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Sunday, 22 Elul, 5779
  |  September 22, 2019

Singles Don’t Choose to be Single

From the COLlive inbox: A common saying is that "Singles choose to be single." But a single Chabad woman explains why not. Full Story

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Thank you
Guest
Thank you

Thank you! So true

Very relatable!
Guest
Very relatable!

Sadly I was able to relate to every single thing you wrote 🙁 well written article.

Singles Don't Choose to be Single
Guest
Singles Don't Choose to be Single

Wow! I was blown away and deeply moved reading this beautifully written article! I am sure so many people will identify with the heartfelt and eloquent words. I hope people reading this will understand the message and take note to stop and think how to go about addressing a single in future. A positive, kind and sensitive approach is the only way…Kol ha kovod to the author….

hurts so much
Guest
hurts so much

if you are in a place of so much pain,
you need to speak to someone to help you gain a fresh perspective

Agree on the most
Guest
Agree on the most

But let’s not also forget that whilst it’s of utmost importance to be sensitive to another’s feelings, sometimes people need a reality check,a little shock to get them see they need to actually do something to change the situation..they maybe stagnant but again it has to come from a place of caring and love for the person and their situation.

Anonymous
Guest
Anonymous

Wow so well written!!!!

the attitude that keeps a person single
Guest
the attitude that keeps a person single

1. While perhaps a person doesnt make a conscious decision to be single sometimes theres the attitude and outlook which affects their decisions. This article exactly represents the mindset of a single who is caught up in their personal pain and how everyone else doesnt understand them and is not compassionate enough ie. that they are doing everything right and they just didnt find their match. If this is so, then why when I try to make shidduchim for all my older single friends do they come up with the silliest reasons why they dont want to research or go… Read more »

bH thank you!
Guest
bH thank you!

i am also on the older side, and can really relate to what you wrote. may you find your bashert soon and very easily, and all of us, without any hurt in the process!

Right on target
Guest
Right on target

Thank you for speaking on behalf of so many of us singles. Each word each paragraph was right ton target. I hope this brings some sensitivity to those struggling. The last paragraph couldn’t have been said better- each time a single goes through yomtov, another simcha in the family or even more ones own birthday- A single can feel at their lowest, and most people don’t notice it ! Feelings of loneliness, and yearning to have a family of their own while watching other families around the table. Please do whatever you can to take 15 minutes and just think… Read more »

Thank you
Guest
Thank you

This article has taken the words right out of my mouth whoever you are thanks for putting my feelings out there I couldn’t agree more with your points. May we all be single no more and find our soul mates this month!

Thank you
Guest
Thank you

The author wrote with such compassion and understanding. Now another oped is needed to teach people abt specific nuances people who have never been through this nisayon don’t realize (I’m talking basics… how long it can take to actually get a date with someone, the judging comment a cousin told you that her neighbor said, what happens when you show the slightest weakness, the making kidush on your own week after week because you can’t face being a guest again, the well-meaning people who tiptoe around you, the constant loneliness, the living in CH and CH only, the hope and… Read more »

Touched by this article
Guest
Touched by this article

Very true.

Thank you.

Good for you
Guest
Good for you

For allowing yourself to be aware of your pain. May you find a shidduch soon!

Beautifully expressed
Guest
Beautifully expressed

There are many difficult things that people go through and the author expresses the difficulty of being single and being in pain and yet not being able to talk about that pain very beautifully. Thank you for helping me understand it is important to be there for singles and let them talk about the difficulties without judging or giving musar. Of course people should be able to say they are in pain without fear that it will make their situation worse. May all the singles who need shidduchim find them soon.

Numbers 5 and  7
Guest
Numbers 5 and 7

There you go again. Self righteous judgement.
Exactly what the author means.

#7 Bingo!
Guest
#7 Bingo!

One month I was by the Ohel because I was single, 3 months later I was back because I was having doubts about marrying my Chassan, 3 months later I was back because we were having some serious Shalom Bayis problems, then I was back for a difficult pregnancy and the Nisyonas continue. We all have difficulty in every stage of life and need to work on our Amunah and Hiskashrus at every stage.

No One Can Understand This Pain...
Guest
No One Can Understand This Pain...

