By Anonymous
As a Shadchan and also having children in shidduchim I see both sides of the story and would like to give some helpful tips.
Shadchanim are usually volunteers who are not set up to properly run a business and may seem unfocused and forgetful. People are constantly reaching out to us and we try to think of ideas but are not always good at following up.
As a parent in shidduchim I’ve learned that it’s my job to be the motivator or personal assistant to the shadchan. I reach out to many shadchanim and message them about my child. I include a resume, picture and a description of my child and what he or she is looking for. If they give me a suggestion, I thank them right away and let them know if I have initial interest. I don’t wait for them to follow up with me. It’s my job to do the research and respond within a few days.
If I am not interested I don’t ask them for another idea right away because I know what that feels like. I wait a few weeks before reminding them about my child and instead I reach out to friends and relatives to see if they can come up with anyone.
If I do decide to go ahead with the shidduch I reach out to the shadchan after every date and I don’t wait for the shadchan to call me. I encourage my child to keep dating unless there’s something specific that bothers them about the other person. After eight dates they need to know which direction it is going in. A month is more than enough time to make a final decision. If they are still confused it’s time to get extra outside help.
If my child decides it’s not a match I compensate the shadchan according to the amount of dates or time spent coaching etc. If my child decides to get engaged I try to pay the shadchan the same day that we go to the Ohel.
I hope this helps clarify things and may every Single find their bashert quickly and easily and recognize their other half when they meet them!
May there be true peace in Ererz Yisroel and the entire world with the Geula Shleima immediately!
By that time a real apology is needed if its a no! thats over 40 hours spent together
It takes TIME to get to know someone.
It’s the biggest decision of your life and you will spend THE REST OF YOUR LIFE with this person. Makes total sense to take the time you need to get to know them.
In fact, I think it’s ridiculous that sometimes they are pressured to know where it’s headed after 3 dates.
I think everyone can take the time they need – obviously at a certain point there needs to be clarity about the direction it’s going. But 8 dates is a fine amount.
From my knowledge, the Rebbe didn’t focus on how many dates and how much time. It’s more about how are things progressing, things aligning, the emotional attraction etc
Don’t get carried away by people’s opinions on how long things should take. Let’s stay away from “man-made” rules.
Real relationships take time to develop.
quit being a shadchan, you aren’t fit to be one.
Once a Shadchan is dropped and the boy is asking the girl out directly and either side wishes to drop the shidduch they need to do it in person and give the other person closure. Not doing that at an advanced stage is playing with fire. It’s also simple mentchlichkeit. Just because the other person is not for you doesn’t mean they don’t deserve to be treated with respect and kindness. Even sending them a text saying sorry and wishing them the best etc is not good enough. Even if it’s accepted by the other side there may be feelings… Read more »
All the more reason to keep the shadchan thru the entire dating process. Yes it’s less convenient than direct texting but it keeps the distance there that avoids these types of situations. I’ve literally not seen a single benefit to dating couples exchanging numbers before engagement but have seen multiple scenarios where it caused problems.
I agree. Eight dates is a LOT of time. If the couple are using their dates to really get to know each other. How far do you want to go in letting someone know your inner world before deciding that you do not want to marry them?
in fact it’s like no time at all. Takes longer than that.
As long as it takes? This question is completely invalid, as it implies an answer that you choose, and has nothing to do with anyone else. How much do you want to reveal? Idk? I mean if you are gonna marry the person, probably a lot?
You know every date agreed to is basically saying that there’s potential and you’re seeing which direction it’s going in, right?
A certain amount of hours doesn’t create a commitment
Until a commitment is made
No one size fits all.
I dojnt agree with most of these items.
What don’t you agree with?
with this article
Good points
Beautiful article, saying that in shidduchim we have to be a mentsch when we’re interacting with shadchanim, Be prompt to respond and don’t keep silent – and
ASSUME the shadchan or the other side will realize it’s a ‘no”. Have the courage
to actually tell them ‘no’ and to thank them.
Read carefully what she says here mbecause its an inyan of being a mentsch
when everyone responds timeously and courteously and Hashem likes us being
straightforward/considerate.
