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Thursday, 10 Nisan, 5784
  |  April 18, 2024

Shidduchim Are a Problem and Yet, No One’s Problem

From the COLlive inbox: "When we walk down Kingston Avenue, we're reminded we're single. When we're at a Shabbos meal with friends and family, we're reminded we're single. Please don't feel bad for us. Please do something for us," writes a single Lubavitcher in her 20s. Full Story

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As an older single myself
February 17, 2024 6:46 pm

I tried to set up older and younger singles and the younger singles are not replying back to my emails either. Why? So finally when I’m in their shoes and know what’s it’s like since I’m still single and yet want to help – no reply?! And mind you they have no idea who I am at all. Shatchanim are a problem for years, it’s their reputation. But why when reaching out to singles they dont reply? Even if it’s not capable ( which I’m trying my best to compare both profiles and no 10 year age gap since I… Read more »

didn't the rebbe himself say there could be
Reply to  As an older single myself
February 17, 2024 9:13 pm

a 10 year age gap
or did he not say that

Disagree
Reply to  didn't the rebbe himself say there could be
February 18, 2024 12:33 am

What difference does it make? I don’t like my spouse to be ten years older than me.

no the rebbe did not
Reply to  Disagree
February 18, 2024 10:17 am

check again 5 yrs for first marriage. 10 yrs for 2nd marriage

The problem is not the age gap
Reply to  didn't the rebbe himself say there could be
February 18, 2024 7:16 am

The problem is assuming that you should BEGIN with the age gap. If a couple find themselves with an age gap, that’s fine, and shouldn’t be looked down upon. But it shouldn’t be assumed that a 25 y/o girl will go out with a 35 y/o man, an 18 y/o girl with a 28 y/o man, or a 25 y/o man with a 32 y/o woman. If one is interested in the other, gezunter heit. But why are these suggestions being made like this without expressed interest? It’s insulting to both sides! It’s throwing bodies at each other, and saying,… Read more »

Why
Reply to  didn't the rebbe himself say there could be
February 18, 2024 10:35 pm

Doesn’t matter… When you have so many in the same age. Why are you jumping to a decade old… Then he’s gonna age a decade faster…

Shadchan in the making
February 17, 2024 6:54 pm

Hello! Someone brought this to my attention
There are NO male shadchonim in Chabad. Back In the day you had shloimeh zarchi, yona avtzon, rabbi Harlig and Many more . CAN YOU NAME EVEN ONE MAN SHADCHAN TODAY IN 2024??
WHERE IS THE MEN OF OUR COMMUNITY?
WE ALL NEED TO PITCH IN this is a community problem!

They is busy
Reply to  Shadchan in the making
February 17, 2024 9:11 pm

C’mon man!

100%
Reply to  Shadchan in the making
February 17, 2024 9:19 pm

As single guy, many of the suggestions received from shadchanim are the same group of single girls that they are trying to “sell” to the guys, It goes like this, Shadchan askes the guy what he’s looking for, the guy pitches, the Shadchan goes “I have the perfect girl for you, blah blah…” when in reality she had that one resume on her table and the call in her mind was a sales pitch! Nevermind the fact that the name had come up from 6 other saleswoman and you already dated her! While shes is just trying to do her… Read more »

there are..
Reply to  Shadchan in the making
February 17, 2024 10:35 pm

Zvi Mitz.. Noach Pawliger… Chaim Dalfin… look on chabad match shachanim list many men listed

100%
Reply to  there are..
February 18, 2024 12:10 am

You didn’t read the apprentices

This is a leadership issue
Reply to  Shadchan in the making
February 18, 2024 12:03 am

The issue is that boys are marrying girls much younger than them. As ther grades get younger, there is B”H many more children. For example, 8th grade B”H has about 150 children BA”H. 5th grade has B”H 200 children BA”H. Now when 8th grade is marrying 5th grade, you have 50 ba”h that dont have corrsponding matches. And this issue is compounded yearly. ONLY SOLUTION: Time for the boys to start dating at 20. Time for the Yeshivos to start encouraging boys to marry younger. This is the only solution. The proof: look at the chasidim in BP and Williamsburg,… Read more »

another thing you can do
Reply to  This is a leadership issue
February 18, 2024 9:20 am

is the boys can tell the shadchan they want to date older girls…

We don't pay our shadchonim
Reply to  Shadchan in the making
February 18, 2024 1:37 pm

Start paying the shadchon and you will have male shadchonim

Yes
Reply to  Shadchan in the making
February 19, 2024 9:12 pm

You are obviously not in the loop at all or you would know that the number one ranking Shadchan on ChabadMatch is Zvi Mitz.
He’s male.

