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Tuesday, 8 Nisan, 5784
  |  April 16, 2024

I’m an Older Single and Deserve to Be Treated Better

From the COLlive inbox: "Since when did a holy mitzvah of making a match, building a Jewish family and home become nothing more than a money-making gig?" Full Story

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A few points
February 15, 2024 12:16 am

As an older single myself: Why when me trying to help others with a shidduch (my age or young AND they dont know me at all), NOT ONE BOY is responding back?! What manners do these boys have today? Even if the boy is not interested- respond! It’s called decency! Why do I get more responses from young women then boys?! Another point: why are BOYS TODAY so picky?! Height, pretty, outgoing, yiras shamayim, eidel, chassidish?! Why just dont write I’m looking for someone who doesnt exist?! What does Eidel (which no one has today anymore) have to do with… Read more »

let's have a discussion
Reply to  A few points
February 15, 2024 7:10 am

where people post their ideas of what all the solutions to the shidduch crisis are

Love is earned, not deserved.
Reply to  A few points
February 15, 2024 7:10 am

Unfortunately, a lot of singles are looking for a spouse based on what they see in the movies and not what a good Frum person should be looking for. The concept of falling in love with someone prior to being married and living with them is an unrealistic expectation that is based on movies.

Love is earned, not deserved.
Reply to  A few points
February 15, 2024 7:10 am

Unfortunately, a lot of singles are looking for a spouse based on what they see in the movies and not what a good Frum person should be looking for. The concept of falling in love with someone prior to being married and living with them is an unrealistic expectation that is based on movies.

Older bachur
Reply to  A few points
February 15, 2024 7:30 am

Why single out boys being picky and wanting contradicting things like eidel and outgoing?
As an older bachur I have seen plenty of girls profiles with that same issue… It seems to be a issue for both. If singles aren’t being clear on the profile it makes it harder for Shadchanim to give a good suggestion.

Moshe
Reply to  A few points
February 15, 2024 8:13 am

I lost you. Please clarify your comment and repost

Friend
Reply to  A few points
February 15, 2024 9:25 am

A person gets married hopefully once in their life they have every right to try to seek what they think is good for them. If they are unreasonable then hopefully through trial and error they will change their list of what is important. But to start telling some one you can’t have or etc etc is not fair .

but height should never be a factor
Reply to  Friend
February 15, 2024 10:31 am

seriously

disagree
Reply to  but height should never be a factor
February 15, 2024 2:56 pm

Let me guess: you are married to a 6 footer, and couldn’t care less.

I got new for you:
Height is a feeling of comfort.

People go out based on hair color, eye color, skininess. THAT’s something to say “speciously” to!

Height is ONE THOUSAND percent a reasonable factor. its how you feel being with that person.

as for me
Reply to  but height should never be a factor
February 18, 2024 9:45 pm

i want to marry someone taller than me

Grown men
Reply to  A few points
February 15, 2024 2:23 pm

Why do you refer to grown men as boys?

Eidel DOES EXIST
Reply to  A few points
February 15, 2024 8:11 pm

And BIG TIME.
What world do you live in?
Take off your ugly glasses.

eidel
Reply to  Eidel DOES EXIST
February 15, 2024 10:11 pm

please define eidel

Younger singles
February 15, 2024 12:28 am

I have a 22 year old son. Doesn’t get any easier. If you’re not the perfect guy/girl from perfect family. No one “owes” you anything. It’s work.

no one is perfect
Reply to  Younger singles
February 15, 2024 7:24 am

except Hashem

Horrible
Reply to  Younger singles
February 15, 2024 1:06 pm

Agree! I’m there too.

Very Relatable
February 15, 2024 12:29 am

Thank you for sharing this article! Being in the system, I notice which Shadchans are really helping and doing their part and those that just throw out random names that make literally no sense!
Shadchans, please take the time to look into names that the single is actually asking for and PLEASE FOLLOW UP!!

random names that make no sense?
Reply to  Very Relatable
February 15, 2024 7:12 am

just because something seems random and “makes no sense” doesn’t mean it’s not necessarily a good shidduch.

Hmm
Reply to  random names that make no sense?
February 15, 2024 9:45 am

This is deep

Sometimes it makes no sense
Reply to  random names that make no sense?
February 15, 2024 10:49 am

Example: when I was dating, I had three requirements that I would not budge on (and they had nothing to do with money, looks, or family, but about character and level of yiddishkeit). Often, I’d have Shadchanim offering me people who violated at least two of those, and then scold me for being picky.

