By Nechama
Until this year, I knew all about Kosherfest, the annual kosher food trade show, as a visitor and taster. Someone once described it as one never ending ‘shul kiddush’ and it’s a pretty accurate description of what goes on.
There are a few methods to make the fullest use of the food offered at 300 booths of vendors. Us, the potential buyers, go booth to booth, checking out the latest and greatest that each vendor has to offer. And they don’t hold back: Professional designers and party planners are hired to arrange their booths to look its best. Samples of food are laid out in the most delightful way.
My personal method to the food madness is to sample all the milchigs until 12:00 PM, wait an hour, and then become fleishigs until the end at 5:00 PM. Others who go both days will do one day of milchigs and one day of fleishigs. Truth be told, the amount of food doled out there is insane.
Anyways, this year my husband’s employer, the CEO of a quality kosher food product, hired me to help them out at Kosherferst. They’re looking to boost their social media presence and I, as a Facebook junkie, would be able to get them more “likes.”
One of the most important aspects of Kosherfest, mostly taking place behind the scenes, are the business contacts that are extremely valuable to the industry at large and on an individual basis as it can make all the difference for getting new customers or breaking into a new market.
Some of the largest supermarket chains in America send their buyers to scout out the latest innovations in kosher food. Therefore, the company that I was with, created a meeting-room within their booth for the buyers to discuss logistics with our sales staff.
For a temporary spot, our booth was quite impressive. It had 1 long couch and 4 matching armchairs. We had a coffee table in the middle, so that there was a surface for us to show our catalogues, and our latest awards.
At one point, I had to enter the mini meeting-room to get something, not realizing there was a meeting going on. And not just a meeting – it seemed like an important one.
The boss, a wonderful lady who is Jewish but far from frum, was seating with this distinguished looking gentleman. I was about to step out when she introduced us and noted this man was the head buyer for a large national chain store. I don’t have to tell you how important that was for our company. This account alone would be worth all the time and money invested in Kosherfest.
The man acknowledged me and stood up to shake my hand. I smiled and said in the most friendly voice, “I am sorry. I’m an orthodox Jewish lady, and I don’t shake men’s hands.”
The man drew back as if he was slapped across the face. He started to blush, and apologize. I looked at my boss, the color drained from her face, and she looked like she was going to faint.
The man was still apologizing, and I realized I had to do something fast. I laughed, and I said, I have to tell you something. About an hour ago, I bumped into a friend. While we were talking, a man was introduced to her as a possible business contact. Immediately, she coughed into her hand, and then said, “You dont want to shake my hand, I just coughed into it.”
I thought that was brilliant. I really did, for someone else. She was not comfortable explaining halacha, so she did what she had to to make sure that halacha was not compromised (a point in and of itself, I don’t agree with, because if you are truly proud of who you are, and comfortable with yourself, then you should have the confidence to just do the right thing, and not worry about what others would say).
But that is not me.
I am a straight person. I explained to my boss, and this buyer, I am a straight shooter. I refuse to make excuses for practicing my faith. Therefore, I will not cough and I will not sneeze. What I will do is smile and thank Hashem for my straight-up personality, and just use the straight road for an explanation.
Now the boss really looked like I should perhaps get a paramedic. She seriously looked like she would throw up. Here I was explaining that my fanaticism has no explanation! I saw the gears turning in his brain, should he be insulted?
Suddenly, the buyer got it.
I could see the exact moment of his comprehension in his eyes. He turned to the boss, and said, “Now this is my kind of employee! We need more straight shooters like her! I like her!”
Almost as an afterthought, he murmured, “Is your whole company straight like her?”
The boss’ face started to regain color as she recovered. Wait! This worked to her advantage. Silently, I thanked Hashem for putting the right words into my mouth. I left the room, with a sense of satisfaction. Hashem gave me this nisayon. I passed with flying colors!
I realize that there are many people who will tell me that for women there are many heterim. But they are just that, heterim. I don’t need or want a heter. I am proud to be me. I am a frum lady who is thankful to Hashem for all the good He continuously gives me. I want to give Him back. I am thankful that I was raised as a bas Chabad. I have the ‘shtoltz’ it takes to go and face the world, proud of my heritage, and our halachos.
