Shidduchim Are a Problem and Yet, No One’s Problem

By Anonymous 

Twenty-six years ago, I lost my wallet.

At the time, it wasn’t so important to me, so I didn’t put much effort into finding it. I was young, and I didn’t need my wallet. As I grew older, I started learning more and more about the significance of having a wallet. “There will come a time when you need a wallet,” I was told. And as I grew even older, they said, “You should start looking for your wallet.”

When I felt ready to have a wallet (it’s a big responsibility), I started asking people around if they had seen my wallet. I need my wallet to move on to the next stage in life, I explained. It contains my ID, cash, and credit cards. It’s very important! Consider the mitzvah of Hashavas Aveida, I pleaded.

Naturally, I did everything within my reach to try to find it. I asked the professional “wallet finders,” and I asked my friends who had already found their wallets to help me find mine.

I trust that when Hashem wants me to find my wallet. He will guide me to it, and I will simultaneously do all that is within my reach to find him, too.

Friends, wouldn’t you do everything possible to help someone find their wallet?

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Last week, an older single submitted an article to COLlive.com expressing her frustration with some Shadchanim. While I wrote this article before, I agree with some of her points and would like to share some additional thoughts for the community to ponder.

I recently had the following interaction with a Shadchan. “Hi Shadchan X! My friend just sent me your number. Is it ok if I send you my resume please?” The Shadchan replied enthusiastically, “Yes!” and I had a renewed sense of hope. But that hope was short-lived. A week later, I reached out to the Shadchan again to follow up and ask if she had any questions or suggestions for me. She sends me a resume with no more information than the man’s name and references. She also makes a note with an additional text that he is ten years older than me. Thank you, but I’m in my mid-20s. I will pass.

Did she even look at my resume? Did she really think I would go out with someone ten years older than me? Maybe and maybe. But it’s hard to feel that. She told me she’d keep thinking, and I thanked her.

I messaged Shadchan Y the following week. “I found your number online (reliable source). Is it ok if I send you my resume, please?” The response was even more enthusiastic than the previous one. “Definitely!” She explained that she charges and does things a bit differently. She wanted me to answer some questions, and I responded that I was happy to pay and answer the questions. I replied to her fifteen (quite atypical and lengthy) questions, as requested, and awaited her response.

A week later, I reached out to follow up. “I was just wondering if you had a chance to review my answers?” I asked in a respectful manner. She replied that she did and would like to hop on a phone call to clarify a couple of points. “Sure!” I responded. To save time, I added that I usually work till 6:00 PM, so anytime after that is most practical. She replied that the early evening hours are not great for her because she has a family so I told her, “That’s fine, I will make whichever time is best for you work.”

That was the end of the conversation until I messaged her again a week later to follow up. “Hi Shadchan Y, I just wanted to follow up?” The response I received was that it was her niece’s L’chaim that night, and it’s not really a great time to talk.

Ok, I figured I’d give it one more shot, so I responded, “OK, I just want to check if this is something practical that you are able to help me with?” Should I continue “bothering” her and constantly following up? Or perhaps this is not something she can help me with? Maybe her personal life is a priority now and that’s ok.

I never heard back. Not even two months later when I checked in again.

*

Last week an old friend reached out with a disclaimer that she was about to tell me something incredibly random. “I have a shidduch suggestion for you.”

Friends, nothing about suggesting a shidduch to anyone single is random. It is our entire life. When we walk down the streets of Kingston Avenue, we’re reminded we’re single. When we visit friends and family, and on Shabbos and Yom Tov, we’re reminded we’re single. When we go to work we’re reminded we’re single. When a friend sends a picture of their beautiful family of four to us we’re reminded we’re single. We are happy with our lives and the stage we find ourselves in but we are also single people living in a family-oriented community. It is not easy.

A recent survey was shared with a class of 120 (both married and single) girls in Crown Heights. The idea was to glean information about the way singles approach shidduchim these days and to see if there is something the married friends can do to improve the stats. Do the singles speak to shadchanim themselves or do their parents? Would the marrieds be interested in helping setting up their single classmates? How do the singles approach resumes?

The number of responses received? One.

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Dear community, we have an issue. Shidduchim are a problem but also, it seems, no one’s problem. We love to talk about it, but are we doing anything about it? Have YOU made a suggestion to someone recently? That’s all it takes. I suggested my cousin to my classmate, they got married, and have a baby now. We walk around saying, “IY”H by you,”-but do we do anything to help?

Why is it that as soon as someone gets engaged, they completely forget what it was like to be single? You have a connection to the other side now!

Why is it that when I text Shadchanim, I barely get a response?

Why is it that when you need a donation, you remember me?

I know that Shadchanim work extremely hard. I am not negating that. However, the above has been my experience. I am a born and bred Crown Heighster who grew up in the system that utilizes Shadchanim to marry us off. I have met with many Shadchanim in person and they have all told me they would do some thinking and I never heard back from them again. And I know I am not the only one who has experienced this. Fact is, there are many singles and matchmaking is usually not anyone’s primary career. That’s why we need everyone to help.

*

There’s a story I often think about. A bunch of starfish have washed up onto the shore and they need to be placed back in the water to survive. A man on his daily walk along the beach notices a young boy tossing the starfish back into the ocean. “What are you doing, young boy? There are too many of them! You won’t be able to make much of a difference!” The boy tosses another starfish into the ocean and says, “It made a difference to that one!”

All it takes is one.

In Pirkei Avos 1:15, Shammai says, “Emor Meaat Vaaseh Harbeh.” This translates to, “Say a little, and do a lot.” The Bartenura expounds on this by bringing the example of Avraham Avinu. When Avraham Avinu greeted the Malachim he offered them just water and a piece of bread but ended up bringing them a meal with a cow.

Please don’t feel bad for us.

Please do something for us.

Are you married? Sit down with your spouse and discuss each of your friends with each other. Send them the names. It’s possible that your friend has never heard that suggestion! Oftentimes, two forty-year-olds have never heard of each other because everyone assumes that, at this point, it must have been mentioned. That is not necessarily the case and even if it is, at least your friend knows you are thinking about him/her.

Are you a shadchan? Please reach out to the single who has been messaging you multiple times. Even if it is just to let them know that you are thinking about them or don’t have any new ideas for them.

Are you single like me? Think of people you have dated in the past and your friends. Are there any potential matches? I have a list of all the single men and women I know and I just run each name against the other gender to see if they make sense.

We all have the ability to do something. We just have to try. In Parshas Shemos, we read about Batya, the daughter of Pharoh. When she sees baby Moshe in the basket she tries to reach out to him by extending her hand even though it didn’t seem like she could reach him. But she put in the effort and HaShem helped her by stretching her hand.

Making a suggestion to someone never hurts. It only brings them closer to their future spouse.

May we celebrate many L’chaims and weddings soon.

Thank you,
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