Male Shadchanim
Reply to  Shadchan in the making
February 20, 2024 12:05 am

Male Chabad Shadchanim Chaim Pil- Lazar Zalmanov- Tzvi Mitz . Just to name a few

in chicago
Reply to  Shadchan in the making
February 21, 2024 12:24 am

Rabbi Moshe Raitmon, Yisrael Bernath

Shadchan in the making
February 17, 2024 6:56 pm

Where are the Men in our community? We don’t have a single MALE shadchan ??

Red
Reply to  Shadchan in the making
February 17, 2024 9:56 pm

There is Zvi Mitz. He lives in London and has made many Shiduchim for couples in the US.

Additionally, I’m sure there are others.

As an older single, Embarrassed.
February 17, 2024 7:11 pm

As an older single I find all these types of articles so embarrassing. I didn’t read all of this one, but time after time there are so many complaints from singles that get aired on coll. Thanks for the consideration. But please, please don’t think that all singles all think this way. … We are not all feeling excruciating desperation to get married all day long that other people’s happiness cause us pain, and we are not all holding you all accountable to solve our crisis. Thank you to all my friends and family for all you do to help… Read more »

Disagree
Reply to  As an older single, Embarrassed.
February 17, 2024 7:38 pm

I did not get the feeling of desperation from the article. Rather the feeling of wanting to do something in order to find their spouse. Of course, it’s all in Hashems hands but there an achrayus to be done as well.

Also older single
Reply to  As an older single, Embarrassed.
February 17, 2024 7:43 pm

Nice comment. I agree, older single fellow

Of course written by a guy...
Reply to  As an older single, Embarrassed.
February 17, 2024 8:12 pm

This is part of the problem… the girls are all dying (yes, many feel life has no meaning without being able to build a family) , while the guys are in no rush. And that’s why it’s the mitzvah for a man and not a woman. So I say to the guys with the same emphasis the Rebbe used… “Asei Lecha Isha” and we would be hearing many more mazal tovs!

A girl
Reply to  Of course written by a guy...
February 18, 2024 12:19 am

No I wrote the comment. It was written by a girl. I do really want to get married, I just find the constant constant complaining and asking people to help totally not my style

Thank you on behalf of many
Reply to  As an older single, Embarrassed.
February 17, 2024 8:50 pm

There are many singles who aren’t desperate or complaining , so true!

"It is our entire life."
Reply to  As an older single, Embarrassed.
February 17, 2024 8:58 pm

Oof, I cringed at that line! Being single is absolutely not “my entire life”. What kind of treatment is that to these precious years that Hashem blessed you with, but during which He decided you would be unmarried??

Banim, chayim, mezonim are the three key blessings we CONSTANTLY pray for, but if we’re not blessed with it yet – chas v’shalom to make not having them the focus and center of our lives.

Disagree
Reply to  "It is our entire life."
February 17, 2024 10:32 pm

It doesn’t have to be a contradiction. I am so grateful for the staff of life I find myself in-single-but the fact is, most people my age are married and that is where I want to be too. It is our whole life bc that’s the culture in which we were raised.

Disagree
Reply to  As an older single, Embarrassed.
February 18, 2024 12:36 am

Well maybe you should’ve read the entire article. She is saying the same thing you are. She never said other people’s happiness cause her pain. She’s actually asking friends and family to think of singles too instead of just shadchanim.

This!!!
February 17, 2024 7:12 pm

Every single thing you said is exactly how I feel and what I think every single time! With shadchanim and married friends. I hope this reaches the heart of people so so much, as you said, at least one person’s heart!

Love is earned, not deserved:
February 17, 2024 7:18 pm

A lot of singles are looking for a spouse based on what they see in the movies and not what a Frum person should be looking for. The concept of falling in love prior to being married is an unrealistic expectation that is based on movies.

