By Rabbi Moshe Lieblich, Director of HaMesivta in New York
A close friend of mine has a teenage daughter going through a tough time. She struggles in school, hangs out with the wrong group of friends, spends most of her days on social media, and was in contact with boys. Recently, she stopped keeping Shabbos.
She is obviously in a lot of pain.
Her parents were aware of her struggles, but when they heard that she didn’t keep Shabbos, they decided it was time to get help.
Their well-meaning therapist gave them some advice. He suggested that they tell her they love her and accept her regardless of her actions. He also recommended explaining to her that she shouldn’t do it in front of the other children so as not to influence them negatively.
The next day they had a heart-to-heart conversation with their daughter. They told her in the most loving way that they heard that she doesn’t keep Shabbos. They reassured her that they understood her, were not judging her, and loved her no matter what she did. They have just one request: if she breaks Shabbos, she should do it in her room without her siblings finding out.
At first glance, this sounds like the right thing to do. Or is it?
Then I had a chance to speak to the daughter. She had a completely different perspective. Here is what she told me:
“My parents called me in for a meeting and told me that I am a bad influence on my brothers and sisters. They asked me to stay in my room if I was doing something wrong. They don’t even care about me not keeping Shabbos; they just don’t want to damage the other kids.”
It’s incredible how the well-meaning parent’s message was so misunderstood by their daughter. The parents said one thing, yet the child heard something completely different.
In my 20 years of working with teenagers, I learned that this child needed unconditional support the most. She is not bad and doesn’t want to be a negative influence; she is in pain.
I recommended that the parents put all their energy into healing their child. They should spend time with her, build a strong connection, and learn about her struggles and where she needs support. They need to understand that she doesn’t want to break Shabbos; she is in tremendous pain and needs her parents to help her heal.
Her parents need to understand that their daughter is not misbehaving; it’s the pain that is misbehaving. By helping her heal the root of her pain, they can support her healing journey and experience tremendous nachas from her.
I hope this helps.
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If you know someone struggling with a child, share this message with them or give them my contact information: [email protected]
Hope she finds the help she needs!
The challenge is:
some (obvs not all) ppl just flat out misbehave.
some people are just lazy and uninterested.
Not everything/everyone can/should blame your parents.
Some people have real actual issues and need real help. therapy medication etc.
Nowadays we completely went away from any personal responsibility.
Maybe this is the wrong opportunity to mention this but the other side is important too
No child misbehaves because they are lazy or don’t care. Your thinking is exactly what is hurting our children and I hope that you realize this before you are in a position of educating any children.
Why is it hard to believe that sometimes some kids listen to their YH. Like all of us.
take away all her smart phones and social media. Warn her about all the dangers of secular society including transmitted diseases, tell her about all the evil in this world. Be strict. It’s not just pain, it’s ignorance and naievity that causes people to do foolish things. They need more knowledge, awareness, understanding, intelligence, and information.
That’s your solution? Bubble wrap and frighten? Perhaps the understanding, intelligence, and information kids need is how to navigate the world we live in once they are older and are out in the world be it shluchis or work.
Technology and the World isn’t going away. Learning how to live in the world as a frum person makes a difference.
But ur welcome to hid ur kids under a stone and see what happens 🤷🏻♂️. Btw, how are you viewing collive? On a desktop or smartphone?
Better to save your own soul than destroy your own soul with the smartphones and social media.
She’s gonna straight up become an atheist if you go that way. Horrible viewpoint.
Your entire comment is false.
Before dishing out this ‘genius’ advice, please try this with your own child, and once this amazing plan of yours works, THEN you can share your success story and how this ‘great’ strategy works.
Until then, maybe close your mouth.
This reminds me of how Adam told Chava not to touch the tree and once she did, she was convinced it wasn’t true and that she could eat from it.
The second your child will see that you were using scare tactics, everything will fall apart.
DON’T LISTEN TO ANYTHING ANYONE SAYS AGAINST THE TORAH ON THIS WEBSITE OR IN LIFE
ONLY LISTEN TO THE FRUM JEWS
STAY AWAY FROM EVIL
Who are you b trying to talk to? What was the meaning of this?
