By Chana
Reading the recent op-eds on COLlive.com brought up two main questions: Why are there so many singles? Are these op-eds helping people get married?
The answer to question one is I don’t know, and you don’t know, and there’s no way to know. The answer to question two is nope. But maybe this one will if you take it to heart.
Like the last writer, let’s stop talking and writing articles about tznius and focus on something practical to help people get married. Here’s my take, for whatever it’s worth: the problem is that our system has shadchanim. You can hate me for writing that, but wait until the end. Also, it’s silly to waste your hate on someone you don’t even know.
Shadchanim are great, yet in most instances, they don’t know the boy and girl they are setting up. It’s not surprising that shadchanim have few suggestions for me, and those I know who are in shidduchim. After all, I can’t either set strangers up with each other.
Meeting a shadchan at her dining room table for 10 minutes does little to help the situation for people who don’t wear their personalities on their sleeves.
I’m beyond grateful to Shadchanim, and I’m not bashing them; I’m just pointing out a fact. They work hard and do get many people married, but we shouldn’t be surprised that there are so many singles in our community if we rely solely on Shadchanim. It’s asking a lot to expect them to set up the worldwide Chabad community. I don’t have any solutions for Shadchanim besides continuing what they’re doing and somehow upping their game by getting to know girls and boys properly before giving suggestions.
But here is where all of you come in. Close your eyes. Open them so you can continue reading, but pretend you are closing your eyes. Imagine a world without shadchanim. How would people get married? It would be a communal responsibility. You would be forced into setting up your friends and family with each other because you would want them to do the same for your kids.
What I’m writing is not novel; many set up friends and family. To them I say thank you. There is great comfort when an idea comes from someone who actually knows you. Being a global community means we know many people from all different places. Everyone knows a couple of single women and bochrim. Stop being insecure and selfish and set them up with each other. Think about the single girls you know and what stands out about each one, then think about the guys you know and play a matching game between the two.
If it’s the only way you can get around to it, pretend there were no shadchanim and that setting people up was solely your responsibility as a community member.
Happy matchmaking!
Many people get disheartened and won’t aproch parents after thay get a no it’s not for him if parents would consider the name before rejecting it off the bat more people would confidently work on shiduchim
Use periods between sentences.
become a shadchan. In the main major databases and groups. If someone is interested in becoming one how can they? I’m not talking about like just matching up friends or acquaintances. I’m talking about if someone actually wants access to the major databases and piles of resumes.
I know so many amazing girl 20-24 and ZERO guys that are Frum, solid, and working or have a plan. If you know any, please put them out there!!!
Too many girls are sat waiting
That’s because they get chapped before they even make it to shadchanim
And yet they will be rejecting the boys so why even try?
they should reject the boys who are not right for them, not emotionally aware, not put together, not kind/good/etc. what a thing to say. the boys need to be raised properly and work on their middos as much as they work on their learning
You can’t tell any of that based of a resume
Why is it important that they are working or have a plan? My husband only started working after Kollel. This is common.
“I intend to live my life according to the teachings of the Rebbe” is a plan.
And that’s not even that easy to find. If you can find someone with that plan, I wouldn’t worry about the rest of it too much.
That’s a great point. If you really want to help make a difference, the best next step would be to post an email address (you can even make a new Gmail if you prefer to stay private). This way, resumes can be sent directly to you, and you’ll have the opportunity to follow up, ask questions, and guide these young women towards finding solid, frum, and working young men. It could be an incredible way to open doors and help them move forward.
So, like, a shadchan?
Not true. I am from, solid, have a career ( not rich) and have gotten numerous rejections from girls.
In my experience most girls have unrealistic expectations – not interested in regular average guy that is not doing shlichus and is not making lots of money.
I know very frum chassidish boys… theyre looking for a shiduch just like you. Why put them down?
Im trying to work om shiduchim for plder boys extremely mature, working, down to earth and as you name it SUPER FRUM.
Please send me these girls resume to
[email protected].
THIS IS ACCURATE! May we hear good news!
I hope something will come from it
Would love to know how to reach you directly. This is the general age range that would be ideal for my brother.