Thank you Rebbe for instilling it in me. I hope I can do you proud, by standing up for what is right.
I see from the comments that people are missing the main point. #1 Yes, she had to say the silly story, not to excuse herself (she didn’t at first), but to save the day, because the buyer was feeling horrible. #2The point here is not about WHAT it can lead to, or if it is allowed, heter chumrah etc. The POINT is that this is about who we ARE. Who are you? I”m a Yid, and I don’t do this. Period. You can be nice and smile, but this is who we are. Like the beard, it’s just who we… Read more »
Bs’d Unfortunately, only we Yidden are embarrassed by our customs. A visiting politician asked me if it would be appropriate to shake hands with the women at the event. When I thanked him for asking and told him that we do not shake hands, he said that he had just come from a non-Jewish, l’havdil, event and they do not shake hands either. I do not remember the name of the group, but they were certainly not ashamed to inform him.. When my husband and I were asked if we would shake hands with President and Mrs. Bush, my husband… Read more »
B”H I can relate to your experience. I am a man and used to work in the New York City public school system. One day I had to go into the main office for a school matter. That day my wife gave birth to our son. Of course it was on my mind. When I finished with the school matter, I felt it was appropriate to inform the principal, a black woman, that my wife just gave birth. The prinipal unexpectedly extended her hand to wish me congratulations. I didn’t have tenure yet. I, with a wide smile as we… Read more »
I’m a lady who works in an engineering company where most of the people are men. Almost every day some man offers to shake hands with me. Here’s what works well: I stand up (if I was sitting) as I would if I was going to shake his hand. Then I smile and say, “I don’t shake hands, but I’m pleased to meet you” I’f I’m going to get an award at a ceremony, I try to have the award-giver notified in advance so he won’t be embarrassed on stage. This approach has worked fine for me. One can still… Read more »
In business, a hand is offered in greeting and for finalizing an introduction/meeting. At work, tapping on the shoulder is commonplace. The only way to avoid getting touched is to be straightforward. That being said, we can still be polite when rejecting unwanted touch. I generally explain that I don’t touch the opposite gender and appreciate their friendship. When we had an extended vacation, everyone was hugging goodbye with good wishes. I gave “virtual hugs” and crossed my arms across my chest. Same message of friendliness- no touching.
This is a really good story, although I too am not sure it was necessary to call yourself a “straight shooter” in order to justify your (non)action. I’d simply have said something like “I’m really delighted to meet you but I come from a background where there’s no handshaking between men and women.” Appropo of nothing in particular, it isn’t really considered proper etiquette for a gentleman to take the initiative in extending his hand to a lady; rather, he should wait for her to extend her hand first. The logic behind this is easily understood: the gentleman who extends… Read more »
I too woul always say, “My mom taught ne not to touch what doesn’t belong to me” and it always brought a smile and sometimes even an apology from the women, saying, “Oh, sorry, I should have known” etc. The smart ones would ask “but you just shook my colleagues hand and he doesn’t belong to you” so I would say to the man, give her a hug for me, she really deserves it. I was embarassed at times when people in very high positions in Government would say to me, “But then why do all these other Rabbis shake… Read more »
In my business dealings there is a woman I deal with often, she isnt religious but she is educated, she knows not to shake my hand, she will even make it a point to wear a shawl to our meetings to cover up any low-cut tops she’s wearing. One day I had to meet one of her colleagues, I don’t think she was Jewish, I was thinking about how I can get out of shaking her hand when she offers (it’s a very friendly business environment), but surprisingly enough she didn’t offer, she later explained that her colleague had told… Read more »
im not sure which Rabbi does this but i heard one Chabad shliach keeps candy in his pockets and gives people candy when they stick their hand out
i suppose he makes some sort of joke along with it 🙂
Best Response…
i hope i can live up to this story
not shaking is a chumra. if the orthodox rabbis ok it then obviously there is some heter around it which rules it from being forbidden. im a frum lubavitcher and in certain circumstances i do shake hands.
