The problem is nothing new.
For older singles, the path to finding their bashert may seem to stretch longer and longer as each year goes by. There’s no new interest, no new names — nothing new. Shadchanim often hesitate to dedicate their time and effort into finding shidduchim for older singles, preferring to go after the low-hanging fruit: the young, easily-matched eligible bachurim and girls. And who can blame them? After all, they have to make a living, and they’ve found it simply doesn’t pay off financially to invest the extra time and effort to help an older single finally get married.
To Crown Heights philanthropist Moshe Rubashkin, the pain of our community’s men and women languishing on the vine — simply because shadchanim don’t feel it’s financially worthwhile to help them — could not be ignored.
In an interview with noted radio host Zev Brenner, Rubashkin and dating coach, author and podcaster Baila Sebrow discussed some of the root causes behind the “shidduch crisis,” as Rubashkin explained why he’s throwing himself into a new crowdfunded campaign to incentivize shadchanim to work with older singles, by offering a sizable bonus for every successful shidduch involving singles older than 30.
“If we want to help them as a group, we do have to encourage matchmakers to help singles who are older,” Sebrow said. “One of the problems is that most matchmakers prefer to work with younger singles because they’re easier to work with — and people like to do what’s easier. We need to encourage matchmakers to want to work with older singles … no one should be left behind.”
“Moshe, what can we do to help these older singles?” Brenner asked.
“I think the women today are smarter than the men; the men are rough diamonds, and the women have to polish the diamonds,” Rubashkin said. Many older single women have a hard time “marrying down,” as they feel the men who are coming up for them aren’t as successful or accomplished as they are. “… and that’s creating a crisis,” Rubashkin concluded.
A crisis that sees more and more older singles struggling.
A crisis that Rubashkin is endorsing and encouraging the entire community to join him in solving by visiting the campaign and contributing towards the incentives being offered for anyone who helps our older singles find their bashert.
And recognizing the urgent need for this campaign to succeed, the staff behind Righteous Fundraising, who are endorsing and directing the campaign, are raffling off a dollar from the Rebbe — anyone who donates towards the first $50,000 for the campaign is eligible.
With your help, no one will be left behind.
To join the campaign, click here.
This article is the first in a series of interviews and discussions with shadchanim and relationship experts discussing the Shidduch Crisis and what we can do to help solve it.
AUDIO
But it’s not the older singles who are creating the problem, it’s the older generation behind the scenes people who are creating the problem (and many other problems). Or references who are destroying the shidduch. The problem is solved by the first commandment in the torah:a man should LEAVE HIS PARENTS home, cleave to his wife etc…
Till that doesnt happen because people dont follow it, this problem will continue to get only bigger.
It definitely contributes
Most older singles want the well off guy, that has a respectable job/business title. So the guys with regular jobs don’t exist on their radar.
Another issue is the girls Mashpi’oh, that tell the girls to stick to their holy high standards. Meanwhile the girl, lives in a cold dungeon (basement without proper heat), has no money because she works in chinuch (barely netting $16,000 before expenses) and is stuck on finding an older single who kokhns in Maamarim Who happens to be rich and is from a good family.
Single boys and girls need to get off social media , it’s destroying a proper shidduch process.
You would be surprised on how many shidduchim in recent years have been made due to social media apps.
A list of shadchanim who work with older singles should be added to the article….
It’s so thoughtful to help the singles in thier 30″s keep up the great work!!!!
All her events for older ages have the age limit at 45. That to me isn’t really older singles. There are singles events that are for 30-50s. And at those events people older than that even come and aren’t turned away. That’s a true event for older singles. Not what Baila is doing an event 30-45 years old. This just sounds like a way to increase profit not really help older singles.
These people here are totally leshem shomayim- the proof is when others say they’re making money – you know you’re doing something right. Want to make money? Internet sales, flip houses,, fundraiser etc etc not in helping older singles, lady! Yakov S
While the initiative to incentivize Shadchanim is important and much appreciated, I’d love to know why no one thinks it appropriate to spend money on the singles themselves? The dating process is both emotionally and financially draining, and many singles who have had to endure this pain and stress for years on end typically end up needing professional help – and only get it when they can afford to pay hundreds of dollars out of pocket. What about paying for or subsidizing therapy sessions for older singles?
