If Your Marriage Is Good, Please Get Help

By Rabbi Pinney Herman, M.Ed.

If your marriage is good, please get help.

Yes, you read that correctly. 

When I work with a couple, helping them understand their unique “relationship dance” and offering practical tools to improve their relationship, they frequently comment, “We wish we had known this sooner.” I do too. Life is so incredibly busy that for many of us, our organizational style is to run to whatever fire is burning the brightest. We are so overwhelmed that it is hard to think strategically and plan ahead. That is why many of the couples I see are experiencing serious challenges in their relationship.

While no two relationships are the same, when I ask couples how they repair after a disagreement or conflict, they often answer, “We don’t repair. Eventually, we have to get back to real life with our jobs and kids…until the next fight comes up.” (Privately, a spouse might tell me that they say sorry just to end the fight, but it is insincere and filled with resentment.) So many arguments have been swept under the carpet that there is a mountain of unresolved disagreements, misunderstandings, eggshells spouses have been walking on, and hurt feelings in the middle of their living room! 

There’s an old saying that an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. The Rebbe often stressed the importance of preventative medicine, and that line of reasoning applies to relationship care as well.  Couples can avoid so much suffering and pain by getting help for their marriage when they are in a relatively good place. There is less defensiveness, and therefore, they are more willing to hear other points of view without criticizing or dismissing each other’s perspectives. Furthermore, they don’t have as many experiences or frustrations that prevent a closer bond between them. 

So, if your marriage is good, now is the time to get some help.

Almost 30 years ago, my wife learned about Imago at the Kinus Hashluchos, and it changed our relationship. We found that the tools Imago provided were not only very hands-on and practical but also aligned very nicely with Torah and Chassidic values. Since then, we have both trained to teach this method, and the couples we have worked with have found it very helpful in their marriages. There are other highly effective marriage modalities, such as EFT, IFS, and Gottman, among others.

For us, however, Imago explained why we reacted the way we did, and, more importantly, how to find a kinder, safer, and more compassionate way to navigate upset, conflict, and disagreements. Another compelling element of Imago that Helana and I experienced, and clients have shared as well, is that the relationship tools learned in the workshop can be used at home in a very real and practical way, without the continued assistance from a therapist or workshop leader. 

G-d willing, starting on Tuesday, May 12, and then on May 19 and June 2, from 8:15–10:00 PM, my wife, Helana, and I will be teaching our three-week, level-one online Imago course for couples who want to explore new ways to enhance their relationship.

Our course is meant to educate – not to provide therapy. Among the things you will learn are how to create an effective relationship vision, what is the most foundational trait you need to build a healthy and loving relationship (hint: it’s not love or communication), how to develop this trait, how to communicate with each other instead of trying to prove why you are right, and much more. 

We will provide you with a workbook and the class recordings (minus Q&A, which will not be recorded due to privacy sensitivity).

If you enroll before May 1, you will save an extra $55.00. Helana and I look forward to meeting you and sharing some of the lessons we learned that continue to help us in our relationship. 

For more information, please click here

Rabbi Pinney Herman, M.Ed. served as a Rabbi/Shaliach in Raleigh, NC for over 30 years. He and his wife, Helana, have lectured throughout the US, Canada, and Europe on marriage, Mikvah, and a variety of Jewish topics, and they are available to speak in your community. They are both certified Imago Marriage Educators and Somatic Practitioners who work with clients in person and over Zoom. Rabbi Pinney is available for counseling men and couples as he completes the process of earning his Florida Counseling License. He can be reached at [email protected]