Thank you for the article. I applaud you – and it’s good to share these things to give others strength. For me, what works best is just a flip: “I don’t shake, sorry” with a confident smile, and somehow, we pass on to something else. Sometimes, if the person looks very confused or upset, I’ll explain – in the kindest, most reasonable terms I can think of at the time – I feel that G-d puts words into our mouths to suit the situations. Hatzlocha to everyone!
Use these clever ideas if you can: A well-known woman from Crown Heights was once at a reception for a president of a foreign country. She needed to introduce herself, and he was certainly going to offer his hand. She took a drink in one hand and a canape in the other and approached him saying, “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Mr. President!” Once I was with a shlucha while she was meeting a new gentile next door neighbor for the first time. She introduced herself and then, just as he was beginning to put out his hand to… Read more »
A fellow in our Chabad House is now a regular for shabbos and tefillin club because he was impressed when my wife refused his hand shake.
– A shliach in the south
Wake up isn’t this 1 of the reasons Shlomo Carlebach was asked to leave 770 by the rebbe coz he started touching women on stage and at the universities, if ur gonna shake fine but don’t publicize it and make it sound right! Its wrong just u don’t care as simple as that!
I used a ‘silly story’ to excuse myself because I was at a point where that was the only way I was capable of handling it. The people (not Jewish) were smart and knew what was going on and they never offered the hand afterwards. They may have smiled among themselves at my ‘silliness’ and noted my lack of inner confidence but they did respect me and have shown clearly since then that they trust me and the firm I work for- and it has everything to do with the yiras Shomayim they saw.
i heard that story from rabbi tzeitlin in israel if you want to try and verify with him
What you intend with your handshake and what actually happen are 2 distinct things.
See Hayom yom for 29 Tishrei
So when I shake hands with my same gender muslim counterparts at work I am creating some kind of Achdus?! Perhaps with all the handshaking I’ve done with folks from Kuwait, Pakistan, Iran and Libya I can singlehandedly solve the middle east debate?!
Based on these experiences, I can certainly say my handshaking was absolutly not bederech chibah (from either side I suspect)
According to Rav Tauber, the dayan of Los Angeles, its and issur where “yaharog v’al yaavor” applies. He maintains there is absolutely NO heter to ever shake a woman’s hand or vice versa.
For an interesting view on a handshake and its significance look up Sichos Kodesh 5736 pg 637. The Rebbe says there that Jews shaking hands is a minhag Yisroel, and when Jews shake hands they do it to as a sign of their Achdus. Further just s the Aseres Hadibros were 5 mitzvos on each Luach, so too when 2 hands of 5 each come together it references the Aseres Hadibros and the Asoro Maamoros as well as the Aibishter’s Hashgocho Protis. Based on this it would be difficult to say that shaking hands is not based on chibo but… Read more »
it is proper etiquette for a lady to shake offer her hand to a man when she wishes, it is NOT etiquette for a man to offer his hand to a lady.
The man (and some of you) are simply ignorant on the basics of etiquette.
Great KIDDUSH hashem, A Chillul Hashem is caused by not paying taxes, eating in the street, throwing garbage in the street etc, NOT by keeping halocho properly.
all the negative comments? jealous?
B”H
Here is a line which works – brief and to the point – which I learned from a veteran shlucha, Esther Alpern, a’h.
“I greet with the heart, not with the hand.”
Try it next time when necessary.
thank you for sharing
When somebody asked the Rebbe about a situation when a woman was offended by a man not shaking her hand the Rebbe said “A Yid darf Zain a Yid”
If a hand is offered. I smile and say “I don’t shake hands with men – it’s a religious thing.” If a woman is with the man I offfer to shake her hand. No one has ever been offended by this and I have been doing it for decades. If asked what religion, I say Jewish. Sometimes a person will say that they have Jewish friends or are Jewish and did not know about this. I again smile and depending on the circumstances willl tell them that I am Orthodox or Chassidic. Over the years many non-jews would come to… Read more »
Number 3- You wrote about that in the mishpacha
To no. 56: it’s easy, and obnoxious, to brush someone of as ignorent. Here’s a good link that can give you a more wholesome view on the subject. Please note the Rebbe’s view is mentioned clearly there:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Negiah#Shaking_hands_in_Halacha
44, you’re good at name calling (Shmendrik, hefkernik & katchke) but you can’t answer the question. Where in Shulchon oruch does it talk about touching a hand?