Awful
Reply to  Sometimes it makes no sense
March 14, 2024 8:10 pm

Really a chutzpa on their parts!!!!

some shadchanim
Reply to  random names that make no sense?
February 18, 2024 9:47 pm

ive heard that some shadchanim go in alphabetical order

Shidduch Woes
Reply to  Very Relatable
February 15, 2024 3:57 pm

One shadchan sent my son a resume and cc:d it to a dozen other boys. Then when my son asked her a question regarding the girl, she didn’t even respond!

which
Reply to  Shidduch Woes
February 15, 2024 10:09 pm

I want to avoid them

Shidduch Woes
Reply to  Very Relatable
February 15, 2024 3:58 pm

It felt more like a fishing expedition than a shidduch suggestion:(

Expectations breeds resentment
February 15, 2024 12:30 am

Please stop expecting things from Shadchanim. All the frustration and pain comes from expecting Shadchanim to make a Shidduch. I don’t recall the last time I heard of a Shadchan that made a Shidduch. There’s friends and relatives and even from them you can’t expect anything. That’s life. There’s no other industry where the client is told they are wrong, name called, slandered, told they don’t know what they want. It’s a gaslighting industry where self righteous people convince themselves they are saving the world so they can do and say whatever they want in the name of “Shidduchim” and… Read more »

you said
Reply to  Expectations breeds resentment
February 15, 2024 7:13 am

“I don’t recall the last time I heard of a Shadchan that made a Shidduch.”

what?

I agree
Reply to  you said
February 15, 2024 8:54 am

Most Shidduchim aren’t the ideas of the Shadchan they’re ideas from family or friends and they go to a Shadchan as the go between.

then why do they
Reply to  I agree
February 15, 2024 10:32 am

even use shadchan at all

The Rebbe Guided Us Through All Situtations
Reply to  then why do they
February 15, 2024 10:52 pm

Read The Rebbe’s Letters, the purpose of a Shadchan is so the parties involved don’t get hurt.

Ironically, many of today’s so-called Shadchanim enable and cause a lot of the pain.

Forwarding messages from either party or not conveying messages thoughtfully is the norm these days.

whaaattt!
Reply to  I agree
February 15, 2024 11:51 am

Comletely false

Facts
Reply to  you said
February 15, 2024 10:06 am

Go find out, I have asked by lechaims almost every single one was offered by a family member or close friend and then later was worked out by a shadchan

Thoughts
February 15, 2024 12:39 am

It’s very sad that Shidduchim are so difficult for so many older singles.
But I don’t think putting blame on the people that are trying to help is right.
People have different ways of working and if you don’t appreciate the way a specific shadchan works, move on to another one that works better with you.

Zohar
Reply to  Thoughts
February 15, 2024 7:25 am

As they set out from their place above, each soul is male and female as one. Only as they descend to this world do they part, each to its own side. And then it is the One Above who unites them again. This is His exclusive domain, for He alone knows which soul belongs to which and how they must reunite.
– Zohar (Book I, 85b)

Moshe
Reply to  Thoughts
February 15, 2024 8:17 am

The problem is that the Shadchanim are not trained or taught. From.the way they treat their clients to the way they speak behind their back, don’t respond to their messages.
Unfortunately, this is an unregulated industry which lacks professionalism

This
Reply to  Moshe
February 15, 2024 1:15 pm

This.

Agree
Reply to  Moshe
February 15, 2024 10:12 pm

Totally agree!!!!

Shame on you!
February 15, 2024 12:39 am

Shame on you to write this…as a Shadchan, I can only say that it’s good you are anonymous because nobody would want to work with you after such an article. Where is your Hakoras Hatov to the Shadchanim who give their heart and soul to our community? To be a Shadchan is not a well paid job. We can work for months and not make a shidduch. The little we make when we do, is still less than minimum wage, if you figure out all the hours we put in. We do this for the mitzvah. We work round the… Read more »

Zog der emes
Reply to  Shame on you!
February 15, 2024 1:05 am

Choose another job then

This
Reply to  Zog der emes
February 15, 2024 1:16 pm

Choose a (nother) job then

Calm down
Reply to  Shame on you!
February 15, 2024 1:10 am

The author said not all shaddchanim are like that, but I see you also didn’t leave your name. Probably because no one would want to use you as one with the attack like that. As an older single myself, I have worked with some excellent shaddchanim but not all are excellent. Many times I have asked to follow up, I would send emails, WhatsApp messages, or calls (whichever is preferred by the shadchan), and very often I don’t receive any response. It happens. I get it people have lives, but every time I sent mine they are too busy to… Read more »

Actually shame on you!
Reply to  Shame on you!
February 15, 2024 1:26 am

Instead of becoming defensive why don’t you try and do better

take a deep breath
Reply to  Shame on you!
February 15, 2024 2:01 am

maybe share your name as you seem to be a hardworking Shadchan.. most who I’ve dealt with a “younger” single are not as invested and give off an attitude of could not care less. it can put one off shidduchim at a young age and gives you a sour taste to put it bluntly when shadchonim don’t have the basic mentchlichkeit to actually read a resume or find out if a guy or girl is busy before suggesting… to actually ask what are you looking for.. what are your non negotiables before just tossing random names at singles and parents… Read more »

Defensive
Reply to  Shame on you!
February 15, 2024 2:16 am

Being defensive only showes that there is a valid issue that needs to be fixed there is no point at pointing fingures at each other when there are serious problems to fix

If it's causing you to feel this way...
Reply to  Shame on you!
February 15, 2024 2:24 am

Please choose another mitzvah to be mkayim… hurting ppl in the name of helping them is a terrible way of doing this “mitzvah” of being a shadchan. If you have good ideas, just pass them over to someone who won’t feel resentful helping others. Additionally, clearly the writer is feeling a lot of hard feelings for the reasons she has stated. While not everyone must agree to every point anyone else makes, and judging favorably would be great, still a little empathy goes a long way. And… you sound like you need a big hug too for all you do.… Read more »

What am I reading
Reply to  Shame on you!
February 15, 2024 2:41 am

Who would want to work with you after you become so defensive over this. You are not normal and if you complain so much about your job, it is not for you and you should quit please for the sake of us singles.