While reaching out to the older singles, the younger singles shouldn’t be left behind
We should make sure not to have older singels
Mary them of yong so we wont have a problem later
Could there be a list for older singles websites or social media platforms? Some don’t even know they exist.
They have tons
just filter by age
It’s not usually that they feel the men are not ‘successful or accomplished’ it’s about character and where they seem to be headed.
What do you mean by “men are rough diamonds, and the women have to polish the diamonds,”
This is a very problematic situation. The parents of the men are meant to be educating him on how to behave like a functioning member of society with good middos. It’s not the women’s job to teach her husband how to behave like a mentch. When a man and woman are old enough to get married, they’re old enough to not need someone to help them behave like an adult. Thank you for listening.
Often when dealing with older singles, shadchonim try to set up people who are of similar age, which is very understandable as let’s try to help 2 older singles get married through one shidduch. A suggestion I would like to make is its time to think out of the box try setting up older guys with younger girls (up to 10 years according to the Rebbe is fine)
I’m a older single and a guy who’s 1 or 2 years younger will not even see my profile even though there is compatibility. They will ONLY look at profiles that are 20 year olds. So not sure of your experience, but my experience has been like above and didnt get my age but only older men…
The 10 year’s gap that the Rebbe answered was the boy being older than the girl, the other way is the girl shouldn’t be more then 3 years older than the boy
Maybe paying Shadchonim for their time
Not incentives at the end
Older singles help should not have an age limit. Why should it be limited to 45-50s? Why shouldnt any older single no matter the age be helped to marry?
I know of a happy couple in their 80s who met through the internet and were married.
Ah, at first glance, I thought this article was referring to 45+ who are mostly widowed or divorced, and with children such as myself. But I think this article’s reference to “older singles” is referring to 25+ who have not yet been married, or are still that young and are already tragically widowed but without children. And for sure, I want 95% of energy going towards that group to get them married right away iy”H with all brocha and hatzlacha. Yes, please incentivize and get the world’s best marketers for each single girl and guy. Reeeeeally get their names out… Read more »
i’ve been on the market for a long time. i am very aware of at least a few older (early 40’s) ffb women who simply will not meet me. and another few that i did meet, i liked, but they quit without any explanation. it is a mystery to me, i appreciate whatever effort goes into this …
“I think the women today are smarter than the men; the men are rough diamonds, and the women have to polish the diamonds,” Rubashkin said. Many older single women have a hard time “marrying down,” as they feel the men who are coming up for them aren’t as successful or accomplished as they are. “… and that’s creating a crisis,” Rubashkin concluded.
i agree with him, also in my case there is a bt/ffb stigma
I wonder why there is a business model at all of shadchanim. Who needs them? Make singles events. The singles can pay to come. Open up your home to mixed singles shabbos meals. Let people use their own eyes to establish initial interest and dates. Subsidize the dates and venues and events.
So I hear, but you don’t want actual mixed, singles events since that’s not appropriate and ch”v the Divine Presence leaves in a mixed gatherings. However, absolutely yes on having singles at your Shabbos table! This is the most ideal setting where everyone can talk and get to know each other without any pressure. Plus, the extra Shabbos souls are present which help immensely. So Pesach is coming up. Everyone must have at least one male and one female single at your seder and at every Shabbos evening meal henceforth only until there are no more singles iy”H. 🙂
What is not appropriate about productive single events? It actually a very good way for singles to meet each other and help the shidduch crisis.
An amazing idea to create positive change and inspire others to make shidduchim.
Thank you!
I am a small scale shadchan working with older singles (30 and up — no upper limit) and with special needs singles of any age. A writer above suggested that the funds be allocated to provide direct help for singles. That’s an interesting idea, although the implementation could be difficult. Who decides which singles merit assistance? Would you set up a “scholarship” board or committee? Singles could apply for and justify the help being requested through an essay and/or recommendations. [Isn’t there too much of this kind of thing already?] To continue: The “awards” could have a dollar limit of,… Read more »
If you don’t put out a profile, the matchmakers don’t know you exist. Include a nice photo — or two. Keep your profile up-to-date. Help us to help you.