This author is hilarious! You could see her personality in her writing and I think she’d be a blast to hang out with. If anyone thinks of a like minded, personable, and chassidish Bochur send his resume her way (thru collive)! Let’s make this happen for her and hopefully all our other beautiful singles. It’s that easy! Thank you for opening our eyes (Pun intended) to this responsibility we all carry!
What if he dosen’t have a resume? Yes, he is Chassidish, good looking, intelligent, has beautiful midos, a great sense of humor, and is doing the Rebbes work.
At this point there is no point of anything everyone just focus on yourself!!!!
These responses aren’t helping !!!!!!!
People get insulted if they think your suggestion is beneath them, or if they find out something about the other person that they don’t like. “That’s what s/he thinks of me?!?!” With all the incredulous self righteousness you can imagine. And just like that a friendship is no longer. Or, you think of a suggestion and float it by both sides. One side is excited and the other says no because s/he is too tall, short, fat, skinny, whatever. You tell the interested party that the other side said no and they ask you to push. And the uninterested side… Read more »
This is it in a nutshell. Because people get easily insulted, why should anyone put themselves in that position. In places where people meet naturally, they may overlook age differences, prior marriages, less than perfect weight, problematic relatives, etc but a person looks for a shidduch like he or she buys a car. The buyer chooses the specs and shops until he or she finds the desired car. Of course, they have to be able to pay for the car and may need a car before finding the perfect car in their price range.
Yes it’s ridiculous to get offended at a suggestion because they’re not smart/handsome/rich/prestigious enough for you. If you don’t want to move forward that’s up to you but why take offense? They’re someone’s child just like you.
Have you ever looked at the statistics!!!!
The marriages with a shadchan involved are so much more successful plus the rebbe said you need a shadchan so that just shows YOU NEED A SHADCHAN! Plus besides finding a guy for you it is the communicator between you and the guy so it makes things as clean as possible!!!!
Shadchan doesn’t mean an official matchmaker that’s been doing it their whole life. It’s just an intermediary. There’s nothing wrong with being a shadchan for one shidduch
As I have seen many times, a friend suggests and after they agree to go out they bring a professional shadchan into the story to help,
This prevents the mistakes u mentioned
What statistics do you speak of? Are they published somewhere online? If so, please let us all know because we’d love to see them!
Can you show them to me?
I don’t think the author is saying not to have an in between. She’s just saying that it’s doesn’t need to be the shadchn and instead can be someone who knows both the girl and boy
Do you realize you are saying we should have shadchunim but they shouldn’t be official they should be friends doing exactly what shdachanim do. Instead of official shadchanim we should have people with full time jobs and family’s do the matchmaking?! Does that make sense
Of course it does, it’s everyone’s responsibility, shadchanim also have job’s and family responsibilities!
Yes, it makes sense.
If everyone in invested 10 minutes a week, it could tip the scale!!
AND it could also help YOUR child, your neighbor, your sister.
I’ve always felt like the community needs to do more for singles and set us up more, but I tried not to dwell on it because it gives off that it’s a victim mindset, or blaming mindset, and that’s not how I want to live my life. But what you’re saying is so true… That if we only pretended there weren’t people who were given a “job” to make matches, then hopefully individual people would take it more seriously. From one single to the community: Please please please set us up! Don’t be shy. I’m touched, comforted, and so grateful… Read more »
Allow the singles to mix up during certain events, for example Shabbos meals (invite few girls and a few bochrim to match), Purim; allow the two to work together such as in stores, Hatzalah, etc. The last few years, [a family member] married a handful of her kids in succession, while in their teens. They wanted to get married and have kids, and were willing to overlook the blemishes here and there that we all have but have learned to demand perfection. None of them read the book “Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough”. It was… Read more »
Thats not the halachic way according to the rebbe. No single mixers.
Where in the world is this with the Rebbe mindset do you think this will be approved no chassidish bochur even myself would even feel comfortable going to such place
We can see the way it was signed off…
People told me since I was 18: friends and family know you, care about you and want the best for you – they’ll definitely match you with what your looking for and is for your best interest. Unfortunately all the suggestions that I received through them were for the interest of the bochur and not of me at all. And I wasnt looking for that kind of bochur at all – so do they know me or are they doing it for THEIR interest? For those that it did work, great. I’m sharing my experience. When I went back to… Read more »
Anonymous shadchan.com!!!