Shame on you?!
Reply to  Shame on you!
February 15, 2024 3:02 am

That’s how you talk to people? You have no rachmanus! Don’t be a shadchan, you sound like you have no compassion in your heart!
My name is Adina Leitner
I live in Crown hts,

Shame on you?!
Reply to  Shame on you!
February 15, 2024 3:44 am

I literally cannot believe that a shadchan can be talking to an older single girl in pain – like this! We acknowledge that shadchanim do try, but everyone knows the flack that people get from shadchanim, as well. Please be sensitive when talking to people whom are in pain, you can speak up for the hard work you do, but if your daughter was 30+ and chaloushing minute by minute to get engaged, you wouldn’t want someone saying “shame on you!” You should be the bigger person, sounds like you have a husband and that you forgot what it’s like… Read more »

Our Bochurim who are messed up???
Reply to  Shame on you!
February 15, 2024 5:38 am

Such a stereotypical thing to say! Let me tell you something. I know a bochur who spent many hours on shidduch dates via video call with a particular girl because of long distance eventually both decided to meet in person. The bochur booked the flights, three days before the flight the girl messaged to say I didn’t realise you weren’t Chabad enough (even though she stated on resume open minded) . The bochur lost a lot of money and the girl refused to pay the difference because of the cancellation. You tell me who is really messed up?

Sorry but as a older single myself
Reply to  Our Bochurim who are messed up???
February 15, 2024 9:17 am

I spend a few years (will not be writing the number because it will not be believed) waiting for a bochur to grow up, take responsibility and confront his mother – never did, never planned. Was just using me for his fantasy that a girl was interested by him, oh and btw hes a chassidish lubavitcher. Wasting years of MY LIFE FOR A BOYS FANTASY?! And then 24/7 complaining it’s his mother’s fault?! Not his?! Boys have their own style how to express then girls but its there.

Sorry but as a older single myself
Reply to  Sorry but as a older single myself
February 15, 2024 1:18 pm

It seems to me you want confrontation by making the bochur it’s either me or your mother. Also, it appears you allowed this to drag on. But I do wish you the very best for the future.

Replying
Reply to  Sorry but as a older single myself
February 15, 2024 3:45 pm

I didn’t want confrontation but dont fantasize on my cheshbon. do it on your mothers chesbon and I dont have to be involved in YOUR PROBLEM! The bochur shouldn’t have lied to me making me believe one thing when he had no intention. Its called being deceived from your both statements! Dont lie – it’s not funny and you know it from babyhood!

Reply to Sorry but as a older single myself
Reply to  Replying
February 16, 2024 7:17 am

It very much appears that you didn’t do the “homework” in checking references. You probably took it as face value “ mentchkeit , eidel etc “ .

This is the reason why a high percentage of young Lubavitch couples are divorcing because boys and girls aren’t doing the necessary checks and just leaving up to the parents.

I suppose the only thing they do get right is checking with Dor Yeshorim.

It seems to me...
Reply to  Reply to Sorry but as a older single myself
February 16, 2024 10:34 am

It appears to me that perhaps you aren’t doing enough homework and blaming me for the fact that it went as it went. Thanks for encouraging boys and their mothers to continue doing what they are doing. I guess till you aren’t faced with what I went through because it would “never ” happen to you, you’ll never understand. Perhaps you made sure not to wait for confortations or checked background checks but I dont believe for a minute that life “went your way”.

End result
Reply to  It seems to me...
February 17, 2024 5:55 pm

I suggest you have a good look in the mirror and ask yourself “why am I not married”.

Another practical solution is to seek guidance from a Rov or Mashpia.

Please share your name
Reply to  Shame on you!
February 15, 2024 10:12 am

Would love to know who to avoid working with 🙂

You should put your name!
Reply to  Shame on you!
February 15, 2024 10:38 am

Shadchan to avoid !
Someone is hurting and has expressed their views. Your inappropriate response demonstrates precisely the point author was making.
Rude!

Not the right tone at all
Reply to  Shame on you!
February 15, 2024 11:23 am

Insensitive and unkind. Maybe take a step back from shidduchim for awhile

Shocked by your insensitivity
Reply to  Shame on you!
February 15, 2024 2:07 pm

How dare you scold the author of this article which is bringing awareness to how some shadchanim work?!!!! You should embarrassed by your response!

I definitely will not ask you to help me find my bashert!!! Rather someone who is compassionate and caring!

