By Leibel Gniwisch for Neshamos.org
“Tonight we reached a milestone,” Rabbi Yosef Braun announced. “In the past, we suffered from a lack of awareness and understanding; there were cover-ups.” But tonight, he said, “We are uniting as one; we’re going to be dealing with this in an open and honest and mature manner.”
On a recent evening, concerned members of the Crown Heights community—in person and online—joined What Do We Do Now, Neshamos.org’s evening on sexual abuse awareness.
The event left participants with a sense of understanding. S.A is an abuse that affects a person in a deep intimate way. It doesn’t just affect one’s confidence, or one’s ego, but can create a deep empty hole on the inside with feelings of unworthiness, helplessness, and generalized fears. A spiritual shake up and a sense of non-belonging. It takes years to build a building. But only one moment to destroy it.
It is scary to think sexual abuse still happens in our community and, for the longest time, we have preferred not to talk about it. But healing does not come from darkness, silence, and taboo. When we talk about these things the stigma melts away and survivors can start to heal.
“In healing,” Dr. Akiva Perlman the keynote, related, “It’s not so much about doing something; it’s about becoming somebody different.” We need to understand the devastating effect that abuse has on survivors and become a community deeply aware of their reality. We have to say, “We’re not afraid of the darkness—We look at it, we face it down, and we say ‘I understand you, I get where you’re coming from, and I understand what it’s like to live in that place.’” Abuse happens in the dark. Bringing light and talking about it is the solution.
Abuse often happens when young people are developing their sense of self. When an authority figure abuses them, that vital sense is shattered. “I was just speaking with someone today,” Dr. Perlman shared. “Someone I work with who’s a profound survivor. She doesn’t even know how beautiful she is. The rest of the world does. As an adult, she brings healing into the world. She’s kind, she’s thoughtful, she’s respectful but she can’t see any of that; it’s almost completely disconnected. She sees herself as a shameful broken person.”
The ACE (Adverse Childhood Experience) study demonstrates that a person abused or neglected as a child is 4,762 times more likely to develop self-harming and self-defeating behaviors and attitudes. Dr. Perlman conducted his own study asking leaders of programs for at-risk young people in frum communities what percentage of their population were sexually abused. “The lowest number I got from any one of these programs was 60%. That was the lowest. The highest number I got was one particular program where the female population was in 90%. The average was around 75%.”
Because of the seriousness of its effect, Rabbi Braun mandated that people do everything in their power to prevent sexual abuse. One is not allowed to remain silent and there is no prohibition of lashon hara while reporting abuse, Rabbi Braun ruled. “In the Torah (Vayikra 19:16), lo seileich rocheil and lo sa’amod al dam rei’echo (do not speak gossip and do not stand idly by when the blood of your brother is being spilled) are juxtaposed one near each other to teach us that lo seileich rocheil is true, we’re not allowed to gossip (and we need to learn a lot about that too),” but that prohibition does not apply when another Jew’s blood is being spilled. “According to halacha, an abuser is considered a rodef (a pursuer) during the time of the attack and all the severe prohibitions of mesira do not apply when there’s evidence of abuse.”
Despite the difficult topic, the feeling in the room was hopeful. One participant noted that the event took a topic that seemed dirty and shameful and managed to make it holy and infuse it with light.
Rabbi Meir New, one of the coordinators at Neshamos, ended the evening connecting the story of the Chet Eitz Hada’as with Sexual Abuse. The midrash tells us, he put forth, that the nachash abused Chava. That was the original instance of abuse, and for the rest of time, humanity has been tasked to heal from it.
Similar to the experience a survivor can feel of being tossed out of their body, a cessation of being “present”, Hashem’s presence too departed from the world at that moment. Every single time a person is abused the shechina, presence, departs from a person, they have an out-of-body experience, and their personal journey back to themselves begins. Every time a person heals, their pure and beautiful soul re-enters the body and works together with it in a stronger, even more connected and beautiful way. Our job today is to heal from this. Both personally and collectively as a society. In doing so we are allowing Hashem, the holy presence, to re-enter its body for the final and everlasting time. This is on us.
In closing, Rabbi New shared resources available to those struggling in the aftermath of abuse:
Neshamos.org Helpline (call or text): 646-580-9842
Anonymous online and in-person support groups for victims of sexual abuse
Ray of Hope—for women
Upcoming anonymous support group for men—sign up at https://hipaa.jotform.com/220405507622042
Neshamos.org Companion Network—pairing those struggling with mental illness with others experiencing the same
ASAP Funding – Provides partial funding for therapy for survivors
Resource organizations include –
Amudim – 646-517-0222, Relief Resources – 718-431-9501
VIDEO: Full Event Replay
Very interesting thoughts by Rabbi New, its clear that everybody stands to gain from this dialogue. Thank you very much Neshamos.
Very important event, thank you.