56, you sound more intelligent so maybe you can enlighten us with the makor.
Reb. Rosenfeld and Mrs. Rudolph from Pittsburgh had President Bush offer to shake they’re hands. They declined and explained. He fully understood.
This is the world of business. It’s sometimes awkward. Each situation I handle differently. It would be nice to have clear guidelines, not just a patent over the board-don’t do it! What if it’s a deal closer and a hand shake is necessary? Socially one could pass on niceties.
The is a daas yohid from the shach in Shulcan Aruch that one can shake hands with opposite gender. The modern Orthodox Rabbis rely on that. However the majority opinion is not like that. I know of no Lubavitcher Rov who gives a Heter
It doesn’t matter if it doesn’t lead to anything. Shaking hands with a jewish man is against halacha.
I had to interview a non-Jewish woman and told her I don’t shake hands, see gave me one of the most deep looks I’ve ever experienced and said with the utmost sincerity – “I really really respect that.”
is that true? someone tell me for real are we allowed to sh ake the hand of a non Jew?
im a 21 year old frum Lubavitch girl and i shake non Jewish/non religous (who dont know any better) men’s hands..i know it’s “wrong” but seriously it doesn’t lead to anything else…………
I also got out of shaking hands with clients without losing any professional credibility. In fact they seem to respect me more.
Someone who wants to be lifnie musharas hadin (which every chosid should aspire to be) should certainly refrain from shaking hands in a business setting. No. 34 is incorrect and is mevaze talmedei chachim birabim when contradicting other poskim who have ruled differently. if it is bederch chibah for you it is cetainly assur. shaking hands in corporate settings is social norms and is certainly not even a sign of friendship. In France even a peck on the cheek is the norm and some MO rabonim will even do that (with their congragants!). Bottom line shaking hands is not assur… Read more »
This is inspiring but seriously, no need to be so boastful about it. You may have “passed with flying colors” but its a greater challenge for many others. That does not mean they are not proud to be religious/bas chabad. Each person has his difficulties and things he needs to work on.
You are allowed to shake hands with a non jewish person
i hope u reassured the man that it was ok and totally understanble that he wouldnt know!!!
Cute story. However, I once heard a story about someone who used to see the Rebbe every morning, and the Rebbe would nod his head to him saying good morning, he also noticed that when mail carrier passed by the Rebbe would salute to him. Somewhat disappointed at the extra respect the Rebbe seemed to be showing this mail carrier, he finally got the courage to ask the Rebbe why he would only receive a nod while the non-Jewish mail carrier got a salute. The Rebbe answered that a nod may seem like a bow, and I don’t bow to… Read more »
Shmendrik you want to be a hefkernik fine but please don’t quote Halacha when you are the ”katchke alain”
It is professional business courtesy, nothing more. of course this is C.H where courtesy of any sort is unknown so of course shaking a hand would mean you are on the verge of cheating on your spouse and engaging in conduct unbecoming in the board room.
14.
ever heard of einoy ben yoimoi, noisem tamm lifgam, etc. please don’t invite those who keep kosher to to your table.
There is a massive difference between a heter and a lechatchila
if you cant withstand the pressure – so be it , but please don’t make your own interpretations of halacha
21
you can get a heter for anything, you just have to know which pseudo rov to ask, for a fee maybe 14 will agree.
please explain – how does that work?
tomorrow you will shake her hand at work and next week when you meet her at a social event, do you say, ‘sorry i can’t shake your hand now, i can only shake your hand for business?’
Where in Shulchon oruch does it say that you can’t shake a womans hand?
Thank you for sharing your courage, pride and open- heartedness!
i recieve this all the time it gets ackward but it you get used to it there is this guy i told him i dont shake mens hands for a month since i started working this guy called and im like who is this he was like nu the person that you refused to shake my hands ( he was just kidding around) . if a guy comes with his hand sticking out i clap my hands together saying its nice meeting you too if they stick their haqnds out fir a high five i stick my thumb out as… Read more »
Different tradeshow, different business. In China. Contacts are all Chinese, Japanese and Korean. Now avoid shaking hands. Most of these men wouldn’t even care if you had just sneezed. In China they don’t cover their nose or mouth when sneezing, it just all goes “out there”…Yechch. I try to bow…
Not only is everyone idiots they are also am-haratzim. It says in halacha that touching from “chiba and ahvah” meaning in an affectionate manner not allowed, everything else is.