Miss America
Reply to  Shame on you!
February 15, 2024 2:43 pm

Girls complain guys want “Miss America” and guys complain girls often choose guys who are successful, extroverted, exciting with status etc (most of which is also out of your control). Guys who are nice and a mentch are often overlooked as boring. Have you ever heard of guys penalizing a girl for being nice? If you break it down, it’s not like one is less shallow than the other. It’s called hypergamy. Just the way the world has always worked.

as a girl
Reply to  Miss America
February 15, 2024 10:03 pm

I don’t care at all if someone is extroverted. I prefer introverted. I don’t care about exciting. I don’t care at all about height. Short guys are cute too.

Find another job
Reply to  Shame on you!
February 15, 2024 6:30 pm

From the way your talking, you just proved the articles point. Uncaring, selfish people who do this just for the money.
In the olden days shadchan I’m did NOT charge $200 for one interview.

Please stop
Reply to  Shame on you!
February 15, 2024 8:38 pm

Your comment is so toxic . Please find something else to do.

Wow
Reply to  Shame on you!
February 15, 2024 9:42 pm

I never thought a matchmaker, or shadchan, would be so disappointing. It’s disheartening how money seems to be their primary concern. If they genuinely cared about their shidduchim and their families, they would prioritize meaningful connections over financial gain. Taking the time to nurture relationships and fulfill the mitzvah should come before turning it into a business.

Um..
Reply to  Shame on you!
February 19, 2024 2:39 am

Sounds like being a shadchan isn’t doing to well on you right now and maybe it’s time to take a break, because I don’t think anyone wants to work with a shadchan with your mindset.. She never said she’s not grateful. All she asked was to be followed up with and treated with respect like a decent human being, and if you have a problem with being told that than maybe you shouldn’t be working with singles that have feelings of a human being.

Zog der emes
February 15, 2024 12:42 am

And about the shadchanim who shame bnos yisrael

Exactly
February 15, 2024 12:45 am

Perfectly worded I was waiting for someone to write a article about this
It is so true and it needs to be known and fixed quickly

I'd like to see more articles
Reply to  Exactly
February 15, 2024 10:32 am

written by the single men

Loaded
February 15, 2024 1:21 am

I get that you’re hurting, but you’re entitled to nothing. Your life, your work. Like any systemized “profession”, the shadchan industry has many who are ho hum, some who are good, and a few exceptional. Has been that way, since day one, too. No news in the industry. Everyone gets to be as selective as they want to be. It’s their life, and their incredibly important decision. What *would* the Rebbe say or do? That question always nauseates me, as if anyone can answer that with authority. I’ll tell you what the Rebbe said 30 years ago about every conceivable… Read more »

Zohar
Reply to  Loaded
February 15, 2024 7:26 am

As they set out from their place above, each soul is male and female as one. Only as they descend to this world do they part, each to its own side. And then it is the One Above who unites them again. This is His exclusive domain, for He alone knows which soul belongs to which and how they must reunite.
– Zohar (Book I, 85b)

Shidduch Influencer
February 15, 2024 1:25 am

I feel your pain, as I was also an older single (many years ago), met all kinds of shadchanim, and heard a variety of comments… There are many “shidduch influencers” these days who are trying part-time to help the singles they have contact with. I wish for you to connect with more of these people. Yehudis Blooming has a Shidduch Influencers whatsapp group where profiles are posted and over a thousand influencers network. Whatsapp her at 919-357-5904 and ask to post your profile. Also, maybe you could broaden your horizons by checking out the shadchan list on ChabadMatch. Not all… Read more »

Hashem should bless you
Reply to  Shidduch Influencer
February 15, 2024 1:38 am

You didn’t just state your opinion you actually gave practical suggestions to help people. And you understood everyones point of view. Good for you.

whatsapp
Reply to  Shidduch Influencer
February 15, 2024 7:18 am

can everyone get off whatsapp and use something that everyone has? Not everyone has whatsapp

you said
Reply to  Shidduch Influencer
February 15, 2024 7:21 am

“The amount of time, energy, blood, sweat and tears that can go into trying to make a shidduch”…

I think this is a problem. I think matches should be intuitive, which does not require much time, blood, sweat, or any tears. It rather requires the shadchan to have a refined intuition, a holy soul and a pure body.

single myself
Reply to  Shidduch Influencer
February 15, 2024 9:23 am

Is there a list or a few websites besides chabadmatch that you can share for others who need a shidduch and dont have WhatsApp?
Thanks

Shidduch Influencer
Reply to  single myself
February 15, 2024 9:48 am

You don’t need WhatsApp for chabadmatch.
You can also sign up for free on Bashertnow.org — WhatsApp not needed. Follow the prompts to fill out the questionnaire, and upload a photo or two. I receive about 15 profiles per day from them, by email, of a whole variety of mainly Chabad, and some chabad-friendly, singles. [I don’t think singles themselves receive the profiles, but a parent or mentor can.] I have profiles of about 1000 boys and 1000 girls. Many matches have been made B”H because someone saw a BashertNow profile.

DR, Shadchan.
Reply to  Shidduch Influencer
February 15, 2024 12:08 pm

How can you be so confident the young man needs therapy?
Why can’t Shadchanim stick to what they are good at, listening, suggesting, and listening some more.

Are you qualified to diagnose someone just because a shidduch you suggested dint work out?