The problem is not the shachanim. The problem is that people are too picky about who they go out with.
I’m not even getting suggestions. I’m 27
There are many many older singles (guys) that don’t care for tznius that are still single and dying to get married, and so many tznius people (single girls) that are dying to get married and can’t find someone.. how on earth can one argue that tznius has got anything to do with the G-D made crisis. And who’s to blame for couples who struggle to have kids? Are we about to write an op-ed about that? If you want to blame, blame people who know little about a single they’re being asked about and go on to spew nonsense lies… Read more »
Totally on point , this is definitely a step in the right direction One problem I experienced is when people don’t pay or acknowledge all those helping them with suggestions And two certain families that are not half open minded when your child is over 25 let them date more freely and not necessarily the last names you expected when they were just starting I personally had this , I made a shidduch suggestion after I dated a girl , it was my only time I did that , I reached out got the shadchen the boys info , they… Read more »
Maybe the Shadchan never told them it was your idea?
Speed dating would help so many people, especially older (30+) singles. Instead of spending time on research and finding names, just go meet many singles for a few minutes each.
I really don’t understand why the Beis Din doesn’t allow the Shidduch House to do such events.
Struggling to find their person, they’ll change their mind.
Easy to pasken out blatant rules from a removed place…
This is a free country
It’s a free country, and anyone else can arrange a speed dating event (as there have been in the past), but I’m sure the Shidduch House wants the blessing of the CH rabanim, and as such, will only do events approved by the Beis Din.
….
The hanhola of 770 etc should meet once a week with the hanhola of the seminaries and figure things out.
The correct answer. All older singles say when I get married I’m going to help the singles get married, then they get married and forget. I say to the married people, remember your single friends!
My husband has 0 single friends that are suitable for anyone I know, unfortunately.
Wise words.
Thank you, Chana! You are 100% right, and this is truly what we need!
This is a great idea for a few reasons besides the ones mentioned, by everyone being involved, it alleviates the burden on the shadchanim that have so much more on their plate than they can handle, the supply and demand is totally out of whack, additionally, when everyone gets involved they will see and appreciate how much work goes in to setting people up and they will have a greater appreciation for all the hard work that shadchanim do, and maybe less likely to attack the shadchanim every time an article about shiduchim is written, But more importantly, everyone needs… Read more »
Mean a ton of shidduchim, shadchanim are terrible, met my amazing wife on Facebook messenger 💪
If you think about regular people, or even animals, unorganized matchmaking is a wild hunting where friends can easily turn into enemies.
Imagine a society where the economy is not based on money but solely based on communal self responsibility. It is actually called communism and we all know it is evil.
Matchmaking is even more so requires solid organization.
These outpouring of op-Ed’s and comments
Our your children yearning and hurting
Bless them this year with tremendous ease, clarity and joy finding their soul mate
Let Collive be non stop posting New engagements!
Every time there op-Ed’s and comments posted, a sign for the reader, say a prayer/tehillim:do an act for the challenge
Just wanted to say that this article was written beautifully. Well thought out and explained with just the right amount of humor thrown in. I hope you keep using your writing talents!
Years ago there were no resumes and hardly any shadchanim and no shidduch crisis as today.
I went out with someone a while and realized they werent for me but knew the perfect shidduch for them.
I told the girl and she got a shadchan to introduce them. They were very happily married and had children and grandchildren here
Ok so I have lots of older young people in my Shul…can any of you tell me who is doing anything…..I know it is very hard and thankless that is why so many people walked away & I became involved….so if you do have contact of anyone who is doing anything please reply….Have a Safe Healthy New Year full of Life, Love, Empathy and Brotherhood this is how to live with Moshach NOW!!
You mention the fact that there are a ton of singles in your Shul. What is stopping you, the random bystander, from talking to them and trying to get to know them better? Ask them about their life experiences, where they’re currently holding in life, what kind of a life they want to build, what’s going well for them, what’s challenging them, etc.