That has not experienced it….. just as #7 has so poignantly demonstrated, no one can understand the struggles each one of us endures, unless we have “been there”. We must take solace in the fact that … 1) no one is given a struggle he cannot overcome ..2) with regard to this struggle in particular, we cannot just wait for Mr. right (or even Mr. OK), to come our way(there was no one brought to this planet for the sole purpose of being your Mr. right… if nothing’s worked until now…. perhaps it’s time to initiate change in YOURAELF, and… Read more »

Everyone wants to get married
Guest
Everyone wants to get married

And have a loving healthy home . No one really wants to be single but it’s not easy to many to find the right Shiduch. People could make it easy for all the singles by saying a word that gives hope or love .

To #7
Guest
To #7

Yes we all have nisyonos. Somebody pointing out a particular nisayon and asking for sensitivity where it is often absent, is notmnevating anybody else’s nisayon. We don’t always have to one-up someone in pain by painting a picture of others’ pain. It’s so much more kind to just listen and say “I hear you. I’ll think about ways that I personally can be more sensitive.”

To Number 7
Guest
To Number 7

What kind of self absorbed outlook do you have on life? Would you compare having troubles in finding the right table for your house the same as getting married? Marriage is one of the most important if not emotional moment in a singles person life (and maybe entire life) find some empathy for those who have not got it yet……. And your single Friend does not represent all singles get out of your self absorbed mindset……. To the writer I hope you find a shidduch and may the community become a little more open minded about older singles, there are… Read more »

Thank you
Guest
Thank you

I would like to add that people should stop judging people who are single. Us single people know that you are judging us & it hurts cause you have no idea what is going on. There are many many factors in a persons life that can be god given obstacles that are stopping this person from getting married. Even if they want to get married there could be a ton of things like god given problems that a person can’t really do much about & it’s not their fault that could be holding this person back from dating & getting… Read more »

Title is inaccurate
Guest
Title is inaccurate

Not to put too fine a point on it, but the title of the article is inaccurate. Singles are single because they have made a series of choices to say “no” to the opportunities that were presented before them, or to say “no” to the opportunity to create the circumstances to make further opportunities available. That is not a judgment on whether they made the right choices or not, it is simply a statement of fact. A more accurate representation of what I assume the author meant to say is that singles would prefer to choose to be married, but… Read more »

Hit the spot
Guest
Hit the spot

Really explains the daily struggle

choices
Guest
choices

My friend’s daughter almost got engaged 3 times. Each time it was so close that one time her mother ordered a hall for lechaim, another time her parents booked tickets to come to the Ohel (luckily) they were able to cancel. ) and a third time she said I am not saying yes to him because I am not so sure that he is the right one and maybe I could do better. (this after 10 dates and he proposed and she said I will let you know tomorrow and said no). So do all singles want to get married?

 Excellently Written
Guest
Excellently Written

Right on target

To 24
Guest
To 24

Yes she definitely wants to get married! Why do u think shes going on dates In the first place. She may be having an issue that needs to be worked on. But that is none of your business unless you want to help.
The article is calling for understanding not judgement. Very well written.

Dan lekaf zchus
Guest
Dan lekaf zchus

It is so easy to judge. Please stop, we know you’re whispering about us and acting worried. We know some of you have our best interests in mind so you push and tell us to look deeper. But it’s not your place to judge. Would you judge a woman for not being pregnant? Shidduchim are min hashamayim, period. Just because you’re an older single doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you, don’t let yourself think that just because everyone else does. They’ve never been there, they don’t know that you haven’t met someone you could marry, or you have… Read more »

Beautifully written!
Guest
Beautifully written!

Thank you so much for speaking out on behalf of so many who feel the same, yet cannot express this idea properly.

This.
Guest
This.

This very much summarized everything that I can never explain. Thank you.

On a personal note...
Guest
On a personal note...

I was single for 13 years in between 3 marriages. While we all have various struggles , I deeply emphasize with the writer, in that there is a certain pain in the emptiness of singlehood that has no equal, and can never be fully understood by one who had not gone through this expierenece
How perceptive is the Torah, in stating “Lo Tov Heyos haadam L’vado” ….It is a constant state of lack….
Wishing you mazel in finding your shiduch

to #20
Guest
to #20

Without minimizing the points brought out in this letter, your example of finding the right table for your house is not at all comparable with the examples #7 gave!