Did you read the article?
Reply to  Love is earned, not deserved:
February 17, 2024 8:29 pm

That’s not what this article is about.

it's deserved too
Reply to  Love is earned, not deserved:
February 17, 2024 9:17 pm

we are obligated to love all jews. Love is deserved. I know we are talking about different types of love, but your premise about love not being deserved seems false.

Very well said
February 17, 2024 7:29 pm

Practical, respectful and well written

Zog der emes
February 17, 2024 7:32 pm

You speak for everyone

100%
February 17, 2024 7:37 pm

Most shidduchim I know were made by friends and family.
Unfortunately many people feel awkward setting their friend or coworker up with their cousin, because it might not work out. We need you to speak positively about us to give us a chance. Most shadchanim won’t personally vouch for a match they suggest, but if you say you know someone personally, the other side will give it more thought than a name thrown to them by a shadchan.

To all older singles out there
February 17, 2024 7:46 pm

Please do yourself a favor, if a Shadchan is not a mentsch, stay away from this Shadchan and find someone that respects you, someone you feel will help you. We are not going to educate not shadchanim not our friends, not our family. We can send friendly ,reminders to our friends, family…to keep their eyes open if they have an idea for you . I am Bh married with children and did a few shiduchim. It’s constantly in our head to think of ideas …we try our best. I have friends my age not married ,they don’t know that I… Read more »

Thank you!
Reply to  To all older singles out there
February 18, 2024 9:00 am

👍

if a shadchan charges money from day 1
Reply to  To all older singles out there
February 18, 2024 9:22 am

or before she charges money way before she makes a match that works, run for the hills as far away from her as possible.

Shadchanims time is valuable too
Reply to  if a shadchan charges money from day 1
February 19, 2024 2:59 am

Most jobs are paid regardless of success rate

I agree. Every one should be involved
February 17, 2024 8:15 pm

I think every individual should take on him self to make one Shidac if not more
1. You will help the community
2. You will start to understand the Shadchan point of view to all of these.
3.you will gain a huge mitzvah
4. Just a good advice. Ask your fellow friend before you are going to help them. to drop the long list of dreams and be realistic… also make sure they are really want and ready to get married. Good luck

Frustrated shidduch suggester
February 17, 2024 8:22 pm

Unfortunately, many singles don’t appreciate suggestions. When I got married, I sat down with my husband, and we tried matching our friends and came up with a list. We reached out to our friends/ their mothers to give the suggestion and nothing came out of it! Mothers are so overprotective over their sons and don’t want your suggestions. People are so picky and it takes so much just for them to look into it and actually go out on a date. I realized there’s no point of running after them and trying to help. This article is really nice and… Read more »

Everyone appreciates suggestions
Reply to  Frustrated shidduch suggester
February 18, 2024 1:22 am

Everyone appreciates suggestions, what they don’t appreciate is a clearly bad suggestion with the implication that you don’t think too highly of them. I would go on but המבין יבין as they say.

In not sure about that
Reply to  Everyone appreciates suggestions
February 18, 2024 11:41 am

Frequently, valuable suggestions are provided with considerable effort, yet there’s a tendency for people not to take them seriously. Mothers, especially when their child is young, can be overprotective, believing their child can find a match easily. It’s crucial to recognize that suggestions from close friends or family carry significant weight because they truly know the individual. Unlike matchmakers who might lack a deep understanding, those close to you invest time and effort into making thoughtful suggestions. It’s essential for both mothers and singles to appreciate and consider these recommendations seriously, acknowledging the genuine understanding that comes from those who… Read more »

as a single
Reply to  Frustrated shidduch suggester
February 18, 2024 9:23 am

I appreciate suggestions.

Your Effort Is Appreciated But
Reply to  Frustrated shidduch suggester
February 18, 2024 1:18 pm

Your effort is appreciated, but singles are allowed to be picky, this is their life’s partner, not yours. Picky has a negative connotation but it isn’t a bad thing. You don’t have to live with that choice longterm, they do..please be respectful of other people’s choosiness, even if you don’t like it…then again, is this about helping other or feeling good about helping others?

Parents
February 17, 2024 8:29 pm

Parents stop saying no for silly reasons. Just stop it.

