By Shmuel Rabinowitz
I’m still in shock from the untimely passing of R’ Yonah ben Reb Meir Avtzon. I merited davening in the same minyan with him daily in Merkos Avrechim in the last few months of his life. After davening, we would sometimes talk about shidduchim. After all, it’s no secret that he was the most successful shadchan in Crown Heights.
I was interested in hearing what made Reb Yonah so successful as a shadchan. As we know, making a shidduch (match) is one of the few things that even Hashem calls difficult. “Making a shidduch is as hard as the parting of the red sea”. If it’s hard for Hashem, I wondered, how could a single individual be so successful at it?
R’ Yonah told me the answer very simply. “I’m ready to do whatever it takes to make a shidduch happen.” He indeed put tremendous effort into every single shidduch and that is what brought him success.
I am now turning to every individual who has single friends and asking them if they have done whatever it takes to help them in shidduchim.
R’ Yonah shared with me that if every couple would make 1 shidduch every 2 years, we would not have a shidduch crisis. He said that on average it takes 10 suggestions for one couple to agree to date.
More often than not, we give up after 6 to 7 suggestions. But for all we know, maybe the next suggestion is the one that’s bashert. As the Rambam says, “A person must always look as if his one deed is the deed that will bring salvation to the whole world.”
I now turn to all the singles and ask if they have done whatever it takes to be open-minded and excited about every shidduch that comes up. Have they made sure to take care of their emotional needs and be open-minded to the person and to real commitment?
Lastly, I turn to the Crown Heights community as a whole. Reb Yonah shared an idea with me to solve the shidduch crisis. He said that the community should hire full-time shadchanim to meet the needs for all aspects of the community i.e. one frum shadchan, one more modern shadchan etc. so that everyone would feel comfortable with whichever shadchan they would meet.
We also need to ask ourselves as a community if we are doing enough programs to guide and encourage our singles to help them with this task.
“V’Hachai yitein el libo”, “and the living should take to heart.” Let’s each internalize R’ Yonah’s words, give whatever it takes and make even one more shidduch happen this year.
When we’re DETERMINED to set up a business, /help our child/ complete our studies etc , We OVERLOOK all obstacles and ploughing ahead. In Shidfuchim many of our singles ( whom I’ve been coaching for several years) are distracted by the obstacles , real and imagined , so we need more chinuch on the value, the glory, the essentialness of marriage, . In addition to all the points mentioned above!
No one else commented on your suggestion..People are afraid it is not considered tznius. I personally think we are way way beyond that in this day and age and from what I see in Crown Heights. Singles are getting together anyway…and not in places we as parents like. I don’t want to say anything more because this is not the place. Why is it not kosher to set up a SUPERVISED event for singles to meet? Round robin.(every boy and girl meet for five minutes of talking and then move on to the next. Every single boy or girl I… Read more »
I agree.
In response to #19
So true!!!
So unfair!!
The boy has way too much financial pressure!!
A friend of mine told me that her daughter ( in California) had a bocher fly out to date her.
After 10 minutes,……….. the girl excused herself,……… called her mother,……( my friend ) to say that the boy is not for her!!!!!!
So terrible!!!!
At least give him a chance after all he did!!
Why is that? I agree and am curious as to why.
I was fortunate to get to know and work with R Avtzon over the years. He made my shidduch and helped me help others. IT IS NOT THIS SIMPLE. Sometimes it is what you mention – others outside, to help those in need. But there are many more complications with the people who are not married. I, for one, know firsthand of another issue altogether. I have suggested, I even made a few shidduchim, but I have also been met with resentment. Some people want it in theory but they don’t want to do what it takes to make it… Read more »
10, 20 years ago most people found their bashert within the first few people they met, and on average people got engaged after 6-9 dates. These days many chaissidshe boys and girls are dating many more people before they find the right one, and they are also dating for longer (before they say yes or no).
…BUT only if the two people are truly compatible. Marriage is not only a “baby production” enterprise. And there are no guarantees at any age. Imagine the pain and unhappy pressure on a bride who soon realizes that her husband never really connected with HER, as a person, but only with her ovarian potential. While pru r’vu is a mitzvah of the man, it is not a vehicle to exclude compatibility being vital in a marriage. The Torah definitely does not encourage the distressing attitude that a Jewish woman be viewed as a commodity that has greater “worth” based on… Read more »
Part of the issue is that all of the expenses are on the boy. They are expected to fly out, rent a car, find a place to stay, pay for everything on the date, etc. If it became more balanced maybe the boys would be more willing to fly out. If the boys felt like the girl was putting in even the slightest effort after getting dressed for the date, I think it would help.
I think they should have singles events in crown heights for bochurim and girls to meet each other
This is a good idea but requires financial comittment. Could a charity be set up or does a charity already exist that could collect donations and fund this project? It would be a good way to continue R’ Yonah’s A’H work.
Why do we need to blame anyone? Let’s listen to what R Yonah told us and actually try to make shidduchim
if people were more flexible and open and weren’t looking for the most perfect person, when they themselves are far from perfect, a lot more people would be married
In my experience, girls don’t like going out with guys younger than them, thinking that they are automatically less mature. Which is partly true. Women mature faster than men emotionally etc. To the point where it’s common practice that they start shidduchim earlier. Kemuvan. However, perhaps if girls didn’t automatically dismiss a suggestion for a good fine boy etc. Just because he’s one or even two years younger than her, more people would find their shidduch in a more timely manner. Just a suggestion. Coming from personal experience…
YES! If the Bochur is mid 30s and wants to have kids!
WHAT IS your contact details
re shidduch
Don’t wait for this to be official
I’d you know a young man and woman who possibly could be a good match then tell somebody or suggest they shiduch yourself.
In honor of R’ Yonah and in appreciation of all is the shidduchim he worked on ( not only the ones that B”H ended in marriage), I have spent a half hour each week on making phone calls, trying to set people up, even the “picky” singles who seem to say no to every suggestion. Let others do the same and pick one or two names of singles you know and set aside a specific day and time each week to call around and see if anyone has any suggestions for this particular person. May we hear lots of good… Read more »
Another possibility to consider is girls going out with bocherim several years older.
he was a real shadchan straight to the point and very truthul very honest everybody should learn from him
Very good points!
Most of the fFrierdiker Rebbe’s chasidim married women older than they. Perhaps today’s bochurim should not reject that idea.
To bochurim:
Will it it make a difference in your life if a girl is a year or two older then you???
Reb Yona shared his list of names with everyone, not just one name, eager to make a shidduch. He didn’t give up on anyone. Shadchanim can follow Reb Yona in sharing their lists and continue to help regardless of how many suggestions they gave that were rejected.
Omain i apreciated his efforts i saw his reaching out for me. Thank you all .
What about girls willing to go out with bochurim older then them?
Reb Yonahs dedication was something very special
Another suggestion to help shidduchim
If borchorim would be willing to go out with a girl older then them
After all Rebbetzin Chaya Mushka was older then the Rebbe