Beautifully Written!
Guest
Beautifully Written!

Finally an intelligent, mature and real-life article written about the difficulties of the Shidduch world. Kudos to the author for expressing the way it really is in such an eloquent and heartfelt way. So many people surely relate to the points that you made.

all this is true , and my heart hurts for her , BUT my head says this:
Guest
all this is true , and my heart hurts for her , BUT my head says this:

the choice seems to be to wait for the Right One, the Bashert, however long it takes, or to jump in with emuna and bitochon. the avoida for singles is gathering the bitochon and absolute determination to perform this mitzvah, that includes shalom bayit, pru urvu, hospitality and more. We need a ZOOM-OUT HERE: this is way bigger than the single finding his/her completion. Am Yisroel needs this couple, all their ancestors need this continuation. In many cases the single man or woman needs to be re-inspired by the grandeur and crucial importance of marriage, and will then have the… Read more »

You are heard
Guest
You are heard

Every person who experiences pain, does so in their unique way. Todays Tanya Igeres 11 tells a powerful truth, each person faces a nisayon. and for each it is existential. So I hesitate to offer a comment that could be read as preaching. In my struggle(not shiduchim) the most acute hurt was being a Rachmanus. Yes objectively I was a big rachmonus. My very good friends would tell me how they loved me with informing me that I was on their davening list. but all I heard was I was … we have Rachmonus on you. It is only after… Read more »

Insensitive comments
Guest
Insensitive comments

Number 24 – Wow, that is just about the stupidest comment I’ve ever heard in a looong time. Not only is it insensitive and hurtful, it totally misses the point of the article!! Would you have rathered this person marry someone she had doubts about and then get divorced?! (After bringing children into the world and ripping apart two families!!) And the point of the article is not saying that every person who is single is perfect and always navigated shidduchim perfectly all the time. All she was asking for is a little understanding, which you obviously don’t have, and… Read more »

What the rebbe told me about shidduchim
Guest
What the rebbe told me about shidduchim

הבטחה יגעת ומצאת אלא שצריך להיות מתוך שמחה ובטחון בהשם
Try and you will find but it should be with joy and trust in hashem

22 and 24
Guest
22 and 24

are you aware of things the singles are told about the one they are going out with, and then the the real truths they are told by the single him or herself?? its honestly scary whats going on today in many so called chasidishe singles lives, and what they are painted to be, by thier own mothers, thier close friends etc…..who either have no idea or hide the truths… you should be proud of your single many times for saying no to such a shiduch and happy they have better aspirations for a chasidishe life. and then once again this… Read more »

to number 7
Guest
to number 7

“everyone has struggles”?
yes
but we married people have someone to share all our struggles with.

Word from the Author
Guest
Word from the Author

I am so gratified to know that I have spoken for many B”H. Thank you, thank you to ALL those who have responded with respect and support. I anticipated the ‘stone throwers’! …. Life is full of them! I had intended to title this letter differently “Shidduchim: The Heart of the Matter” My emphasis was not on the fact that we do not choose to be single; that was certainly ‘one of my points’, but I wanted to a. be a voice for many b. bring understanding and awareness c. encourage compassion not judgement & justification Most importantly to be… Read more »

It’s not “settling” it’s being smart and realistic to opportunities
Guest
It’s not “settling” it’s being smart and realistic to opportunities

It is very difficult to help someone with their shidduchim when the turning-30 year old still hangs on to the list of wants from 10 years ago.

Singles please align your wants and must haves with what you know is available out there now for you.

To expect to find someone who wants to go on shluchus at 32 and is also handsome, polished, doesn’t want to live far from New York and comfortable financially … and not deviate from these (or whatever your unrealistic) expectations and must haves … is why you are still single.

On a personal note...
Guest
On a personal note...

