many people respond to frightening news with a different level of “feeling” which is actually based in physical and neurological processes called anxiety. They may grow nauseous, they may have trouble sleeping or trouble waking, and they may become inattentive and distracted. They may vocalize raw undifferentiated panic, or specific fears such as fears for their own safety, or the safety of family and loved ones. They may report feeling sick, listless, weak or in pain. They may seem agitated and hyper. They may worry irrationally and uncontrollably. These are anxious reactions which often follow frightening events.

RELIGIOUS TURMOIL: Hearing about a murder or intentional avoidable killing can infiltrate one’s spiritual process. Some react by becoming intensely enveloped in a “religious behavior”, even compulsively, with vows to (as an example) daven with immense concentration or excessive frequency, or to make profound commitments to “never do ______ again” or to “always do ________from now on.” Some feel a spiritual dulling, and express a loss of drive or conviction about religious practices. Some have profound spiritual crises and questions and seek answers.

The reality is that the range of reactions outlined above are all “normal” ways of trying to grapple with highly abnormal information. The bottom line is that we as contemporary American Jews are not conditioned to consider that homicide can occur among us. It runs far contrary to our beliefs, our traditions, our values and our cultural self-image as a nation which abhors those things which the Torah and “moral society” have always condemned. It is shocking, and it is difficult not to lapse into a judging mode upon learning that a homicide has happened. While our moral conscience promotes that reflexive and strong view, it is also very important, especially as teachers and as parents, to be attentive to those other layers of functioning – the thoughts, the feelings, the anxiety and the soul – which are always activated when hearing grotesque information.

The following are helpful guidelines to help address a child or teen’s reactions:

1. Talk with them.

Do not assume that they will reach out, but rather be proactive. Ask them if they have heard about the event. Encourage them to maintain a dialogue with you about what they know, and what they do not. At a level, pace and degree which is appropriate to their age and maturity, respond to questions they may have, and correct misinformation which might be troubling them (i.e. “I heard that they did not catch the person”; “I heard that the person is going to kill more people”), and give them reassurance as to their safety.

2. The school retains its responsibility to educate a child about right and wrong.

Assert to the pondering child that murder is wrong. Assert that this is not our way of life or any way of life. Focus less on the person(s) involved in the crime and more on the concept. Refrain from editorial statements about the person(s) which only serve to distract from the issues which may need your attention. Caution against needless rumoring and gossip, which likewise distracts from the more important psychological issues and reactions. Reassure your children that they are safe and that this is not at all common.

3. Steer clear of misleading moralizing, disciplinary, or judgmentally toned messages.

Such messages can be “now you know why we are not allowed to get angry at people” or “every time you embarrass another person it is just like murder.” Now is not the moment to inspire or scold your child in any way. Now is the time to support and nurture them, and console their fears and sadness. Stay focused on the present.

4. Assure that your child is maintaining a routine.

This includes eating, sleeping, rising, and keeping up with school attendance and other responsibilities. Structure is healing. Normality is soothing. Be patient and gentle but help them return to regular functioning.

5. Younger children need to know that they are safe and that they should voice their feelings.

Younger children need to ask their questions and be given short answers that satisfy their concerns and are sensible. Older teens need to voice their philosophical musings and to be heard, while also presenting them with alternative ways of approaching matters. Avoid arguing, disapproving, scolding or guilt-tripping when a child shares their views. Validate, as outlined earlier. Normalize, meaning helping a child see that what they are experiencing is a normal reaction (unless of course, you are candidly worried about a child’s strange behavior; when you are uncertain about how to understand a specific reaction, consult with our crisis team!).

6. Offer encouragement.

A person’s initial reactions will change with time, and it is helpful to point out to a child that what they are now experiencing is a normal stage, and that they will likely have different thoughts and feelings and attitudes as the days pass. Be open for each child to speak with you, and check in with them regularly. Do not assume that a child’s silence means that they are not struggling. Do not “pathologize” and assume that a child’s reactions are indicative of deeper problems. But consult with our staff when you are not clear.

7. Allow your children to have their spiritual and religious reactions but aim to help them regulate their thoughts and behaviors rather than adopt extreme changes.

Offer them the opportunity to discuss their confusion with a trusted religious authority or mentor. Address spiritual matters yourself, provided that you are able to tune in to what your children are dealing with rather than clouding matters with your own internal agendas. You are there to guide them, to educate them, to encourage and inspire them. That is the role of parents and teachers.

8. Keep in mind that children and their parents will likely turn to you for clarity as to how to help children overcome this trauma.

Even when you too are in turmoil and emotional upheaval because of the extent of tragedy around you at this time, be there for those who look up to you. Validate feelings. Listen to thoughts and fears and worries. Tolerate their rage, their nauseous disgust and their trepidation about safety and security. Accept their angry reactions. Offer them the powerful support of “circling their wagons” at this fearsome time by reaching forth to one another, being caring and supportive, acknowledging and identifying with the pain and dread of their fellow students, their friends, their community. Do not insist that they “be strong” yet model for them your own faith and your conviction that there is grief but also justice in our world.

At all ages: caution is important at this time. Security guards, patrols, communication with law enforcement, other preventative steps, might all be given consideration right now. Taking steps to seek appropriate guidance from our leaders and those who liaison with civic authorities is part of role as adults in seeking the safety of our families.

Speaking about our “role” as adults, let us also be clear that beyond our responsibility to our children and students, we also must be “there” for ourselves in the wake of horrible events.

Remember that the ways in which a child is “walked through” a crisis or trauma will shape the ways in which they will respond to subsequent life challenges. Your words, your demeanor, your honesty, your sincerity and your respectfulness can teach them resiliency and can equip them with tools and skills for coping and handling the stresses which life will bring them later on.

May Hashem guard and protect our people and may we know of no more suffering.

We invite you to contact us if you have any questions or need further suggestions or guidance at [email protected] or 855-3-CRISIS