Impact of Coronavirus on Shidduchim

By Sara Trappler Spielman for COLlive

This past month, kallahs were left in the dark as they prepared for the auspicious day they were meant to be all dressed in white – veil and gown. The lockdown announced in New York State to combat the spread of coronavirus left soon-to-be couples and their parents practically rearranging wedding plans and downsizing the invitee list.

Adhering to the instruction not to change a wedding date, families held intimate chuppahs held outdoors in front of 770 Eastern Parkway and courtyards. In the presence of a minimal crowd keeping a safe social distance, Mazal Tov wishes were waved instead of handshakes and hugging.

Adding to the joy at recent weddings was a motorcade following the chuppah, celebrating the new bride and groom throughout the streets of the Crown Heights neighborhood, greeted by thousands cheering and singing on their porches, lifting up everyone’s spirits.

Clearly, weddings are adapting to the new normal. What is left to be seen is the effect of the new world order will have on shidduchim dates.

Elana Bergovoy, founder of the Shidduch Group Network, estimates that were won’t be a drop in young men and women being matched up for marriage. It’s just that the process may undergo changes in its medium which she says has already been happening for a while before the new near-total dependence on technology for human interaction and communication.

According to Bergovoy, many people were already conducting virtual dating from long distances before the current pandemic when they lived far apart. They have been using Whatsapp video, FaceTime, Skype, Google chat and Zoom to visually date. “Now everyone can do it relaxed from home,” she says. “Relationships can and do progress this way. People don’t have the pressure that we met three times so let’s get engaged.”

If singles have been waiting until after Pesach to make travel plans and meet in person with a potential candidate, she says, “now they have a venue to speak, ask questions and have the relationship unfold. We are finding creative ways to meet and marry despite the pandemic. The Rebbe said we would use technology for holy purposes, what holier purpose than to make shidduchim?”

“Everything is now virtual,” Bergovoy said, pointing out to emails and resumes being exchanged electronically between shadchanim, parents and singles, and then WhatsApp to schedule meetings. There are also the Chabad dating websites available, such as FindYourBashert.com, ChabadMatch.com, PartnersInShidduchim.com, to network and get search for names out there.

“Our group had a meeting over the phone to do what we always do: learn together, mention names that need shidduchim and inspire one another. We’re keeping strong because we know Hashem is bringing everyone what they need when they need it. Anyone can learn together over the phone to bring mazel. We’re encouraging everyone to pick up the phone and connect the dots for singles and that’s what we can use technology for now. People are having virtual dates.”

Quick Reward

Bergovoy has been helping match singles for 4 years now, but not with the hat of a shadchan. 14 years ago, she founded the Shidduch Group Network in her living room in Chicago as a support group to learn and discuss the teachings of the Rebbe on shidduchim and building a Jewish home.

It grew out of frustration when her friends repeatedly tried to get their children married and found it difficult to reach shadchanim and move the process forward. They decided to begin learning together and then share names of singles they know or heard of to help find matches for their children.

Within two weeks, Bergovoy’s own daughter met her future husband and so began the first of many more shidduchim. It soon morphed into 50 chapters worldwide, including South Africa and Israel, international conferences, as well as several groups in Crown Heights, where Bergovoy now lives.

“We have an efficient system in place, we have databases and shadchanim. In addition, and even more importantly, are the spiritual “tools” we encourage people to incorporate into their shidduch search, which has brought down the mazel and brochah for hundreds of singles worldwide!” attested Bergovoy. “You join up, come to the meetings, follow the directives, and get to the goal: The Chuppah!”

Shidduch Group members follow the Torah-based teachings of the Rebbe (as found in his letters on shidduchim) in finding a match, such as giving 18 cents a day to charity organizations collecting for brides who can’t afford the wedding costs, increasing in learning Torah and doing good deeds, praying for others in need of matches and helping them set up their children with other potential singles. There are also other spiritual tools, including positive thinking, and increasing trust and faith in the Creator.

“My husband and I made seven weddings in eight years! Each successful shidduch suggestion for my children fell into my lap by helping others,” said Bergovoy. “There’s mazel in the group, we’re connected from all backgrounds, and we make a vessel for blessings. We need matchmakers, but we don’t depend on them, we depend on Hashem, He is running the show.”

Even During Bad Times

At their first meeting in Crown Heights, the group wrote thank you cards to anyone who had given a shidduch suggestion in the past to show gratitude. At subsequent meetings, women created “vision boards” of beautiful wedding collages that envisioned their child’s happy day. They also mention names of singles by meetings to help build a network. The women end the meeting by simcha dancing to bring palpable joy to the group.

Tamar Stone, a group leader in Crown heights for 7 years, shared her belief that if mothers take on segulahs and support each other as a group, Hashem rewards them for their achdus. Her group also helped make simchahs for each other like Sheva Brochos or Shabbos Kallahs.

“We’re creating a sense of community and a communal sense of responsibility for each other,” Stone explained. As a natural part of the process, women in the group mention names and sometimes set up members’ children, which has led to successful marriages.

“We don’t [officially] make shidduchim, but we make them happen. People have prejudices, many times parents have different ideals than their children, so we use the saying ‘get out of the way.’ You have to believe your bashert is waiting for you [or your child] and that it will happen and be open to it.”

“It’s about thinking of others, caring for each other, that’s really the work,” Stone said. “We’re there to light each other up; it’s a lovely feeling to know people care.” About 57 engagements were celebrated in a London community after the Brooklyn chapter made a trip to the Rebbe’s Ohel and said Tehillim for them.

While Shidduch group meetings now taking place over the phone instead of in-person, Bergovoy foresees we will have back-to-back chuppahs, since people want to connect more now than ever.

“People got married in the Displaced Persons (DP) after the Second World War,” Bergovoy points out. “There were documented weddings as soon as they got out of concentration camps. They had a minyan, because nothing can get in the way of continuing Am Yisroel. We have always kept celebrating even through calamities.”

She says “the biggest and best way to bring mazel and brochah and bring the Rebbe and G-d in our life is through learning, davening for others and tzedakah every day. That’s how we’re making a keli, the biggest thing is for everyone to think of others and remain connected.”

Practically speaking, Bergovoy says: “Everyone now has time to think of singles. Pick up the phone and make suggestions. There are lots of lonely singles at home and still every reason to think of them. Hopefully, very soon we’ll be making lots of weddings in Israel with Moshiach as the prophecy stated in one of the Sheva Brochos: ‘Let there speedily be heard in the cities of Judah… the sound of joy and the sound of happiness, the sound of a bride and the sound of a groom’.”

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For more information, visit www.shidduchgroupnetwork.com