It Took Me 40 Years To Ask Forgiveness

By Rabbi Mendel Schwartz- Los Angeles, CA

I was invited a few months ago to join our class reunion. This was for us students turning 50 years old. Wow. I thought I was younger than that. I didn’t know what to expect when I signed on. I was looking forward to reconnecting with many of my friends who I saw on occasion. Some of those classmates I haven’t seen since I was 18 years old. All of them are now married with children, and many of them with grandchildren.

The Shabbos was located at a wonderful all inclusive Kosher hotel called Sleepy Hollow. The hotel provided a large conference room which was converted as our shul, in addition to a very large dining hall with full course meals and waiters. We also had a tea room where we could socialize and just hang out.

When I arrived at the hotel in New York, it was wonderful to pick up quite quickly where I left off with many of my friends so many years ago. We were a group of 70.

One of my classmates walked briskly across the room and said “Thank you” to me. I said why? He said “you saved my life”. I asked “when”? He said we were 11 years old in Parksville CGI and our bunk was on a hike in the woods. My bunk mate was a diabetic, his sugar was going low, and to make matters worse we got lost on our hike. He started getting weak, and eventually was laying on the floor to reserve energy. Me and one of the fastest runners in our bunk, ran for a mile to the camp grounds parking lot and grabbed sugar candies and ran back a mile and spoon fed this sugar to our bunk mate. So, he finally told me at the lobby of the hotel, “Thank you Mendel for saving my life”. That felt good.

It’s hard to go through all the beautiful speeches and memories of so many of my classmates. Some are doing really well. Some are suffering with ailments. Some have very large families, and some have no families. Some are Rabbis, and others are businessmen.

Some are religious and orthodox, and some are not. It was all very interesting to navigate and speak to so many of my friends. Anyone of their lives could have been mine. And theirs mine. Turns out, everyone is unique, and each man has their own unique story and life.

Shabbos day, one of my classmates spoke how he bullied an elderly man when he was 11 years old. This elder man had a face deformity from birth, and this 11 year old boy made fun of this elderly man. My classmate who is now 50 shared with us, that when he turned Bar Mitzvah, he felt terrible that he bullied this innocent man, and he wanted to apologize to him. This elder man already moved to Israel, and my classmate lived for over 15 years in guilt that he couldn’t find him to apologize. One day, my friend bumps into the elder man in Tel Aviv. My friend reminds this elder man how he bullied him so many years earlier and wishes to ask for forgiveness. The elder man said “No”. My friend is distraught and pleads for forgiveness. The elder man says “No”. My friend explains, that he now has a family, married, he’s a Chabad Rabbi, and he pleads for forgiveness for his actions from when he was 11 years old.

The elder man asks, you call yourself Chabad? You call yourself a student of the Lubavitcher Rebbe? The elder man continues and says to my friend, back in New York, the Lubavitcher Rebbe paid for all my medical bills. The Rebbe always asked me when I came back from the doctor appointments for an update. Years later the Rebbe even gave me his own white shirt for me to wear under my Chuppah when I got married. My friend now pleads even more fervently for forgiveness. The elder man says, since you asked me three times, I will now forgive you. However, I have one condition. Whenever you speak publicly, please share our story. Please share that you were once mean to me, and you regretted it. And that I forgave you. I think it will help others as well.

This story struck a chord with me, because I too remember when I was 11 years old and I once was very mean to another boy. I embarrassed him physically and verbally. And I did this in front of others. I will never forget this moment in my life. It was a real ugly side in me that I buried. I never even shared this with my best friends or family. I was too ashamed. I always chose to focus on the people I was good to. I liked beginning my 50th reunion with a classmate telling me, “Thank you for saving my life”. That’s the Mendel I know. That’s the Mendel I like.

But for 40 years I was never able to shake off this ugly incident to a classmate of mine who was actually not at the 50th reunion. So with all the strength in me, and all the courage I had in my blood, I researched and looked for this 11 year old boy who is now married with many children and 5 grandchildren. I called him yesterday to ask for forgiveness. He and I were stumbling a little on the phone, and he finally asked, “Mendel, why are you calling”? Before I asked for forgiveness, I reminded him of the story, and I asked him if he remembers the incident? He responded that he does remember the story and it comes up every once in a while. And then the moment of truth came. I asked, “Do you forgive me? I am beyond sorry for hurting you”. I started shaking as I realized, he may not forgive me like the elder man. After 40 years of not having the courage to make this call, there’s no way I can handle my former classmate saying to me now that he won’t forgive me. I was petrified.

Thank the almighty, my friend said: “I forgive you 100%”.

I cry as I write this. I cry with joy that I feel much lighter. I cry that I was not nice to another Jew. And I cry with joy for second chances and our tradition of asking for forgiveness.

This was my take home from my 50th reunion. I got a lot more than I bargained for.