Hear my story now
February 17, 2024 8:31 pm

Hi, you say many stories of your experiences with shadchonim. As a Shadchan, I would like to tell you a story. It’s a story that happened too many times for me to count. As you said, a single reaches out. I listen and ask for his/her information and tell the person I will think. Guess what? I actually do take much time to think and then reach out to the other side to see if there is interest. I often reach out to five or more people at a time, and will get “”no” “not shayach”….i do not wish to… Read more »

Thank you!
Reply to  Hear my story now
February 18, 2024 9:03 am

👍

Most Shadchanim don’t charge.
February 17, 2024 8:35 pm

Most of the Shadchanim in CH don’t charge money. That often working hours, days and month for a boy or a girl. They suggest many names ,and setup many dates. And if in the ent the couple will get engaged then they will maybe get some money for the shidach. Many times it will be nothing or very small amount like $1000 or $1500 and the better cases it will be $2000. WOW. you can understand a very small amount for the time spent on every shidach , in other communities they pay $5000 to $10000 for a Shidach. A… Read more »

So what you’re saying is
Reply to  Most Shadchanim don’t charge.
February 18, 2024 2:33 am

We need to buy a Shidduch.
Another point, both families are already paying a lot for the wedding but you are saying we should forget about the whole reason for a Shidduch (to get married) and to focus on just shelling out money to pay a shadchan who picked two names out of a hat

i could be wrong but
Reply to  Most Shadchanim don’t charge.
February 18, 2024 8:41 pm

i thought that most or all sephardic matchmakers don’t charge any fees even when the couple gets married. I think that’s beautiful.

Some ideas
February 17, 2024 8:52 pm

Being ignored by people who can help us find our shidduch can be hurtful and may lead us to demonize them as well. I believe that just as it’s important to have a 3rd party involved in the dating process, it’s also good to have someone like a family member or parent who can be in touch and check in with shadchonim on your behalf. There’s nothing wrong with doing so, even as an older single. A few ideas which can also help: The Shidduch House. ChabadMatch. BashertNow. Shidduch Influencers/Whatsapp groups. Ohel Sarale.  May Hashem help everyone find their… Read more »

Idea
Reply to  Some ideas
February 17, 2024 9:50 pm

What is ohel l Sarale
contact info

Ohel Sarale
Reply to  Idea
February 18, 2024 9:34 am
Confusing
February 17, 2024 9:08 pm

My (free) advice: focus on accomplishing what YOU want done in life rather than dwelling on how OTHERS aren’t getting it done for you.

Shadchan isn’t working, get another one;
Text isn’t doing it, call (YOU call);
Can’t get thru, set up a meeting;
Lost your wallet, buy a new one;
You got a suggestion, focus on the suggestion (not on how the person who shared it broke the ice before sharing it);
Etc.

how about the mitzvah to return lost objects
Reply to  Confusing
February 18, 2024 9:26 am

we are obligated to return the lost wallet….. it’s a commandment……

Good point
Reply to  how about the mitzvah to return lost objects
February 18, 2024 9:58 pm

If you have the wallet or know where it is.

But there is no commandmant for her to wait for you

socks
February 17, 2024 9:16 pm

is it kind of like when you put a bunch of different socks in a washing machine, then take them out of the dryer and have to put the matching socks back together…
or no

if someone finds the matching sock they’d give it back to you to fold back together with your missing pair of sock.

Being single in a family-oriented society
February 17, 2024 9:18 pm

Singles need to feel comfortable in our society too. We just don’t fit in, don’t belong. It’s brutal. Where is Chabad of the Singles.

Living chassidus!
Reply to  Being single in a family-oriented society
February 20, 2024 3:13 am

It’s at living chassidus! And organization in crown heights! I’m personally part of it and it really helps us feel part of the community

Halacha approved mingling
February 17, 2024 9:30 pm

Why do we need to have the vulnerable people beg shadchanim who are busy with their lives, to help make a match.
Bring back tu b’av

Not nowadays
Reply to  Halacha approved mingling
February 18, 2024 4:07 pm

When you have a generation on that level, a Bais Hamikdash, and Tzaddikim and Sanhedrin guiding the ppl, you cld have a shidduch system like tu b’av

Let's take action!
February 17, 2024 9:31 pm

What is the change we want?
How do we go about it?
The pain is excruciating!