Don’t ever go OTD! Secular culture is false, satanic, delusional, and evil. Nothing in secular society will satisfy you, it will only cause you more pain and destroy your soul. It’s a trap! Beware! Don’t ever leave the Torah.
Are you someone who has ever left your 4 walled perimeter? How is it that you speak with such confidence? Where are your sources? Being religious has its good and it’s bad. How about say that being religious is better for you instead of using a negative energy.
Spot on. And amazing that you give your email at the end.
The new book Raising a Loving Family by Zalman Goldstein has an incredible section on this issue (and many others) based on Rabbi Shimon Russell’s work in this area.
I highly recommend it, it helped me turn things around with my child.
I read this book. Please don’t wait till you have a problem to read it. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.
I don’t know what’s going on with today’s kids but something needs to be done. We are losing more and more every day.
No, we don’t know what’s going on today. Other than that kids are suffering unprecedented levels of anxiety, depression and more. So are adults.
It’s the end of golus and we need to get through this last phase Hashem wants for us, with love and connection.
Stay strong klal yisroel, Hashem is with us, He loves us and appreciates every effort we make in these final moments.
how many people? Take away all their smart phones.
Great points
But didn’t address at all how to make sure it doesn’t have bad impact on the rest of the family during the process of healing
If the parents understand that the child is in pain, they can easily explain to the siblings that this child is going through something and needs extra love and attention.
How old was the child? Being ‘accepting’ can be damaging and confusing for the child if done at a young age, or in early teen years. They need constant love, guidance, inspiration, conversations and also confident and firm parenting. We need to stop being scared of our kids. We need to create a happy and calm atmosphere in our homes. This will go a long with way.
Are you suggesting an alternative
(i.e. “better”) approach to the therapist?
If so, you fail to address the specific points addressed by the therapist ….
They’re not G-d! Enough with this already!
He writes that instead of dealing with the behavior, deal with the underlying pain.
They won’t get their kid back by “setting boundaries”
In the very first paragraph, you explain what’s going on with this girl. However, I don’t see anything that can, in the outside world, be considered overly troubling. In fact, some might even be considered healthy, age appropriate actions. As far as friends and struggling in school, those are common problems and without more info, I can’t speak to it. I think the real problem is parents and educators making a big deal out of very normal and appropriate teenage behavior.
Not keeping shabbos is a pretty clear sign that there is a problem. Unless you think it’s age appropriate to not keep shabbos SMH
If a teenager, or an adult for that matter, never stopped for one minute to question the life they’re living or the practices someone told them to keep I’d consider that unhealthy.
Can someone even be considered Frum if they do things simply because it never occurred to them not to? The purest neshamos are the ones hat question and through their understanding, make the choice to keep Torah and mitzvos.
Children educated in Torah mosdos?
Wow! That hit home and validated me. I have always maintained that my daughters perception is off. She tells her therapist things from her perspective and I am always baffled as in my eyes that’s not how it happened. You gave a perfect example of this. Thank you for sharing. Much Hatzlocha.
Similar experience with therapist…..my child told her all kinds of things about us, the parents…..and the therapist believed every single word. Hook line and sinker.
A giver is not always what exactly they are giving. A receiver more often than not, knows what they are receiving
Don’t think this article gives you the green light to insist you have the right perspective.
How do you know what she told her therapist? That’s suppose to be confidential, unless life threatening.
If your younger children are so easily influenced by a sibling whose actions aren’t aligned with your values, then they never held strong beliefs anyway.
Children will eventually grow up and encounter people who are less chassidish and less Frum than they might be. If we don’t instill real love to Torah and Mitzvos they’ll abandon it regardless of their siblings.
Today we need to talk to our teen children. When I was a teenage girl if I misbehaved, my mother would take me into a private room and lay me across her lap and spank me. Today we can’t do that.
Omg! That’s so embarrassing!! I don’t know how I would manage the embarrassing feeling of being punished like that!!!