I was single for 13 years in between 3 marriages. While we all have various struggles , I deeply emphasize with the writer, in that there is a certain pain in the emptiness of singlehood that has no equal, and can never be fully understood by one who had not gone through this expierenece
How perceptive is the Torah, in stating “Lo Tov Heyos haadam L’vado” ….It is a constant state of lack….
Wishing you mazel in finding your shiduch

the truth is not always pleasant
Guest
the truth is not always pleasant

This is all so true! The pain. The judgement. The ignorance. Everyone wants to get married & have a loving home and family. Unfortunately, there can be so many obstacles!!!! We can start with the local shaddchanim who CHARGE $180 to TALK to you but still don’t come up with any suitable options because you didn’t pay ENOUGH for them to LISTEN!!!! We can talk about the parents that judge the prospective date by the brand of shoes they are wearing or other things that are completely not important to their own child! We can blame the friends that are… Read more »

Shameful
Guest
Shameful

As a mother who has gone through this parsha with her children I was really upset reading #7 and # 24. All the author asked was for once just focus on being sensitive to your single friends and try not to be judgemental. She asked not to make the usual assumptions. But you couldn’t help yourself. So the people YOU happen to know are like this. Does that mean you have the right to assume everyone’s situation is the same? Do you have any idea what it is like for a single person to live in a basement for years?… Read more »

Life
Guest
Life

Life is full of struggles, that being said this is a very difficult one I cannot even relate to since I found my husband at age 24 which was 5 yrs and like 15 guys after my first guy. That being said I can say I feel some of ur pain and I am pained for my unmarried older siblings. I can also say one of the small things I can shed light about in these situations is that usually u can say that iyh u will find ur bashert. Those found in for example sholom bayis struggles or other… Read more »

Heartfelt
Guest
Heartfelt

Beautifully and sensitively written article ! As a married woman my heart bleeds for all single woman who want to get married. It is so easy to place judgement but ultimately only god alone can know and judge those in pain , it is not for us to decide why somone is single it is our job in this world to be kinder and have more compassion towards our fellow man . You never know how your words can make or break a person in a vulnarable situation people need to be more mindful ! Again wonderfully written and may… Read more »

Both sides correct
Guest
Both sides correct

While it’s true that, in general, a single must consider that they may be prolonging their own agony by having unrealistic expectations, it is not proper for others to point this out to them. Just as, whenever someone else is suffering, it’s forbidden to tell them that they’re being punished by Hashem for their sins. Although it may be true, it is also hurtful and is no one else’s business. It is a possibility that the person should consider on their own. Others should simply be there for comfort and support. In this matter as well, other ppl should only… Read more »

Accurate
Guest
Accurate

This article is written beautifully and with precision.
I will be forwarding this article to family and friends.
I am truly grateful for this post. Thank you.

Single guy.

For example.
Guest
For example.

When I came back home after getting a “it’s not for me” the first thing my father asked me was :” What can you learn for the future”.
in my mind it sounded like “it’s your fault”….
It hurt.
however in hayom yom it says “love rebuke because it will stand you on the greatest hights”
so instead of concentrating on protecting myself etc. after hearing such a question. I can think about a few lessons for next time even if its not my fault.
Moshiach Now!

Exactly how I feel
Guest
Exactly how I feel

Thank you so very much author. The daily struggle watching my friends raise families of 4 and yes they all may have struggles of their own but at least they have a family to raise. How another simcha in the family is still me, still single and someone else simcha and last but not least you write having to make worldly and important decisions on our own which can be so heart breaking. Thank you for putting to words how I feel. If only we could sit and cry and bless each other that next year we can look back… Read more »

I DO
Guest
I DO

I am a single girl, and I choose to be completely and utterly single. i don’t want to get married for at least another year. please don’t talk for all singles.

To 18
Guest
To 18

What you write is true in most cases, yet unfortunately there are some people who for whatever reason don’t feel that way. Whether it’s because of their inability to commit or they don’t want the responsibility choose to remain single

Thanks!
Guest
Thanks!

Thanks author, from another older single who’s been saying what you wrote to many friends who… just don’t get it.

Men living here 20 30 yrs and  not married
Guest
Men living here 20 30 yrs and not married

There are a number of men living I our community 20 0r 30yrs and still not married. Maybe in most of these cases they truly don’t want to get married. I have a hard time believing that in that span of time there wasn’t anyone suitable suggested for them that they could have married.

Shidduchim is the worst thing ever
Guest
Shidduchim is the worst thing ever

Hats off to #43. And of course to the author. I don’t think singles are in the driver’s seat. When I was single suffering in shidduchim I used to feel i was in the passenger’s seat.

