By Toby Lieder for COLlive.com
It was a Friday afternoon shidduch interview and on the line was an American single girl living in Israel. She said she would be happy to marry an Israeli and planned to live in the Holy Land.
After the conversation concluded, I thought to myself who do I know that’s Israeli and would be suitable for such a wonderful fine good frum girl…
That Sunday, a woman from Israel whom I never knew, texts me.
“Please look at my son’s profile,” she wrote. “He is a wonderful bochur learning in Yerushalayim, a top boy. Please have him in mind.”
It was kind of odd that a stranger would reach out just like that and without introducing herself or giving any background. All I had was the bochur’s profile.
And just like that, I thought: “The girl that I just interviewed Friday! Maybe it’s a match? Why else would Hashem send his mother to me out of the blue?”
I exchanged profiles with both parties.
It sounded good on paper and then agreed to go out. But there was a hitch.
Apparently, during that initial interview on Friday, the girl didn’t say she wanted an Israeli. She wanted an “American Israeli.” Meaning an English speaker who is living or would be willing to live in Israel. I did not hear that and the date was already set up.
They went out. He spoke broken English and she spoke broken Hebrew, yet they communicated. She later told me a boy with broken English was her biggest nightmare.
It reminded me of my own story. When I dated my husband some 45 years ago, he only spoke Yiddish and I only spoke English. That didn’t stop us from getting married and raising a family of 14 children. Only later did we discover how little we really understood each other during those dates. Language doesn’t stop the heart.
So I carefully asked the American girl, “you say that you are able to converse with him after all. Would you be open to meeting again?”
Yes, she said. Clearly, she didn’t need any convincing on my part.
They kept meeting and ultimately were engaged soon after.
Had I initially heard her “no-no” to meet an Israeli, I wouldn’t have even suggested this idea in the first place. But Hashem has his plans and when it’s time to make something happen, it will.
Each single (and their parents) has his or her priorities and preferences and that’s fine. Just make sure not to set up a brick wall of demands and “non-negotiables” that will block Hashem’s ultimate plan.
Click here to download a complimentary copy of Breaking the Shidduch Code
I have the same exact story even the way the Shidduch came about and Ofcorse my no Israeli part too and inability to speak the same language . But hey it works. It’s best when we talk less anyhow 😆😜😜
A couple I know is divorcing after nearly 20 years of marriage. They’re both great people. The only reason their marriage lasted so long is that they don’t have a common language. He speaks English and she Hebrew. Three wonderful kids. But honestly, if they would have a common language, they either would never have gotten married or would have divorced long ago.
BH amazing story!
One request: please consider writing “young lady” and “young man/bochur“ instead of “girl” and “boy”.
Words matter.
Thanks
No need for it. The words “girl” and “boy” are well established as meaning not just children, but young adults too. Why discard perfectly good short words in favor of longer and more cumbersome ones?
Before a man and women wed we consider them to be boys and girls. Why? Yes it is true that physically everyone are adults. However, the mental status of the unmarried men and women have not caught up yet. This is good and while we are not as innocent as we were once generations ago. We strive to keep a semblance of this today. And so no one is demeaning anybody by calling single people boys and girls. It is merely a healthy attitude to consider oneself incomplete and once married then we transition to men and women. Zein gabentched!… Read more »
This is the language our community uses. No need for us to try keeping up with language policing of the left.
True conversation many decades ago. 1) Me, the typical American college educated woman expeced to marry a professional Ivy league button-down blue shirt, khaki pants wearing type married a working businessman who wore short sleeved print shirts unless it was Shabbos, Yom Tov or a special occasion. Married over 50 years! 2) Friend raised on Shlichus wanted a plain bocher. She married one who became a world famous speaker and writer. 3) Friend who didn’t want a smoker was told bocher had smoked but quit. Early in their marriage he began smoking again. Several children later he was bribed to… Read more »
Don’t have a source at the moment, but I recall reading that the Rebbe sometimes (not always) discouraged this.
That makes sense, as people have differing needs in this area.
It works for some and not for others. Some people start off not being the best communicators or not natural with languages. Add a language barrier to that and you’re asking for issues down the road. For others, it might be the opposite – they are into the nuances in language and just can’t picture not sharing that with their spouse.
Maybe, rather than discounting someone’s preferences, first try to figure out WHY they don’t want something and then discuss.
I think the idea is to keep all open mind in general
I’m a 25 year old Lubavitcher guy and I am done with Shidduchim or considering going out weather it’s a Shadchan or even a friend suggests a Match. Many girls are not serious and don’t really take a guy seriously for example when the man will tell her his intentions to take her out, they always think there’s something up his sleeve and that there’s no pure intentions AKA they wanna play Mind games with the guy!! Its a game I am unwilling to play anymore for 1 & 2 there are to many expectations on me as a man… Read more »
Over 30 years old girl here and boys or specifically FFB boys have the same attitude. So rude, illmannered and not practical to deal with. BT boys are more polite. Maybe try BT girls. But it’s always good to take a break in between. P.s. a man should have a job. It shows he’s willing to take responsibility to provide for his family in the near future G-d willing, and not just “sit around. “
Every girl deserves to know how her potential future husband will be supporting the family.
The point, it seems to me, is less about language and more about reconsidering absolute deal breakers.