We can do anything, it’s just ‘not done anymore’. Rabbi JJ Hecht Obm was big supporter in spanking. He said a spank reaches straight to the brain and it “wakes people up” from their nonsense. People believe now words/ vibes but fail to realize : 1. Action speaks louder then words 2. ” a spank goes away but a word says with you forever” ( there’s an expression in yiddish) Bottom line you do you! You want to keep the old values its upto you. You want to ‘update yourself ‘ and have those consequences that follow up, its upto… Read more »
It definitely worked for us in the 60’s and 70’s. I’ll never forget how well behaved we were after my teacher would put misbehaving students over her knees for a mild but embarrassing spanking in front of the whole class or sometimes you were placed flat out across her desk and potched with the open hand or even a wooden ruler! It felt really embarrassing but there was a noticeable improvement in our behavior.
First of all, the Rebbe. Was against it. Secondly, if that’s your yiddishkeit and the yiddishkeit you want to impart to your children, based off of fear and guilt, I feel bad for you and them. Torah is incomparably more than that. In fact, one may be surprised, but that’s not the point of Torah and mitzvos. And I’d be surprised if your kids are all frum later in life (if that’s all you care about, and not their actual feelings or identity as a human being, a fellow Jew, your child). We’re not interested in the emotionally shut down,… Read more »
I dont think the Rebbe would agree with how chinuch is being done today. In fact the Rebbe encouraged to look at Bais yaakov for tznuis. The Rebbe wouldnt agree with this mental health crisis of how parents are manipulating their kids to follow their way instead of G-d’s. Is that the ‘off the derech’ that you are referring to? Let me remind you back in the day, off the derech was rare. Maybe because spanking proved otherwise. I feel bad for your kids who have to face with a parent who’s not practicing what hes preaching and being forced… Read more »
I didn’t say there’s no flaws in our system nowadays (I don’t think that’s possible until Moshiach), I was replying to what was written about hitting, which again, I believe the Rebbe was against. There are many people that can be asked though what the Rebbe said and provide a source, or we could do always research our selves. I heard a line the Rebbe said once regarding it but I don’t recall it exactly so I wouldn’t feel comfortable quoting it. I do think though that with getting closer to Moshiach, we are getting closer to the “perfect” way.… Read more »
Parents use to smack their kids faces and backsides till they were raw and red and kids still went otd. We’re fooling ourselves thinking there was this idealized past where everybody stayed frum. Whenever Jews lived in an open culture they tended to assimilate. The answer isn’t hitting. It’s making the Yiddishkeut in our homes something worth holding on to.
People have the choice to choose whether to stay frum or leave from centuries. But discipline sure helped children mold their characteristics and there was less going off the derech then today. Children of the past who are grown adults today will tell you, teachers whom slapped them (NOT BEAT THEM – big difference) did a world of good because they were taught good character traits from the heart of the teachers that entered the heart of the students. Today no one gets spanked and children are left unguided or deceived so they go on their own. There is more… Read more »
And you shall love [the Lord]: Perform His commandments out of love. The one who acts out of love cannot be compared to the one who acts out of fear. If one serves his master out of fear, when the master sets a great burden upon him, this servant will leave him and go away [whereas if out of love he will serve him even under great burden] (Sifrei 6:5).
especially from a mom to a teen
We need to be sensitive to those teenagers who received corporal punishment. Especially years ago probably 3 out of 5 received it. And yes, your parents or teachers would place your stomach over their lap (to make you feel helpless and embarrassed) for a good old fashioned spanking to show you who is boss and make you feel like a 5 year old child getting potched! I also received it from time to time and whoever else did, please reply to this.
What is the point of this article?
Was it written for awareness?
Is it about parenting?
Perhaps it’s about how teenagers process information?
Is it anti-therapist?
It’s a generally interesting topic, but the readers are left scratching their heads.