Some actual advice for singles
February 17, 2024 9:49 pm

I was once a single and life was pretty awful. I get you singles and feel for you. I’ll give a few steps to help all you singles get married. Step 1: Relying on shadchanim to get you married will not get you anywhere. So reach out to friends who know other singles and will guide you to some good guys. Step 2: Meet up with some basic good guy and put out your best self into the dating until the guy wants you real bad. Step 3: Dont be so picky and say yes when he asks to marry… Read more »

don't manipulate men
Reply to  Some actual advice for singles
February 18, 2024 8:42 pm

show them who you really are on the dates.

Ch resident
February 17, 2024 9:55 pm

We should make jewish bars and clubs for the singles to mingle.

I agree
Reply to  Ch resident
February 18, 2024 8:44 am

If we institute proper bars for singles to mingle it can be a great alternate option for those that don’t fit in with the regular Shidduch system. Once singles are older they are mature enough to do the right thing and make the proper decisions of being appropriate and mature at a bar. People should get there first impression by actually meeting another and not judging based off a useless resume or photo. When one meets someone in person they will get the real vibe and see how they feel about the other. So honestly I think this is an… Read more »

So..
Reply to  I agree
February 18, 2024 11:45 pm

What you’re describing exists they are called singles events/speed dating events

no alcohol
Reply to  Ch resident
February 18, 2024 8:42 pm

bars and clubs? that’s very goy

look at the regular bars and clubs for reference
Reply to  Ch resident
February 18, 2024 10:23 pm

and what exactly do you think will happen in these bars and clubs?
Ever saw bochurim and/or girls on simchos torah/purim?
How exactly are you making sure they go according to halacha.
i think metaphorically its a good idea, but practically i dont think it would work

Co-ed Farbrengens
Reply to  look at the regular bars and clubs for reference
February 19, 2024 1:24 am

Mixed bars and clubs comes across as very Goyish. How about mixed Farbrengens? With mashkeh would be like a bar.

Finally a normal article with a good point
February 17, 2024 10:05 pm

Thank you. Well written, clear point and practical. Enough with the blaming.

Experienced shadchan
February 17, 2024 10:26 pm

I have always said throughout my 30+ years of experience as a very gifted shadchan, the people who are older singles have to work on themselves. If I, as a very talented shadchan can’t find anyone for them, THEY need help. I usually refer them to a good therapist who’s my friend and we work together to get them married. BH my system has work quite a few times and I receive mostly good feedback from my clients, besides for the ones who are hopeless singles that need a LOT of help. Mrs. Devora Leah Cohen Ps. Contact me at… Read more »

a very gifted shadchan?
Reply to  Experienced shadchan
February 18, 2024 9:28 am

who calls themself gifted!

Email
Reply to  Experienced shadchan
February 18, 2024 12:51 pm

The email you listed doesn’t work

Thank you Shadchan
Reply to  Experienced shadchan
February 18, 2024 3:01 pm

Finally a good shadchan with some practical insight! I will contact you right away for my daughter who is 29 and way too picky. Keep up the good work!

wait
Reply to  Experienced shadchan
February 18, 2024 10:23 pm

i think this is the first shadchin to put a name

An older single myself who is unfairly treated by
February 17, 2024 10:35 pm

It’s disheartening to witness the unfair treatment of older singles in our community. Despite their individual greatness, some unfairly view them with judgment, assuming a sense of sadness or a conscious choice. Equality and respect should extend to all, regardless of marital status. Unfortunately, some matchmakers contribute to this bias, neglecting the unique qualities and worth of older singles. It’s essential to challenge these stereotypes and promote inclusivity for everyone.

Frustrated Shadchan
February 17, 2024 10:48 pm

I am appalled at such an article. I as a shadchan have put so much work into matching up these picky singles and don’t receive the acknowledgement I deserve. Don’t they realize that I have so much patience and care for them. I talk to them for countless minutes and try to understand what they want. Usually THEY are the problem and don’t have their priorities straight. I suggest such good options to them and still they’re not happy enough. I have so much patience but I’m really losing it at this point and will probably quit being a shadchan… Read more »

Troll
Reply to  Frustrated Shadchan
February 18, 2024 1:26 am

Your comment shouts falsity.