Shadchanim are real good at getting insulted when their ideas don’t fall into place.

The Shadchanim
February 15, 2024 2:59 am

The Shadchan said she gave on many hours and didn’t got paid
Let me tell you
My sister started to paid the shadchan a 100$ to one and a100$ to another one even her children didn’t even met the boy or the girl . After she send the money she called one shadchan a few times they didn’t answer and didn’t called her Back. Not by email . I was disappointed!!
You

Shadchanim after you got the money from people at list do some thing or call back by cell or email that is yosher !!!

Not so sure
Reply to  The Shadchanim
March 5, 2024 12:13 pm

Hmm, so that would basically make it even harder people with less money to find shidduchim

February 15, 2024 5:58 am

Please be in touch.

Only good news.

[email protected]

Why are you all surprised
February 15, 2024 6:39 am

Roshei teivos of SHaDChaN is sheker dibus kesef notal, speaks lies and takes money.

And also...
Reply to  Why are you all surprised
February 15, 2024 1:26 pm

Ki Shibar Dalsos Nechoshes – they sometimes have to break through brass doors to make a shidduch.

Clarity
February 15, 2024 6:55 am

Not every single is reasonable, not every shadchon is reasonable. There is a phenomenon called humanity. Some are very decent, some are very flawed. No reason to be angry at “singles” as a word. No reason to be angry at “shadchonim” as a word. Be angry at messed up individuals who richly deserve the anger directed at them. And even people who deserve your anger, for your own sanity being dan lkaf zechus can be at your own detriment if you were hurt, and unready to forgive, for others, better not to judge. We all have our flaws, and some… Read more »

Anonymous Shadchan
February 15, 2024 6:58 am

Shame. On. You.

You should be ashamed of yourself. You think shadchanim owe you something? We don’t owe you anything.

And guess what. JUST BECAUSE you send in your profile DOES NOT MEAN there will be guys interested in you. In addition, DOES NOT MEAN the Shaddchanim are forced to send you a suggestion if THEY DONT have one!

This entitlement attitude is horrifying.

Please share your name as well
Reply to  Anonymous Shadchan
February 15, 2024 10:14 am

Trying to see who people should avoid working with

In shock
Reply to  Anonymous Shadchan
February 15, 2024 10:16 am

You feel so entitled to control the narrative, your attitude is really not healthy and you should feel their pain and if you really have nothing to suggest you can say so with a broken heart, but to speak like this is really not professional

Anonymous Shadchan
Reply to  Anonymous Shadchan
February 15, 2024 11:38 am

I am beyond horrified at some of the comments here from shadchonim. I do shidduchim part time and yes we all have lives etc but common decency should prevail. It is so hard for older singles and kol hakavod to the person writing the article. Kindness, care etc is what it is about and the article is not about entitlement at all but facts. Pg everyone should find their bashert immediately.

wow
Reply to  Anonymous Shadchan
February 16, 2024 3:35 pm

finally, a shadchan that writes a comment we want to hear. instead of screaming at young singles and crying that you get no payment, you understand the older singles. Kol hakavod. please write your name so we can know who to hire for the next shidduch.

whats your name?
Reply to  Anonymous Shadchan
February 18, 2024 9:58 pm

🙂 you seem nice

Many factors to blame
February 15, 2024 7:25 am

First parents of both for raising children that go to expensive winter and summer vacations, so girls look very much into the Bochur abilities to provide them the same lifestyle… Back in the days girls were happy to learn a trade so they can help raise a family, nowadays after they get their diploma which can generate six figure number, they won’t go with a bochur who drives a truck or bus for a living.. too bad either change your view on life of family and kids, or adjust to the fact you’re going to join many lower east side… Read more »

Hard working seven day 365 shadchan
February 15, 2024 7:56 am

I am somone who does exactly as I wrote. I want to say one thing, and it’s a Fact. There are not that many older bochurim and if we mention those that are, it’s always always a no. Without any legroom or trying to see if it can work out. It’s easier to say no, and watch these precious years slide away, that don’t come back. Maybe Try… Look into.. And yes, I am a shadchan that always calls back. Always. It needs to work both ways. Maybe you know a name and give it to us. Girls need to… Read more »

Sorry for the reality
Reply to  Hard working seven day 365 shadchan
February 15, 2024 11:13 am

And when we were 20, we were told there are more girls then boys. Which is an outright lie. So at 20 be happy with what you get and today 30 be happy with what you get. Certain singles dont mind staying single. Why have an extra problem on my hands? And to top it off, shatchanim dont like this attitude from us. Why? The money lost? The guilt? Do something about it and suggest the right boy. Why certain shadchanim will only suggest if you are their type? Remember we are not marrying you or your son. We are… Read more »

Idk bout that
Reply to  Sorry for the reality
February 18, 2024 1:34 pm

There are more women in the world than men…

From another older single
February 15, 2024 8:02 am

Shaddchan open my messages and don’t reply feels really degrading. At least write something. Older guys are the biggest big shots, calm your ego’s! And last but not least. STOP telling people not in your shoes to have emunah and bitchon! Besides emunah comes from within, not by being told to do so!