Random people taking an interest goes a long way in helping with shidduchim
I have and that is where I learned how bad things are…now do you know anyone who is also working with older singles? Now with Tishrei coming waves of singles will be coming to CH….is anyone working with them???????
The Florida shadchanim probably have numerous resumes of NYers or people who plan to be in NY. Some shadchanim probably network. Interesting that people are pickier today. They don’t want the same marriage their grandparents had.
but they want to marry into the same families…….yeah…do you have any contact with the Florida shadchanim…once again lots do not want to deal with “older” singles….
Long before I was married, I worked on sharing my suggestions with people I know. The furthest I ever got was that I got two people to go on dates. From my experience, people over a certain age say no to every single thing I bring their way. Valuable suggestions but they say “getting close but just not perfectly right”. Secondly, when people really do know you, they may know the nuances of what you’re looking for, and many girls I speak to who I’m trying to set up are looking for: 1- A mess of contradictions (chilled but learned,… Read more »
Your points are on target, it sounds like you have a fair amount of experience, people get stuck with a certain image that they have in mind and they can’t budge from that image,
the problem is that that image does not exist.
I know plenty of ppl who are 1. Chilled but learned, knows plenty of Torah but would chill at a bar, not sure which circles your hanging out in..
they dont know plenty of torah……
A better question is which circles -you’re- hanging out in.
“mess of contradictions”
What Chana wrote is true. But i would even go further. Why? casue it worked for me. After 2 unsucessful marriages i got married…by myself…meaning with no help as follows: I went to a frum singles website. and saw and communicated myself. Bh i found my match its high time Boys get om the internet and date themselves…Shadchanim know nothing and waste your time. See for yourself….And let no one tell you, its forbidden to go on internet..its the way of the world today….besides some extremists with head in the sand!! Date freely…and you more then anyone know what you… Read more »
For older singles, do not overlook Jewish online dating apps. My best friend found her second husband on one of these apps. Her first husband was a typical setup; the marriage did not last long since there were substance abuse issues. Had she not been online dating, she would never have found her husband. He was not in her circles, sefardi BT, and not someone that anyone would have ever recommended her. But honestly, he is the best person, and he treats her like a queen in every sense of the word.
someone can gain access to all the main resume databases in order to become a shadchan.
Chana, you made a good point about friends helping friends, but sorry to burst your bubble when you (and all the other bitter people out there) put down shadchanim. I’ve spoken to numerous shadchanim (and I have made many shidduchim myself) about how they became shadchanim, and they all had the same answer. None of them wanted to become a shadchan. There’s no fame or fortune from it. They all started out (from the goodness of their hearts) because they knew friends and wanted to help and made one shidduch. Slowly, after helping more and more people, they started getting… Read more »
Maybe being a shadchan isnt for you. Also,they get paid…
Honestly, using online platforms and tech is the new way many ppl are finding dates. As Chabad goes we have Chabad match. (If someone is open to other backgrounds there are other websites). My question is why there are so few singles on chabad match. If all the singles would join there would be more options. Why aren’t singles joining chabad match?
My resume was on chabad match for 8 years. Not a single diversion from there. So why bother with it?
Someone suggested a boy for my daughter . Mother said no , basically we are not the prestigious family she is looking for her son.
Person suggesting it said you have no idea what a good idea it is, rhetorical boy would be for sure interested .
Boys need to take charge sometimes and more shidduchim would happen
And no shadchanim etc. Unfortunately maybe we forget how to be a proper kli to receive Hashem brochos and get married easily… (I’m also still waiting)
I totally agree with Chana:)))) b”h for the Shadchanim, but there is nothing wrong listening to am idea from someone that knows the families, and especially the boy and the girl…. I come from Europe, where I succeeded in making some shidduchim, based on my knowledge about the boys and the girls , and now, years later I see the nachas:)))) I think that the problem today, has a lot to do with the system. Everything is based on a Resume, ( which is good, but definitely NOT enough!) and the resume does not describe the feelings and emotions of… Read more »