Faced with identical situations too many times,,,,,,,,
,[once with a goverment official]
]I Iimmediatly , Curtsied,bowed my head,smiled completly and said
I belong to the southern Japanese” Shin Lung Ttribe
[[[ “they do exist,,,, a lost tribe suspected of being Jewish!!]]]!,,,,,
and our custom for three thousand years,is to greet only with,curtsies, bowing smiling with blessings .
I somtimes add, with a bigger smile I am also a Chasidic obsevent Jew !t NEVER,,,,, fails to work,,, with the best reaction!!!!!
you are an am ho’oretz. it says “lo sikrevu legalos ervo” (parshas emor) and not just “lo segalu ervo”, this is a lav d’oraissa which entails any affectionate touching. The argument between the frum and the modern orthodox is if a handshake is considered negiah shel chiba or not. It definitely is a symbol of friendship (even in a business setting), and is borderline. Charedim know the Halacha “sofek d’oraissa lechumra” and don’t shake hands, modern orthodox who do as they see fit aren’t strong enough to deal with the nissayon and therefore do shake hands and find 150 reasons… Read more »
good story. for everyone. importantly for girls dressing like advertising pictures, that you end up making MORE money dressed tznius.
Amazing Amazing Amazing!!!
great job, an example even for us men…haha 😀 – or baal teshuva 16 year old bochurs at least!
stop being insecure. I know its uncomfortable feeling but im sure ur huband loves u
I wonder “what else you might do” that is “in our culture”
Is that the “New Testament Shulchan Aruch” I would like a copy, where can I get it, in a hotel room in the nightable draw?!
Great story. Although I believe like 14 that it’s a business practice (and no, 20, if you compare this to eating traife than you’re just being silly, one is in the torah and one not even in the mishna) The best way do answer is straight forward like you did and perhaps also point out that it goes both ways and is not personal. The line about “I don’t touch what doesn’t belong to me”, I would assume, to a normal person, sounds very silly and they’d be trying to understand your moshul all the while feeling awkward about the… Read more »
I am a man, and I think it’s easier for me to get away with not shaking women’s hands (as a previous comment pointed out) still it’s not so comfortable and is a new challenge every time, every person reacts differently. If I’m heading to a meeting, I will usually occupy my arms with a coffee and notepad in one hand and my laptop case (although I don’t usually need it) in the other hand rather than hanging it on my shoulder. This makes it noticeably inconvenient for me to shake someone’s hand, so they don’t usually offer. But when… Read more »
Thanks for writing and your positive words. Though not a working woman (outside the home) I find myself in similar situations when with my husband at his work related functions. You’re 100% right in standing to your convictions and halacha. All of us can learn from you.
I appreciate you taking the time to write about your experience. I’m a salesman & I encounter this issue on a daily basis with women putting their hands out to me. I thankfully got used to just being straight up like yourself & 99% of the time you can tell that the other party is’nt offended. Your episode however inspired me & gave me an idea for the 1% of people who do become offended. I wish you much Hatzlacha in everything you do.
but it’s still a pleasure to meet you..(this makes the greating
a little more friendly)
I think number 19 sums up my point very well. That’s all that’s needed. Making silly jokey stories to “prove” a point takes away from the emes & reduces tznius (or whatever you want to call it) to eccentricity. It works well for me. I don’t need to resort to inanities to succeed. Have a productive day.
#9
BS”D
In “Sparks of Chassidus” page 82 the Rebbe mentions, in a letter from 5736, a case where a Lubavitch Rov from Rotterdam was received by the Danish queen.
She understood that the Rav was unable to shake her hand and did not get upset. On the contrary. It actually produced admiration for the Rav’s convictions and principles.
D. Kahn
Yerushalajim
Reb Moshe undertands a handshake differently than do you, and forbids it.
Interesting shulchan aruch you have!