Single Shadchanim?
February 17, 2024 11:06 pm

Well, this is gonna sound pretty out of the box, but hear me out. What if there was a group of singles that would take on the job of a Shadchan for 1 year and they will be given a list of singles – boys and girls. They will charge a monthly fee so that they are getting recognition and compensation? An actual job for a new demographic of Shadchan.

what is the halacha
Reply to  Single Shadchanim?
February 18, 2024 9:30 am

can a single be a shadchan? If yes, how do they become one

A well known shadchan with 25 years of experiene
February 17, 2024 11:09 pm

Singles are single for a reason. As a fellow shadchan I can really see this. They have issues they have to deal with and that’s why noone wants them. In addition of being too picky and judging so harshly on the persons resume photo and not giving the opportunity to meet in person, older singles don’t give a chance to someone that is slightly defected. If he’s missing a few fingers or blind in one eye or is missing all there front teeth, why is that an issue??! They both are older and have issues, and boruch Hashem not the… Read more »

more satire here
Reply to  A well known shadchan with 25 years of experiene
February 18, 2024 8:38 am

Yup…someone else jumped on the bandwagon..Please don’t take this post seriously.

I can't stand satire
Reply to  more satire here
February 18, 2024 8:43 pm

everyone needs to stop with the satire and sarcasm.

We need to innovate with AI
February 17, 2024 11:11 pm

Why are shidduchim still being done with a yellow pages?

Seriously it’s 2024, we need to develop smart data driven technology that matches people?

I met my wife on JSwipe, I understand that’s not for everyone but it’s about time Lubavitch develops something innovative.

Same Here
Reply to  We need to innovate with AI
February 18, 2024 1:23 pm

I too met mine on jSwipe. Another Keili from Hashem, BH.

Mother of a girl in age of shidduchim
February 17, 2024 11:49 pm

I gave up a bit on shadchanis, either they dont respond or they are busy travelling or they say i am.thinking about your daughter or they give me big gap of ages.
Mr mitz have a very successful shidduchim group and it is so much better than
” nudging ” shadchaniyos.

Great suggestion
February 18, 2024 12:05 am

How about make a system for everybody to rate shadchanim to see who’s the best

better suggestion
February 18, 2024 12:05 am

How about reinstate טו באב

There are times....
February 18, 2024 12:11 am

When a single (boy or girl) are busy with their lives, concentrating of what has to get done in their lives. Work is one of them, A boss is another, …….. Who would think of getting married. I’M NOT HERE TO SAY DON’T GET MARRIED, yes! Definitely definitely get married, (to the rite one @ least) But That’s when singles get bothered (and most of them cannot move on with their lives) I know this. I’ve been there, and done that. Unfortunately. Whoever’s reading this, it’s to the Shadchan directly, please please be sensitive and how the boy and the… Read more »

nah
Reply to  There are times....
February 18, 2024 8:44 pm

marriage should be number 1 priority always.

Happy singles
February 18, 2024 1:54 am

No, not living in a fairytale land , but not willing to settle for a mismatch either, also, not feeling entitled or mad at the shadchanim. That being said,if woman are more desperate it is only our biological clocks speaking, we want to have children young! 🙂

If you want a shidduch nothing talks like money
February 18, 2024 6:13 am

My strategy to marry off my daughters was to offer a shadchan 5000 for making the shidduch. BH I married off all three of my daughters. I did the same with my neice that was older. Shaddchanim struggle financially as well but when they understand there is a big payday at the end suddenly they respond. I suggest many older singles find one person to work on your situation. Just as you would hire a business consultant to find you a new location for your business that fits your needs. General rule in life don’t be stingy. When I go… Read more »

In a perfect world...
Reply to  If you want a shidduch nothing talks like money
February 18, 2024 1:24 pm

Halevai we all have that kind of disposable income…

Older girls work and have disposable income
Reply to  In a perfect world...
February 18, 2024 3:04 pm

Older girls who work do have disposable income. I wish there was a better way but money talks.

So….
February 18, 2024 7:59 am

What exactly new are you telling us? Nothing has changed and nothing will change. This will no doubt be forgotten about within two weeks. Until next year someone will write another shidduch crisis article.

that's your problem
Reply to  So….
February 18, 2024 9:35 am

everyone needs to change. Everyone who can help needs to help. Everyone needs to remember. I’m not expecting you personally to. But everyone else who reads this who can.