A bit much
Reply to  From another older single
February 15, 2024 3:26 pm

Sounds a bit general calling guys big shots

Are there any appreciative people out there?
February 15, 2024 9:11 am

I have a real paying part time job. And then the rest of my days and nights are filled just working on shidduchim and helping people, often neglecting myself and my family. I do this because I really care and want to help people. It hurts to see so many people suffering. If I stayed at work for one more hour every day, I would make more money every month than from the few small tips I get monthly. And I appreciate them but just trying to explain that nobody does this as a job to make money. There are… Read more »

365..shadchan addendum
February 15, 2024 9:23 am

Just to add, the older bochurim are very choosy, and it’s not fair to blame a Shadchan for that… And a General Note.. Shidduchim are not easy for Anyone. We need to try our best, put our effort into our children and Daven and Hashem Should Bentch everyone with their Zivug

Bring back Tu b'Av
February 15, 2024 9:38 am

Why can’t there be events/opportunities to allow young men and young women to meet, in a halachically-sanctioned and suitable environment, with the express purpose of shidduchim? Why can’t the shidduch system become more de-mystified to make it more user-friendly? For example, when I was an older single 30+ years ago, I was sometimes invited to an older very-chassidishe couple for a Shabbos seudah, where they had also invited a prospective shidduch match. I was always so grateful that I had this fortune to meet in a relaxed, yet totally tniusdig setting. I have heard that in CH, some older singles… Read more »

It was done before by Miri Farro
Reply to  Bring back Tu b'Av
February 15, 2024 10:47 am

a Shadchan in Ch arranged 12 guys and 12 girls to come to a Chabad house not too far from Crown Heights. They set the tables in a way that 12 girls sits on 12 separate tables with empty chair across, and we the Bochurim rotated seats every 10 minutes to another girl, At the end we had to write three names of girls that we would agree to date later, and the girls did the same I think it’s a great idea and it was free of charge for the food etc. I wish someone would do it again.… Read more »

Yes
Reply to  It was done before by Miri Farro
February 15, 2024 3:34 pm

If you get this done pls make it known

This sounds like a solid idea

Yes
Reply to  Bring back Tu b'Av
February 15, 2024 3:27 pm

I was wondering about this

Agreed
Reply to  Bring back Tu b'Av
February 18, 2024 5:57 pm

Yes 100% agree, this would help a lot
There should be a way for chosson and kallahs friends by chasunahs to be able to meet if they want to while they wait after the Chupah for the chosson and kallah to come
Not my idea, but I’ve heard someone mention this and thought it would be a great idea

You should be blessed this year!
February 15, 2024 10:05 am

To all the singles looking for their Basheret. I pray that this year will be the year that you are blessed with your rightful half, that it should be beautiful, fruitful, healthy and blessed match. You should build a happy, joyful Jewish home and you should be blessed with many healthy children. Hashem is the best matchmaker, shadchans are the vessel. It will happen at the right time and may it be for you this year. Amen v Amen.
Tammy S❤️

thx
Reply to  You should be blessed this year!
February 15, 2024 10:10 pm

thx

suggestions...
February 15, 2024 10:08 am

This article resonates with me well as a older single. after reading a lot of the comments, just thought of an idea. Just like there are campaigns to collect money for yeshiva’s, mikvoes, ect…(which obviously it isnt applicable if you are single since we dont have kids in yeshivos and mikvas isn’t needed now) there should be a way for shadchonim to be receive money (even a small amount) for their time and work. Having said that, it would need be shadchanim that care and are doing it Leshaim Shamayim and truly care. It is very painful to see time… Read more »

Shadchan appreciation.
February 15, 2024 10:19 am

Shadchanim are righteous. Even if they made one call to suggest an individual to you.
I had a shadchan work with my son for 6 weeks talking daily and it didn’t work out.
She got a nice thank you. That’s all.
I’m an older single as well so I hear you.
Just don’t blame the shadchan.
Have a good talk with the true shadchan Hashem and May Hashem grant you all your wishes.

Was time for a shidduch article :)
February 15, 2024 10:26 am

As a parent of older singles the only thing that keeps us going, is staying focused on the fact that it is all in the hands of Hashem. We do our hishtadlus and Hashem will send the results when the time is right. I’m not saying it’s a pleasant journey. But everyone has their journey/s in life, be it parnasah, children, health etc.. If a shadchan isnt holding your hand during the process, try a dif shadchan, or work with a coach or mashpia. If a shadchan isnt even responding to you, it’s because they have no ideas for you… Read more »

pictures
February 15, 2024 10:29 am

can all matchmakers stop asking girls for photos of themselves. It’s so immodest. A girl should not have to submit a photo. The guy can see what she looks like in person or on a video chat when he meets her. Photos don’t need to be floating around.

personally
Reply to  pictures
February 18, 2024 10:02 pm

i think they should know what they are getting into and not show up not knowing what the other person looks like

Not so sure
Reply to  personally
March 5, 2024 12:40 pm

I disagree – sometimes you think you don’t like a certain look but then when you see the person you’re totally fine with it. I thought I would not like skinny guys, but then I went on date with one and I was totally fine with it.