I’m looking for a heter for eating treif. (Otherwize it can make a chilul Hashem, if I don’t join lunch by business meeting.)
Perhaps you can help me?
After the negative articles about chabadlite, this is a breath of freah air, however i do wonder wat a chabadlite woman would hav done…..
when I camly & coherantly explain the principle of tznius
I always find a the listener to respect & a appreciate me more_
they typically say something like “this society can use some more mdesty” “maybe there’d be less problems it”
Who gave you the authority to differentiate between social events to business?? you sound like you pulled that right out of your hat.
Halacha?? consult a Rav!
They have the authority to decide!
Thanks for writing this! I work in a frum office with a large number of not-yet-fum and l’havdil non-Jewish co-workers. I never shake hands with males, I didn’t at my interview, I don’t when I’m introdued to clients or consultants, or anyone else. I just say “As a Jewish woman I cannot shake hands with men”. No “I’m sorry”, no excuses. Sometimes they ask, “but even the orhodox partners shake hands between men and women?” To which I respond, “they may be orthodox, but I am a Chosid. And a Chosid never compromises on Jewish Law”. No one has ever… Read more »
A kasha oif a maiseh. Plus, you are arguing against a success story-in spite of the fact you may have success doing it differently. Once thing seems clear, that even with a wonderful, inspirational true narrative there always must be a naysayer. And in your business acumen, you have selected that role for yourself.
The non jewish woman at my husband office upon learning about this halacha reacted “this is wonderful. I wish my husband would do the same and not shake hands with other women except me”
I work with 99% non Jews and I do shake woman’s hands. I have to disagree, a handshake in our culture is a sign of commitment and honor.
I shake woman’s hands in business, howeve ri don’t shake a woman’s hands unsocial events.
I found no place in שלחן ערוך that disagrees with me. .
lets just hear options of how to deal with it.
I heard to say that I don’t touch what doesnt belong to me according to my religion. It seems to work. a minute of slight disorientation and then with a charming smile, all seems to be ok.
b’hatzlacha
wow !!! kudos to u and great article
As a man working in the secular world in a profession in which I come in contact with non frum Jews and lehavdil non Jews on a daily basis, I have had only positive experiences declining women’s handshakes. Many of these experiences have been in Acedemia, where liberal women would presumably be offended. But that was not the case. It has gained me respect, and more importantly has served as a tremendous Kiddush Hashem. Nevertheless, I applaud you, because I believe it is more difficult to pull it off as a woman. The intimidation of the Alpha Male in the… Read more »
I thought the story about the coughing was stupid & I don’t understand why you felt you needed to say it when you’d already explained yourself very well. I’m glad you got the respect you deserve…but having to resort to such an embarrassing tale to justify your honesty & principles is tacky.
Bottom line: you never get shot down for being moral & sticking to your principles. You didn’t need to use a silly story to excuse yourself. I don’t & I’m in business.
That is so wonderful! I hope all youngsters who are being made to feel like the are doing wrong by following the Rebbe’s derech read this.
List that company in order that we can all “like” it on facebook in your honor!
if you think you will not be able to overcome such nisyonos, don’t enter the business world to begin with!
this is something people who are becoming frum should be proud of, when they overcome their discomfort with declining a handshake,
someone who is raised chabad,
nothing less is expected of you!
I’m sending this into school tomorrow with my 6th grade daughter whose class just today had a discussion about how to handle such a test. What a wonderful example you’ve shown!
He was just trying to make the situation less akward.
I was in those situations so many times, the worst one at my college graduation, when we went up to get our “diplomas”, The professor shook every graduate’s hand. all the frum girls who went up did it. when i went up, i knew it was going to make this guy feel uncomfortable. when i went up he offered his hand and i declinded. It was either making him feel uncomfortable or compromising on my religion. some of you might say that it’s chilul hashem. well, he knew that we don’t do that yet he offered to all the frum… Read more »
VERY NICE!!!!LOTS TO LEARN.
When you proud of what you are and who you are, people respect you. When you are “wishy washy” people step on you. Stand up for what’s right ladies! I’m in business too and facing this issue all the time.
Wonderful to read an article that is so inspiring. The writer is
Proud of her Judaism.
Kol hakovod