Unfortunately when saying no, many shaddchinim want to know why but why and they pressure you to give a reason. Not always does one want to share for reasons so ppl started just not responding bec they want to avoid the interrogation of why you said no
Exactly 💕
It’s called cowardly. If you do not want to give the other side feedback as to why you think the match is not for you, you are being a coward. If the reason is valid (ie. my values are XYZ, their’s are ABC), they’ll know not to ask again. If the reason has to do with a circumstance in their life beyond their control, while it may be hurtful for them to receive that feedback, at least they’ll know not to bother again.
As a shadchan your reasoning helps me think of other ideas for you. When you cant have the courtesy of giving me a reason, it becomes very tedious to work with you. The consequence is that I will naturally gravitate to those that make it easier for me to work with them.
Its an Immaturity from the shatchan to disagree (wanting to know the reason…) with a no and politely tell the other side it’s a no. If the person is old enough to get married he/she is old enough to say it’s a no without giving a reason. Be respectful. To me when a bochur doesnt take a no for an answer: I dont want to deal with him at all for its saying he wants to get everything his way in life with no nos. Says a lot about him. If he cant agree with a no now in a… Read more »
Idk how this works… but shouldn’t the shadchan explain how they work and what the best way to communicate is? It’s pretty dysfunctional to expect ppl to chase after you without explanation. Especially when there are so many efficient ways to communicate, plan a time to talk etc.
The points you made seem to be super solid and grounded in reality, but it stirred me to ask the following: If the shadchan can’t take possession and responsibility of fielding Shidduchim for a given individual; Cannot be relied upon to follow up and give important updates about the process; Is not actively searching from time to time it has to be constantly reminded; Then why do they ask for and receive such a premium package of Shidduch gelt ($2000+)? Is that just for suggesting the names (often pulling them out of hats)? Something about that structure doesn’t make sense… Read more »
Obviously you don’t realize the time that goes in asking the other side and not telling you that they say no
And the coordinating all the dates
Out of touch.
Scheduling a date shouldn’t take more than 5 minutes with proper communication between 2 interested parties. WhatsApp and text is a great way to communicate. And just by the way, calling also works.
Yes, BH everyone has there schedules but anyone dating seriously should absolutely make sure they are made available to the Shadchan or anyone setting up there date.
I’ve been on both sides and my experience has been different. I’m calling shatchanim and reaching out and in response there is no reply or something that has no connection with me at all suggested or a new response is “we are not taking new clients “. Recently I’ve had enough and started to make matches myself only to face bochurim or girls not responding to their emails, not ready to get married or have security issues because I’m a stranger. How can bochurim or girls complain when they aren’t doing their part? You cant blame the shatchan when you… Read more »
The shadchan spends tremendous amount of time on the phone ( add that to the many names that nothing came off). Any other profession would charge an hourly fee. It should be a given that shadchonus should be 40-50% of what the lchaim costs!!
Maybe that’s reasonable for younger singles. As people get older and have more experience it can become more complicated, Thank Gd these time restrictions are no longer the expectation in all cases. I’ve seen viable shidduchim destroyed by this shita bc someone takes longer to process things. Everything has to be individually gaged.
Very important not to pressure people into a timeline with a relationship. Each at their own pace.
no good deed goes un punished…
anyone who is a shadchan who sees it as a way to make money should quit being a shadchan
The one where the shadchan responds.
The shadchan prioritizes respect and sensitivity to payment.
The shadchan gives you some time to process and doesn’t pressure you if you need some more time.
The shadchan thinks of other ideas if this one doesn’t work out.
And yes.
I’d like to know how to share negative feedback without hurting the other party?
Thank you for the article. I agree with being a mentsch and responsive etc.
I am not clear about giving a reason for saying no, as I was advised not to usually give a specific reason.
I don’t believe that everyone needs to provide specific reasons when saying no to someone. At times, the reason is highly personal and not based on general or objective factors—it simply may not feel like the right match for that individual. The nature of the “shidduch process” acknowledges that refusals are part of the journey, and one must accept them and continue moving forward.