You’re right
Reply to  So….
February 18, 2024 6:41 pm

Unfortunately, this has been going on for years in Chabad and Litvish world. Girls and Boys have decided to have careers and therefore focusing on that.

Also, those who go down the career route attending college and/or university rack up a lot of student debt which needs to be paid off and then there’s approaching the parents to pay for the wedding.

One thing I learnt during Covid is that the basics is all that is needed instead of $25K+ weddings.

good idea
Reply to  You’re right
February 18, 2024 8:16 pm

besides for student debt, people develop all sorts of issues being an older lonely single. some their Yiddishkeit goes down the drain, we cant judge them. chazal said to get married at 18 to 20. the minhag in lubavitch was 20 or early 20’s. lately it has becoming later and later with the shlichus and the 2 year shlichus, and the dorm counselor system etc.
needs to go back to 21 – right after shlichus and parents and hanhala need to start encouraging the “less masmid boy” to get married even earlier.

let's just all get married
Reply to  good idea
February 18, 2024 8:45 pm

at 18

don't go to college
Reply to  You’re right
February 18, 2024 8:45 pm

and don’t let your career interfere with your marriage.

Thank you!
February 18, 2024 9:10 am

Thank you to the wonderful shadchanim who are truly doing Hashem’s work.
I definitely appreciate all your efforts!!
Much bracha v’hatzlocha!

System
February 18, 2024 12:14 pm

I am truly at a loss . My daughter is a a wonderful girl, loved by all. Kind, capable , driven, pretty dresses gorgeous and she has not gone on one date. The Shadchonim send resumes of boys that have no connection with her. Really random like after everything we discussed that’s what you send.
At this point I’m hoping someone who knows her will suggest something. No idea what to do

Welcome welcome.
Reply to  System
February 18, 2024 10:59 pm

The Shadchanim don’t mean badly they just give you what they got. Until Hashem decides the moment is right, the journey of Shudduchim can feel totally random, disheartening and futile. Hold on tight, Hashem is on the case. Your daughter is fantastic. I wish you lots of good mazel

We don't pay our shadchonim
February 18, 2024 1:32 pm

Dear everyone we really have no shadchonim because they can’t dedicate their life for it when they get paid very little all other jewish circles pay their shadchonim something that is worth the effort even people that don’t have money pay each side a nice amount when by us even comfortable people pay a meager 1500 which doesn’t allow them to do only this of course they don’t respond like this is there only thing they have on there mind every shadchon in our community should be appreciated because if they work even with such little pay. No I am… Read more »

We should marry out of chabad
February 18, 2024 2:49 pm

I have THE perfect solution!!!
Chabad should start marrying out of chabad!
Not chabad people are as great as anyone else!

good idea
Reply to  We should marry out of chabad
February 18, 2024 8:10 pm

good idea but the difference is so great between someone who learns chassidus and someone who doesn’t

I'm not chabad and I learn chassidus
Reply to  good idea
February 18, 2024 8:46 pm

and a lot of nonchabad people do too.

Tall guys stop marrying short girls
February 18, 2024 2:56 pm

There are many girls that are not married just because they’re tall. It’s really unfair because somehow all men love short girls, so poor girl she has no one her height to be with.
And I’m saying this because I’m talking from my current experience
I am 5’11 and I’m struggling all the tall men are going for short girls. Like why is a 6’2 man marrying a 4’11 girl…..
I think you men should realize that tall girls are as perfect and beautiful as any short girl.

how about YOU stop judging anyone based on height
Reply to  Tall guys stop marrying short girls
February 18, 2024 3:50 pm

and marry a guy of any height

actually nevermind
Reply to  how about YOU stop judging anyone based on height
February 18, 2024 8:47 pm

you should marry a tall guy if you want, but just don’t complain about it and tell tall guys not to marry short girls.

tall guys don't stop marrying short girls
Reply to  Tall guys stop marrying short girls
February 18, 2024 3:51 pm

no one should stop marrying short girls. Don’t judge based on height AT all ever.