But the fact that it brings this vital awareness is a great start and great foundation
The author of the article describes how this girl is going OTD and declares in the second paragraph that, “She is obviously in a lot of pain.” I say that we should move away from this way of thinking. Just because someone makes a decision not to be shomer Torah u’Mitzvos, does not necessarily lead to the conclusion that the person in suffering mentally. They may be going OTD for… whatever the reason is and maybe for no particular outstanding reason at all. The reality is that some people will be frum and some will not – that is just… Read more »
The opposite is not right but I think you’re wrong. There is always a reason a someone will go otd, but the reason is not them. Rather because either, they weren’t presented with the true beauty of yiddishkeit in a way that clicked with them, or because there were issues at home that they now have to deal with, be it emotional, psychological etc. To do either one of these, and especially both of these, perfectly, tailor made for each child (which it really must be), at the same time, is extremely difficult. And it was the same reasons before… Read more »
We are responsible for what we communicate and how we communicate. We are responsible for being clear in what we say, and respectful in how we say it, and then checking with the recipient to verify that the message was accurately received. It seems from this account that the young daughter mis-heard her parents’ communication. She didn’t hear the love they were communicating. If I were this girl’s therapist, I would explore her mis-hearing. Casting her parents as unloving, insensitive to her, is a bit self-serving. She is not a victim of awful parents. Yes, set limits appropriately. Guide the… Read more »
When my father found out I stopped keeping Shabbes he asked me not to do it in front of the neighbors. From that moment as a young teen I felt like an outcast.
Perhaps, and anyone should consult with an expert, because I am not one, perhaps the parents should tell the daughter how much they love her and that they UNDERSTAND and RESPECT the fact that she might feel like it’s hard for her to keep Shabbos now, or that she need to do things differently now. In order to accommodate both her need, and the need of the rest of the family for a Shabbos atmosphere, they are leaving Shabbos observance in her own room up to her. This way the needs of every member of the family are met. Then… Read more »
Whoever is advices by an expert to hide any type of behavior from the siblings- and maybe sometimes hiding things is needed or maybe sometimes the siblings need to know, but they don’t need to know all the details, please ask an expert how to explain it to the child who is currently struggling, in a way she wouldn’t feel like the girl in this Op-Ed
Including myself and my wife, are willing to throw away our smartphones? One of the biggest issues today facing our children is us the parents – we are so addicted to our phones (writing from my phone). We need to be truthful – we ask our kids for one thing and we do the exact opposite. We say, u can’t watch movies, go online or social media etc – but then we sit there watching YouTube shorts, TikTok, Twitter or even just WhatsApp status updates. And the perspectives and concepts being taught to our kids on all of the above… Read more »
Explain why being in contact with boys is a bad thing
Adolescent boys and girls tend to be driven by their hormones and impulses, so limiting contact lessens the chances of inappropriate behavior, as well as the consequences of that.
The most effective way to prevent this, for girls especially, is parental love and affection, particularly from their fathers!
Explain why it’s a good thing. Teenagers (boys in particular) are probably the dumbest demographic that exists. Ask any adult about themselves as a teen and they’ll tell you they were an idiot. Putting naive girls desperate for attention and affirmation in contact with hormone driven boys who don’t have the capability of thinking of anything beyond their base impulses can lead to nothing other than exploitation and emotional turmoil. It’s straight up abuse that the secular world forces them to attend mixed schools and participate in the dating scene and society is only just starting to wake up to… Read more »
Ask someone wise you trust to explain it. It’s honestly one of the best things ever for me. Developing and figuring out my whole inner self before connecting to someone else. Two full puzzle pieces to make the best puzzle ever
We all know about the obvious spiritual issues.
But so many of the *emotional and psychological* issues children *and adults* are facing today are directly caused by smartphone use.
They cause depression. They stunt all kinds of creative activities. They provide a ready escape for anyone prone to a bit of procrastination. Which then triggers depression when tasks, goals and responsibilities are not met.
They are absolutely destructive.
I wish we could get strong and courageous and severely curtail their use.
I personally have not even found the strength to do that myself.
How do we escape this beast?
Throw them all away
The worst thing to do, is to kick out your child out of the house and lower down their dignity. I’ve seen it happen. Embrace your child no matter what your child is/or going through. Never low down your child, it’s very unhealthy. Just because you are parents and see kids going off, or acting strange, does not give a right to lower a child’s dignity. Smile @ your child 😊 Even if it hurts. Encourage your child. Let loose of your child. Go for a drive with your child. Take your child to a restaurant. (Once a week, or… Read more »
but also educate them a lot about how dangerous this world is.
IS THIS ALSO HAPPENING IN OTHER COMMUNITIES
As a parent with this experience, I highly recommend getting in touch with Avi Fishoff,his way of love and acceptance has proven to be the only way that works! Thank you Avi