Shadchanim
February 15, 2024 10:32 am

Great article and soo true! You can message a Shadchan and they won’t respond. They want you to come to them with a name…..

what
Reply to  Shadchanim
February 15, 2024 10:10 pm

A name?

Ring around the rosey
February 15, 2024 10:37 am

Boys are picky because they never had a girlfriend so they are trying to figure out who THEY are themselves and what they even want. They dont spend time having DMC’s , they spend time at farbrangens talking about everything but what girls do at DMC’s. It can sound mean, picky, unrealistic but i think its just that most bochurim and even some girls don’t know what they are looking for, and its not their fault. when you don’t know who you are then you dont know what you are looking for then you put down a list with everything… Read more »

Single
February 15, 2024 10:52 am

Sadly, 99% of the Shadchonim today our only interested in $$$$$$$ and wanted upfront!!

im a realtor, like most good jewish boys.
Reply to  Single
February 15, 2024 11:29 pm

i tell shaddchanim, that i only get paid at closing, that how it used to be with shaddchanim, now its turned it to a crazy game, with a tremendous lack of passion, back in the day there were no profiles, and rare concept of a older single, now unfortunately one in almost every family has one or more unmarried child.

We may need to face reality
February 15, 2024 11:06 am

I’ve heard mashpiim discuss how although the Rebbe was very clear that Yiddish (the language) should be taught and it shouldn’t be a dying language, nishtana itim, and in today’s day and age exclusively yiddish chinuch is less of a priority.

Is the same true for Shadchonim? Maybe that system was good back in the day but we need to move on to something more open and young yet still tziniuos. I feel like the older shadchonim have become bitter and blame everything on the bochurim and girls without recognizing that the 1990’s was 30 years ago.

-reply to --Shame on you!
February 15, 2024 11:16 am

as a Shadchan-your answer is nasty-you don’t even know this girl and you answer her so personally. A Shadchan does it for the mitzvah not for the money-it is hard work and has to be done with the heart and understanding-which you dont have-please don’t be a Shadchan-you are not qualified-find something else to do-you are messing up people

isn't the article written by a man?
Reply to  -reply to --Shame on you!
February 15, 2024 11:36 am

or no

Be honest with yourself
February 15, 2024 11:42 am

Maybe the reason the shadchan is ignoring you, is simply because they have dealt with you so many times, (often without reason a cent, of even appreciation for their hard work, and time). So they are simply not interested in dealing with you, nothing personal, think of them, they work very hard, and also need to support a family. And if you actually treated them with respect and dignity they deserved, and they still don’t help you, maybe try some other shadchan. On a different note, it is hard to find someone fitting into your lifestyle and your age, ect….… Read more »

lists of shadchan
February 15, 2024 12:10 pm

https://www.chabadmatch.com/shadchanlist.php this has list of few shadchan
that deal with older people if you dont like the shuddchans your working with help me when i was looking few yr ago

A Single Bochur
February 15, 2024 12:35 pm

To all those who are writing to the Bochur “be ashamed of yourself”, trust me he is ashamed of himself – most of the day. Every time he goes to a Simcha and gets the ‘Nebach’ look , every time he goes to a family gathering and receives the “Im yirtze Hashem By Dir”, and even every time he goes to 770 for Mincha and notices his friends coming with the strollers. Not to talk about the Gut Shabbos call to his mother. He goes through enough same. No need for more.

The sadest part is
Reply to  A Single Bochur
February 15, 2024 1:34 pm

Hes so “ashamed ” of himself that hes willing to do nothing to change his stupidity. It’s like hes saying I’m sorry but not sorry enough… yes you see or hear this and that but you’re staying put?
And then they wonder why are mothers, mothers?!
Why are men,men?
If only mothers weren’t, mothers….
Yes if ONLYYYYY ADAM didn’t listen to chavaaaaaa………

– from an older single

dear bochur
Reply to  A Single Bochur
February 15, 2024 2:43 pm

please don’t be ashamed.

Devora
February 15, 2024 12:41 pm

Just chiming in – when everything else in being religious became an accepted situation to charge an arm and a leg for everything!! That doesn’t make it ok. When will people say enough is enough?

let's take a poll
February 15, 2024 1:33 pm

the only people allowed to reply to this comment poll are single men

what qualities does your ideal girl have? What is your ideal girl?

The hard truth about shadchanim
February 15, 2024 2:00 pm

“Back in the day, the shadchan would work through the Shidduch with you until you were basically engaged.” Is a shadchan someone thats meant to hold your hand, decide whether you go on another date, and communicate between you and your potential husband? Yes. Back in the day this was way more common amongst your typical shadchan. We are coming into a time where people are starting to think for themselves and understand that if you want to get married, you are a mature adult and need to handle your own conversations, your own decisions etc. I’m not against having… Read more »

Agreed
Reply to  The hard truth about shadchanim
February 18, 2024 6:13 pm

100%

February 15, 2024 2:06 pm

Iv been in Shidduchim for years, older girls are super picky, it’s a two way street, I’m 31 established home etc… the works, I think the expectation bar is set to high, & that’s why things are hard to happen these days.