The tall and short of it
Reply to  Tall guys stop marrying short girls
February 18, 2024 9:09 pm

A lot of girls wouldn’t mind marrying a boy who’s a bit shorter. Sometimes it’s the boys who aren’t comfortable about it. Solution: the boy can wear lifts in his shoes. Not that he should lie about his height, but if this will make him feel better, he should go for it! I actually saw this at a recent wedding… and he probably kicked off the shoes to dance. Please don’t judge every tall boy who marries a short girl, or his parents. We listened to names for an entire year for our tall son (OK, under 6 feet, but… Read more »

The Math Ain't Mathin
February 18, 2024 5:36 pm

There is a quality gap between young men and women. Unless women are willing to lower their standards — and I’m not saying they should, abundant singledom will persist.

Agreed
Reply to  The Math Ain't Mathin
February 18, 2024 8:03 pm

This is the most true comment of them all

did you mean to say quantity not quality
Reply to  The Math Ain't Mathin
February 18, 2024 8:48 pm

because if not, then why don’t all the men just increase their quality??

He means quality
Reply to  did you mean to say quantity not quality
February 19, 2024 10:42 am

And that’s an excellent question @Cheder Chabad Boys of Monsey Cheder Chabad Boys of Monsey

Unrealistic expectations
February 18, 2024 7:23 pm

I am not a “professional” shadchan. But have tried to match up some relatives and close friends. The number one problem that I find, is the unrealistic expectations of the parents,especially the mothers. The shidduch has to be someone from”gesha” or family are well known shluchim, or very wealthy family etc. etc. If it doesn’t sound like “someone special” then its ” not for us”. The years go by and the parents keep saying no to wonderful suggestions. Their kids self esteem goes down,down,down. They have no idea these suggestions were even given to them. They think no one is… Read more »

Another shadchan name for singles
February 18, 2024 9:13 pm

Sholom Blatter, [email protected], is an experienced shadchan based in Flatbush. His wife is a Lubavitcher. He knows all kinds of singles, of all ages. He just made a shidduch for a 30-something Lubavitcher girl B”H — I don’t know the boy’s background. If you’re open to stepping outside of strictly Chabad circles, try him out.

Write to the Rebbe
February 19, 2024 1:35 am

Write to the Rebbe in Igros, ask him for advice.

Crown Heights-Williamsburg shidduchim
February 19, 2024 1:37 am

If Crown Heights has a surplus of girls and Williamsburg a surplus of boys, match the two.

A guy with a shtreimel can be made into a Lubavitcher too.

Good to be reminded
February 19, 2024 7:06 am

This is such a great article. I am glad that this special young person brought this up. I also believe that we gave discrimination in our community. If someone is baal yeshiva, only has to out with a baal yeshiva. Shadchanim only want to work with Original Russian Lubavitcher who had Mesiros nefesh 100 years ago in Russa so they consider original therefore no one can touch that group unless you are one of them. This is not right because there are sefaradim or ashkis who live in crown heights and 100 years ago they also went through lots of… Read more »

I hate this take.
February 19, 2024 10:45 am

I fully respect your opinion. It’s your life. Live it how you’d prefer. I just want to share that I think there’s a deeper issue at root here. Why is shidduchim your entire life? Why are guys and girls sitting around, literally waiting to get married? There’s no way that is a healthy way to live, mentally and physically. I’ve spoken to many girls who have nothing going on and are just waiting around for the right guy to pop up into their lives. Go find a career, a hobby, volunteer somewhere, anything! It probably boils down to your overall… Read more »

Disagree
Reply to  I hate this take.
February 19, 2024 4:33 pm

I’m happy you shared this because everyone thinks this is the problem. How can you assume so without knowing me?
I have my bachelors and masters degrees. I have a professional career, attend music class once a week, volunteer for FC and Jnet.
My goal is not to become a stay at home mother. And I’m definitely not waiting around. But we still all have to get married at some point, right?

Well written
February 19, 2024 10:58 am

Soon by you!! Wishing all the singles to find their rightful half asap!
Maybe collive can start a segment and post weekly Shiduch possibilities or post all the Shadchan available and their contacts.

Tammy❤️

Really want marriage? Really want to help?
February 19, 2024 9:39 pm

Everything written above is nonsense. No one has touched upon the real reasons we have so many older singles or how to help singles who are struggling. We do not need more methods of meeting or suggesting singles to each other. We need to help singles understand why they are feeling what they are feeling and how to help them through it. The answers are in a new book called Shidduch Success by Rabbi Dr. Yossi Ives, the only person in the world with a PHD in dating psychology. If you profess your desire to help the shidduch crisis and… Read more »

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