#50
Guest
#50

It’s not up to you. You can’t just say “OK NOW I’m ready, bring on the guys” and boom get married…

You got to put your Hishtadlus from the beginning because you never know how long Hashem plans you to wait.

If you aren’t ready to date at least make sure u are working on your middos and personality so when the time DOES come, you are ready.

Response to #50 & #53
Guest
Response to #50 & #53

#50 the author clearly stated at the end, that she was NOT speaking for everyone. That was quite clear!!

#53 indeed you are correct, a lot of guys are not yet interested in getting married in their late 20/early 30s. If a guy resists shidduchim… best not to push… it will probably backfire!

This letter clearly represents those who DO want to get married

To number #50
Guest
To number #50

No one cares if you want to date next year or in 5 or in 20. OBVIOUSLY this beautifully written and well said article wasn’t directed at you. Instead of being thoughtless, how about say BH not me yet.

In answer to 7
Guest
In answer to 7

I think one of the main points in the article is that a single person doesn’t have the open forum to discuss being sad or lonely. Sure married friend have issues- she isn’t saying that marriage is a cure all- but she is saying that unless you’re part of the circle, looking in can be very isolating.
Forgive me if I’ve misinterpreted

society made the system
Guest
society made the system

the system used to work, one way or another, our parents or ourselves, we got married, and worked on our marriages, knowing that this is the avoido the Eibershter had for us to work on, BH many children were born and thats why there is a community here, including all the singles of today! Too much goiyish stuff has made its way in and ruined the mystic of shliduchim, the privacy, the bueaty of minhagei Yisroel. if todays style of doing things would at least work..ok ….but does it??!! where are we getting to by changing the system to be… Read more »

Correction
Guest
Correction

I meant men living in CH 20 or 30yrs who are in their 50s and 60s and never been married

Yes! Yes! Yes!
Guest
Yes! Yes! Yes!

Right on point. You have expressed what I think and feel. Tha k you for sharing. There are so many of us but we each go through it alone. I wish you to find your soulmate very soon in an easy and clear way!

A Personal Data Point
Guest
A Personal Data Point

To those who have attacked the commenters such as 7 and 24, I would like you to know that when I was in the shidduch scene close to 20 years ago, it was exactly this kind of talk from a friend of mine that caused me to stop dithering and vascillating, and actually make the decision and the committment to get married, instead of worrying endlessly as I had up to that point in my dating career that my dates weren’t perfect or didn’t strike me as THE ONE. And BH, thanks to my friend “hitting me over the head”… Read more »

No 22
Guest
No 22

Does Hashem have anything to do with your views on shidduchim? Cos as far as I know, He is the one who decides.

Read "Surrendered Single" by Laura Doyle
Guest
Read "Surrendered Single" by Laura Doyle

This book has helped so many single women find the right man to marry. Obviously there are some ideas that you won’t be able to implement as a frum woman, but you will still have enough material to fast track yourself out of singledom and into a happy duo. And once you get married IYH, read “Surrendered Wife”, by the same auther so you will never be a lonely wife and always feel loved and treasured.

a thought
Guest
a thought

i read the article and read the comments, and the only thing that went in my mind is- only singles can understand singles (Hashem is the 1st to understand of course). we need to coninue daven, to hishtadlut, and the geula will bH come fast! the truth is, that the Geula of R Rubashkin this year gave me and give me alot of happiness and hope, that when Hashem decide to take someone of his shiduchim jail- he just does it. his site alepgbeisgimel with bitachon classes is very strong, and its for everyone to get stronger בבטחון גאולה פרטית… Read more »

Respect
Guest
Respect

As a dear friend of this author I take off my hat to her for her constant efforts to remain self aware, for her core of inner strength, her generosity in sharing her views with others and for the hope that she still holds in her heart, despite many disapointments. Hashem should bless her with emotional resilience, deep faith, and opportunities to experience joy and fulfillment. May we all merit to see each others’ pain and be able to show each other compassion. Even more so may we merit to be there to celebrate each others’ joy.

#24
Guest
#24

Oooohhh 10 dates, what was she thinking?
The face that you will spend more time choosing what outfits your kids should wear for yom tov than she spent dating a man you think she should be marrying is unbelievable to me…

X