If the writer is an older Lubavitcher in Shidduchim im open to seeing her profile, she can e-mail [email protected]

Ps(profile never existed in my parents generation)

as humans age we get know ourselves better
Reply to  [email protected]
February 15, 2024 10:10 pm

and thus know better who we are compatible with

Hmm
February 15, 2024 3:11 pm

I LOVE the blaming game. It’s so helpful!

As a single bochur, I respectfully disagree with the fact that “bochurim are messed up” 🙂

I’m sure there are plenty of good bochurim, as well as plenty of good girls. Period.

Just because your experience with certain bochurim or girls wasn’t pleasant, doesn’t make everyone bad.

I definitely agree with the fact that there are some “bad” (-attitude) shadchanim. – don’t use them. Move on. There are good ones out there as well.

And it doesn’t cost you anything to thank and appreciate the shadchans work.
Seriously…

Shadchan perspective
February 15, 2024 4:39 pm

As a shadchan, my role is to facilitate matches that have the highest likelihood of success and satisfaction for both parties involved. In this capacity, I’ve made the decision to specialize in working with a specific demographic: girls aged 21 and younger and guys aged 24 and younger, focusing on those who are attractive, gezhe, and financially well-off. It might seem harsh, but the reality of my specialization also hinges on considerations of financial viability and efficiency. This choice is deeply rooted in a pragmatic understanding of the matchmaking market and where my efforts can be most effective. Additionally, it’s… Read more »

you need to quit being a shadchan
Reply to  Shadchan perspective
February 15, 2024 9:59 pm

immediately. You are damaging the jews.

"Attractive"
Reply to  Shadchan perspective
February 15, 2024 10:06 pm

So basically, if the girl is gezhe and rich, but not great looking, she’s off your list. It’s a shame you didn’t put your name. I’m sure many people would want to know it, so they could avoid you outright. As a mother, I wouldn’t want to work with someone like you. I want my children seen as more than a yichus briv, a bank account, and a headshot. I want them seen as human beings, which seems to be beyond your capability.

that is
Reply to  Shadchan perspective
February 15, 2024 10:09 pm

completely antithetical to judaism

Name
Reply to  Shadchan perspective
February 15, 2024 11:03 pm

It really hope you make sure people are aware of this and you are not wasting people’s time contacting you .
Also who are you to judge who is good looking and how rich is rich enough for you .
Be honest , sorry you are not pretty rich or gezhe enough for me

Lol
Reply to  Shadchan perspective
February 15, 2024 11:21 pm

I hope this is a joke

joke it must be
Reply to  Lol
February 16, 2024 9:22 am

Laced with sarcasm ..must be a satire, although behind every bit of humor there must be some truth!!

Hope
Reply to  Shadchan perspective
February 16, 2024 9:44 am

Really hope this is satire otherwise hashem help us, we have fallen so low

Nope
Reply to  Shadchan perspective
February 16, 2024 11:00 am

This must be troll

I’d like to meet you!
Reply to  Shadchan perspective
February 16, 2024 11:04 am

I’m attractive, gheze and well off.

shadchan contact
February 15, 2024 4:47 pm

B”H
Call/ Text/Whatsapp: 718-998-5394
Zalmen

are you a shadchan?
Reply to  shadchan contact
February 15, 2024 10:07 pm

or are you asking them to contact you

I think differently
February 15, 2024 8:46 pm

As the daughter of a Shadchan I know how hard it is. It’s not as easy as it looks and my mother is constantly trying to help people. It’s very time consuming and not always so simple It’s very disappointing when it does not work, which is more often than not. Please recognize all of the time and effort that goes into making shidduchim.

Beyond logic and understanding
February 15, 2024 9:40 pm

As an older single in my 30s, I’ve experienced the highs and lows of the system. I know of family and friends who married the first person they went out with, while others (great and amazing people) had to date for years before meeting the right one. Ultimately, the reason why there are older singles is beyond our understanding; only Hashem knows the reason. By trying to make sense of it and find reasons why someone isn’t yet married, we will inevitably come to wrongful conclusions that can be condescending, hurtful, and insensitive to the singles we are trying to… Read more »

SHADDCHANIM ARE AMAZING!!!!
February 15, 2024 11:41 pm

Shaddchanim do amazing work and lots of it.
There’s a lot that goes on behind the scenes that you might not know about and let’s not forget, all these Shaddchanim do have A life of their own. Kids to deal with, work, bills to pay, dinner to make, a house to upkeep, and maybe even the shidduchim of they’re own kids. I have a huge amount of respect for all Shaddchanim out there. KUDOS!!!!

Something to do...
February 18, 2024 7:16 pm

Dear Shadchanim and Singles,

Do yourselves a favor and respond yes or no as soon as possible to shidduch requests. It’s a numbers game. The faster you respond the more suggestions will come your way. more people will have had better and quicker communication with you, and you will earn the reputation of being a “Mench”. If you try playing the stuck up game, and playing “Hard to get” you will earn the reputation of “Snob”….

Why?
February 20, 2024 7:26 pm

Why would this article be written? Shadchanim try their best. Why is everyone bashing them??

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